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Hi, it's been a while since I have been on here but still have the same problems. I have 3 differant issues but all connected. Firstly I have a 15 year old son who has been diagnosed with aspergers. He hasn't been to school for over 2 years and has very serious social skills. He never wants to go out and happily sits on his computer. I left his dad 2 1/2 years ago after 16 years together. It was a very abusive relationship and it affected my son a great deal. Things were good some of the time but his insecurity caused a lot of problems. Anyway when I left he was distraught and he never really thought I would leave. Cutting a long story short, he met a girl through facebook who lives in America and has been to see her 3 or 4 times. He is planning a future with her but deep down I know all he wants is us to come back. He still lives in our family home and although the house is in his name a large percentage of the equity is mine and I cannot walk away from it. I am currently going through a solicitor to sort it out. Anyway a year ago I met a wonderful man. He is totally differant to my ex and the man of my dreams. However, although he comes around to see me most night my son never comes out of his bedroom and hasn't really met him. He hates the fact that he might be my 'boyfriend' and refuses to think of him like that. He has never stayed the night and I try to protect my son from thinking I have a boyfriend. But now I seem to have another problem. I find myself communicating with my ex. He has had counselling and does seem to be a lot calmer. He misses us so much and I feel so sorry for him. The trouble is I do feel that I miss him and my old life with him. Obviously there were many bad times, often the police would be called and my son hates him even now and refuses to talk to him and wont even call him dad. But I miss the comfort of knowing him so well and being able to totally be myself, not having to worry about what I looked like or just acting silly in front of him. But there were so many downsides besides his temper. He got us into a lot of debt and nobody liked him. He has no friends and everybody wondered why I was ever with him. Everyone loves my current partner and for the first time I am able to share a normal social life with someone. He loves me to bits and I love him but now I find I am doubting my feelings because of my ex. I feel that I need to get over the past to be able to move to the future. My future will be good with my new partner although I have the issues with my son. I just cant seem to ignore my ex. I feel that he needs me and I know he is very depressed. My new partner worries about my feelings and sometimes I think he can sense something isn't right, but I tell him how much I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him, and if it wasn't for the problem with my ex I would be totally confident about my feelings. I am so confused. I couldn't go back to my ex even if I wanted too because my son hates him so much. He is still on a 2 year probation for the violence and up to recently my son was under social services because of it. Am I mad? I am so confused. Please can I have some opinions. Thank you.
Hi Mary,
Thank you for your reply. I have read a lot of posts in the past that say similar things about their abusive ex partners so I have to accept that after 16 years it is natural. I know I will have a good life with my new partner and I am 52 now so I have to think about the future. I think I find it hard also that he is so nice, we dont argue he's never shouted and he puts me first all the time. It is the life I dreamt about and yet I sort of miss the 'drama' that I had with my ex. I often feel that counselling may help so I will look into that. My son is causing me a big worry. I have spent over 2 years at school meetings, with social workers and a child pychologist has been to see him at home. He was the one who diagnosed the aspergers. I also know that children with this do go to school and do then get a job but my son isn't interested in anything other than what interests him. He just wont listen and there is no way he would go anywhere for help they really would have to come to him. What I have found though is although I have been to a lot of meetings etc and got absolutely nowhere, as time has gone on and he is nearly 16, nobody really bothers now. I have one lady that I am relying on who helps young people with special needs when they leave school. My son wont go out and can't see the point! I will speak to Sparklinglime and see if she can give me any advice. Thanks once again.
Hi Cherylb, have you had a look at the Freedom Programme click here it is an online course for women that have been in an abusive relationship, i think from what you have written in your posts that you may find this helpful.
I am also surprised that services have stopped trying to support you and your son, you would think that knowing that he won't leave the house that they would get services engaged that can provide continual support and that can come to you.
Would going to your doctor and trying to get your son referred to Children's Mental Health Services (i am not saying your son's mentally ill) just that they may have some specific support or services that would help you and your son with his Aspergers.
What interests does your son have?
