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I have a 13 year old stepdaughter who is now living with me (2 years). She has never met her natural father and her mother is an abusive alchoholic, the reason she has come to live with me.
Over the last 13 years she has witnessed her mothers violence to me and other partners (of which there have been quite a few), her mother has also been violent to her.
The problems we are experiencing are: She is rude and aggressive towards me and my new wife, her brothers (to such an extent that our 2 year old is scared to go near her sometimes). She lies constantly, even when she knows she will be found out, she hides uneaten food in her room (so her room constantly smells), she binges on chocolate and sweets (we stopped giving her pocket money so she resorted to stealing from shops). We are pretty sure that she is making herself sick after the evening meal. We find used tampons and sanitary towels hidden around her room, aswell as dirty clothes. She also steals from us and her siblings.
We have read all the advice and don't argue or raise our voice to her, no matter how hard it is, we have explained the rules to her time and again and we are always there when she is upset. Nothing is working and it is making my wife and I sick with worry, to the extent that I feel the need to go to the doctor and get antidepressants
I went to the GP to get some advise and he said he would asses her for a CAMH's referral, I made an appointment and she proceeded to lie to the doctor about what was happening. The result was no CAMH's referral. Her school are getting her to see their onsite counsellor, who she doesn't get along with.
We are our wits end and don't know where to go from here.. I am a grown man and I am crying whilst I write this.
Hi Matt
My heart goes out to you, it really does.
Hi Matt. Welcome along. Wow I could have cried reading the distress in your post. I truely admire you for not giving up on your step-daughter. I'm sure it's causing a terrible strain between you and your wife too. You haven't given up on her, even though she isn't blood related and that is absolutely fantastic. Says an awful lot about the sort of person that you are 
It will be a slow process, but Louise has written a fantastic post, so do follow her guidelines, and you and your step-daughter, as well as the whole family of course, will eventually turn a corner.
Hi Matt, I agree Louise has given some excellent direction for you. I hope that you are able to take it all on board.
I would say that rather than raising your voice, this is something she might well be used to and it also means that you have lost control, how about lowering it? Quiet and calm, " I am disappointed because I expect you to........." "It is not OK for you to......."
She is crying out for boundaries, so do not be afraid of laying the foundations for the rest of her life.
She needs to know that you understand her, you both share a history of her mother, do you ever talk about her? About how sad you were about the relationship turning out as it did, but how lucky you are to have your step daughter in your life now. How you know how painful all these changes must have been, but now you want to help her create the best life she can for herself.
When my daughter was 13 years old she was messy, unhygienic and persistently scoffed chocolate. She is nearly 17 and I have to admit, not much has changed, except the hygiene part and that was only because she became more interested in boys.
By saying this it doesn't disregard her behaviour, but I just wanted to point out that some of this is normal teenage girl behaviour and what you need to focus on is her self worth. Belief in herself as a beautiful, lovable, fun to be around kind of person.
Have you been back in touch with her doctor?
Hi Matt,
I hope you've been back to read all this advice! I wish I could add to it, but of course, I'm not an expert.
You sound like you really really love your daughter! Stick through this, my thoughts are definitely with you! xxx
Hi Matt, I am in a very similar situation to you, I have a 16 year old daughter and live with my partner. My previous marriage was abusive and I feel this has reflected on my daughter's current behaviour. She has always had behavioural problems and i am of the opinion she is on the autistic spectrum. i have been fighting for help for 12 years and have been to see many people to no avail. CAHMS were of little use to me and I felt were a waste of time, my last conversation is August went along the lines of "Yes your daughter is most probably autistic, but what do you want us to do about it" She has seen their psychologist but my daughter knows how to behave towards people she wants to impress and consequently nothing is ever done. She has also been to Gweryas Kernow and Dreadsnought, both associations to help with her identity and keeping herself safe. I am at my wits end. She showers at least twice a day, leaves clothes and towels all over the place, changes her clothes many times a day, eats in her room and leaves dishes and food on the landing, shouts, swears, thumps etc. She has no concept of personal space, no idea how to conduct an interactive relationship, is attention seeking in all areas of her life, no respect for teachers or other adults who don't serve a purpose in her life. Everything is a battle unless she wants something ie: clothes, pc games, shoes and so on, she will t5hen be okay until she has what she wants and it then starts all over again.
