Hi, I've just found this website!
I can't stop calling myself an idiot. Honestly, sometimes I find myself saying it out loud to myself. I had everything going for me and somehow I find myself in my 30's with 4 kids, 3 different dads, single been through severe domestic violence with husband number 3, which resulted in kids being on a child protection plan ( now off it), now struggling working, single and I have opened my eyes at last. I now see what I could have achieved in life and it's all my fault I am where I am now. I don't know what has been wrong with me, all the partners were unsuitable (uneducated, violent, nasty etc...) and now I have problems with oldest and youngest not seing their dads at all. Worse they are boys and I feel guilty that I have taken their dads away. I have a foreboding feeling that things will get worse, either my ex will find us(just moved house) or my boys will be out of control. My oldest is being really difficult, he constantly argues with his siblings, is lazy and rude.
Sometimes I don't want to get out of bed but have to coz of kids. Dont feel I have enough hours in day to do everything and still have time to do one of my interests. Dont have enough money to buy a house etc. Am moody, sometimes avoid friends phone calls, think too deeply about everything. I'm starting to think I have a borderline personality disorder. Im tired go to bed same time as kids so dont even have any peace at night to do stuff.
There's so much I want to do but I constantly feel I'm running out of time. I hate routine and like excitement and change, my life is boring. I want to take the kids out, travel etc.. but they just argue wherever we go and make it miserable.
This post sounds like I'm such a moaner, I am actually a normal person that has a full time ok job and friends (honest!!) but these feelings are taking over my life.
Hi anazzz
Please don't be so hard on yourself. I think if you can try and not think about what you haven't achieved, and maybe see if there are ways in which you can try to achieve your goals?
My oldest is 20 and has been majorly affected by the rubbish that went on - and I've been on my own for not far off 8 years now. I've got four children (youngest is 12). Last night they were all hauled in for a lecture and not doing jobs, and then sent away, and eldest called back to sit down, have a quiet chat and a cuddle. He's not so good at the mo with things, but needs the cuddles...
Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
It may be a cliche, but any day can be a new start. You have survived so much, which in itself is such an achievement.
""excitement and change, my life is boring. I want to take the kids out, travel etc.. but they just argue wherever we go and make it miserable.
This post sounds like I'm such a moaner, I am actually a normal person that has a full time ok job and friends (honest!!) but these feelings are taking over my life.""
excitement and change your after well you have made the change by comming here
How can your life be boring you have lovely children and want the best for them and you work dammed hard for them and yourself.
all kids argue and play up when they go out, ours did too
you sound like a loverly person too who is caring and honest just a bit down today :)
Have you though of going to the doctors for something?
Hi everyone, thanks for the replies! I was feeling a bit blue that day, you're right.
I loved being single at first, concentrated on all the good things... having a bed to myself, going to bed as early or late as I want, doing what I want when I want, eating anything I choose for dinner etc.. but lately I've been getting so upset. My friend has a loving partner who does everything for her! serious, he meets her from bus stops, they always know where each other is, she phones him when she is leaving somewhere so he knows when to expect her back, they spend quality time together and I think, no one cares about me like that. No one knows what time I'm due home so if I dont make it home for some awful reason, there's no one to raise the alarm. No one cares if I've had a good or bad day, or if I'm feeling upset or happy. Yes I have my kids but they are young and care free. I have no one that is there just for me exclusively like people who are in relationships. I don't have anyone to share happy moments with the kids or to laugh with about what the children got up to.
Even today, I went to the cinema (alone) and it was full of elderly couples and I thought, this will never be me, all the memories they share and the exclusiveness of being there just for each other, I will never have.
Anna, I have had womens aid support, but have not really used it much. I never wanted to see myself as a victim and felt really strong and angry, yet fresh and excited about a new beginning. But 9/10 months down the line I suddenly feel like crap. I've tried counselling but stopped after a couple of sessions, to be honest I was made to do these things by social services and my heart wasn't in them. I've had police counsellors, a home office alarm, all sorts of support offered but it has suddenly all gone.
I have a strong feeling to run away. I've had this for a couple of months. I was told by womens aid a couple of years ago that I could go into a refuge anywhere in the country and make a fresh start. I tried to do it but because I dont get benefits they said I would have to pay £700 per week!
