Hello, I'm a disabled, recently separated, 37 yr old Mum of a gorgeous 4 yr old boy. My ex has our son overnight every fortnight and sees him between one to two times during the week.
I'm hoping to get some advice as my son is very angry towards me now. He is constantly screaming and shouting at me, has sometimes hit me and refuses point blank to do simple things I ask such as getting dressed, eating meals or going to bed. Due to the nature of my disability, I am unable to physically lift or put my son in a naughty corner. He is very aware of this and throws himself on the ground as he knows I can't move him.
I love him so much but every day is a battle with him. I have tried rewards charts, removing toys, computer time etc but nothing seems to work. I know that our separation has had a major impact on him, we are still on friendly terms and his Dad is on-board with discipline but doesn't see or get the same behaviour as I do. Due to health problems, my mobility is seriously impaired so simple things like going to the park are a big struggle. I'm aware I can overreact to things largely because of the medication, chronic pain and lack of sleep, but I'm really struggling to turn things around. I can't always manage to get out of the house so can't even get him to nursery every day some weeks.
I would be extremely grateful if anyone can give me some advice. I want my happy go lucky little boy back and want him to enjoy his childhood and me.
Hi Sally W,
Thanks for your reply. It doesn't seem to make much difference whether he's seen his Dad or not. He knows he's misbehaving as he's told me that he wouldn't speak to his nursery teachers or anyone else the way he does to me. He's very well behaved and polite with everyone else, just not so much with me sometimes.
We told him that Mummy and Daddy weren't happy living together and didn't want to be sad or for him to be sad so Daddy got a new house and everyone's happier now. That we both love him very much and both of us are there for him anytime and he can phone either of us whenever he wants when he's staying at either house.
We're in the process of making posters for house rules which he seems excited about. He's cone up with a list of rules already, no shouting, no hitting etc so I'm hoping that this will help. I already praise him constantly and tell him exactly why I'm proud or happy with him.
I am also waiting to talk with the Young Carers Association and again, I'm hoping that this will help too.
Hi twinkleystar, welcome to One Space from me!
I am sorry to read that you are despairing with your son right now.
Firstly I think that because your son is behaving at nursery, you can pat yourself on the back, that he knows how to do that 
He is at an age where he is going to test all the boundaries that are in place, assert his place in this world, so when you are asking him to get ready for bed and he doesn't feel like it and he knows you can't physically pick him up and take him, then he can fight against those rules.
He has an awful lot going on for him right now, his parents have separated, how did he react when you and your ex told him you were splitting up? Do you think his behaviour is a reaction of this?
Your son needs to know that you are boss, not through shouting or punishment, but through firm, caring expectations and for you to feel able to do that you need to be in a good place. Do you have any hobbies/leisure time?
Hi Anna,
Thanks for your reply also. Initially he seemed to deal with split amazingly well but I think it's really sunk in now that we're really not all together anymore. I know he's got far too much going on his little head for him to be able to understand and that's where the anger comes from (in part due to split and partly due to my health issues)
My own hobbies band interests? They are now limited to reading. A few years ago, prior to disability, they would have been socialising, walking and goin out to eat or to cinema. Due to pain and medication, going out is now a rare occurrence and I don't have much energy for anything else other than reading. I did seem to lose "friends" when I could no longer do things I used to and I know this has had a huge impact on my son aswell.
Apologies for what reads like a pity party. I know there are loads of people in similar or worse situations. Sometimes it feels like no one really understands. Me and my son are trying to come to terms with my disability and a break up and I'm trying to stay strong and keep things as normal as possible for him all the time trying to deal with anger an setting boundaries.
What would you suggest I do/say when he has an outburst, for example, refusing to go to bed/get on pj's and he decides to move from room to room, lying on the floors screaming, crying and shouting? This is a recent change and a manor stressor at home just now.
I hear how difficult this is for you twinkleystar, i can't say i understand totally how this is for you as i don't have a disability, but we are here to support you.
