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Hi, just found this site in my desperation. I'm a single mum of 3, I have an 8 year old girl, 14 year old girl and 15 year old boy. My 14 year old is driving me insane at the minute, her attitude drama and temper has turned her into someone i dont recognise! I am trying desperately to put rules in place but she really doesnt care or seem to respect me, i have no support from her father as his way of dealing with it is to say it must be me causing it and blaming the area we live in and the school she goes to. I just feel like giving up, but obviusly i love her and dont want to see her go down the wrong path but how do i stop her? I dread what comes daily, I'm off work for the hols and we are going away but i arent even looking forward to it as i know it going to be full of fighting and arguments, i feel completely alone dealing with her. Anyone know how to make it through!? 
Hi jojo. Welcome along 
Your title for your thread made me giggle, as I said the same thing yesterday. Difference being, I only have an 8 year old son, not a teenager!!! Hopefully, once you're on your holidays, her attitude might change, as it'll be a different enviroment etc.
Keep posting, as it really is a lovely site, and we're all extremely friendly and certainly understanding, supportive etc. What are you all doing today?
Hi, thank you for the comments, think its just nice to know people understand! Unfortunately her dad doesnt really spend any quality time with her, he leaves them with his girlfriend while he works or takes them to work with him. He is quite a difficult person to try and talk to and likes to lay blame rather than stand by me and support me through difficult times. The children, especially the older two prefer not to go spend time with him anymore so he is now focusing more on my younger daughter as she is easier to deal with. I know myself this is making my 14 year old a little bitter towards her little sister. I always try to spend time with them alone when i can but working, being single and having very little help or support makes it harder to do this as much as id like. You have probably heard this alot but when my daughter is getting her own way she is lovely, when i put rules in place its like satan moves in!!! She has a terrible temper and when she gets angry can damage things. Is this hormones? how can i calm her temper?
Hi Jojo,
I have three teenagers (plus one who's 22) all at the same time! I do not claim sanity, but I don't think that's a bad thing...
No1 son never did the teenage thing. Maybe HE's the strange one!
No2 son (16) was very uncommunicative for about two years, and very apathetic. Didn't do anything, no school work no nothing. Woke up recently, though, and now we're hoping he's done enough for GCSEs to stay at his school for A-levels.
Daughter (13) is just entering the teenage phase, still mostly nice and sometimes stroppy.
No3 son (14 almost 15) is the BIG problem at the moment. He's a bit like your daughter, no respect, very bad attitude, plus he can get physically aggressive (smashed his room last week, sigh). I had to recognise that in all this my son was really really unhappy. We had a conversation where I said to him that the unhappiness would go away eventually, and he said it wouldn't. Heartbreaking!
So maybe, when your daughter has one of the 'bright' moments, you could acknowledge to her that you've been a teenager yourself and you know she's unhappy? And on holiday, you could put her in charge of eiverybody? So she decides what you do (within reason)? Hazeleyes is right, out of the everyday environment she might have a bit of a different attitude!
Hang in there! xxx
I will give that a try! I'm sure it must be an attention thing for her, she always seems to strop or sulk as soon as we leave the front door, it makes me dread going out! I miss the old days where we all spent days out together and had fun. I really hope we can have fun this summer!
Just remember, you are not alone!
Hi jo jo, did you get a chance to read the article? It was about listening.
Perhaps when you are on holiday, you could get the chance to go for a walk, just the two of you, ask your eldest to look after your youngest for half an hour and just let her do the talking.
My daughter (16) tends to tell me the most when we are walking or i am driving, all i need to do is make affirmative noises and I find out all sorts!!
When do you go away?
Hopeful - I love your idea of letting her organise the days out etc - think it will be really good opotunity for a daughter to shine as well as gain an insight into how difficult being a mum can be.
Anna - I think you're very right about listening - there are times when i would have shared more with my mum but before i know it she's fired me with wave upon wave of her news and I haven't really felt like responding anymore.
Hopeful - your son saying he'll never be happy sounds really upsetting - I entered depression in my teen years and unfortunately never left it. I hope the world is changed a bit since then ! :)
Jo Jo - Good luck with summer. it is so hard being a full time worker and single parent, there is no time spare to try and work out best strategies and be consistant with them - are there any clubs they can go to? teen discos?
I hope you have a lovely holiday - what are your 3 biggest worries? write them down and work out what you'll do if they happen? and then go, confident that no matter what happens, you will be fine! :) my mantra was 'we'll be fine' for quite a while - haven't found myself saying it lately - this is good:)
Hi
As Anna says, would she sit at a table and perhaps work out some agreements between the two of you?
We sort of get by here (I have a 19 year old son - a right pain, a 17 year old daughter - not too bad, a 15 year old son who has special needs, so has challenges that he can't help, and a 12 year old who can be difficult at times.
Hi, our holiday is from the 24th august, my daughter does like to tell me things, we often sit and watch tv together on an evening, she is always fine on her own but i need her to understand she has a brother and sister and i cant ignore them for her. My main concern is her anger and temper, it sometimes comes from nowhere. I find myself drained and in tears after every big "kick off" she has. When i first noticed her temper changing i got in touch with our school nurse who used to have chats with her, at that time we were also having problems with her dad and his partner and it was good for her to vent to the nurse as her dad was confusing and upsetting the children by often calling me names in front of them and he was telling them to keep things secret from me as to what went on at his house. This ended up with me having to visit a solicitor to put in place some rules which he still doesnt really acknowledge. I'm scared that all that has gone on has made her this way. I really want my old little girl back and hope shes still in there somewhere! Do you think getting someone from the outside to speak to her would help, or would this make her feel like shes different. Do all teenagers get so angry and aggresive?