Hi Sally,
Thanks for your reply. I am aware of the Freedom programme so I will look at the online course. The problem with my son is that he sees nothing wrong and doesn't think he needs any help. He refuses to go anywhere and if someone comes to the house he doesn't always engage. If they talk to him about computers or motorbikes which is all he is interested in then he will talk otherwise he isn't interested. He has recently baracaded the bedroom when someone came to see him. He really seems impossible to get through too. He only plays games so isn't interested in any other aspect of computers unless it is what he likes. I think it is for this reason that everyone has given up on him. The problem is nothing ever happens very quickly and even when various options have been spoken about its weeks or months before anything happens. He would never go to the doctors and when the pychologist came to see him which apparantly he doesn't do as a rule, even he didn't know what to say. Without my son engaging he didn't know what to suggest. I am very worried about his future but do I carry on with my life and do my best to help him or do I put my private life on hold until he gets sorted out, if ever. I also worry about the financial side. My child benefit and child tax credits will stop and I will not beable to manage on my wages alone. I can't see my son getting a job so wondered if anyone knows if I can get any help.
Sally, you make some valid points. But as Cherylb's son is 16, he falls into the 'grey area' between been a child and being an adult, so it can be hard to get the right sort of support.
Cheryl - it may well be worth contacting Mind in your area, to see whether they know of any counselling services who have an outreach team - it's not unheard of.
I'm glad you're going to try and contact sparklinglime x
Yes you are right Mary. He is at a funny age and support now is very difficult. I will contact Mind, but he will not be willing to go anywhere and that seems to be a big problem. I would like to speak to sparklinglime so thank you
Hi cherylb, with regards to your feelings towards your ex, as said before this is very common and I have pondered this point for many years!
What I have come to realise is that when we are shown love by another person, we lose some of the fear and resentment that we used to live with. Therefore we move on a bit and relax. Whilst we are in a safe place and feeling loved, we then believe that our ex may be experiencing the same thing. However it is YOU that has changed, not your ex. Yes he has had some counselling and seems a lot calmer, but you are only seeing one side of his personality, what he wants to portray to you. I am not saying he can't or hasn't changed, because I do believe that people can, but what I am saying is that because you are in a better place, you are seeing him in a 'nicer' light. Do you see what I am saying?
You mention that you see your current boyfriend every night. I am wondering if you would consider have one night a week that is for your son. Even though he might not want to engage with you, perhaps letting him know that 'Wednesdays' are his night and either you are just there for him pottering around, or you actually watch him play his computer games in his room (if he will let you).
As although he is living with Asbergers, he has had a rocky time with his dad, he can see that you are now happier (albeit a bit confused at the moment) and he might be wondering where he fits in? What do you think?
Hi Anna,
Thank you for your comments. I have always known how much my ex loves me but his insecurities made him the way he was and any love that i had for him just went over the years. When he was ok which was normally when he knew that I was at home with him I was happy to plod along and I suppose if it had been like that more I would of just carried on. He told me he loved me every day but I had found over the last few years that I couldn't say it back to him. For the last year and a half after I left I was glad I left because he caused a lot of trouble, i.e. slashing my car tyres, putting his fist through my front door, shouting up at my flat, verbally abusing me, and he tried to hang himself in front of me and this was all because he wanted me back. My son witnessed a lot of this. But then it all changed. He has been over to the USA with a new girlfriend he met and has been making plans with her, but it is all false, I know he doesn't want her and has told me he still loves me. He would jump at the chance of me going back. I have no doubt however that his 'bad' side would still surface if a situation arose. I try to think of the bad things and there are plenty of them. I would much prefer it if he was still shouting at me, so that I could be reminded of the reasons why I left. The problem is he is so down that he isn't with me and I think I feel sorry for him, but as I said I also miss my home, and the comfort I had knowing him so well, you know like not worrying what I look like first thing in the morning, and totally being myself. Although I have been with my new partner for a year I am not at that stage. I find myself brushing my hair etc before he comes round. I know he wants us to have a future together but even then I feel that if we moved in together my ex would be really upset, let alone my son! I find myself thinking about my ex all the time and miss living in my old house.