Are you able to go sit with your son when he throws himself on the floor? if this is possible then i would suggest going to him and just putting your hand on his shoulder firmly so that he knows your there, let him calm down, then say what it is that you would like him to do "i would like you to get your Pj's on and get into bed" you can also try to make it in to a game you will need to have a clock or watch handy and say "lets see how fast you can get into your pj's" and time him.
What time is his bedtime? he is still quite young and some of these behaviours can stem from tiredness, he may need an earlier bedtime?
Hi Sally.
Thanks for the advice. I do use a clock or sometimes get changed at the same tine and make it a race. This used to work brilliantly and still does sometimes. His bedtime weekdays is between 7 & 7.30pm. Usually at weekends it's nearer 8.30pm.
Sorry if I sound ungrateful for all your help but honestly, I've tried (& stuck to) pretty much everything that's been advised. I can totally understand why he's angry with me, one minute he's got a Mummy who can do everything, next I'm in hospital then come home with a wheelchair and crutches. Then, his family unit is gone. I know he's scared that I'm going to leave too so every day, I'm constantly reassuring him that I'm not going anywhere and that both me and my ex love him loads.
He's definitely testing boundaries as Anna mentioned and everything's good until, like a usual 4 yr old, he doesn't get his owin way. it just feels like sometimes I'm totally on my own and I know things feel worse when I'm having a really bad day.
I'm so glad I came across this organisations website. It does feel good to write everything down and be able to talk to people honestly who can give me some advice and support. Thank you again.
You could take a look at these books (click for link) for children about seperation, and there these books that other users have recommended as well.
It is tough at first, it sounds like your doing all the right things, do you have friends or someone that your able to chat too? are you getting support with coming to terms with your disability?
Hello twinkley star
I just want to say welcome along and there is loads of support here and always someone to talk to.
I agree with everything that has been said but also would like to suggest that you contact these people (click) as they will have details of all sorts of groups and local assistance and hopefully there will be something that can help you and your son.
Hello Twinkleystar
I'm coming a bit late to your thread but I wanted to say well done on what you are doing with your son. So much has happened in both your lives and you are managing incredibly well.
It's good that you have remained on civil terms with his father. One thing I was wondering is if he lives nearby? I was wondering if he could take to nursery every day before work? Or if you have a family member who could do it?
I know this is nothing to do with the problem you are asking for help with (and I'm sorry I don't have any ideas on that) but I got this really strong independent vibe from your posts and I wa wondering if sometimes this might be adding to your personal stress.
So what I mean is that as a person with a disability, you have x number of challenges in your day. As a single parent you have y number of challenges in your day. As a parent you have z number of challenges in your day. I'm wondering if you might need to cut yourself a bit more slack?
I don't mean lose your independence or have carers or anything, but ask for specific help that will make your life a tiny bit easier. The nursery thing is what sprung to mind because you mentioned it, but also it might help him if he always goes no matter what (plus if you're not having a good day you need a break from him even more!)
Feel free to ignore me I just thought i'd put it out there as a thought.
Best of luck with it! He's lucky to have an amazing Mummy like you.
Love Gem
x
Hi twinkleystar
As parents we have a pretty rough ride, there are good patches and not so great patches, but generally they don't last (either way). You are seeking help and that shows that you are not willing to give up on your son or his behaviour.
He is testing you, but it sounds like you are doing everything that we all would do, so please don't berate yourself and this time will pass.
I agree with the suggestions above, get some more support around you, is that something you would consider?
Hi Gem,
Thanks so much for your post. I think you've hit the nail on the head with regards to me adding more stress for myself. I'm still coming to terms with my disability and definitely struggle, although am better now, at asking for help. Unfortunately, my ex works shifts so can't manage to take our son to nursery regularly. I have been asking friends for help but they all have their own kids and problems and school have made it very clear that they cannot help and I should have continuity, such as same person picking up and dropping off my son and not rely on different friends. It honestly feels like asking for help was the wrong thing to do as I'm now encountering different problems (& allegations) because of it!
