Hi i'm D, brand new to this site.
Quick story, have been split and divorced from my ex husband for 4 years. There have been some tough moments but it was the right choice to make. I have two children, 13 year old son and 7 year old daughter. My ex is not the biological father to my son, but brought him up as his own for ten years (almost 8 whilst we were together, the rest once we split). My son decided about a year ago that he no longer wanted any contact with his father, as he felt as if he wasn't loved, tried discussing this with my ex at the time (he wasn't interested and said that my son was being ignorant and awkward). My ex never bothered with my son since, he never fought to see him or even speak to him when picking my daughter up (I have since made him wait outside of the house when he picks her up). Lately my daughter has been very unhappy about going to her dads and has now said that she no longer wants to go (various reasons, all valid). When she told him that she didn't want to go one of his responses was that the only reason he hadn't left the country was because of her. She didn't go to her dads that weekend, when he picked her up from school on wednesday, he told her off for not going at the weekend and said that the next time she tried to do that he would drag her to the car. I am so angry at this that i'm seeing a solicitor because I don't think he should be saying things like this. Does anyone have any advice?
(ok maybe it wasn't so quick) lol
Hi Louise,
Thank you for your comment, I had a feeling that it would be this way.
The problem being is that wasn't the only thing he said, he also shouted at her saying that my son wasn't his son but she is his daughter and that she can't say whether she wants to go there. (Basically that she's being naughty for saying how she feels). Surely this can't be ok. There are other reasons: she doesn't like the fact that him and his family smoke around her, he threatens to smack her if she does'nt eat what he makes her and other things. My ex never listens to anything I say.
Well at least if there was a case brought by him, she would get the chance to say how she feels and you could air your concerns too.
It was wrong for him to shout at her like that (sorry but I expect he thinks you have told her to say it) and anything but light smacking is illegal!!!
Very true, I want to go for mediation (he refused the last time that was raised). Never thought that he would think that I would say that (duh how silly am I lol). On top of all this he refuses to pay child support. (Just feeling that things are getting a bit much to handle).
Thank you for you for replying, it helps to have someone to talk to.
p.s I have never stopped contact bacause of non payment (thats not right).
Hi purple,
Its horrible your situation, mine is similar but we are going to court because I just refuse to make my daughter do something she doesnt want to do, she is 8. So far the legal advice I have had says that the court will likely rule in his favour and make me force her to see him. I think this is wrong, but as Louise mentioned before, there is a risk that children that young are influenced by the things we feel. I have never bad mouthed my ex to my daughter but obviously cant prove it.
I dont really know what to suggest to you but maybe try some legal advise if you are concerned about his standard of care to your daughter?
Good luck hun x
Thank you little angel
I have a feeling that the courts will do the same. When my son first started not wanting to go, I made him (biggest mistake I ever made) I have no desire to make it agian with my daughter.
I hope that you also get a good outcome for the sake of your little girl.
My solicitor is ringing in the morning (fingers crossed that they can help).
Yeah hope it goes well with the solicitor. Its like we end up the bad one either way isnt it?! we dont send em to their dad and we're depriving them, we make them see their dad and they hate us - lose/lose! 
good luck
Yes, it is difficult, in fact it is heart wrenching.
Re the child support, have you thought about involving the Child Support Agency?
Let us known how you get on with the solicitor, Purplewings and we are here to talk to 
including over the weekends.
Hi all
My solicitor is not very impressed, have an emergency appointment on tuesday morning.
CSA are involved, my ex is refusing to pay, they are currently applying for a liability order.
Good news is that my parents have offered to buy my daughters passport (so he can't take her to finland which is where his girlfriend is from). My worst fear is that he would do that, as i'm sure that is what most of us single parents fear.
I know i'm not the only person going through rough times, it helps that there are others who understand.
Great that you have an appointment
Ok so by getting a passport for her that means that HE cannot get one for her? If your fears about Finland are bothering you, ask your solicitor about a Prohibited Steps Order (this is where a parent is specifically prevented from doing something)
What are you up to this weekend?
I have never even heard of a prohibited steps order, thank you for that! I know i'm asking about a residency order.
