I am in a really bad way-my 2 yr old boy was given residency with his dad a year ago altho it still hasnt gone to court,i have had mental health n drinking issues n he went 2 ss 3 times bout me and i still hate him 4 it.it went 2 contact centre n eventually i was allowed overnight again earlier this year.my daughter also went to her dads nov 12 n my social worker left,now they av given her dad the say as to when she can come home-n he said no as expected coz he dont wanna pay maintenance,he sent me a very nasty fb mssg some weeks ago 2 say she never comin home,i called my boys dad (as we were friends again at this point)for support n he was unsupportivr n cudnt care less,a row erupted on fone n coz i had had 2 glasses of wine e snt threatening text to say i tellin ss u drinking again.It gets worse -i now cant c my son anymore altho e had a place at a family centre on a weds where i cud chim but that ends nxt wk.i lost it n sent nasty txt up until las friday when i changed my num.weds morn as i were gettin ready to c my son at the centre police came n arrested me,was in a cell 4 8 hours yesterday n they n previous for charged me with harrassment and i bailed until 15th aug.i got a warning letta last year n got previous 4 it from 5 years ago.there a chance i cud go inside,will lose my benefits,my home n have no support or anywhere to go should i lose my home,i also on JSa n the social mite stop my money anyway 4 gettin a record.i have neva been so scared n it killing me not seeing my boy.i sit indoors all day crying as i am so lonely,i have friends but i am too depressed to go out
Thankyou for your reply,i am going to have to apologise in court and yes it will stick in my throat!,we had a meeting with ss this coming monday but as conditions of bail r i musnt go near him ihave wrote them aletter to xplain i cant attend and also putting my points across,i didnt think it unreasonable to avacouple of glasses when no kids were present and i havnt had any since,what ss n policenot know is that i have hadplenty of threats from him that i stupidly never reported,last time i saw my boy he asked to go to mummys n it broke my heart,my boy must think i walked away,i have an old phone that has threats on that i will take to court because it not fair that i get punished n he dont,it the vindictiveness that hurts -he knew i had previous n would get arrested rather than just told off n he done it on the day i was due to see my boy for the only one hour a week i get,i will haveto plead guilty so he knows he has ruined my career as i wanted to go back to dentalnursingbut with a record i will never b able to,he has ruined my life goodn proper:(
Hi lorraine43, even though you haven't reported the threats from your ex, you can still write them down, in fact it is a really good idea to write everything down. Are you currently doing this?
Have you had a look at the Family Rights Group website as Louise suggested?
Hi I havn't looked at that website yet as builders been here 2day n not long gone but I certainly will thanku.yes have written alot down,I was quite civilly messaging him to start simply asking how my son wasbut he would not reply-then i just lost it,i have nasty notes he put thru my door a year ago but they r not dated so am taking those to court also,all of this has been done to humiliate me but I am going to stick upfor myself from now on-there so much I have never told ss but i feel the truth now needs to be told about him
Yes I agree, Lorraine43, you need to tell SS the full story
OMG as if I not going thru enough have just found out my x has stitched me up with Sky-the bill was in his name n I was waiting to hear from them as I knew he would cancel it,that I expected but he has gone to his bank and told them that he did not give permission for them to take my bill and has cost me £60.50,this by the way Sky got twice on July 1st as my x couldnt pay bill so I did it on m,y card but they took it from him anyway,so my x has managed to go back and I had to pay last months again,I am now in trouble with my bank coz I had to pay as I need internet every day and I am on my own all day every day-and he knows I cant rant as he had me done for harrassment-basically he is trying to ruin me-how can someone hate u so much,I am shockedp.s I bought him a fridge from my catalogue not long back so he stitched me up for that also
Hi lorraine43, it sounds as though this is another incident in a long line of many. Send a message to our Money and Debt expert, who can help with any troubles you are having with your bank.
