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Its only been 12 weeks but in my heart I know I would like to make communication with my ex work - however - when we first split after the initial anger we did communicate on some level - I think deep down I thought he was suffering too and a part of me felt sorry for him etc. Then as I found out certain things the anger and resentment built up and I felt as though I just couldn't deal with him. As time has moved on I feel he has been less than honest with me etc and we now do not communicate at all - I find that if I do text or email I get sucked into his life and find out things I would really rather not know. I also realise that we do have to communicate because of the kids. So my problem is this - how do we communicate because I know if I start trying to communicate he will go with it but as I said I find myself getting sucked into what he is doing - all the hurt comes back and I can't stop myself and then I feel like I go back to square one.
I know it is still early days and I do feel I am doing better every day but it doesn't take much to yank me back to the beginning and the hurt I felt.
I am finding it easier to have no contact with him - the next couple of months contact has been arranged so i have no need to be in touch with him.
I did feel at one point that if I did try and get along on a friendly basis that he would eventually tell me what is going on with "her" but I am not sure he would or that he really does have any respect for me - I think he has his own agenda and it is not the same as mine!
Can anyone give me any good advice please?
aah thanks Louise - you make so much sense - will mull things over much more before i do anything - gosh - think i am getting the hang of this being patient lark
Heck it is soooooooo difficult, though, as I well know!
I realised at the weekend that I get anxious and upset when I know he is seeing the kids - it seems to have a profound effect on me - i seem to get annoyed with the kids as if pushing them away and although i am getting better at organising stuff for me - it is not always possible to have company which is what i crave when they are away.
with regards to the communication i know that what happens is that i dip my toe in the water and then someone or one of the kids will tell me something or i find that EW (her!) has been at something that he has been at and i get upset,angry,annoyed etc and i pull back because i think he is not worth having contact with as he has no respect for me. i realise it will all take time and i know that for the moment it is not the right time to be in touch.
oh well back to the working week - hope everyone has a good week!
Well done on the learning you are doing about yourself. It's important to identify your own triggers and to get used to working WITH them, rather than against yourself.
When you start to feel anxious/upset because his parenting time is approaching, try to notice the first signs, before you take it out on the children. Then take youself off somewhere. This sounds absolutely bonkers but can work well: find an object to represent him whether that is a cushion or whatever and say and do whatever you like to that object in private, which will get rid of some of your frustration. Shhhh, we won't tell anyone 
.....but anyway it might stop you transferring that to the kids (that's understandable by the way, how many people do you know who go home in a foul mood and shoit at their family because their boss was in a foul mood and shouted at THEM? It happens quite often. What matters is that we can notice it and change the pattern)
Thanks Louise - I will try that -
I thought i wanted to give my ex a letter - he seems to not understand why i say he doesn't respect me - so i wrote a letter to him on my computer - it is good if i am honest - it has been very therapeutic although i have not had any need to send it to him - i know it won't do any good - he will never understand me - the things i have realised is that i have absolutely no respect for him - it was quite an eye opener - so i am going to print it off and set fire to it in the garden and then i will hopefully feel a bit more free
That is an excellent idea LRH, Sometimes just getting these things out in the open helps and as you say, not always neccessary to send it to the person 
he try it on last wk i what out with my kids my ex sit cry i get up walk a way have time im feel sorry 4 him i think off the name dog hit me have day so keep think what he don to you and it feel he man what u walk away from you have get nothing he can say all do .well help him keep walk donot feel sorry 4 him keep away from him
Sounds like you have decided to keep away from your ex-partner, kat?
Hello LRH
What you do is up to you, however I would be inclined to leave it a whlle longer, I agree that in the longer term you will need some civilised contact because of the the children but if the parenting time has already been arranged for the next two months then it need not be yet,
I know one of the things you struggle with is your feelings of impatience and I have exactly the same struggles. What I have learned as I have got older is that we cannot predict or control how the other person will react or behave and also that some things really DO benefit from being patient and allowing time. It is not easy when it goes against the grain of your personality, I do understand that,
When you do need to establish some contact, then what I would suggest is a letter to him (it is too easy to hit the "reply" button with texts and emails) In it you could suggest that channels of communication could become established between you but only with regard to the children and ask for his agreement that you will keep only to that topic. Some parents have a set phone call where they do this, every week or fortnight, and they have a agreed agenda, the same for every call, for example School, Health, Behaviour, Other News and Parenting time. They make an agreement on a word of phrase (such as "Time out") that EITHER can say if they think the other is straying from the the topic and they can end the call if the other parent persists. This all sounds very contrived for two people who have known each other so long but believe me, it is helpful to have some structure to the contact.
Have a think about it, LRH, and do allow time to do its work