Hey, Jojo,
probably lots of teenagers do. no2 son was often very aggressive (though not physically, like No3), and my daughter (13) certainly has her moments.
But if no2 is anything to go by, it's a phase and it passes - I don't think without being convinced about that I could cope with no3! My mum says 'you just have to love them through it'
If your daughter would speak to someone 'outside', I think its great, maybe the school offers counselling? At least she could get it all out that way! You could ask her what she thinks.....
Big hug x
Would your daughter want to talk to someone about how she is feeling jo jo? Unless she does, there is little you can do? She she show concerns about her temper? Does she ever say I hate feeling like this?
Teenagers do go through their temper tantrum stage, however being violent or abusive or damaging property is NOT ok or acceptable teenage behaviour.
Have a look at our article on Aggressive behaviour in teens, there are some good links at the bottom which take you to websites with some really useful tips.
Your daughter is still in there somewhere, she needs some loving and understanding to help her know that is ok to be angry about stuff and that you will still love her if she is cross, but the way she portrays that, is what needs working on.
Hi jojo
How are things now?
I was just thinking about your daughter and you have been given some great ideas and support already, just adding my two penn'orth.
Re talking with someone, I was wondering if you could say to her "I can see that you are not happy at the moment, let's get you someone to talk to that's outside the family, I know it is hard to explain to your nearest and dearest sometimes" then contact Relate to sort out an appointment. This is a million miles away from " You are so awful, what the heck is wrong with you? you need to see a therapist!" (not that I am suggesting that is what you would EVER say but am just pointing out the different emphasis)
You also said that you know your little girl is still in there somewhere, well actually she isn't, she is a young woman now and will never be that little girl again (although will act like a toddler quite often! ) but what she is going through will fashion the sort of ADULT she is becoming.
Another thing I wanted to reflect on is when you said that you seem always to come away from an "encounter" with her drained and in tears. Would it help if I told you that that is what teen girls want? Not for you to be in tears but to become emotionally engaged and affected by encounters with them. In other words, getting upset/mad/frustrated/desperate is just playing into their hands. Teen boys don't seem to do this as much. Anyway if you can remember this, it might help you to stay CALM and focused.....the other thing teens do is distract you from the main issue by getting you to become emotionally involved.
The examples below are simplistic but I hope will illustrate what I mean. A=adult, T=teen.
A: Jane I would like you to take all your stuff up from the lounge to your room
T: HUMPH
A: Don't you dare ignore me! did you hear what I said, take your stuff up to your room!
T: You didn't make Susan take hers, you're always picking on me
A: I am not picking on you, you are old enough to know better, just do as you're told
T: you do pick on me, you hate me, you love Susan more than me.
A: I love you both the same but I don't like you very much
T: Why don't you like me? It's because I'm ugly isn't it? It's not fair (kicks chair)
A: Stop kicking that chair
T: Oh so you DO think I'm ugly?
A: Stop losing your temper and don't be so stupid, you're not ugly
T: Oh so I'm I'm stupid now am I? No wonder I lose my temper, it's all your fault
.......and so on and so on.....how EXHAUSTING! The teen has suceeded in her aim: to become the leading actress in the drama of her life.
Mark Two:
A: Jane I would like you to take all your stuff up from the lounge to your room
T: HUMPH
A: Jane?
T: WHAT?
A: Jane I would like you to take all your stuff up to your room.
T: You didn't make Susan take hers, you're always picking on me
A: I am not discussing that, I would like you to take your stuff up to your room
T: Yes oh-ho, not discussing it, I know you love her more than me
A: I would like you to take your stuff up to your room.
T: Yes, and I don't blame you for not loving me as much, I know why, it is because I'm ugly (kicks chair)
A: When you have done as I have asked then we can discuss any concerns you have. For now, I would like you to take your stuff up to your room
T: Trying to ignore me now eh? You're pants, it's not fair
A: When you have done as I have asked then we can discuss any concerns you may have. For now, I would like you to take your stuff up to your room
...and so on. Yes exhausting too, but each time you use this technique successfully will mean that subsequent encounters will become LESS exhausting and also YOU STAY IN CONTROL, not only in the sense of you not getting cross or crying but also you are the boss!!!
Teee heee! I love it when you do that Louise! GReat reminder though for me too, having a 16 year old daughter! Thanks!
"has suceeded in her aim: to become the leading actress in the drama of her life"
Sounds lke my X : )
Unfortunately, I'm not so good at scenario 2...... 
None of us are, and that's why they end up with the upper hand. Think of it as a tactical campaign, heh heh 
and to think I have no problem with really difficult patients! It's because it's so personal!
Yes you're right, they tug at every heartstring and push every button!!!
Dear jo jo, welcome to One Space. You desperation is a common one I'm afraid. I have spoken to so many single parents who are at loggerheads with their teenage daughters and say, as you do, I love her so much, but I am just not liking her. It is good to recognise that this is probably a 'phase'. Although that doesn't always change things right now, it may help to see it as short term rather than forever.
How long has it been since she has seen her dad? Does she have a good relationship with him, or does she feel let down by him?
Do you get to spend any 'quality' time with her? How is school going for her? What are her friends like?
You might be interested in reading our articles in theTeenagers section. Particluarly Communicating with your teen.
So many questions!
I look forward to hearing more from you, we are here to support you, so please give us more info and we will do what we can with ideas and suggestions.