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I have a 3yr old child. The father has not been on the scene for 2½ years. He is a druggie (class A & B), does not work and has never worked, is a thief, has a police record as long as your arm for drugs & drink offences. He claims he wants contact but I know it's only to get at me. There have been a few injunctions on him in the last couple of years. He is aggressive. I have attended numerous court hearings, he would never turn up. We both did alcohol & drug tests. I had nothing in my system. He, on the other hand, had cannabis in his system but still this has been accepted! He has not turned up at court on 4 occasions. The Judge gives him chance after chance, even when he has lied in his statements and been proven to have lied. He, nor any of his family, have ever sent a birthday or christmas card to my child. My child doesn't know who he is.
I am due to attend the contact centre in December with my child for contact with the "father". How do I explain this to my child? I am a bundle of nerves. My child is sensitive & caring. The father isn't. He already has a son, who is 8. This child doesn't see his mother as my ex took him away from her, she had no support and was too scared to stand up to him. He says he will do the same to me but I am lucky to have a wonderful family who are all fully supportive of me. With regard to the 8yr old, he doesn't even stay with my ex, but with my ex's mother. My ex and his family are quite rough and he said on a few occasions that he would "get them fighting to harden [my child] up". This 8yr old son swears and is aggressive. I am terrified of the influence the father is going to have on my child. I am terrified that my child is going to be scared at the contact centre. I don't know how to explain what is going on. I know that in many cases, seeing both parents is preferable and beneficial to children, but not in this case. I am worried that once the contact centre finishes, the father will then have unsupervised contact, what if he doesn't bring him back? I feel so helpless. I feel the system has failed me and my child as they have ignored his blatant disregard for the courts by failing to attend without any reason and breaking the law with his drug taking. He smoked in the presence of my child when it was a babe in arms, both cigarettes and cannabis. He doesn't care about the health issues.
Can anyone give me advice as to how to explain to my child why I am taking him to the centre? We spend our lives protecting our child from the "bad men" but now I am expected to introduce one into my child's life! My child will not leave my side to go off with a stranger. I just can't find the right words to say to my child to explain what is happening!
that sounds familiar... mine kept delaying his test over and over so he could get as much out of his system as he could. It was so obvious what he was doing. Even when it came back positive, it made no difference whatsoever, the contact was still ordered. How they can go from not allowing him any contact whatsoever to a total turnaround, even after his failed drugs test, I don't understand! I look at my child and my heart breaks.
hi hun yeah prob wot my ex is doin, i did my test within 4 weeks, cafcass saying im to av nothin to do with ex as my kids at risk then when i said i dont want him to av contact with my little girl my soliciter said il b critized in court for sayin tht, cant win, but its truth, i dont trust my ex at all, he liued to me in massive way, i only found out in court bout his violent past and he ad secret life, so does ur child see ur ex in centrex
hello Helpless
We have had a few members on here feeling as you do, there can be violence and other concerns and then the court still orders contact, but at least it is supervised....and then the supervised bit does not last very long!
I cannot predict your daughter's dad behaviour but I can tell you that attendance at a centre is a very good test of committment. It's all very well a child being dropped off at his door and then being cared for by his mother...quite a different thing for him to turn up somewhere on time and on the right day and be watched caring for a child by other people. So maybe the period of supervised contact will be a bridge too far for him.
Ok so when you go, can you stay there? You might have to if your little boy is distressed. You dont need to make a big thing of when you go, just that you are going to a "play centre". Seem surprised to see him, "oh look it is your dad, maybe dad would like to play with you for a while?" Your son will be far less anxious if you can stay calm and appear laid back.
Have you got a soliciitor? Whilst there is no way that he would obtain care of your child while you are providing a stable home, you need to make it clear that you believe there are risks to your son if he sees his dad unsupervised. Please also bear in mind that one of his dad's main motivations is to get to you, as you said. Don't let him know he has; be calm and dignified and try to make sure that any continuing contact is supervised...he may well get tired of it and give up
Thanks.