Regarding my new partner and my son, this is another problem. Will there ever be a time when my son accepts him. He hates his dad and yet if he had to choose who for example would come round for Christmas dinner, it would be his dad. I am worried that my son will never accept him. Although he comes round nearly every night and my son stays in his room he normally goes by 8.30 as he gets up for work early I have quite a lot of time when it is just my son and myself.
Do I love my new partner the way I should do? I really want too and if I could leave the past behind I could move forward. If my ex moved to America with this new girl then I would move on but I doubt that will happen so how can I get through this or maybe I should think about going back. I would be really grateful for your thoughts. Thank you.
Hi Cherylb. I have copied and pasted one of your posts, so Sparklinglime is aware, and gets to read it. I hope this is okay with you.
Ok, my thoughts, you ought to do the Freedom Programme. Did you ever look into it? Your ex sounds like an abusive person. This is going to sound harsh, but I don't believe that he 'loves' you either...I can say this because I have been where you are.
Slashing tyres, shouting, verbally abusing you, trying to commit suicide?? This is not love, these are tactics to get you to go back to him. To have you under his control again. As you said, if you were at home, he was OK and you just plodded along. But that wasn't your life, that was what he wanted.
The Freedom Programme (click) is for survivors of domestic abuse. For ease and simplicity the author has created different personas so we can recognise abusive tactics, unfortunately all of the things you have said are very common. Especially the Persuader who makes out that he is trying to commit suicide to win you back. That is not the action of someone that loves you. Have a look at these tactics and let me know what you think.
Can you put your finger on what exactly it is about your current partner that your son doesn't like. Is it his personality? The way you are with him? The way he talks to your son? Jealousy?
Only you know how you feel about your partner - you don't HAVE to love him, you can like him a lot, you can fancy him, you might feel that you need him, but you can't force love. It sounds as though you are really confused at the moment
Hi Cherylb. I've just read your last post, and have to say that what your ex has done to you isn't love, it's his way of getting you back. Years ago, my then abusive fiance, slashed his wrists in front of me. For as long as I live, I will never forget that night. I thought that to do that, he must truely love me (because this is what he told me) Of course, I went back with him, frightened that he would try suicide again. I put up with verbal and physical abuse, always in the back of the mind that if he did kill himself, it would be my fault. It took years for me to realise that it would be his 'choice'. I did leave him, only to keep going back, hoping that he'd changed. He might well have done in recent years, and I was in contact with him, but now I have a son, I couldn't take the chance.
Hi
Work has been hectic and life falling behind a bit, so I’m really sorry for a rambled reply.
When was your son first diagnosed with Asperger’s?
I see that you have been working with the school for over 2 years. Perhaps now there is a diagnosis it might be worth having a meeting with Head and SENCO at the school to come up with a plan to get your son back to school. Perhaps he will need one to one help to keep him focused.
It will be hard work and it will take immense patience, but once he is in the frame of mind and routine that he ‘has’ to go to school, it will be easier. Once he’s there, the school will then need to make sure that he is taking part in lessons.
As for having your own life – it’s lovely that you have met someone who makes you happy and is understanding, but perhaps he needs to visit less. Even though your son is in the bedroom, he will know that he is there... If you are on your own, he still might be in the bedroom, but he knows that you are there, for him and with him. Sounds mad, but I can only go on how I think I have worked out how my son’s mind works things out.
How many hours do your work? Is he home at those times, or with his Dad?
Now you have a diagnosis, have you tried for Disabled Living Allowance? It’s a complicated form to fill in (you can do this on line via direct.gov site) and you do need to base it on your son’s worse day. That is not exaggerating, but trying to describe what you have to cope with. Everything changes next April, and personally I don’t think that there will be a benefit for those with Asperger’s. If he does qualify though, even for a short time, then it can open avenues to other help.