SAsha, I have thought about going to GP but I'm so scared of criticism that I cant. Im worried they will get social care back involved who were really unhelpful, made the stress 10 times worse.
Sparklinglime, that is what I feel my eldest son needs, a hug and time on his own with me. He has suffered so much, I see now what he's been through, he's been criticised so much by my ex and when I tried to stand up for him my ex would start on me so this made me shut up to a certain extent. The truth is I don't know what he's into. He likes computers and animation.
Now I'm so tired all the time that I go to bed before my kids.So the opportunity to be alone with the oldest never seems to arise. I'm contemplating giving up work and going on income support so I can have time to heal as a family.
I do really want to make time just for my children but just don't know where to start. Everythings such a mess and a muddle.
scared of criticism why? the dr is there to help YOU not the skanky ss.
There is nothing to be ashamed of getting help it will make you better in the end and you could ask for counciling to. another thing i was told is meditation or very long walks now they do help.
Just take one day or hour at a time and if you are getting worked up look out of the window at something nice and take a deep breath through your nose in untill you nearly bust then hold it as long as you can then release it through your mouth counting to 6.
I used to go to bed before our 5 year old but i am up at 2am for work.
dont give up work you will only be getting stressed and upset all day and you WILL feel worse
If this was a dating site i would be knocking on your door :0)
NL
Hello anazz
Sahsa is right, go and see the GP, the social services were involved before because of your partner's abuse, just to see the children were OK, that does not apply now.
Being that tired is something I so relate to, my boys were three and eight when I ended my marriage and I have always worked and frantically juggled different jobs. You do get through,BUT I hear what you are saying about time to heal. As a first step (and I do think it is important to take steps, not just sit with how rotten you feel) email our Money Expert and ask them for a projection of what money you would get if you gave up work. Ask them for specific amounts. Make sure you outline your housing situation to them, whether rented or mortgage and how much that currently costs and also whether you have any savings Then when you get the projection you can make a decision as to whether to give up work......another option would be to look for part time work and supplement your income with Working Tax Credit.
It sounds as if you had loads of potential help at the time and it was too much to take in and now, when you could do with it, it has disappeared. That is exactly like the fuss that can surround someone who has been bereaved and yet after the funeral. when the person is trying to focus on moving forward with a very different life, the support is not there. Your GP can refer you to a counsellor, it sounds to me as if one thing that would help you is to talk about your sense of loss.
So there are two things you can immediately do to start to tackle this: a GP appointment and emailing about the money. Over to you!!
Annazzz - You sound like me a few years ago!!!!
I had just got rid of an abusive husband, 4 children by two dads - neither of them interested, neither of them paying anything for anything (no mortgage, no electric, no food), so was on emergency income support and lost the house. I slept for 3 months - literally: I'd get up, take the little people to school, set the alarm for when to pick them up again, get them, sleep for an hour, make dinner, wait till their bedtime and go to bed myself. After the three months I thought this isn't any good, you can do better. Got myself a job, found a childminder and things got better from then.
I met my second husband who sadly died from cancer, so have lots of no-dad-issues with my lot. I am about to start my last year on a university course for adult nursing. Like you I hate routine and like excitement.
You'll be ok! I've not read all the comments, but I am sure everyone will have given you good practical advise - they're brilliant like that.
I just thought, if you can see I could do it, you'll know you can do it, too!
Hang in there, you'll make it!!! xx
Great post, Hopeful 
hello
i got half way through your second post, your friends fella doesn.t sound caring he sounds controlling and insecure... like you i dragged my kids through sever domestic violence, do i feel guilty? your damn right i do but i aint dwelling on that cos theres no piont, its a complete waste of energy.
the reason i felt lost after my ralationship broke down was because i was missing the adrenelin rush that comes with living with an abuser. the way your feeling is nothing to do with a mental illness, its simply physical withdrawel. read up on PSTD(post dramatic stress disorders), honestly you'll see in black and white why you are feeling the way you are. just seing that brings comfort because its all to do with the chemicals and survival mechanisms we use to get through terror.