My weekend is full of housework (trying to persuade the kids to help, working so far lol)
How about yourself? Any exciting plans?
Of course it's mothers day tomorrow (woo hoo) My daughter alreeady requested to be with me (guess who's not happy about that). Really looking forward to some time with both of them tomorrow (housework free day).
To all single mums, happy mothers day tomorrow!
Hi
For a couple of years I had the real fear of the ex taking the children to Texas. My solicitor suggested I got passports as it would have made things harder for him to do so. I could never afford to, however (I have four children )
My older two were 12 and 10 and knew that if they were ever taken to an airport or port they were to grab the younger two and find a police officer or security officer to say their Mum said they weren't to go...
It was a worrying time. Had he threatened my Solicitor was already to get a prohibited steps order in place.
I know one weekend when the children were with The Git he brought them home late on Mother's Day (he's such a thoughtful chap).
So glad your daughter's home with you.
My solicitor suggested it to me but I'm in the same position of not being able to afford it either (hence my parents offering).
Hopefully neither of us has to ever face that terror. How scared you must have felt when he was late. Your very brave. Very wise to educate your oldest children on how to act if it ever happens.
So glad to have discovered this site.
Thank you for your message and hope that tomorrow is a better mothers day for you.
My youngest was five at the time, and it is going back few years now. And yes, it was terrifying. Ex took them to Devon on holiday. The children don't know that I booked a travelodge down in Devon and was less than 10 miles away had the eldest phoned me and needed me (he had a mobile)
The Git (as I call the ex) is now married and he and The Gittess moved away about 18 months ago. It has made life easier for me - not for my daughter really (boys seem not to be upset, but doesn't mean they're not)...
Great Names! lol
Bet that was incredibly scary! How have you coped?
My story at the top is the incredibly short story. Awaiting to see counsellor as i've been referred for a number of therapies (not just because of my ex).
I find that I tend to use humour as a coping mechanism (cheaper than chocolate lol).
Been single for the last 4 years partly because the more I hear about blokes, the less I want one in mine and my kids lives. (any blokes reading this, i'm not being sexist, just lost a wee bit of faith).
p.s. Can't imagine having 4 kids to care for! my 2 are hard work as it is, although I would never change it!
Hi sparkling, I didn't know you had gone down to Devon, what a good idea
Hello Purplewings, happy mothers day to you too/ Hope that you will soon get to see the counsellor. it does take a long time to trust again when we have been let down but I promise you there are some really good guys around so never say never 
Hi Purplewings,
Read your story and related to so much of it. My thread also details probs with ex and visits and my children also ask me if they can stay with me sometimes rather than stay with dad but its sooo hard as always ended in argument with him & me being accused of poisoning kids minds against him. Still struggling with this one so definately relate to your predicament.
Everyone tells me that at some point the girls can choose for themselves and prob won`t see him that often but seems a long way off & what do u do in the meantime?
Keep us posted and i hope u get the support here u need. Good luck !
A xx
Thank you for your kind message manc-lass. I wish there wasn't so many of us in this position. I will read your thread (when I figure out how to find it lol).
Well you guys, been to solicitors today. Needless to say she was very unimpressed with everything that he's been saying. She advised me that due to the psychological impact on my daughter, that it's best to stop contact. Told her that I wasn't even allowed a phone number to ring him and she said that it was unacceptable. I'm at the docs with my daughter tomorrow, she has mouth ulcers because of the stress, (best get it in a doctors report). (Editing all that I write otherwise it would be pages long).
I have to now deal with ex tomorrow and tell him he is not having contact with my daughter (should I change that to our daughter, only if he cared lol) Feeling physically sick at the moment, had no sleep for last few days because of this stress. Hate that he has this much control (fighting it every step of the way). Chances are he will go for a court order, but he has to go to mediation first (wonder if he will, because he will have to pay for a solicitor). Wish me luck to remain calm and cool. Wish I didn't want to throw up at the thought. You guys know how it feels, it sucks!!!
Hope you all are keeping chins up and find something to laugh at, at least once a day!
Hello Purplewings, yes it is a stressful situation.
Do you have to see your daughter's dad face to face or is it possible to write to/email him?
