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Hi All, Happy new year.
I am really struggling with 4 (nearly 5) year old sons behaviour, I've mentioned it on here before and have recieved advice but just nothing seems to work at all or for more than a few times. Have now had a chat with him and have suggested that we make some house rules both for him and me, he seemed very keen on the idea which I was pleased about. Have got some ideas of things I would like to implement as rules but just wondering if anyone has got any suggestions I may not of thought of or any advice on how many rules to limit it to.
Also just wondered whether or not to involve his dad in the process at the min he is probably at mine 5 out of 7 days a week but I think this will be changing soon as he has spoken about moving in with his new girlfriend.
Any advice would be gratefully recieved
Hi hazeleyes, having problems with meal times it takes so long it's unbelievable some days, and just general not listening and totally ignoring me when I ask him to do something.
Hi hazeleyes, having problems with meal times it takes so long it's unbelievable some days, and just general not listening and totally ignoring me when I ask him to do something.
Hi zippy
When we are trying to change the behaviour of our children it is important to not get bogged down with everything.
Focus on one area first, I am presuming it would be the listening.
When you ask him to do something, it is really important to get down to his level and look him in the eyes when you want him to do something. Then ask him "what do I want you to do"
Remember if it is tidy his bedroom, you need to say "I want you to put your books on the shelf, your cars in the box and clothes in the wash basket" No more than 3 instructions. Then once he has repeated it back he knows exactly what he needs to do.
If he ignores you, you need to repeat yourself, perhaps in a quieter lower voice. Do not talk around the houses, just short clear instructions.
Boys love boundaries and rules and they respect their parent when there are consequences. (Not that they will show it in the short term!)
You say that your ex is round your house a lot at the moment, is that your choice?
Hi anna i have tried the things you sugested above but as i say it just doesnt work i dont know why hence why i thought about trying a list of house rules to try and eliminate the bad but also include something in it more structurally about doing fun things.
The ex being around a lot is just something that seems to have happened, I don't mind too much and I do say if I want him to go and he will go. We actually get on a lot better now than when we were together.
Does your ex pay attention to your son? Does your ex listen to him?
Does your son listen to your ex more than you?
Son listens to me more than his dad. His dad varies in the amount of attention he pays to him and how much he listens to him
Does your ex listen to you?
When you say you have tried those techniques and it doesn't work, what is that doesn't work? Can he hear you? Is he distracted by the tv?
Hi
Just some things that helped with my lot - I'm sure they'll be things you've already done though... I used Anna's techniques too - especially with my third son
Has he had his hearing tested? I ask that as my older two were almost totally deaf when they were 5 and 3 due to glue year. I had to touch them and say their name to get their attention.
My third child has autism/aspurger's. When I speak to him I always start with his name so he knows it's directed at him (I know this sounds simple, but it made a huge difference).
If meal times are slow, then put a time limit on them. He has until the big hand reaches what ever time you chose and then you take the plate away. That helped here... Fruit was the only thing offered between meals. My youngest is now 12 and I still do this, especially with breakfast!
Will you be using a star chart for house rules? I just feel that chatting through rules that maybe he's a bit young, while with a star chart he can see how he's doing?
It can be so frustrating...
Ex varies very much as to how much he listens to anyone about anything depends on how interested he is in whats got to be said.
I've tried getting down to his level repeating things I turnoff the tv if I want him to listen and he tells me what Ive said to him he may do part of what he's asked some of the time but never all of it. Quite often he'll turn round and tell me no
Hi Sparklinglime
L's hearing has been tested on numerous occasions as we felt he wasnt hearing properly but tests has shown he is and he has been discharged. Theres mainly only me and him in the house but even so I do mostly use his name when I talk to him as I knoe he responds slightly better to this.
I've tried limiting meal times and it just means he doesn't eat for days then he'll eat for a couple and then we are back to the same situation of him not eating again. He's also struggling with lunch times at school apparently causing problems everyday. He doesn't very often ask for anything between meals and if he does he only ever gets fruit or maybe carrot/cucumber sticks.
Was planning on using some form of visible reward scheme along side the rules, he is very advanced with his understanding and would be able to understand rules plus he's grown up with them at the nursery he went to for 3 1/2 yrs before starting school.
Thanks for the ideas :)
Hi zippy
Nice to see you 
Even though your son is so advanced you have to remember that "discussing" things hands him rather too much of the power. In other words, it's not up for discussion, what YOU say goes. I would be reluctant to involve your son's dad too much...if HE chooses to adopt the house rules in his home too, or indeed make his own rules then that is up to him.
The star chart thing is a great idea. If doing this remember to reward SPECIFIC behaviour, in other words rather than "being good" you have up to three behaviours, you could link this to your house rules idea ie say ok we talked about house rules and I have thought of three rules I would like to have.....and he gets a star for doing them.
As for food, I totally agree with sparkling. What we have to realise is that children cotton on REALLY QUICKLY if somethingworries us and he has clearly seen that if he does not eat it worries you.....he will get attention if he messes about with food......you need a meal timer, and to leave the room. You can re-enter the room and say very casually oh dear there are only ten minutes left for teatime....when time is up you remove food without comment. After a few days of this, invite another child to tea, who loves their food (pity I can't lend you my son!) Don't mention anything whatsoever about your own son's mealtime behaviour but spend the teatime praising the other child with things like "oh you have eaten your tea nicely, Johnny" and "well done Johnny". As for not eating in general, no child who had access to food ever starved and as long as he is drinking fluids, then DO NOT WORRY. easier said than done, I know, but spoken from a quarter of a century of experience.
Hi Zippy. Sorry you're having problems with your nearly 5 year old. Can I ask what sort of 'bad' behaviour is he showing? I know you've written on here before, but I can't find your thread for it.