You say that your son can’t see that he has a problem and that he doesn’t need any help. He isn’t going to see that he has a problem. My son is the same. My son has very little, if any, interest in new people who may come into our lives. He has no interest in who calls and would far rather be left alone rather than engage in conversation. I’m sure if he could shift furniture he too would barricade himself in the bedroom!
My son is now 16, and will be 17 in January. He was referred for help when he was five, so there I’ve been very lucky. We did have home visits from the child psychologist.
It is only very recently my son has asked what autism and Asperger’s is. I have explained to him that his mind works differently to ours. I have tried to explain that this can cause problems with his school (now college) work and he must always say yes when help is offered, because I am telling him he needs it, and he knows that I want the best for him and am telling the truth.
Negotiating skills, however have to be mastered. I do not stop asking him to do things. He has to fill the dishwasher, for example. Ask a 100 times and he will do it. I have learnt to ask a 100 times as leaving him to do whatever isn’t doing him any good. And things need to be black and white – not ‘do you mind doing the dishwasher (as yes he does, and it sounds like he can ignore that request) but ‘please can you do the dishwasher now’. The please and thank you are very important. And if you use his name before speaking to him, it will attract his attention.
My son loves building airfix models, so I bribe him a lot. I shouldn’t but it works, so hey...
This lady who helps young people. Has she a plan to start getting your son out and about? Is there a motorbike museum near by? Or a car museum? Somehow you do need to find an interest that will get him out and about.
I have had an awful summer with my son as he kept changing direction with his plans after GCSEs. He did really well in them, but failed his maths. This meant he couldn’t get onto the engineering course he wanted to go on. He even had a prize from the school for being the highest achiever of his year – chucked it in the bin as he sees no point in it because he failed his maths. He achieve Bs and Cs in his exams doing really well. He then decided he wanted to go back to do A levels, but as his skills lie in Art, he also gained a place there.
The deputy head was wonderful, and explained that while he could return to do A levels, he would not be able to gain the grades needed to move on to higher education. (Most Universities look for As and perhaps a B nowadays), and that he would be better doing the BTEC art course, moving up and then possibly into higher education (yeah, right!).
I broke my son’s heart telling him what the deputy head had said. I didn’t tell him that he couldn’t go to sixth form, just he had more life chances at college. He now goes to college, and is finally settling. I had to take him in and pick him up every day to start off with, even though is sister goes to the same college, but a different site. Then he started to go on the bus, and now he will also come home on the bus.
However, had he decided to go to sixth form (I said he could change his mind up to half term) I would have taken him to school to sort it.
I do all I can to keep my word to him. He cannot cope with being let down very well. I like to think it’s a rare event that I let them down.
You mention how your son would choose his Dad over your boyfriend if given the choice for Christmas dinner. He will choose his Dad because he’s his Dad. This lot – all of them, not just my 16 year old – would choose their Dad.
I can’t think of how to write this without it sounding horrid, so I’m really sorry for that.
I feel you are expecting too much from your son. He isn’t able to reason through things, even though you’d like him to. It’s sad, I know it’s sad. As he doesn’t see that anything is a problem, he isn’t going to see the reason to change. Somehow, trying to put an argument why he should be doing something but then making it so he reaches the “right” conclusion is something that can take practice.
The same with your boyfriend. He’s going to need to buy some motorbike films, get a bottle of coke and a bar of chocolate and make an evening of it while you give yourself a manicure in the kitchen. They may never be the best of buddies, but perhaps every now and then they can have an evening doing something together. My son doesn’t laugh that much – well not at things that we might find funny anyway, so evenings are usually quite serious!
As for your ex... Best I don’t comment there I’m afraid... Do get the house sorted out though. That would break one tie. I lost the laughingly called family home to pay off my ex’s debts (I was married for 20 years), and I haven’t missed it for a second. Cried buckets at the time mind! You need to get some distance there so he can move out of your head and your life. He sounds quite horrid and mean, I’m afraid... Sorry, I did say I wouldn’t comment.