Whichever is the case, I would recommend KEEP IT SHORT. If you see him face to face, select your key phrase. In this instance it could be something along the lines of "I have been to see my solicitor and they have advised me to stop your contact with our daughter for the time being" If you think about it, whatever he says in reply, YOU CAN JUST REPEAT THIS PHRASE several times. Do not be drawn into discussion. If he says something very threatening, such as "You'd better let me see her, I will make life very difficult for you" then you say "I hear that you are unhappy about this but .......THE PHRASE" if he is going on and on, you say "I am drawing this conversation to a close now"
I sometimes find these conversations less daunting if I can imagine I am a character in a film and once it is over, I can think "Cut" and go back to being me.
Good luck
Hi all
Well today was utterly horrible. He rang me this afternoon, so I told him on the phone that my solicitor has advised that I stop contact.
This is everything that he said amongst 4 phone calls (me remaining calm throughout, very very difficult). How dare you do this. Your Solicitor should not have stopped contact. I'm going for 50 50 (custody of my daughter). I'm going to have you done for stopping contact.
My replies were ok and ok and speak to my solicitor. (Don't think he's too happy) Not once during these phone calls did he ask how she was. Last night she sobbed on my shoulder, worried that her dad will pick her up from school. Had her to the doctors today and he's referring her to the child psychologist. (there is more than what she said going on, hopefully they can help).
Whilst in the doctors, I recieved a wonderful text message from his girlfriend, stating that i'm mean, selfish and don't deserve to be a mam, how dare I put my daughters dad through this. (all of this from the woman who left her son in finland when she came over here). Apparently she and the ex are going to do everything to get my daughter. (he doesn't provide for her now, hardly think that will change if he has custody). Also mentioned in this text was how I should be grateful that he was dad to my son and that I should be thankful!! They both treat him appallingly (politest way to put it). Also that I couldn't hang to my husband or best friend because i'm so pathetic.
So very angry at this text message at first until I realised the mistake she made. She said I couldn't hang on to my husband, It was me that ended the relationship (who has the last laugh now). As for the best friend, that ended just before xmas when I found out that she had slept with my husband and had been using me for 3 and half years. (Remind me why these people are not in my life! lol). I have not replied to the text message, keeping it for my solicitor, along with any others I may recieve.
Hope you guys are having a better day than me and don't forget to find something to laugh at (feel free to use my ex and his girlfriend as an example).
Hi PW
Well you knew what would happen but what really matters is your daughter. I am sorry to hear that she needs some help, all you can do is keep things as calm as possible, however if the psychologist thinks she has been adversely affected by her dad's behaviour then get this in written form.
Make sure you keep records of any abusive phone calls and text messages etc.I used to use an exercise book. This may be needed as evidence of harrassment in the future.
Stay strong and as positive as you can, and remember that just bcause someone threatens something, it does not mean that they will do it, or will be ABLE to do it
Thank you for your kind words, Louise.
At Solicitors on Monday so that she has a record of the text. Since not seeing her dad this week, my daughter has been a little bit more cheerful (still clingy), hopefully this means i'm doing something right. (Would hate to think that anything I do is making things harder for her). Had another talk with her explaining that it's still ok if she wants to see dad, that all I want for her is to be happy, that I love her (the most in the whole wide world) and that I won't be upset if she decides to change her mind.
My mam has a copy of the text and if I recieve any more I will make sure that my solicitor sees them.
I hope that my daughter and my son are not too affected by all of this going on, remaining cool and calm for them. My fear being that he would just take her is still there, possibly irrational, but still there just the same. The doctors have a record of what my daughters going through. Right now shes happy to go to school and feeling very chirpy, it's nice to see her like that.
Hope all is well with everyone else.
Hi PW
It sounds as if you are doing everything right, well done. What have you got planned for the weekend?
Loads of virtual hugs. Useless, I know, but thinking of you.
Your virtual hugs are always fab, sparkling
There is nothing nicer than reading about someone sending you a virtual hug, shows that there are nice people out there. God knows that I need to know that.
I am sending you one too!
Maybe we should do a group virtual hug
All I can picture is a load of people giving virtual hugs in the style of a mexican wave (barmy or what lol).
