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hey.. im new to this .. me and my ex has been split up for a while now.. and just found out hes been with sum1 else for a while now .. and duno if hes been takin our son to see her... ive told my ex wen we split up that if he starts cing sum1 else that it is fine .. but not to introduce her to our son until its serous and have been dating for at least 5 month ( he has a tendancy to not have long lasting relationships).. but im not sure how to go about the whole situation .. my ex never does what i ask of him .. like simple common sence stuff. I just dont want him to mess with our sons head .. and dont want to feel like im being replaced in a mum role. duno if anyone can give me any advice ?
Hello j123
You are welcome here!
In an ideal world a relationship would become established before the new person is introduced to the children.....and then should be done so as a "friend" rather than daddy's new girlfriend. See our article Introducing a new partner to your children.
However, it may be that you have little control over what their father does and in truth as long as the new partner is not violent or a substance abuser then it is difficult for you to have any remedy. As for the replacement mum, this will NOT happen. It is not a competition but they will always love you as their mum. In one sense it is great that the children will have another interested and supportive adult in their lives. That is not to say that this is easy......it isn't. Yet another challenge for single parents. Some other members will have experience of this and will be able to give you their personal views.
Hi j123
As Louise says, there is very little you can do to control what your ex does and who your ex introduces to your son, unless there is a serious issue for concern.
However, I totally understand your worries, they are a very natural parental instinct. We want our children to see and learn the best things that life can offer, not confusion or heartache. I think most of us have had those worries and maybe your son will see a string of female friends in and out of his fathers life. But as he gets older you can use this to your advantage as tools to teach your son about commitment, loyalty and respect.
However I notice that you say that you don't know if your ex is taking your son to see his girlfriend and on that note, I would say, why not ask him? Expect him to say Yes, so that it doesn't knock you for six and perhaps ask him a little bit about her, does she have children, does she like children?
I would also add that when my daughter started to see her dads new girlfriend (years ago now) she actually had a much better time! The girlfriend was an artist and they used to play together and paint pictures! However that relationship didn't last particularly long, but I do think it was a positive one.
"Do not fret over what we can't control or what we do not know"
Do you think you could have an honest conversation with your ex about this?
ive tried to have a convosation before with him .. and he ignores me changes the subject or just dont speak to me .. the thing im most concerd about is that my ex has a tendancy to go for younger partners .. around 17 , and if she was a sensible 17 year old i wudnt mind .. but its the fact. i dont get told anything about her .. not even her name or nothing. and he wont tell me anything .. so basically a stranger is guna or mite be looking after my son. and dat fact scares me more than anything.
Hi j123
At the moment you are not sure if he is taking your son over to his new girlfriends, so perhaps we need to cross that bridge when we come to it.
Unfortunately it is something we have all had to go through, it is worrying wondering who will be caring for our child and will they be doing a good enough job.
Are you still in contact with his parents at all? Could you talk to them? Has your ex ever given you reason to believe that your son is not in good care?
Hey,
That is a really difficult situation, your 5 month space seems a good one - I put something similar in place for my mum and her new partner - relationship lasted 1 year and I have to say unfortunately (that was my original time terms but I cut it down to 5 - 6 months as I was due with my dd and it was coming up to xmas and it was going to become a really awkward problem)
but... anyway.. the time span thing I did feel kind of in a way pushed them together - of course they were serious and going to last and it seemed to me that the pressure to stay together was there because I'd placed it, afterwards, after accepting him into our small family as steviepops, then almost within a month, their relationship started to show holes.
So I don't know, having put something similar in place myself, I don't think it is a good idea. Do talk about it with your ex, and discuss meeting their new gf all together maybe? She will no doubt feel just as awkward and I really doubt there is anyway she could replace you as mum role. Whether she has kids herself or not - if she does, she'll know how you're feeling totally, and if she doesn't she'll hopefully be good around your son in a naive way but I'll be very surprised if she enjoys wiping his snotty nose etc - not sure how old your son is?
Anyway, that's more than 2 centsworth and I'm sure a parenting specialist will be along shortly to add advice and support! ;)