Don’t give up on your son. See if this lady can help come up with a plan. It’s hard work. It takes so much energy, but I’m lucky as it’s something that’s a part of life for me and my lot. In a way, it’s something that perhaps might work, even though it will take energy.
Perhaps things can be as they are with your partner for a while, until your son gets on track. And perhaps not coming around every night, just to see if that helps... Once he’s in a routine he will be ok. I can almost relax now my son is in the routine of college. It is a rigid routine. I took his sister to college yesterday, but he now insists on going on the bus... Things like this I accept.
How involved is his Dad with him? I’m guessing not at all if he’s not too keen on him?
Sorry for rambling once again.
Hi Anna, maybe you are right that my ex doesn't love me but I feel that he did and always has. Yes he was abusive and aggressive but I know that he has always been like that long before we met. He has mental health problems that have always needed to be addressed but never have. It is only now, since I left and he had a breakdown (he was held in a mental health unit) that he has got help. He is on medication and counsilling but I know he would still be quite capable of 'losing it' if the situation arose. You are right about me being confused. Its just that I miss my house and I miss just being able to be myself, you know, not worry about what I look like first thing in the morning etc! So many bad things happened and my son saw so much of it which is why he hates him so much now. So why do I seem to just think about the good things. I really would rather he was being horrible now, it would be so much easier to hate him.
You asked what it is about my current partner that my son doesn't like and the answer is nothing because he hasn't met him. He has always refused to meet him and never comes out of his room when he is here. He just stays on his computer. But this is a year now. What sort of future do we have when my son doesn't want to know. My partner tries to be nice by bringing him McDonalds etc but it doesn't work. My son hates his dad but if he had to choose between having christmas dinner with my partner or his dad, it would be his dad. I put this down to the aspergers as he has a very serious social phobia.
So you are right, I am very confused over every aspect of my life. I am 52 and cant afford to make the wrong decision. I tell my partner I love him and then I wonder if I really do. I didn't love my ex when I was living with him so how can I now? I feel guilty that I have all these feelings and my partner who is the nicest person ever doesn't know. Do I just miss the 'drama' in my old life? I just don't know how I feel anymore. I am definately going to do the Freedom programme.
Hi Hazeleyes,
Thank you for your post. Your situation was very much like mine. I haven't gone back to him since I left but that is probably because my son who is 15 hates him so much and has been so affected by his actions. My son has some serious problems, a lot caused by his dad but for the first time he is happy, although he lives in his own little world. But saying that I think the problem with me is that I feel so sorry for him. He has threatened to slit his wrists in front of me and soon after we split I went to the house and found him hanging from the stairs. It was a terrible time and I felt so guilty for making him feel that bad. He behaved a lot worse after I left which resulted in police and social workers being called. He is on a 2 year probation at the moment. But what he didn't realize is that if when I left he changed and I never saw any aggression I would probably of ended up going back to him. I know you are right in everything you say but I am finding it so hard to see that and move forward, because I question whether I actually do want to move forward.
Sparkling lime, HIGH FIVE, what an insightful, balanced and informative post, thank you, hope you find it really useful Cherylb.
It sounds to me as if you need to have a bit of "you" time and not see your new chap every night, lovely though he is. The demands of being a mum to your son, and being a partner to your new chap, mixed with the confused emotional place you are in re your ex, it has all been a lot for you to deal with. But I do agree that the way your ex is behaving and has behaved (even with the consideration of the mental health issues) is not loving. And if that is his idea of being loving then Cherylb: you can do without it. You deserve far, far more.