I have tried everything to help her to conform to an acceptable level of behaviour and fear for her future. She is unable to maintain friendships for long without getting on their nerves, has a very poor attention span and is incapable of receiving love and affection, I have to wait until it is given. If there is anyone out there with any ideas, please answer, I am desperate.
Dear Cornish Maid, welcome to One Space, we have not spoken yet :)
It sounds like you are at the end of your tether and I am not surprised.
Click on National Autistic Society. This is a page about the key things you need to know about getting an autism diagnosis for a person aged under 18.
There is also a map where you can find services local to you. They also have a freefone helpline which is open Mon - Fri 10am - 4pm, the number is 0808 800 4104, however I have tried to call them for more information, but they are very busy and I couldn't get through.
There are a couple of tests that you can do online, to give you an idea about where someone fits in the Autism Spectrum.
Do you and your daughter ever have positive times together? I wonder if you would be able to ask her to do the test with you? If so, I am sure this would be really insightful for you, to see how she feels about stuff. But if not, you could probably fill it in for her, click on Autistic Spectrum and have a look.
You have spent 12 years trying to find some help and support with your daughter, don't give up, you are doing a great job.
Does your daughter still see her father?
Many thanks for answering Anna. I have tried may avenues to have my daughter diagnosed including GP's, CAHMS, school psychologist but because there have been other issues they were unwilling to make a definitive diagnosis. Her father left me when I was four months pregnant and she was forced by the Courts to see her father when she was young despite the fact that she was always unwilling and very distresses both before and for several days afterwards. To add to this, I found out when she was three that she was being interfered with by her father's flatmate. it was taken up by the Police but although the paediatrician was convinced it had happened there was no physical evidence. Needless to say i have r43fused him access since. There has been two court cases but because my daughter was so adamant in her refusal to see him, he eventually gave up.
Since then I made the mistake of falling for and marriaging a con man who appeared to be a charming man until the ring slipped on my finger. He was verbally abusive to both of us and physically also to me. She witnesses some of this.
Thankfully the Police have stopped him coming near me and now that I have finally met someone who is an absolute gem, understandably my daughter is letting the pain of the past flow freely and we both try and be as understanding as possible.
Now that i finally feel able so say "Yes she is on the autustic spectrum" no one wants to know. To me it has been blatently obvious since she was very young (I trained as a staff nurse in mental handicap many years ago). Poor socialisation skills, inability to show affection, repetative behaviour, fussy about the feel of clothes, no empathy etc. I could go on.
She is an intellegent child which in a way has been her downfall in the education system, she has no concept of the child/adult relationship and how to behave and her powers of articulation in an arguement cause her no end of trouble.
I am at my wits end, we have tried all the usual avenues to persuade her to conform and show some degree of respect to no avail. I worry for her future and her ability to lead an independant life. Nothing i have ever tried has worked and now with hormones thrown in every minute is a challenge.
I hope this gives you some insight to the problems we face. I do hold myself wholly responsible for her behaviour and wish i could turn the clock back and start again, but how do i make the future for her more bright?
Don't hold yourself responsible, no way are you. Your child has been through so much.
Can I ask, your daughter was 3 when all that happened with her Dad's flatmate. Do you think she has memories of it at that age? I ask this because my son was abused at the age of 4. Totally different circumstances, but wonder if she remembers anything. Sorry if this is painful for you to address, and of course you don't have too. xx
I found out when she was three, it had been happening for a long time, I found out recently he had even done the same to his twin daughters!
She didn't show any signs of remembering until she was in a school play ages 11 and he made a point of sitting as close to her as possible. it brought it back, how much i don't know but she has always had a dislike of interacting with men, but when she does get to know them being over friendly. Sadly we do sometimes see him and she hates it, she is very afraid of him and it still distresses her.