Thankyou Anna havnt been on,had laptop trouble,very helpful site thanks,still it least of my worries with court nxt wk,feeling sicker by the day.My daughter in Cuba with her dad n verylonely,my friends r a joke not one has offered to come with me.Cant believe my xput a note in my son's bag when i had contact this weds saying he would pay a debt he owed me n that ss were arranging contact as it out of his hands-how dare he-he the reason coz he lied thru his teeth!.I keep praying he will drop charges but it doesnt look likely now,will never ever get past all he done
Hello again lorraine43 yes it does sound as if the case is going ahead now. Have you ASKED friends whether they will go with you to court? They might not know it is allowed or that you want them there...don't wait for them to offer, make the request.
Don't forget that if social services do get involved with contact then the best tactic is to play ball nicely with them to keep them sweet.
Have you got a solicitor for the court?
Hi i was only given 2 weeksnotice so not enough time to get legal aid,will c if there a solicitor when i get to court,i asked one friend n they ignored me,i am really dreading seeing my ex n the smugness he will be feeling ,he has really ruined my life-getting my boy taken,getting mea criminal record therefore ruining my career,i think he bitter because he can never work again ashe disabled,i just hope he doesnt bring his awful daughter with him to look after my son as she is behind him instigating all of this,as for ss they have had over 7 weeks and still not sorted ontact,i hate his worker becoz she has sided with him n believed him saying i drinking,i dont think i can go thru with it to be honest,i am a nervous wreck
You are finding it hard to think of going through with it, I understand that. However, what is the alternative? having the case heard in your absence?
Please ring the Family Rights Helpline for some advice 0808 801 0366 Do keep trying if it is engaged at first.
Hi I have to appear otherwise I will be arrested again,I suffer with hi anxiety as it is which my ex knows ,I am just soooo scared and angry that he could put me thru this,like a fool I keep waiting for police to tell me it not going ahead but it is,I will check that family rights website but I just cant afford the phone calls
You can send them an email as an alternative, lorraine43?
Hi have e mailed but know reply as yet,had my last contact with my son 2day at fun day at family centre,couldnt help but cry n ss say i shouldnt do in front of child but couldnt help,going to c a solicitor once court case over tomoro wish me luck
Hi lorraine43, it is understandable that you cried, however you can understand why it was suggested that you didn't do it in front of your child.
Good luck with Court tomorrow and the solicitor, I hope it goes well.
Hi Anna thankyou for your good luck wishes,well it's adjourned until 11th Sept,had a duty solicitor and she were great-the arresting officers and the solicitor couldn't believe he had me arrested,until next court date I have to see a probation officer to try and get some support which all looks good for me,I have a record now so something else to thank my x for.I am not even allowed to send my son presents-god I hate my x for this,am feeling very depressed now as not know when next contact will be and not have my parenting group-all I have to do next week is sign on,rest of time I rattle around alone,still, I am starting a course on 27th to guarantee me an interview with a new Tesco opening near me but I just hope my record doesn't get in the way,I am not going to let my x destroy the rest of my life like he has tried!!
Hi lorraine43, it sound as though you are going to have a lot of time on your hands, have you ever considered Volunteering? It would get you out of the house, it would give you a feel good factor and you would meet new people, pick up new skills and perhaps make new friends!
What do you think?
Hi Anna yes lots of time on my hands but at least i am free:),think I am going to try and get some agency work as my x has left me alot of debt,my builder has finished here so I can finally sort my home out,already packed my son's bits away as upsetting but I have to stay strong now as I want my son back full time with him having to sort out contact,my x has a weak heart and a crumbling spine and i worry for my childs welfare
Yes you are free :) Great to remind yourself of that. That would be good if you could get some agency work, are you registered with some already?
Hi Anna yes registered with a few,just gonna take the weekend to sort myself out as all this has made me feel very unwell today,I got so much experience so I hope I can find compassion from future employers as at end of day it a domestic matter n even solicitor said I not a criminal,ina sad sort of way it has done me a favour as I have finally been forced to cut all ties with my x,he bled me dry n nearly caused me to overdose,feel free in more ways than one,only prob I have now is had to sign legal aid papers for court so dont think I can get it to get contact with my boy,I not scared to represent myself but we are talking about ss here n they have the power,still it all keeping my mind busy which is a good thing
Hi lorraine43 you are doing really well and hopefully can get some agency work. Also the hearing being adjourned gives some time for you to get a reply from Family Lives. Have a look at this, which is from a dads site but explains the contact process.
