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Hi
Hubby and I have been discussing separation, its mainly come from me but he has agreed it may help.
We have been married 4 years and together 11. Hubby agrees he has been very immature and complacent throughout the relationship, his mardy, selfish moods have caused rows and me to resent him. He hasnt put me first and has basically made me lose the fire in my belly and this has caused the spark to die...I love him as a friend but Im not in love with him anymore....Ive told him, we communicate very well but he has done nothing till 2 years ago...now he makes effort, mostly but my feelings havent returned. His mardyness and childishness is worse at times with our little one as he has no patience.....
We have a daughter of 18m.... things seemed good then...I knew we werent 100% and it was by no means to correct the bad relationship.
We have discussed many things and keep going but now and then it all rears up and we are miserable and miss the intimacy....
How do you make the move to separate.....?
I only work 2 days and hubby said he would pay the mortgage .....
Advice anyone??? xxxx
welcome lotti33
this site is really good for help and support, at first the thought of being fully on your own is scarey and you feel you have amillion of things going on . But take each day as it comes and do use the links that louise as given i found them to be helpful . also ring the child tax and inform them and go and see citizens advice , but working 16hrs you do get more money . that is what i had to do and my boys school do a aftercare club so they go there and love it see what help is there for your daughter . louise told me and others that there is light at the end of the tunnel and im just about to start to see that light . at first it is scarey and you do feel how are you going to cope and you just do others have and id never thought that i would but i have slowly.
make sure in your own head this is what you want to do and get all your help sorted out and like louise said you may feel in a better place as what or where you are going to go . but take each day at a time
Great post shaz 5, thank you.
Hi lotti33, how are you doing?
Hi, not too bad...I dont know if I can see myself seperating now....financially its going to be messy and then family knowing etc...we have a few big do's with friends bdays and it will be all out...and ppl will gossip not to mention our daughter who is no 1 for us both....she wont understand and is going thru a super clingy stage so now its not so good...but when is a good time?? lol There never is a good time. He really is my best mate and Im crusified that im hurting him.
We are going to have a few sessions with Relate....see what happens but Ive just got such a feeling that Im not going to get my feelings back for hubby romantically...I feel too much has gone by and too much time.......
Thanks for the replies....
I only work 15 hrs....that is over two full days. This is due to childcare so had to choose 2 days not 3 like I wanted....means my entitlement is much less!!!!!!
Let us know how you get on at Relate. it really is about the two of you and your daughter and not all the other family and friends. And you deserve to be happy, and he deserves to be with a partner who loves him, too 
Hi
Relate was ok....not brilliant though as I felt the counsellor was putting words in hubbys mouth and very much more 'on his side' rather than remaining inpartial....(Ive dont some counselling training).
We have talked very calmly lately and actually agreed on more...in that we need a break if we are going to have any chance at not spoiling the friendship we have.
Ive realised after years of no intimacy I dont feel it will come back and Im not sure I want it back now....maybe being apart will change that but i was honest with myself and hubby by admitting I feel the romance/spark etc has gone a long time ago and we didint help opening the relationship up.....I want to keep the awesome friendship...I love him as my best mate and soul mate...He said he wants it too but also wants the marriage and intimacy. We both dont want to lose the friendship though and I suppose its hubby who will have to decide if he can eventually just have the friendship. We are a great team with our daughter so we want to keep that too.
Hubbys sister has said he can stay there for a few weeks, he thinks I should know how I feel......
We discussed last night what would happen if we couldnt make it work or if I didnt want to carry on.....it was painful and I hate that he is hurting....I just feel we have both changed soooo much in different ways over the years that we are damaging eachother and being apart and starting again would do us the world of good......hubby agreed he has become sooo complacent he doesnt makeany effort at home or with me let alone himself.....we established he started after he had glandular fever which isnt hard to understand but then I was ill with anxiety and depression...I was very withdrawn and didnt go out much which is opposite to how I am.....now Ive come out of it, im back to how I was if not different in other ways....hubby hasnt come back to how he was......
I really do love the friendship and union we have and dont want to lose it. Lets see if any other emotions come up during this separation......
Hi Lotti33
It sounds like such a difficult time for you both, but what is so very clear is that you do love him.
How many times have you been to Relate? Will you be going again?
How about a trial separation, perhaps your hubby could stay with her for a month, as she has offered and see how that works for you both?
When you say it would do you a world of good to be apart and starting again, are you meaning starting again with each other OR with other people?
If you are saying with other people, I think it is important not to think about 'who' or 'what' might be, as often this isn't the case. We have to deal with the facts as they are, rather than the 'ifs' - if you get my drift!
Hi Lotti33 i think i can relate to how you are feeling, im also a new member and struggling with a daunting seperation, i think for me its the feeling of walking into the unknown, my partner and i have been together for 11 yrs and he is a fabulous dad, but we just dont have that spark anymore and i dont love him as i should, the trouble now is its beginning to effect our 3 children, you have to do what you feel is right for yourself and your littleone and not worry about friends and family as if they love you they will support you, hope it all works out for the best xx
Hi charliebear and welcome, yes it is daunting isn't it, but it is a big brave step, for both of you.
Do you have a separation date that has been decided? Are you discussing where you will live and monies etc amicably?
How old are you children?
Hi
I am new. I have been married for 9 years have 2 children 5 and 6 years old. I found out this morning my husband has been having an affair, in the past few years I have found texts and internet conversions with other women but forgave. I got angry while questioning him we fought. I feel so tired of being unhappy and agueing all the time and infront of the kids. I am a student nurse in my 2nd year at university. I am worried and confused not sure how and where ti start.
He does not believe that what he has been doing is wrong and I feel like he is taking advantage of me being understanding. He pays most of the bills. I need help and advices please
Hello Christine10, i am really sorry to hear about what has been going on for you and it is totally understandable that you have been feeling so unhappy.
I can understand that this is a really difficult time, but eventually you will have to make some decisions on what you are going to do if you have not already, it is also really unfair of your husband to not own up to his irresponsible behaviour.
There are many things that you can do if you decide that you are leaving your husband, you are going to need some help with the financial side of things, you can contact Citizens Advice heres a link for their National website and from there a local contact number\address. You can also contact your local Benefits office to see what support you would be entitled to.
You are also going to need some Legal Advice, as you will need to know where you stand regarding your property, bills, maintenance etc. (see link below for where to get help with this)
Do you have friends and family that are supportive of you?
I have also put this link to an article for those that have recently become single parents, it has additional tips for what you may need to do and where you can get help and advice.
Big hug coming your way.
Hello Lotti33
Welcome to One Space.
Separation is a big step but if you decide to go ahead then it should be just that: "separation". Your last line about him paying the mortgage means that you would live apart but things would basically continue the same otherwise. What if you met someone else? He may feel less co-operative in those circumstances!
If you decide to go ahead then it is a case of looking at yourself and your daughter as an independent family unit. If you work for at least 16 hours then you can apply for Working Tax Credit, for example, and your daughter's dad can contribute an agreed amount and you can manage your own budget. Ok that might mean a house move, and maybe renting rather than buying (unless you are able/willing to take on more work)but you would be your own person.
Our Money Expert can give you details of what your financial situation would be as a single parent and have a look at Child Maintenance Options for guidance on drawing up a support agreement between you. You would also need to think about arrangements for your daughter and what time she would spend for each of you. Our Legal Expert can give you any information you may need about divorce.
All of this information-gathering can be quite onerous but once you know where you are batting, you might feel better placed to decide on the way ahead