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Hello all, I am new here and not sure if I have this in the right place!
I am 39 years old and have two children age 10 and 12. I was a single mum from when they were toddlers (their dad and I divorced). I had a good network of family and worked part time when I could until I met my (now) ex partner. My ex partner and I met a few years ago and dated until we were sure (or so I thought) that we could set up home together. Then last year we were put into a position where a child from my partners side of the family (a relative) was being put into the care system. We had no choice but to move 200 miles to accomodate this lad and foster him, within the family. We took care of him until his natural parent was ready to rehome him after 6 months. It was a hard time with lots of mixed emotions. We didnt make this decision lightly and looking back I am glad we gave this lad a good start in life and prevented him from being split from the family. But it meant a huge change for myself and my children, schools, a new area etc. My network of friends and family had been soley my ex partners family.
Yesterday, he sat me down and said he couldnt deal with 'family life', hadnt bonded with my children (after all this time?) and was leaving.
My children are my life, any decision I make is always based on their happiness, and its probably why my heart strings were pulled when we decided to step in and foster his relative. But now, today I am angry.
I feel abandoned in an area I don't know with no friends or family. My children have taken the news indifferently, they have been brought up mostly by me alone. They have started to express and interest in 'going home'. I feel the same, there is nothing here for me. I want to be around my family right now.
My partner has graciously and with honour (his words not mine!) left me in this housing association house and is willing to hand it over to me. Which is good, im not homeless and maybe I am being selfish because I at least have a roof over my head. I havent even begun to think about the loss of someone I love, but instead at the moment am panicking.
I feel overwhelmed at the huge task I have ahead of me. I know i'm going to have the child tax credits stopped now, and will have to reapply which leaves me weeks with no income. I have never chosen to go on income support because my ex husband pays me maintenance every month and i dont ever want to lose that through the CSA system.
I don't know if I can transfer my tenancy from this area, back to where I come from. I can't do home swapper because there is a 6 month window where I cant swap from this house. Private renting is out right now as I just dont have the money to move nor pay deposit. I feel lost and abandoned right now.
I am angry with him for walking away from us after all we did to make this move happen for the sake of his nephew.
Thanks for listening :)
Hi
The thing about your situation is that if you are able to take on the tenancy of a social housing property, and as your children seem content, then personally, I would stick with it for six months until you can try and swap.
Perhaps by then you will feel less angry and decision making will be easier.
Having been in a private let, where the landlord sold up and left my four children and me homeless, I really don't think that the security you do have with social housing can every be beaten. That's just because of what we've been through. We were incredibly lucky in being allocated this house.
I am sorry that you're facing this. I hope that the working tax credit side of things can be sorted. When I claimed the woman I spoke to was lovely and kind, and it was through in a couple of weeks.
Please do keep posting as the support you can find on this board is brilliant.
Thankyou so much for your comments. I have rang my housing officer today who was very sympathetic on the phone and said I can infact go for a homeswap straight away. She also advised me to phone the local authority back home and explain the circumstances in which I find myself, presenting social service documents etc to back up the urgency in which we came here.
My eldest started her first year at high school here (last sept) and my youngest is due to start this september. My reasoning (and panic I suppose) is that I want to at least try and keep things stable for them where school is concerned. If I go back home, they will at least be in a school with friends they left last year. Although they were indifferent to my ex leaving (they were more upset when I told them we couldnt now get a dog!), they both wanted to know if this meant 'we were going home', so i know thats on their minds.
I am feeling angry and confused right now, so hopefully the next few weeks will bring some clarity as i start to unravel the mess I have to deal with now. I have also had an offer of a place to stay (3 bed house) with my best friend, short term until I find somewhere if I felt I wanted to make the move anyway.
Right now i'm packing up his things (and resisting the urge to hide prawns in his underpants!), so thats something to focus on.
Thanks again :) x
I'm glad they were helpful.
I have to say other than one woman who was horrid, everyone I dealt with were so kind.
Anger is a natural emotion...
Can I please suggest though that you be careful with moving out of your house for so long? Leaving the house could mean that you will be off the register? Things could be very different now, but when I was homeless I had to stay out of my area, and didn't dare tell a soul as I would have been crossed off the list in an instance.
I don't mean to worry, it's just in case...
Hi sparkling, thankyou for your reply. I should have said the friend who has offered us a stop gap is back home, not in the area I am living now. I wont move from here until I am sure I am going somewhere, but I also need to consider timing for the childrens school.
Maybe I should just kick myself up the arse and stay here, make some friends and look at it as a new start. thats too scary for me to contemplate right now :( I popped down the shop this evening and everything felt so alien and cold. I know its early days, but all I want really right now is to be near my friends and family. xx
Hello Demaris
Just wanted to welcome you along. The others have given you some great information,
One rule of thumb I always have is that "knowledge is power", in other words, I gather information and when I have it all, then I feel in a position to make a decision. So that would be my suggestion, to gather all the information you can. The desire to return back to your former home is totally understandable, it is the wish to get back to what you perceive as "safety". You should be able to make a decision soon, when you have found out all the facts and figures/
We are always here for you to talk to. whether that is about your feelings, or practical things, there is lots of support here for you 
Thankyou everyone. I have woken up this morning feeling quite optimistist (much better than yesterday). His work colleague phoned last night, not realising he had left and was so shocked about it all. It kind of gave me some clarity as we talked about him. I'm not the sort of person to hate someone for their decisions, none of us can know what is going through another persons head. He is a philosophical and spiritual sort of person, just like me really, but he's not very grounded in reality. He wouldnt notice that the house was a mess, nor that his clothes needed ironing or washing. He kind of drifts from situation to situation in a happy haze. I have the children to ground me, and I think the reality of responsibility was all too much for him. I dont blame him for that, everyone is different. He is like a happy buddha or priest. One thing his work colleague did say (she is a lady of retirement age and sort of like a mother figure) was that he was stressing alot of money and feeling he couldnt provide for me and the kids. I think he shouldered it all badly.
before I met him he was a public speaker on philosophy and travelled around a bit. He stopped all that when we had to foster his nephew. I can see his side of it now. Thats a relief for me really, although it still hurts. I trusted him completely and felt that he was reliable and dependable, but actually its me that is that way. Its a cliche but you cant tame a free spirit, and i wouldnt want to. I have to let it all go, for my sanity and the kids.
So, I cant worry about him, or the loss I feel right now. I always used to think that statement 'if you love them let them go' to be madness, but I think now I can understand it a bit more. The children are my strength and i think for them and me we need to be back home, even if it does mean starting again.
xx
Glad that things look brighter this morning
Hi Demaris
Welcome to One Space, I am sorry you have found us under such stressful circumstances.
I can understand your frustration with your ex, you upheaved your family and your whole life for the sake of a youngster in his family, although I am sure you wouldn't have had it any other way.
A good point to note is that your children seem indifferent, so whatever you decide to do, they will be cool and be behind your decisions.
Have you spoken to the landlord about the situation? If your ex is going to pass over the tenancy, I would try and get this ball rolling as soon as possible. For more information on Housing and your rights email our Housing Expert.
Contact our Money Expert to see if it is possible to get the child tax credits changed rather than having to completely end one claim and restart another.
You do have a lot to deal with, are you a list writer? I find that if I get down all the things I need to deal with then it doesn't have to keep going round and round in my head - you also get the pleasure of crossing them off as they come along!
Although I imagine at the moment you are feeling a bit deserted, we are here to support you through this. One step at a time and hopefully this time next year everything will look different.
As for your emotions about your ex, these may come and go at times when you least expect them, you have other things that need your attention first, so maybe those emotions may come later.