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Hiya guys.
I was just wondering.
Its been 10 years for absolute heartache since i was 15 years old and yes some might say I was a victom some say i was a survivor I made it through the storm to the other side. I was in a relationship with and abuser and then another abuser.
Both their behaviour pattern suggest sociopath where as the other was also physically violent.
Without going through much details as it would take pages.
The thing that worries me is this.
How do I have a heathy "normal" relationship after what i went through?
One I dont trust men.
Two I am very very wary, it can be of putting to someone that does not know my history and can come across as paranoid.
Three I am not comfortable in the company of others. I like my own space, its my peacefull sanctuary i dont want disturbing.
Three i feel like no-one want me.
Four i cant blame em cuz i dont really want em either, but I would like to have a healthy relationship just don't know where to start and where i went wrong for me to have been abused like this.
I dont have patience and have a terrible temper when i feel like someone is trying to cross me because of my path and i go in I will show that fool mode and then I completely abuse them myself.
Its hard to explain but if i sense any hint of odd behavior or something i deem as mirroring the abuse i suffered behaviour like talking to me in demeaning manor and it could have been just a joke then i completely loose the plot.
and go in a how dare he mode, and i scared a few ppl of like that sorry lol
I want to have a normal relationship but dont know how.
Thank you louise, that was amazing advice.
I have been to cognative behaviour therapy but I still feel like relationships are a step to difficult for me atm.
I have learned to be open to others and receptive of them in my life.
But there is a limit i feel comfortable to and it ends with the opposite sex.
I feel like he has to prove his undying love to me first before he merits any kind of respect which in reality is a warped view. I do realize that You have to be able to let the person get to know you first however that also is difficult cuz i cant let them in like that. So then i am stuck like the last fellah that liked me. I just gave him evil looks like wth do you want, and he tries to get close to me i flinch, HOW DARE HE!
and he wants to get to know me but i never let him. I just dont know how to my guard is very very very high up.
I perhaps dont trust my own judgement i feel like i need answers on why i let this abuse happen to me in the first place.
Maybe then i wouldn't be so harsh. and easier to get along with in a relationship context.
I dont know how to.
It was easier when i was younger now i am just on edge and second guesing and quite easily offended!
Who knows man, i just feel real damaged.
Yes I do understand, more than you know.
Can I suggest, though, that even though you acknowledge to yourself that you have indeed suffered damage as a result of the abuse, that instead of saying "I am damaged" (which sort of writes you off) you could reframe it as "I have had some bad experiences BUT I want to learn to trust aagin"?
This technique is called "the But reversal" and you can do it with any negative statement of belief, add a "but" and then a positive statement, eg
"I have been hurt BUT I do believe love is possible"
"I feel suspicious of men BUT I beleive there will be one who wins my trust"
Yes one day I shall break these chains and i'll get out this way of thinking. as you said louise the first step is recognizing there is a problem and you're then already half way there.
I am going to stay positive.
I have also learned that i have picked up on some of the abusive neglectfull behaviours of my ex partners and then try them out on unsuspecting blokes.
Like nothing to evil just the ignoring tactic, whereby i would ask and put forward my concerns or question and he would totally ignore me and stick to answering a question that never occured dragging on his own path. its hard to explain so i will give an example.
Her: Hi babe how are you how comes you never phoned me.
Him: Hi i know you love me and we are going places we are and I need you to come and set this thing up because i havent got much time.
her: Babe i asked you something how comes you never phoned me.
Him: Our undying love will explode boats now be here by 12 love you babe.
lol now that was a real random conversation its shows the disconnect. Then in itself may not be abuse but when that whole conversation is about you doing something so he can have his wicked way with a neighbour and if you do not comply how unreasonable and a bad person you are and looking back you see all the conversation you had with him as him gloating now you know the full story. and if you asked him he would either lie or act like you never asked. then you can see how this behaviour is used by abusers.
So i met this bloke and i tried it out on.
I am a muslim so we great each other with Assalaamu alaykum Warahmattulaahi Wabarakaatuhu (Peace be unto you) to which i should respond (peace also unto you) Wa alaykum As Salam Wa rahmatulaah,
Which I did not even do shock horror lol I was to focussed on trying what my ex did to me and how he got away with it then he asked me a few questions to get to know me, and i ignore him and just ask what i wanted to ask and what I wanted him to do and then kicked up a stink on why he is not compling with my every demand and how unreasonable that makes him look.
And when he wouldnt comply, i told him he bored me and i lost interest because of his behaviour.
Needless to say at the end of that experiment, I am a fool he dealt with it quite well and stuck of for him self when saying.
"No worries. I lost it my self already in the beginning. When I saw that you weren't saying the salaam back. Which is obligatory to a Muslim. Nevertheless I wish you khayr in this blessed days.
Fii amaanillaah."
Khayr (means goodness)
Fii Amaanillaah( Means may gods protection be with you always)
And he left.
You see now thats what I should have done instead of being abused for years on end.
This is how normal people react when they receive bad treatment not me though sitting there trying to satify its every need so then he will be better to me in return get emotional blackmailed daily!
Hmm flawed and warped!!!!
I am on a journey louise. lol
Yes but it is a journey moving forward now, Shocked Mum 
Hi louise you are right, I thought i'd let you know I have spoken to my g.p. about my feelings and wanting a normal life.
and has refered me to the mental healths team, sounds pretty bad but its quite friendly lol.
I have an appointment today with the a dr whom specialises in mental and life after trauma, they are like part of the healthy minds healthy lives team.
its like an hour long session to discuss my current difficulties and explose how we can resolve these.
Wish me luck!
Its going to be really traumatic talking about it but we all have to face our demons and deal with them xxx
I look forward to hearing about it, you taking the step to talking to someone, is the biggest step to the future.
I hope it went well.
Well done, Shocked Mum
Thanks anna, it went rather well it the beginning to a new better life! hopefully, Thank you louise xx
Hi Shocked mum, it can take time and patience to learn how to have a normal relationship after abuse. One really positive sign is that you recognise your own patterns of behaviour in these things and you say you carry with you some anger, some suspicion about people, a security in your own company and you mention that you would tend to respond to men in an "unreasonable" way (as a defence)
Learning to trust again is possibly at the root of all this and this is something that will only come with time. It would be good if you could find an outlet where you could mix with a variety of people on a casual basis, where there is no question of looking for a relationship but you just get to know men (and women) as friends and see that the vast majority of people are decent and trustworthy. I reckon that's the first step. Something like the local Lions Club/Rotary Club would be the thing, or a church if that's your thing, or any sort of voluntary work where you mix with a lot of people.
Read this article for more discussion about trust.
As time goes on you may find counselling beneficial but no need to rush into this when there is much to do to help yourself along the way first.