Thanks Louise it's hard tho,I have to sign on every week and try to get interviews but I cant see how I meant to do it all ,I have to c probation officer b4 next court date,no employer is honestly going to touch me with a record and needing time off to c probation,going court over my son etc.etc.He really has messed my life up,still I have to go thru all this to c my son ,I still weepy over it all but more angry now than anything which makes me stronger,thanks for recommending that site,I know the contact process as I went thru it with my daughter,my x n ss will do everything in their power to stop me seeing my son but ultimately it will b the courts decision,my son misses me n he doesnt have a voice,he thinks I walking away thats what hurts
You'll always be his mum, lorraine43 and stay strong, the anger will help you in the weeks ahead.
After feeling strong I still getting knocked back-after e mail back from Family Rights they suggest solicitor but have rang at least 5 this morn n they wont do legal aid unless dv involved.I am not scared of representing my self but I cannot pay the court fees and ss will are involved so my x has the support of them and my harrassment charge in his favour-I dont have a leg to stand on,it is now 10 weeks n still no contact centre sorted out,one solicitor suggested I contact ss but I want it done in court as my x has had too much power for too long,I am in bits today,no one wants to help me,its no good going to cab etc as that doesnt solve my dilemma-I need a brief to take it on,what the hell do I do?
Hi lorraine43 I am sorry to hear that you have faced another setback. Have you been on the Family Rights Group forums to see how others have dealt with this sort of situation?
Hi Anna will try those forums thanx,I have found out 2day there is no hope of getting legal aid unless it dv or criminal,I am confused bcoz my x partner was given residency of my son 1 year ago BUT it still hasnt been to court,SS have stopped me seeing my boy but have no grounds ,my x wont b able 2 get legal aid either but can SS bring the residency themselves,surely it isnt legal that he has my son if it not been to a judge?,yes he gets the benefits but I have Parental Responsibility as his Mum.I wanted 2 bring the court action myself for this but it £200 to book court.It seems my x will always have the power as I cant afford legal help,so even if things r eventually amicable he can just keep on taking my boy away anytime we fall out,I am not prepared to live like that,it seems I might have to just walk away -there no way I going to a contact centre for 2 hours a fortnight
Hello lorraine43 yes the Legal Aid system has changed a great deal recently.
It hasn't been to court because SS have the power to decide residency if they judge (rightly or wrongly) that there is potential risk to a child. Your son's dad has obviously convinced them that there is. Do SS have meetings about your sons' welfare (where they invite different professionals to contribute) as you should be invited if so. If not, then have they "closed the case"?
It sounds like what you are saying is that you would rather not be in your son's life at all than have to face all this and to see him in a contact centre?
Hi Louise,yes there was a meeting on Aug 5th that I couldn't attend as my bail condition states I cannot be in contact with my x-they should have sent me a report but havn't bothered.I have written a letter to the senior social worker that originally made the decision-that was 1 yr ago!The case is far from closed it would have been if my x hadnt lost his temper and lied.When I last saw my son he was distressed at leaving his Dad and that was when I had a weds with him,how is it going to be when they finally sort contact centre and it only once a fortnight-it will be too much to see my son so upset,there is no way I can b civil 2 my x after all that's done and I am still on bail til Sept 11th so I cant contact him anyhow.I have put it 2 ss that they test me 4 drinking and that my daughter who is almost 16 can conduct a handover.I am not letting them make unfair decisions without proof
That sounds like a really constructive suggestion 
I know it will be horrible distressing for you and your son if you end up with such limited contact but you must stick with it...much more distressing for him in later years if you walk away.
Any idea when your bail will end?
Hi Lorraine,I have to go back to court Sept 11th,solicitor said I would prob get some sort of community thing?whatever that is,I told ss in my letter I want overnight as I am not an unfit mum,there is no danger as I not drink but they will say it because of the arguments between me n my x ,the previous arrangement was I could have my son at my x's discretion but I not having it anymore as everytime we have had a falling out he can take my son from me-I cant live my life that anymore,I have had to pussy foot around him and never say a word so he can treat me however he likes,I cannot take anymore,
Is it a community service order? if so, that is doing some voluntary work on a coomunity project, they give you a number of hours to do. Once the court case is done, hopefully you will be able to go to the next SS meeting.