Hi Sparklinglime,
Thank you for your reply. It is so helpful to speak to someone that has had similar problems but I see you as being so lucky because I can't imagine my son ever being in the situation that your son is now. Firstly my son has only recently been diagnozed with aspergers, maybe 4 months ago. He has always had a problem with school but at the age of around 12 he really started playing up and didn't want to go until he refused to go altogether at the age of 13. It is Upper school in our area so they start there at 13. He only went for 1 week. I have had numerous meetings, and have even made an agreement of 1 hour a week in a seperate section of the school. He went the once and wouldn't go again. There is never a chance now that he will go back and don't forget he is due to leave anyway in a few months. We have an organisation called X-ers in our area. It is a small group of boys maximum 8. It is for boys who for various reasons don't fit in with normal school. They have the opportunity to do exams and the best part is, it is all connected with motor bikes. They learn how to repair them and when they do well they go to a track and ride them. I thought my son would love this, but no. He went for a look round and when they agreed to take him he refused and there was no way he would go. So as you can see any type of schooling if out of the question. He likes motorbikes but just wants to go out on his own and ride one, he is not interested in any other aspect of them.
I work from 8.00 until around 2.30. My son stays up all night and gets up around the time I get in. So he is not alone for very long although obviously I am asleep while he is awake and when he is alsleep I am at work. So we are both here and awake for around 9 hours a day. I hate this situation but it has become a habit, but it does mean he spends less time alone.
My son does not have any communication with his dad at all. He hates him and calls him Paul. He doesn't want to talk to him or see him and he never mentions him at all. I do ask him if he will talk to his dad and tell him how sorry he is and he misses him but he doesn't care. There is no chance of my new partner, having a 'boys' night with him. He has offered to do things with him and take him out but he doesn't want to know. He comes round most nights because it is difficult for me to go to where he lives but it is only for 2 or 3 hours. But my son has only ever seen him once. My son only leaves the house when he really wants to which is never. The last time he went out was a few months ago.
If I ask my son about school, or anything to do with the future he gets annoyed and walks back in his bedroom and shuts the door. He really has no interest in anything except playing games on his computer. If he didn't have the computer he would just lay in bed, it wouldn't make him want to go to school and I would then worry that he would get depressed.
I really don't know where to go from here. I see no light at the end of the tunnel.
Thank you Louise for your comment. You are right about my ex I know you are. He just seems to have this hold over me and I don't know why. I do have friends that I am in regular contact with but during the few months I spent on my own just with my son I felt alone and down and although I tried not to let my son see I know he sensed I wasn't happy. My son constantly asks if I am happy and makes me promise that I am. I wonder why he says that!
Hello again
When we have loved someone, it is soooooo hard to move on, even when our logical head tells us to do so. Also when a partner or expartner says "I love you" we take that to mean "love" as WE know it...whereas sometimes their definition of love is quite different. "Love" is just a word, after all. A person who loves us will be totally reliable and trustworthy, will always want the best for us, never want us to be hurt or frightened, they will boost our confidence, comfort us when we are low and help us to grow as a person and be the best that we can be.
Are you feeling reluctant to look at The Freedom Programme as we suggested?
Hello Cherylb,
I don't think you're 'mad' at all. You still have some residual feelings for a man you spent 16 years of your life with - 16 years! No matter how our rational side analyses and tries to make sense of things, our emotional side has just as much sway when it comes to decision making. it sounds to me as if these two elements of you are having a real tussle at present.
Your new man sounds lovely - very caring and perceptive. I can see how your son's view of any man would cause problems; I should imagine any close relationship you try to establish might feel like a threat to his status quo. And of course , explaining things to him is made so much more difficult due to his asperger's. What kind of support do you have in place for your son?
I'm also wondering if you've 'spoken' to sparklinglime, another One Space member whose son has additional needs? Just thinking that communicating with someone who has similar life experiences maay prove useful.
Its ok not to know what you want. Whilst you're trying to figure it out, I wonder whther some short term counselling might help? I'm aware that affordable counselling is very much a postcode lottery , but there may well be a voluntary organisation in your area who would be happy to see you for a small contribution, rather than a steep fee.
Despite - and perhaps even because of - your son's ausperger's, I wonder if you might consider trying to find a counsellor who would spend some time with him, talking through his feelings? I appreciate this would take a particular type of person, but that's not to say they're not out there.
Take care and keep in touch.
Mary