The problem is... my child does not know the father. Doesn't even know there is a "Dad". The man is a total stranger. He is only young so hasn't asked any questions as yet and there is obviously no mention of him in the household. I feel so sick just thinking about it all.
I do understand that you are feeling awful about it all. Well if your boy does not know he has a dad then introduce him by his first name to start with
Aw helpless, I sympathise with you so much on this one my ex is very similar to yours. The court seems to be acting unfairly.
I can tell you what happened when my child went to contact centre and see if it is of any help. I left my daughters dad when she was two, I took her to contact aged 6 and she hadnt see or heard from her dad in the four year gap. I was like you worried sick as my daughter had never metioned her dad and when I asked her if she remembered him her response was "yeah i remember him strangling you on the floor" as you can imagine this filled me with terror as I knew I had to tell her i was taking her to meet that violent man again.
I decided to be as up front as possible with my daughter before I took her. I told her that her dad has missed her and loved her and has told the court people who have said I am being unfair by keeping her all to myself so I have to let him see her. I was honest that I didnt want to share her but that I had to give her dad a chance to show her his love too. I explained that me and her dad had fallen out but that doesnt mean he doesnt love her and I warned her (because it was so very obvious) that her dad was quite different to mummy by the way he talks and dresses and behaves but assured her that it doesnt mean he doesnt love her and that she should give him a chance and see how it goes.
My daughter was ok initially at the idea of meeting him as I promised I would stay with her (which I did for all contact sessions as my ex is a violent thug who I couldt trust one bit). When she met him though she was immediately put off by him because he insisted she call him dad but she wanted to use his first name but he got angry. Over about 3 sessions she started to stay in the centre alone with him while I sat upstairs but I made it very clear to the centre staff whet he was and wasnt allowed to say to my daughter and they were very good at listening in to his conversation and intervening when he acted inappropriately, for example when he asked my daughter for her address which he isnt allowed to know the staff immediately interrupted and said "hey lets play in the sand that will be fun, we dont want to be asking questions when there so many fun things to do" meaning my daughter didnt quite notice the interventio and didt freak out.
My daughter did cry before the sessions for the first 3 months as she just didnt like going but i fed this back to my solicitor costantly. My ex dug his own grave in the end as he failed to attend contact twice in a row which meant I was then able to cacel contact and go to court. The courts have now agreed there is to be no more contact thankfully.
I think you will be ok if the staff at the centre are as good as the ones at mine. They will let you lay the boundaries of what your so can and cannot be exposed to and they will intervene when the boundaries have been crossed. Ad if your partner is as unreliable as he sounds he is likely to not show up and the courts take this very seriously as it is no longer them messing you about but messing your child about.
Good luck with it hun x
Littleangel, thank you so much. Reading about your experience really has helped. Related to it enormously.
Thank you everyone for your advice. I think I know the way forward now, thanks to you all. xx
Great post littleangel, Helpless, I am glad this has reassured you.
It is a very difficult time for you, do you have friends and family around supporting you with this?
Yes, thank you, Anna. I am lucky to be blessed with a wonderful, supportive family.
Hi Helpless, i am glad that you have such a supportive family, does your little one go to nursery yet?
yes, just recently started nursery. Is enjoying it (now!). :)
Hi helpless glad my post helped x am really glad you have a supportive family as it is a stressful time but you will get through it x
After all that, he didn't even bother to turn up.
hi typical, shame for ur child tho ope my ex dont turn up if he gets contact ,it wil go against him hunx
Hi Helpless, you did say that he was not reliable!! he has missed court on several occasions.
How are you feeling today? do you know what happens nexts? what did you say to your son, was he upset?
hi i really feel for u hun, im dreadin if my ex gets supervised in conatct centre, he as very violent past hes not allowed contact at the mo,but for how long, i ad to do hair strand test as my ex said i was coke head cum bk negative,i yet as to do drug test but he asnt, xhe never changem i dont want him to see my little girl she is 2x