I really appreciate the fact that you and others have taken time out of your own lives to offer me support and advice. It is amazing and very heart warming to know that there are still compassionate people who care about complete strangers enough to offer ideas and support for nothing in return.
I've had a meeting with Young Carers who confirmed that a lot of my son's anger and behaviour is common in children that live with disabled parent(s) & to add to that stress, he is dealing with our separation too. They might be able to offer help in the for of play led counselling for him and once he's a bit older, get him involved in groups and activities with other children in similar circumstances.
For me, as I said, I'm still coming to terms with my disability and the separation. This is definitely not how I imagined my life and guilt plays a big part now. Guilt because I can no longer do things I want to as a Mum and have to rely on help and other people for simple things like teaching him to ride his bike, going for a walk etc. Guilt because I can no longer work and support myself and my child. I know things will get better and that I need to give myself a swift kick and accept how things are now but it's hard.
Thank you again, everyone, for your posts, support and advice. I'll stop whinging now and try to focus on achievable goals and good things. Many thanks to you guys for showing me that I'm not alone.
XX
Hi twinkleystar were all entitled to a moan from time to time and such a lot has happened recently to you and these things will take a while to get to grips with. Be good to yourself too
Hi twinkleystar, there are a couple of stories that I came across today that I wanted to share with you Sharing and expressing feelings: supporting children of disabled parents and Regaining Optimism.
Out of interest what is your disability? Please only share if you wish :)
Hi guys,
Thanks for the info. I'll definitely be reading those stories.
2 years ago, I was diagnosed with a prolapsed disc and degenerative disc disease a few years prior to that. Due to where the prolapse was, it was pressing centrally on my sciatic nerve which meant not only back pain but pain, numbness and weakness down both legs. I have had 2 back ops which have not been entirely successful. The 1st one left me in a worse condition prior to surgery.
Today, I still have a prolapse, muscle spasms and weakness and nerve damage. I am on a very high dosage of painkillers which I actually cut down on becoming a single parent. I struggle with mobility and chronic pain daily and have to rely on crutches or a wheelchair for getting out.
I'm well aware that things could be worse but it would be nice if people treated me as they did prior to this and didn't think I was "faking" or "making my situation out to be worse than it is". I've certainly gotten my eyes opened as to how some people treat folks with a disability. In a lot of cases, it's very positive however I've come across my fair share of folks who look down on you, speak to whoever you're with rather than me or are just plain rude!
I don't expect to be treated differently to an able bodied person however there are some instances where I do require a bit of extra help with things. I don't want anyone's pity, just to be treated with the same respect (or not) as I was before.
There you go, rant over. It's still very emotional and raw for me and I am actively getting help to come to terms with the "new" me. Apologies if that was long winded or sounded like I'm stuck in self pity. Some days I guess I can be but as full time parents you know you have to paste a smile on and get on with things the best you can for your kids and that's what I do.
xx
Oooh twinkleystar, it sounds like your day to day life can be quite a struggle, but I am pleased to hear that you are actively getting help to come to terms with your new situation. It must be quite a shock to see people treat you so differently from before, all because of a wheelchair.
It doesn't sound at all as though you are stuck in self pity (although I do believe you are allowed a little bit of that from time to time, it helps us move forward ).
What things help you to feel better?
Hello twinkleystar and welcome along to One Space
I'm sorry to hear your having difficulties with your son at the moment, you may find this article Supporting Your Children after Seperation useful.
Do you have any other support other than Dad?
Is there a pattern to your sons behaviour i.e is his behaviour worse when he has come back from having contact with his dad?
The thing that i would suggest to start with is spending lots of quality time with your son and reassuring him that you are there for him.
What have you told him about your seperation from dad?
Something else to do is to praise his good behaviour, make a big deal out of the things that he does well or what he is told to do, so something like "your such a star, i really like it when you help me by going to bed nicely"
I can recommend other things you can do but don't want to over load you all at once, let us know how you get on with these?