Hi Louise,havn't been on as been so busy.I am half way thru a course for a new Tesco.com opening in my area,had been feeling much more positive until today,I had to see a probation officer 2day and it wasn't good!the court r considering all options so a custodial sentence could still b possible but they r recommending 150 hours! community service.It could have been a fine or curfew either of which I would have preferred but they r saying coz I have a daughter I would break it if an emergency,I lied about my daughter being at home and they r contacting SS but SS dont know that my daughter isn't back with me and the main issue here is my son ,they wanted my daughter's name n DOB n her dad's name so I am now worrying that they find out n sayI lied 2 keep out of prison,but my brief said I wouldn't get prison anyway!.
If I get community service I can kiss goodbye 2 a job at Tesco as even if they look past my record they wont give me a job if I have to have a day off every wk 2 do it.A little good news tho-my brief wrote 2 me 2day n said it could still b overturned I think so I have dug out an extremely vicious letter my x sent me prior 2 my harrassment warning I received last year.also a letter where he has previously refused mediation,surely it cant hurt my case?I really am a wreck,have made new friends n really been strong but I really am not coping,they kept bringin up drinking at probation as well askin if I have a problem becoz of my past and becoz my x said so!I think I am fighting a losing battle with everything,my X really has ruined my life
Hi lorraine43
It's good to hear that you have been feeling more postive. I think that community service orders can be arranged so that you do them around your working hours so as not to effect your job, you can check with your solicitor about what the guidelines are.
Yes I was also told it could be arranged around work but that's not the problem-a record is bad enough but having to tell a new employer oh I'll need this day or that day off etc they wont want 2 employ me and 150 hours service must b at least 18 mths-been too upset to even work it out,probation also want me 2 access a mental health organisation becoz of my history lol-I am fine now I am away frm my x!,I think it would b hard 4 anyone 2 keep control after what he has put me thru
Being in an abusive relationship works havoc on most peoples mental health, probation could have a point, when someone has left a abusive relationship you have the initail issues that you have to deal with then when the dust settles other things can come to light and cause us problems, getting some support now could help in the long run.
Well I recieved a 2 yr conditional discharge and £100 fine-£15 of which goes 2 the nasty x!,I text him yesterday for 1st time in weeks to say I would be mailing something for my son and guess what? he ignored it,I guess he his hoping that I keep txtin him so he can get me arrested again!no chance.
Well my letter to ss a month ago has been ignored so have now complained to council,there is nothing more I can do as cant afford brief so my x has won,have been very tearful since weekend thinking about my son,he must be out of nappies by now and he started a nursery this month,the anger burns inside me and the lonliness,I went 4 Tesco interview but no jobs left and I tryin to get a nail business going as I good at nails but no one has booked despite me setting up a fb page,nothing is going right for me and when my son is older I will tell him how he was taken from me unfairly,my boy NEVER leaves my mind and I am just not sleeping,also sick of everyone goin on bout xmas-didnt have my boy last xlas n he took him to his x wifes xmas day-I have never hated anyone so much in my life
That is good news lorraine43 about the conditional discharge as i know you were concerned about getting community service.
How are arrangements for contact coming along? it sounds like you have not seen your son recently.
Have you thought anymore about getting some support?
Hi I have not seen my son for about 6 weeks,cant get legal aid and have made complaint bout ss,I have refused contact centre as I have done nothing wrong and this is prob y they havnt been in touch.I sent his father a message to say I sending something for my son and he ignored it!,after all this time it will b too distressing for my son to leave his dad so my ex has won,I can never be civil to my ex after the arrest and I have asked for contact thru my daughter,I need it in front of a judge and i cannot afford it,my ex is taking full advantage of my arrest as if I text him about my son I may go to prison this time,he has me where he wants me,it's tearing me apart but there really nothing I can do,I have the support of a friend but it upsetting as she has a son of the same age as mine and it makes me think,I just dreading Xmas now
Hello there, I am sure that your son will still want to see you even after the six week gap. Going to a contact centre is not an admission you have done anything wrong, it is just a way to see him, I am sure that I would rather go to a centre than not see him at all! the contact through your daughter might be an extra but in the meantime at least you are keeping things going with your son. Don't give up, lorraine43, it feels to you as if everything is against you but you CAN do this.