Well,PW, that's better than a rugby scrum !!
Rugby scrum at least is a better image with the hugging!
Got another text, from the ex himself this time, basically accusing me of giving my daughter bruises. Nice to know how low he is going to go. Not sure whether to ring social services myself or let him, either way they can check up themselves any time they choose I have nothing to hide. The idea of him thinking that I would is so hurtful. There is nobody more special or important in my life than my 2 bairns. I would never hurt them. Even if he thought this were true, he should move heaven and earth to make sure that she was safe!
Feeling that horrible sick feeling again. Trying to think of something funny, quite a struggle now. Don't need another sleepless night.
D
xx
Oh PW that is awful. Don't give it another thought. People who work with families are trained very specifically to be able to detect false accusations and although there are exceptions, that is why we hear all about them, because they are exceptions. And what child does not have bruises, if they play and climb and run? And this is the guy that threatens to smack your daughter for not eating her tea?!
Hope you had a decent night and don't let this hang over you for the weekend,
Thank you Louise, you have helped ease my mind.
My daughter is the most clumsiest child ever, every time she plays out you can almost guarentee she will fall over. she is also a bit of a tomboy and forever trying to climb trees.
Any how, feeling a wee bit better today, got some sleep and have woken up to 2 happy kids. (bit unusual for them to be happy in the morning).
My daughter has been invited to a party tomorrow, so we have something fun to do. My son thinks this is great because he gets to have the house to himself for a couple of hours (trying to give him a bit of trust and independance). It's all about balance.
Hope you guys all have a great weekend.
D
xx
Ah your son will enjoy having that freedom. I have always been a working mum and when I had to spend a lot more time at home due to an illness, my youngest came home one day and said "why are you always HERE when I come home?"
Hope your daughter will enjoy the party and that you will enjoy meeting the other parents too,
Well today was tough, more text messages from the ex
First one stating that he doesn't believe that my daughter didn't want to come and that he has the right to know shes ok, he was coming to the house with or without the police. I texted back saying that she is safe and fine. (don't want to be drawn into the bad texts although I understand if he has concerns) He said that it doesn't matter what I say he wants to talk to her. I texted back saying that I would text him monday night after speaking to my solicitor and getting advice. This was followed with some more texts saying that my solicitor had no right to advise me to stop contact along with some more nasty things. All of these I ignored and didn't respond to. He also accused me of interrogating her, if by that does mean that I ask how it was when she goes then yes I interrogate her (sarcastic I know, jut had enough).
Am I doing the right thing?
Stayed out of the house at my friends in case he came to the house, I don't want my daughter exposed to the attitude that he has. It's all about his rights only at the end did he mention my daughters rights.
My instinct tells me it's the right thing to do, just worried I cause further harm. I asked her if shes ok about not going to dads (reassuring her it's ok to change her mind). Her reply was straight and to the point: I don't want to go to dads, he threatened to drag me to the car, so I don't want to go. Pure logic.
Could anyone send me some strength, please, feeling the need for reassurance.
D xx
Hi Purplewings - sending you a hug and reassurance - you are putting your daughter first and staying calm - keep doing the same
Hi PW
Well done for the strength you have shown so far! it is very easy to be dragged into drawn-out text conversations. It was a good idea to stay with your friend. How about another SIM card for your phone and telling him that the SIM card for which he has the number is going to be in your phone on Wednesdays and Saturdays between 6pm and 7pm (or whatever suits you) and that you are only prepared to respond to courteous texts? although only you can decide whether that would then make him more likely to come to the house!!! I still think that at the first whiff of nastiness another time, a message just saying "I am only preapred to respond to courteous texts" is worth considering (always express the positive, not the negative as in "I am not responding to nasty texts")
When these nasty texts flare up, think of them in the same way as when your children were little and had a tantrum. The age-old technique is to stay calm, ignore bad bhaviour and reward good behaviour, in other words only respond to respectful behaviour from him....it sounds as if you did a pretty good job of this. I am a passionate believer in a child having a relationship with both parents but I would also expect those parents to treat each other with respect and for your daughter's wishes to be considered. You have told her it is OK to change her mind, so as long as you stay calm and (seemingly!) unemotional about the issue then you are doing all you can. Your solicitor has seen umpteen families in your situation and it's a fairly safe bet that the advice you have been given is good.
