This site is an archive of the OneSpace Forums. Return to forum index.
This site is an archive of the OneSpace Forums. Return to forum index.
Hi,
ive written a thread about this before, but i cannot remember what was said and havent got time to find it.
bascially, my child's dad see's him once a week, we've never been together - he left when i was pregnant.
He at times is ok, as in he plays well with our child, whereas most of the time hes very in his shell, whispering and appears unconfident, unauthoritative over our child and seems as if he cannot cope with the whole realm of being a father, sometimes he appears uninterested and bored. He never asks to do this that or whatever with our child, never offers to take him out, never brings anything 'nice 'up for him such as a chocolate bar, or his favourite food - this type of behaviour is lacking and he has no initiative. As has been picked up before, i very much have the responsability of parenting both our child and the father. (although i refuse to parent the father).
basically, i break down a lot of the time, as he simply (a) doesnt live upto being a father (i dont expect much, just the normal parental things really.)
(b) when he is good (more uncommon than common), i find this hard to deal with
(c) he may be good with our child at times, but this doesnt alter tha fact that he opts for no responsasbility at all in the slightest, no initiative or authority etc.
I know i have to accept him as he is, but this is hard and is amplified when i see my child with his father. I find it really difficu;lt and i was hoping that we could discuss a way of me dealing with this situation so that im not upset a lot of the time.
i do not want to stop visits, as my child isnt affected, its me. My child (at the moment) can take or leave his father, as currently there is no bond, as the father hasnt out in the effort, due to behaviours discussed above.
thank you.
wow - hi louise,
firstly, in response to leaving them together, iv'e witnessed on numerous accounts that my child's father is incapable of being authoritative and taking control and a lead, thus from that perspective i feel it is inappropriate to leave them together,. As i will emphasise again, i am not dealing with an adult unfortunately, i am dealing with another child and i'd never forgive myself, if i was to leave them alone for my own purposes (emotionaly state of mind) and then my son gets hurt or is distressed. I therefore dont feel leaving them toegther on their own in any circumstance is an option at the moment (although , if the father had a different character, this would be great). This very thing, of whether to leave them alone or not plays on mind a lot of the time, as i often say to my family, if the father was somebody else, bla bla bla would be happening or this would be happening, he's just not cut out for responsability for this moment in time for whatever reason.
Secondly - yes, youve hit the nail on the head, i feel angry and frustrated, that my childs father is incapable of being consistently involved with his life, in terms of showing intiative, asking questions about him, being playful and fun etc, this is literally turned on and off during the visit. Children need consistency and he only provides consistency in terms of him attending the visits, rather than emotional and playful consistency. He attends, but what he actually does is up and down - i simply dont know how to deal with it.
In terms of giving him praise, i feel as if ive tried so hard to 'keep the gates open' and be kind and almost like a friend (even though this is not what id want if our child wasnt involved) to him, that i feel worn out with trying. I had a discussion with him a number of weeks ago, about how he needs to change and show our child more attention etc and literally told him what the problem was .... he needs to be more involved, but since then, theres still no change, hes the same old person - 'jeckle and hide'. Thus, if i am to praise him, and i get nowehere im just going to get more frusterated. i.e. i simply cant be bothered with him anymore, and i feel that if he wants to parent our child with me, thats up to him, im not going to encourage him, i dont feel that thats my job, my job is to look after our child (alone) and thats hard enough work.
I may try the letter thinig (when i get time haha), but i feel i need more of a consistent ongoing method to control my anger and frustration, towards the father's character being inconsistent and handling the situation when he visits,
Also, one thing i didnt mention on the initial post, is that when he leaves, i feel inadequete as a parent (when he's had a good spell during the visit), as i feel ok, youve had fun with our son, but i feel like saying 'do you know that you do nothing for our child' , 'dp you know that you never ask about our child' etc ... infact i did tell him this a number of weeks ago during our discussion, i asked him why he behaved the way he did and he could only respond with ' i dont know'. Hes extremely confusing, yet he is able to have fun days (when he chooses) and leave. I feel as if ive let my son down.
I do apologise, but i have a mixture of emotions at the moment.
thank you.
Hi Pink Lilly
I'm not sure if this is relevant in this instance but my XH uses a tactic of pretending not to know anything about things (such as healthy eating, giving inhalers) when he is perfectly capable of learning about these things. He does this because he is underesponsible and it is his immature response to things he doesn't like. He is also very sullen when he feels forced to do something.
It's not the same situation because he does engage with them in a way your child's father doesn't but it did occur to me that maybe you could figure out whether he genuinely has social issues (so for example what are his friends and family like, what is he like in other situations) and if this is the case it might be worth talking to him about what you and your child need from him.