you've got a safe home, four beautiful kids who know some of the harsh realities in life, if anything seing their mum heal from this will make them stronger in their lives, take the postives because they out wight the negatives. you've survived the worst keep that in mind.
enjoy re-creating youself and become the woman he stopped you being!!
hello
i got half way through your second post, your friends fella doesn.t sound caring he sounds controlling and insecure... like you i dragged my kids through sever domestic violence, do i feel guilty? your damn right i do but i aint dwelling on that cos theres no piont, its a complete waste of energy.
the reason i felt lost after my ralationship broke down was because i was missing the adrenelin rush that comes with living with an abuser. the way your feeling is nothing to do with a mental illness, its simply physical withdrawel. read up on PSTD(post dramatic stress disorders), honestly you'll see in black and white why you are feeling the way you are. just seing that brings comfort because its all to do with the chemicals and survival mechanisms we use to get through terror.
you've got a safe home, four beautiful kids who know some of the harsh realities in life, if anything seing their mum heal from this will make them stronger in their lives, take the postives because they out wight the negatives. you've survived the worst keep that in mind.
enjoy re-creating youself and become the woman he stopped you being!!
hello
i got half way through your second post, your friends fella doesn.t sound caring he sounds controlling and insecure... like you i dragged my kids through sever domestic violence, do i feel guilty? your damn right i do but i aint dwelling on that cos theres no piont, its a complete waste of energy.
the reason i felt lost after my ralationship broke down was because i was missing the adrenelin rush that comes with living with an abuser. the way your feeling is nothing to do with a mental illness, its simply physical withdrawel. read up on PSTD(post dramatic stress disorders), honestly you'll see in black and white why you are feeling the way you are. just seing that brings comfort because its all to do with the chemicals and survival mechanisms we use to get through terror.
you've got a safe home, four beautiful kids who know some of the harsh realities in life, if anything seing their mum heal from this will make them stronger in their lives, take the postives because they out wight the negatives. you've survived the worst keep that in mind.
enjoy re-creating youself and become the woman he stopped you being!!
hello
i got half way through your second post, your friends fella doesn.t sound caring he sounds controlling and insecure... like you i dragged my kids through sever domestic violence, do i feel guilty? your damn right i do but i aint dwelling on that cos theres no piont, its a complete waste of energy.
the reason i felt lost after my ralationship broke down was because i was missing the adrenelin rush that comes with living with an abuser. the way your feeling is nothing to do with a mental illness, its simply physical withdrawel. read up on PSTD(post dramatic stress disorders), honestly you'll see in black and white why you are feeling the way you are. just seing that brings comfort because its all to do with the chemicals and survival mechanisms we use to get through terror.
you've got a safe home, four beautiful kids who know some of the harsh realities in life, if anything seing their mum heal from this will make them stronger in their lives, take the postives because they out wight the negatives. you've survived the worst keep that in mind.
enjoy re-creating youself and become the woman he stopped you being!!
hello god knows what happend there,as you can see im crap with a pc!
Hi anazzz, bea4 has written a brilliant post, so good it is forgiveable that it managed to be inserted 4 times!! 
I agree with bea4, your friends partner does sound controlling and you never know what goes on behind closed doors.
I have a friend who was in an abusive marriage in her early 20's, after she got out, she started dating a guy from work. They moved in together and then went on to have children. Oh we thought he was marvellous, he would drop her off when we were going out, he would come and pick her up, sometimes earlier and join us for a few drinks. We all thought he was sooo considerate and adoring - long story short - he wasn't, he was controlling, now 10 years on, he has proved to be an absolutely vile man. The handsome, friendly, happy go lucky, matey guy that we all adored was very scarily the very opposite.
Please do not believe all that you see and also please do not put your imagination of wonderful relationships onto others. No relationship is perfect or wonderful all the time.
There is also a lot of truth in bea4's post regarding the adrenalin rush, you have been used to being on heightened alert, the cycle of violence is well imbedded into your family and it will take time to unravel and feel safe and ok with nothing really going on.
hopeful also wrote an excellent post, with lots of food for thought and insight into your future!
Have you contacted our Money Expert and your GP?
Would you consider attending a domestic violence group locally??
