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Hi, I'm new but am looking forward to learning and meeting you :D I'm a single mother of two.My daughters Father was an addict (I found out far in to our relationship) and despite my best efforts,after years of abuse-stealing from me etc,he kept going back to drugs.I eventually managed to "keep him away" and since then have been happily single,yet struggling to support my children and work full time etc.
He has never paid anything for her upkeep,got her presents etc but has now got a new partner.He now lives in her house,drives her car etc and now contacts my daughter direct to arrange sleepovers etc.No one has ever talked to me about this,but I thought she needed to forge some sort of contact and that his partner would "watch out " for her.However she returns back home late and is full of how nice it is at their house etc etc etc.I know this is very wrong of me, but I'm upset as he lost me a career and thousands of pounds.I'm still paying of his debts now.He still pays no maintainance etc, but they go on holliday, have nice food in the fridge etc whereas at our house,I'm saving up for a fridge as ours broke and I cant afford to buy a new one yet !! I feel so unfairly treated still obviously and I'm concerned that I'm mixing my outstanding issues with any relationship she has with her Father.I saw a Solicitor and they said I'd to suck it up basically.beacuse of his violent history,as lond as I kept quiet,ther was no "drama" so for my daughters benefit,I should just try and manage it as best I could.She is 14 so soon can make her own mind up etc,but I'm feeling very negative about it all and now feel guilty too !!! what do you think ? how do I handle this ?
Hi Dawn 764. Welcome along to One Space. Understandably you are upset. It doesn't seem fair does it, that you've struggled to bring up your children, paying off ex's debt, he doesn't pay maintanance, and yet your 14 year old is now seeing him, and is full of her visits with him. Your relationship with ex and her relationship with her Dad are two completely different issues. I too would be extremely angry, but it is her decision to see him, however much this might hurt you. Please keep posting as others will be along at some during the day and evening.
Are your children back at school this week or next?
Hi Louise ! thank you so much for your comments and your suggestions.I'll have a look at the article this evening.I do feel like the CSA is an important road to travel,it's more about the principal-but yes,20 pcm would help for sure.I think the solicitors advice was a bit lazy really and I think that I need to ensure he takes some stable responsibilty for our daughter.If he does cause trouble because of the CSA then I'm sure I can deal with it.Parenting is the hard,boring stuff as well as fun day trips isn't it ? anyhows thanks for listening.Really helps to be able to share some of these feelings for once ;D x
Hi Hazeleyes,
thanks to you for your comments and warm welcome,it meens a lot to a "keep quiet and carry on" person like me to meet such kindness and understanding.Your absolutly right-we are looking at 2 different things/relationships here and I have always done my very very best to keep my emotions under check.I think it's destructive to pass on my issues and negativity to her (or anyone) but just lately,I can feel this horrible dark part of me silently going "not fair !" and also sadly,having the feeling that his sudden interest will once again fall.The last time this happened it broke my heart at how upset she was when he failed to pick her up for a visit etc.It took everything for me not to cry with her and say negative things about him.I guess I'll just have to continue doing my best to be positive and talk the negative dark side out on here !!!! I think that I've a history of holding frustration/anger etc inside and I know it's not healthy.Having a safe place to rant will help lots ! already has.
Both kids are at school this week yes,but she's just told me her Dad has asked her to go to his Thur/Friday.So I'm thinking I should plan something for me to do thats positive and fun (plus free...) and stay at being positive.Many thanks again x
You're doing great, dawn764 
Hi from me too Dawn 764 xxx
Aw thanks Ladies :D big hugs xx
Hi Dawn 764. I'm glad you've found us, now you can come on here and vent your issues to us. I think it is more destructive keeping all our anger in, and at least here, no one judges, and theres also loads of support. Your daughter maybe let down again by her Dad, and I guess all you can do, if that happens, is be there for her. I really hope though that she doesn't experience it again. How old is your other child?
My son wants to watch the Royal Wedding, only the church bit, so from 11am I shall watch it with him. I also summoned up the courage to ask some neighbours if they were interested in a street party. NO. Anyhow, theres only a few that agreed, so me and my big mouth then suggested having it in my garden. I must be completely bonkers. I don't really know them that well, but I guess it gives us a chance to get to know each other. We'll all cater for ourselves, so won't be expensive. Is this something you could do? Do you know the neighbours well?
Hi Dawn 764
Welcome from me!
Aaarrrgghhh, I feel your frustration! Well done for keeping it in check!
At 14 your daughter would have a say in court whether she wanted access to her father, however it needs to be known that you are the parent with care, therefore you need to be in control of what is going on and if at any time you feel that you are being shut out, you must go back to the solicitors.
If your daughter is talking to you about her father, that's great. Try and keep as much communciation open and honest as possible.
They say that a leopard never changes his spots, I hope for your daughters sake that this isn't true.
My ex didn't change, he managed to keep my daughter hanging on in there (on a thread) for years, he would give her just enough, however last year he got her mobile number ....then he completely screwed up.
It was horrible to see her so hurt but it did mean that I got the chance to get honest with her, she is 16 now so I was able to explain certain things and she is not stupid and felt able to share her uncertainities that she had felt all her life. So if anything it brought us closer together.
If you are really not happy about the time she is coming home, then that needs to be addressed, see if you can find a compromise with your daughter. I'm sure that if she realised that if she came home after 10pm (for example) on a school night it meant that for the rest of the week she would have to go to bed earlier.
All we can do is stand by and be their rock. Big pat on the back for you for planning to do something nice for yourself while your daughter is out, have a look at Your Local and see if there is something free going on in your area, or have a look at the bottom of our article Making new friends, where there are links to all sorts of groups and local stuff.
Have you got any plans yet?
Hello Dawn 764
Welcome and I look forward to getting to know you!
Fistly it is fantastic that your daughter has managed to maintain a relationship with her dad, despite everything. I would say that she is of an age to make up her own mind whether to see him and on what basis. How furious you must feel, though, that he left you with so much to deal with and now seems to be living the life of Riley! and then to top the lot, your daughter comes home saying what a lovely house he has! and seems to enjoy it there
......and it is hurtful too.
Ok I am going to suggest three things. Firstly you need to apply for some child support, if he will not give you any directly then you will need to go through the CSA. See here for your options. Even if he is on benefit himself then he will still need to give you £5 a week...and that £20 a month could be really helpful.
Secondly, have a look on Freecycle for a fridge or your local Neighbours United
Thirdly, have a read of our article Allowing your child to love the other parent. It explores the emotions you are experiencing and hopefully will help you to come to terms with this horrid situation.
Hope this helps and do keep posting