However, if you realise like I did that it is a defence mechanism he is using to avoid responsibility, possibly you always being there is allowing him to continue using that mechanism. So if you have seen him respond well in other situations (for example, meeting new people, at work, appropriately responding to a request for help from someone else) and if you can imagine him knowing what to do in a fire for example (I mean just as basic as get everyone out, call fire brigade etc.) maybe you would be able to take a chance on leaving them together.
I know a little of what you are going through as I have had many instances in the past of having to teach my XH. For example, for three visits he gave the wrong inhalers to my children (different issue each time). I brought the first two up with him verbally immediately but when the third episode happened I wrote him an email expressing my concerns. He wrote back saying he thought he understood what he was supposed to do and how could he possibly know he had misunderstood. I debated for a long time over what to say to him as I knew he was doing it on purpose. I felt like saying to him "go away and work it out then come back when you're ready to take responsibility" then witholding access until he could prove he is able to do it right. What I ended up doing was telling him exactly how he should have known he was doing the wrong thing and detailing every piece of evidence. He never replied but we have not had a problem since (or if we have I have not found out about it!)
Your child's father is probably completely different but I just wanted to share my experience. With me his under-responsibility was only matched by my over-responsibility. Once I started to make him sink or swim himself things improved.
Good luck in dealing with what is obviously a really difficult situation for you.
Gem
x
Hi pink lilly don't apologise, here is a place where you can talk about feelings and it is good to say how you feel and get it out in the open
Great post from Good Enough Mum, does it resonate with you?
I was interested to see that when your son's dad DOES step up to the mark then you are also left feeling bad, as if you are an inadequate parent. Of course you aren't: you are the one there day in and day out for him. But... can you see what I mean if I say he can't win? You are unhappy with him WHATEVER he does!Have a look at this article (click)
I am wondering if at the bottom of you, you would actually like the contact to stop and for you and your son to get on with your lives? I totally understand that feeling! It feels to me as if you have a lot of anger in you towards him, towards the situation and about the effect he has had on you when you think about your life and possible future relationships....and seeing him in your home with your child, whether he is being a good dad or a bad one, is just fuelling the fire of your anger.
Hi both, i dont have much time to write at the moment, but just a quick question, if i were to allow my son to be with his father alone, how do i approach the subject?
My argument is, if my sons father wanted this to happen, he'd ask and take that role hiself. Surely im making a situation develop, that really is the fathers responsability.
i hope you see where im coming from, what do you think?
what im saying in a nutshell is, i cant get blood out of a stone.
Yes pink lilly I see your point!
You could say "it is about time that you had X on his own, why don't you take him out to the park?" or you could say "I no longer feel comfortable with having you here, I am happy for you to see X but you need to take him somewhere, and pick him up from here or I will meet you and hand X over" If he is not amenable you need to point out to him that that is what usually happens and he has been very lucky to able to have parenting time at your house for all this time.
Hello pink lilly Yes we have talked about this before but what we haven't really looked at is how you can stop being so upset by it. I guess my gut reaction is to ask whether you could get him to take your son out for their time together. Now I do appreciate in view of the things that have happened you may feel uneasy with this......but then if you don't feel happy with them going elsewhere then you are stuck with witnessing it....how about you going out for a while and leaving them together?
If you have to witness the hot and cold attitude then let's look at some coping mechanisms. You very honestly admit that you find it hard to deal with when he IS good with your son. Is this because you think "Yes, you DO know how to do it, so why don't you do it all the time?"
I know we have said try not to parent your son's dad but one thing I would suggest is that on his good days, instead of feeling fed up you say to him very enthusiastically "WOW! that was great today, X really enjoyed it, he does love it when you xyz abc (whatever he has done)" Lay it on with a trowel. He may respond to praise very well
The next thing I can suggest is for you to write a letter to your son's dad saying all the very worst things you think about him. Do NOT send it to him but get it all down on paper Dear X I hate it that you do abc, I resent it that you leave me to deal with our son, you are........" etc And then you can choose whether to burn it, or tear it up.
Another thing you can do is to pretend you are a teacher filling in a report card. You can create categories such as "attitude" or "effort" and in your head give his dad a percentage score for each one. You can even have a bet with yourself as to what he might score on that day before he arrives. If you think this seems disrespectful, well unfortunately it is, although he need never know! But this has been going on for months now and has been really upsetting to you so this is a way of taking a bit of control BUT never, never mention to him that this is what you are thinking, it is a method to enable YOU TO COPE, not to be confrontational to him. Could you manage to boundary it like that and keep it to yourself?