Yes, I am sending you some strength but it sounds as if you are doing pretty well so far!
Thanks you guys, needed that support.
I have to stay calm for both of my kids, they don't need to see how this affects me. All I really want to do is run away with them. Of course thats not going to happen definitely the wrong thing to do (that and lack of money and somewhere to go lol)
On a serious note, the courts are not going to take the view point of a 7 year old little girl (by the time it gets to court she might be 8). I want to make sure that he understands that telling her that she can't talk to me and telling her that he is going to drag her to the car is unacceptable. No matter what he thinks are his rights, her rights come first. (Amongst other things that he says.)
Hope you guys are having a good weekend, me and daughter going to party and son is now going with granda because after the texts yesterday, I don't feel comfortable leaving him alone.
D xx
Hi Purplewings, it sounds as though you are dealing with this really sensibly. You are doing all the right things in this kind of situation.
You need to protect your daughter and it sounds as though even in the short time that you have stopped contact, your daughter is already showing signs of improvement. I did the same with my daughter when she was about 7 and was amazed how different she was within a couple of weeks of no contact.
You say that the courts are not going to take the view point of a 7 year old. Your daughter will be assigned a CAFCASS officer, who will interview you, her dad and then your daughter on her own. The findings of the CAFCASS officer will used in court, so her viewpoint will get heard.
How was the party?
Hi Anna, thank you for your message. Fingers crossed somebody listens to her.
The party was great, my daughter won a bag of sweets for being the best dancer (so proud) lol
Just as i'm writing this I get another text message of the ex. No peace at all.
Anyhow Sunday was a great day, my son had a good time with his granda and me and my daughter had a fun time at the party.
Seen my solicitor today, she said that the texts were ridiculous and that he's basically spat his dummy out. He really needs to see a solicitor.
I have replied to this text stating that he should get a solicitor and that he should recieve the letter from mine in the next few days. No doubt there will be more texts after this. Makes me queasy and wobbly (does that make sense?) Having said that I worry more about him coming over unexpectedly. Very tired through lack of sleep, can't switch the brain off because i'm so worried about different things that could happen (they might not happen either, but that doesn't help).
Dxx
Hi Purplewings. I think you're doing brilliantly, staying extremely calm, despite the texts from the ex.
Awww, your daughter won a prize for best dancer, that's so sweet. Glad your son had a good time with his grandma too.
Try not to worry about the ex turning up. I hope you get a good nights sleep tonight. x
Hi Hazeleyes, thank you for the message.
Wish I felt better than I do now, I was right about the text, also followed by phone call. He demands to see his daughter because it's his right and doesn't understand why I say no. When I told him she doesn't want to go because he threatened to drag her to the car, he replied with yeah so what. Is he for real!! I refused to answer the phone to the next 2 phone calls and instead recieve a text from him saying that he's going to tell everyone about an affair i'm supposed to have had and that he's not going to make this easy for me. Gee what a surprise!! Punishing me for protecting my daughter shows how pathetic he really is. (I havn't responded to that text message either)
Send me more strength please, feeling very low. I know I shouldn't allow him to affect me, but it's very difficult.
Dxx
Update...
Another text message, his girlfriend this time, saying how unfair that I am being to my daughter (she doesn't want to go). Basically how the courts are not going to favour me because i'm such a bad mother, that I don't go anywhere with my children or play with them. I do play with them, I never have any money to go anywhere with them because I have been busy paying all of the debts I was left with and too busy providing everything else in their lives. (He pays diddlysquat). 7 text messages long this one. Didn't reply to that one either. Feeling very bullied right now. UUUURRRGGH.
That feels a wee bit better, I find that some of the anger eases as I type (was going to say write until I realised that i'm not writing lol). Might have a good cry later, once my son has gone to bed. Sucks doing this alone!. (ok not quite alone, my mam has just texted me saying that she is proud of me for not responding). I'm 33 and still feel happy when she says things like that. lol
Dxx
We are very proud of you too
PW, you need to get a new SIM card. Just before you put the new card in, text your daughter's dad from the old one and say I am changing to a new SIM card as I am not prepared to tolerate any abusive text messages from you or your girlfriend. Then switch the cards. You can give the new number just to those you trust, such as your mum.