The University of Law is operating a free advice line. To make initial contact please call 01483 216 528. You will be asked for some details about yourself and, if appropriate, get a telephone appointment which may take place between 5:30pm-7:30pm. The service is operated by qualified solicitors with law students assisting.There just might be something they can suggest, you need to explore every avenue for help.
Thankyou Louise but my ex cant be forced to bring him to a contact centre and as he has ignored my message it is obvious that he will not agree to it and even before my letter to SS they were not bothering to sort contact out,I dont want to cause my son distress and it's him I am thinking of.My daughter has asked if she can go to ex partner's to see her brother but I said it's a definate no no as he will get me arrested for harrassment again.I just dont know what to do and Louise I am so poor I cant even afford phone calls-today I have had a letter to say my gas will be cut off
Hi lorraine43, i know you said that you have a friend supporting you but i really think that you need an agency or organisation that supports families and that will be able to advise you on local services that can advise you on your situation, did you ever contact The Family Rights Group (click link for number) You could call your local Family Information Service (click) who will have contact details of organisations that maybe able to help with your current situation and help you to sort your gas bill.
Ah sorry I thought you meant that the contact centre had been arranged. Please do reach out for help as Sally has suggested
Hi well I sent my son a gift card(recorded delivery of course),needless to say it wasn't acknowledged!
Have delivered yet another letter to SS as ex's social worker is 10 min walk from me,have asked yet again for contact centre and for it to be pushed to court,not taking it lying down anymore-how dare my ex keep my son from me,it wont be long before my son forgets me and this is getting to me now!my poor daughter is desperate to see her brother as am I but I have told her that ex will get me arrested again if either one of us go to his home.I have said in my letter that they are standing in my way and helping supporting my ex in keeping my son away-this is the truth and I will take it to my MP if they continue to be obstructive,my ex smokes maruanja and his health is very poor and these are my grounds for opposing residency.I have also explained that I can call at least 5 witnesses to my ex's aggressive outbursts toward me and how it about time the truth was told.It is unfair that you cant get access to your own child because of the legal aid system as it is now.As Xmas looms all the anger is coming back that I didn't have my son last year Well done for taking this really constructive step, lorraine43!
Thank you Louise
Hello lorraine43 and welcome along. I am sorry to hear how low you feel and all the awful things that have happened. Sadly, the only one who can improve things here is YOU...and I do understand that is a tall order when you feel so defeated. Nevertheless, I guess you have two choices....do nothing and continue to feel like this, or take some action to improve things.
What action can I take? you may ask, when you feel everything is against you. Well ok you can't make everything Ok overnight but there are still things you can do.
What about if you saw this as the LOWEST point possible and from now on, the way forward is UP?
1. It's pretty unlikely you will get a prison sentence for harrassment. Have you spoken with a solicitor?
2. Social Services and the powers that be are the ones who hold all the cards. Therefore to fall out with them, to get angry with with, to be unco-operative with them, these things are all a bad idea. Don't blame you one bit for being so furious with them, I would be too but the fact is that you have to learn to play them better than they play you
3. You need to sort things out with your drinking. If every time you have a couple of drinks this gives him ammunition against you, then don't give him the satisfaction. You are also much more likely to be angry and to take unique action after a couple of drinks (as we all are) It's not easy to stop drinking when it is the only thing that seems to blot things out. Have a look at this website (click)
4. Contact The Family Rights Group (click) about your dealings with Social Services
5. Once the police case is resolved (NOT before) send a letter of apology to your children's dad and say that you want to turn over a new leaf and co-operate from now on. This might really stick in your throat!!!! but I know you will do anything for your children so keep them in the forefront of your mind
That's my suggestion for your initial action plan. it's tough, but the things you have been through are much tougher so I reckon you can do it!