Hello Cornish Maid
You have had a tough time and please do not blame yourself.
I would have thought that even leaving to one side the question of your daughter being on the autistic spectrum, that she would need some specific support around the sexual abuse. Has this happened? Counselling would really help her with this.....and some of the issues you mention as being indicators of her condition such as the fudging of boundaries, are also symptoms shown by people who have experienced sexual abuse. Is there a counsellor attached to the school? If not you could ring your local Relate and ask if their young peoples' counsellors deal with this issue and if not, ask them to recommend someone local.
Have you been in touch with the Autistic Society as Anna suggested?
Hello Matt
My heart goes out to you in the awful situation. I can't "solve" your problems but I will give you a few suggestions.
Firstly you MUST go back to your doctor and insist on a CAHMS referral. Your stepdaughter is very vulnerable and no matter how many lies she tells you MUST give them to understand what is going on, even if this is in writing before the appointment and make it clear to the doctor that she lies. This is absolutely imperative. If your GP understands the full extent of this problem then he/she will definitely refer you.
Secondly I hear that you are doing your very best and staying calm and explaining the rules. This is the right strategy for 99% of teenagers. Your stepdaughter sounds as though she may be in the other 1%. More of that later.
Next, whilst my sympathies for you and your wife could not be more heartfelt, let us look at what is going on for your stepdaughter. I am sorry if what I am going to say sounds harsh, you have asked for our views and that is what I will give. Why is she doing this? She has spent her life being abused and watching abuse. Her own mum preferred alcohol to her. She is incredibly hurt and she is scared out of her wits that you, too, will abandon her. So does she try to make herself amenable so that you don't reject her? No: she makes herself as objectionable as possible so that either she will prove to herself over and over and over again that you will not abandon her OR you will get so worn down by the appalling situation that you put her into care and she can say "See! I KNEW that everyone would abandon me!"
This is a little girl who does not want to grow up, she hides evidence of her periods, she stuffs sweets like a small child, she throws up the good, nutritous food that she fears will make her grow up. Being grown up is very frightening for her, she might evnd up like her mum. Much better to stay a child, like your two year old that has been the baby of the family ever since she moved in.
Now, it is all very well for me to say that; I don't have to live with her day in and day out. But this is going to be a very long campaign.
These are my suggestions, as well as approaching the GP:
A couple of times a week, forage into her room, get all the dirty clothes and old food sanitary stuff removed and sorted, air it out, etc. You can do this when she is out for the time being. In time you can maybe redecorate the room, give it a makeover, let her choose how she wants it but first she will need to feel a bit of pride in herself.
I am guessing you are closer to her than your wife is? Whoever she gets on best with (or maybe take it in turns) starts to spend some special, individual quality time with her. Ok it will feel like spending time with an atom bomb at first. What does she like? The important thing is to be doing something she likes. Don't criticise her appearance or if she smells. Compliment her on ANYTHING you can possibly find, her eyes, something kind she did, a joke she made, her good taste in music. Tell her you love her.
Does she get on with ANY older girls? She needn't know them well, but girls she might possibly admire...that could show her how to do makeup and hair. Maybe she would like her hair done at a salon? If you can find an older female role model, maybe 16-17 that will be one of the most effective ways to get her to start taking care of herself and seeing that being a young woman is not so bad after all.
You will have needed to decide on lots of rules with all this terrible behaviour. Maybe there are too many just now? Decide on a couple that are paramount. This is up to you but I would suggest behaving kindly to siblings and not stealing would be a good start. Reinstate her pocket money "because as a young woman you need some money of your own and in return we need you to respect these two rules". Don't be too reasonable about these....there are only two of them and raising your voice and asserting your authority are Ok. Don't forget, reason hasn't worked.
It is a shame that she does not like the school counsellor (but to her this could also represent authority) Relate (click the link) are very good with young people and you could also have a look at Young Minds , which is an excellent website.
Sorry this is so long, and sorry i don't have a magic wand. The things I have suggested will take time. There is emotional support for you on here, of course