As for the worrying....worrying about something NEVER affects its outcome. What is going to happen will happen whether you worry about it or not. "Allow" yourself a ration of time to worry, if you must, say 20 minutes, and set the alarm on your phone. When it rings say to yourself "Right, that is my worrying time done" and get up and distract yourself. When the thoughts get too much, set yourself another "allowed worrying time" (this time less, perhaps 10 minutes, and the next time five) This will enable you to feel more in control of the thoughts, at least.
Aww thanks, means a lot.
What a great idea about worrying times. Might try that later.
Had a couple of hours sleep last night, but looking forward to today. I'm off to do a 2 day course to assess my skills to see if I qualify to do an 8 week course, with a possible job at the end. The role of the job is to be a support worker and help struggling families with their problems. (Wonder if I qualify! lol). I have never worked before, have done training courses whilst kids were at school, got my clait and ecdl and rsa exams. Wanted to work in an office! lol The job i'm going for is nothing like working in an office but I thought why not give it a shot. Wish me luck! Some how I have to manage signing on at the job centre at the same time, will talk to them today when I sign.
Going to focus on the good stuff today (or at least try). I am strong!! (yay me) lol
D xx
GOOD LUCK with that, and let us know how it goes!
I was totally looking forward to today. How very wrong of me to do that. Walked into the course today and was confronted with my exes, sisters best friend. Who then informed me that the exes sister would be joining her on the course. I told the instructor that I couldn't stay as there would be ructions. The instructor never got a chance to say anything before the best friend started shouting at me, saying it's all your fault for stopping the ex from seeing his daughter. After a week of keeping calm and my emotions in check, I started to cry (just what I didn't want to do). She followed up with some more abuse and I lost my temper, shouted at her, told her to butt out and mind her own business that all i'm doing is protecting my daughter. The instructor found a quiet place for me to cry, they were apalled at the fact that this woman had started a row with me, especially as it doesn't concern her. Needless to say I couldn't stay there, they tried to persuade me saying that I would be the strong one if I went back in, I know this would have been true, but I just didn't have it in me.
Last night I received another 7 page text message stating that they are all going to make my life hell. (still not responding to them). Basically the girlfriend thinks that I want my ex back, kind of makes me laugh. That they are getting married and they will do everything they can to get my daughter. Problem being is that when you have a row with one member of exes family you get in a row with them all. I'm all alone for the most part. My mam has offered to come over when I need her. It just makes it worse that this is affecting so many people. Think I might get in touch with cafcass myself and see if they can help with kids. Is this a good thing to do. Don't know what to do anymore. Not giving up, my kids need me to be strong!!
Please get another SIM card and tell them you are doing this. Keep a record of all texts as this will illustrate to your solicitor and any court what you have had to put up with.
That was dreadful what happened today, none of her business. It is a pity they could not just ask her to leave because she was being disruptive, in fact I am surprised they didn't.
CAFCASS will not really be able to do anything at this stage, they are appointed by the courts, not by families.
Please make the SIM card your priority tomorrow!!!!! and come on here and talk to us about how you are.
Sending you lots of positive vibes
Thank you, Louise.
Really struggling tonight, don't quite know how to be ok. Snapped at the kids and then burst into tears, which then made my daughter cry and made my son very upset. Couldn't apologise enough, big hugs later followed by pizza. Hopefully i'll be back to my normal, calm and collected self again soon. Going to head off to bed and pray that I get some sleep.
Blessing dreams you guys.
D xx
Don't beat yourself up because you had a snap; it's normal., and allowed Today is another day, and I want you to sort out a new SIM card so you can stop receiving these awful messages. How did you sleep?
Please, do get another sim card.
It will stop at least part of this abuse...
Hi Purplewings
Welcome to One Space. Many other members will have been through what you are facing now, At the age of seven , your daughter is too small in law to have the final say about whether she sees her dad, and if you stop contact he can take court action to obtain an order.
Email our Legal Expert for some advice,