Thanks bea4! I have read before that women who get into violent relationships often grew up seeing DV and it's the adrenaline rush they crave so it makes sense what you're saying. I've always been a bit of a thrill seeker, often taken risks and always gone for the bad guy! I just don't trust any men now tho, nice or not I think 3 years down the line they will turn psycho no matter how nice they are at first.
I'm doing the freedom programme on here, don't really have time to go to any groups. Been at work today so haven't emailed money expert yet.
Thanks hopeful, good luck with uni, all I seem to do is routine stuff, pack lunches, wash uniforms, bed early, get up early... In fact got to make sandwiches now
Xx
Hi anazz
I can relate to how you feel about the whole routine thing i have four kids too and life has to run like a well oiled clock, i often feel like some sort of sergeant major, have you done this, have you got that don't do this, do that.
I also have had day's where i have wanted to run and hide and for someone else to just take the load of my shoulders, but then i'd have a chat to my girl friends and we would have a girly night in and put the world right, this works wonders for me. Do you have friends that you could have a girls night with?
I am glad to hear that you are doing the Freedom Programme, have you thought anymore about going to your GP?
hi ive gt 10 children and i recently been in a voilent relationship with my x partner so sociel serveces got involved and i straight away ended the relationship . but by then he got more voilent and started hurting me in front of the kids so i got a non molestation order out on him and moved because sociel serveces told me if i didnt do this i would lose all my children ,so i did tht and know shes taking me to court to take away my children because of my x n his lies n hes been forgot all about now but they am still on my case as if ive done summat wrong they am goin 0n for everything an anything she twists things all the time the sw aint on my case for anything apart frm dv with my x and knw my 1 yr old lil boy gt a lil burn on his leg from my radiator n shes gone and made appointments with the hospital for him to b checked all over n checks up on me and kids at the doctors they aint even on a child protection or anything ! i dunno wt to do anymore i feel like giving in tbh my children have always had food and always clean n house clean so i dunno wt ime doin anymore who can i talk to tht can give me advice ?
Hi pinklace and welcome to One Space! Wow 10 children, thats pretty full on I bet! 
I am sorry to read the troubles you have been having, but well done for you for ending the relationship with your ex - good step forward.
Do you know about the Family Rights Group (click)? They are an excellent organisation who advises families whose children are involved with or need childrens services because of welfare needs or concerns. They have support groups around the country and also have a really good tool try this for parents.
You have obviously been through an awful lot, so try and get as much support as you can.
What does your social worker say that she wants you to do?
Hi Pinklace and welcome to One Space
Firstly well done you for getting out of an abusive relationship, that takes a lot of courage to do.
I would imagine that the Social Worker is just taking precautions to make sure that you and the children are not in any danger. When you left your ex partner did you have any help from a Domestic Abuse Service? You can always call Womensaid, they can put you in touch with local services to you, there number is 0808 2000 247 you can call them any time.
What advice are you looking for Pinklace? it sounds like you could probably do with some legal advice, you can send a message to our Legal Expert (click for link) if you have not received any so far. How long has it been since you left your partner? Does he see the children? Do you get support from family or friends? I know i am asking quite a few questions i am just trying to see how best we can support you.
Hi there anazzz, welcome to One Space. It sounds as though you are feeling really blue today and getting down, is always a good step to moving forward.
You have been through some really very tough years, as have your children and you all need time to heal.
Are you in touch with Womens Aid? You really need to find some ongoing support for yourself and your children too.
You calling yourself an idiot is NOT going to help anything or anyone. If anything it means that you are continuing the abuse on yourself that another person started. So please anazzz, first thing is to tell yourself
" have made mistakes in my past, but I love myself and my family and I am going to do everything in my power to move forward with life and create a healthy happy home."
Your eldest son has been through an awful lot, he has been unable to look after and protect you (so may feel unhappy with himself) he has seen some terrible behaviour by males (and so has learnt if you are a bully you get your own way) I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't really like himself very much at the moment. Does he do any after school activities? What does he like doing? Football? Swimming? Cars?
Focus this year on making changes for you and your family, we will get you through it. Have you ever spoken with a counsellor?