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Hi there, have an issue i wanted to discuss and get some advice on.
I Left my ex earlier this year. he got done for ABH x2 against me in may 2011. i moved from L to D to get away and be closer to family. I am 37 weeks pregnant. He wants to be a dad more than anything and is begging me to meet up with him, so we can get along together and be parents for the baby. I want to give it a try but i have the following problems..
=he doesn't have a house we could go to, plus he lives in l and i'm in d
=my family think i'm mad for wanting him to be in the baby's life
=i don't want him knowing my new address or coming to MY house to see the baby once hes born
=we both don't want to go through court (for different reasons..)
Does anyone know if there's some kind of place, like a contact centre where we could go, or be referred to by someone? without having to go through the legal system. I am willing to give him a chance but it's just difficult trusting him and i'd rather start off in a contact centre for a few months before he steps foot in my house.
Can i also add that the reason i don't want to go to court.. is because i already KNOW that the judge doesn't really care about previous violent convictions, or any criminal convictions. As long as they the crimes were not against children then he'd have lots of rights.
I'd rather be in control of the situation (yes i admit this openly) and allow him into his sons life and supervise it myself with my family supporting me. I don't want a judge who doesn't know me making decisions for me. I want to help him work with me and be a parent with him. I don't want the whole 'battle' of court to make things more hostile -As we are getting along in a very civil way. He doesn't want to go to court because he doesn't want to pay.. So that's my totally honest open feelings..and that's why i don't know where to turn (solicitor? SS? contact centers? Parents house?) =S
confused.com
xx
Hey louise thanks for your reply,
yeah my family would rather me go through courts because they think because of previous violence he wil get No access anyway, but from reading and doing my research online i've come to realise that violent ex partners Do get access and often it becomes v. stressful on everyone involved. I defo want to do this privately to see how it goes. My dad has already said that if it comes to it he is willing to let him and i go into his house to see the baby, god this is really stressing me, its on my mind 24/7 and im so worried about the future.
thing is i know my ex would be an ok dad, he was always good to my daughter, just not to me at times, and i know how much he wants to be a dad to his baby. But i am worried he will eventually expect to take the baby all the way to london to have him around his family . and i don't like his family environment (his mums house and aunties house) as they all smoke inside their homes, smoke weed, and drink, their kids are out of control and police are always braking their door down because of stolen goods in the home.
my family however are on the complete opposite side of society..
If you keep the contact within a trusted person's house or a contact centre then that is the way to keep control. It is true that as the child gets older he may well want staying contact but that is a while away...circumstances change and he may be less keen, you never know, just do what is best for now.
Dear emilypam3la
MMmmm, I find your post confusing, although I completely recognise myself in there too!
I used to think that my ex would be a great dad, even though he had been violent towards me. I didn't want to cause difficulties between him and his daughter. I turned a blind eye to the arguments & shouting in the extended family home, I ignored the smoking of weed while he drove my daughter to his flat 120 miles away, with music blasting and no car seat for her. I ignored the fact that occassionally he would have a pop at me and then take her off for a few hours, thinking that she would be fine.
She was his daughter and he loved her more than anything. Who was I to stand in their way?
My daughter is now 16. I had one friend who was absolutely appalled at the slackness in my decisions. She used to be infuriated when I said that he loves her so much and although he was vulgar to me, they had a great relationship.
He had fortnightly contact, (he didn't always turn up, sometimes he was late, a couple of hours and often brought her home late, unfed, tired and irritable). My friend thought this was horrendous, but as long as he was seeing his daughter I thought it was ok.
One weekend my daughter was invited to go to something (she was 5ish) and asked if I could change her weekend with her dad. He went ballistic and threatened to kill me and her. I hid out at my mums, then he arrived there and smashed up my car and her windows.
Eventually he got done for 2 counts of criminal damage. He took me to court to see his girl, she had seen all of this behaviour and was feeling very unsettled.
Anyway to cut a long story short, I left the ball in his court and he wouldn't admit to the criminal damage and dropped the access case. He has only seen his daughter about 4 times in the last 10 years and I am happy to say, it was the best thing he ever did. Her mood swings stopped, her attitude calmed down and she is a happy, well rounded person.
Now I look back and I am soooo glad that I didn't facilitate their relationship any further, because she wouldn't be the star she is now. She has confidence and self esteem and I truly believe if he was in her life, she would be a very different person.
So all of this came spouting out of me, because you said "thing is i know my ex would be an ok dad, he was always good to my daughter, just not to me at times, and i know how much he wants to be a dad to his baby."
Ask yourself, would he be a 'good' dad? Will he show you respect in front of your daughter? Are you still scared of him? I know you want to be 'seen' as doing the right thing, but is this the 'best' thing for her?
I believe you have been in a controlling relationship, so therefore, your thoughts may still contain things he has said to you. would you consider going to counselling or to a Womens Aid organisation to mull over any decisions you might make about contact?
Hi Anna. Reading your post i have totally had like a realisation about my feelings towards him as dad =/ you're right i am scared of him, not for him to physically hurt me as such because i don't think he'd dare now.. well i'm not sure but its more i'm completely manipulated emotionaly by what he says to me. he knows how to make me feel bad and i do see the good in people too much. my empathy prehaps makes me a bit of a push over sometimes.
I totally know that i can raise this baby without him, my family are amazing and my daughter is too. I guess i am feeling confused..
I would love to go to a womens aid thing or get counselling, in fact before i fled london after leaving him, the SS were supposed to be arranging counselling for me but never ended up doing anything.. leaving me i guess to deal with it alone.
you're right about my post being confusing, in fact you read me so well. i'm confused everyday, my mind goes something like this... ''i don't want to ever see that man again.. but i can't just use the baby as a weapon like he says i'm doing.. maybe he could change and respect me as a mum and be a good dad... but i know my son will benefit from him NOT being in his life!.. but what if he takes me to court and they force supervised contact which will eventually lead to unsupervised.. ohh sh** i'm so scared i wish he would just not care!! ''
so confused. thanks for replying, your post really got me thinking that he still is controlling me.. emotionally! and your story has inspired me.. question is what do i do now? i really need some advice.. should i just ignore his attempts to contact me and hope he gives up? he only has my email and blackberry pin to contact me.. i hate this x
x
Hi emilypam3la, firstly my apologies, I got confused, I thought your baby was a daughter, but now re-reading I see that you have a daughter already and your son is the baby with this man. Have I now got it correct?! 
Find your local Womens Aid organisation, by clicking on the blue! Have a chat with them, let them know you are feeling manipulated and a bit lost, hopefully they will be able to provide you with some support. You can also visit your GP and ask for counselling.
Your ex saying that you are using the baby as a weapon, is a very familiar tactic he is using to get to your heart, you want to be seen as a 'good' person', he knows this and will try anything to manipulate you. You are not using your baby as a weapon, you are being a protective mother. HE is the one using him as a tool to upset you.
Have a read of The Good Father and the Bad Father, it will open your eyes to see that a lot of abusive men behave like he is. And you are doing exactly what survivors do. I thought exactly like you, I thought he would respect me as a mum, HA! That really isn't going to happen, trust me. Although my daughter hasn't seen her dad for more than a few minutes for 10 years, he still came to my house a couple of years ago (120 miles from his) and graffitti Anna is a slag! outside my front door.....Charming!
Your family are the ones that are going to support you in the long run, so listen to them!
OK, so where do you go from here? I would wait and see what his next move is. It is up to you whether you ignore phone calls and wait for a text or email. You and he are separated now, so any contact should only be around the baby. Do not get involved in any discussions about who you are as a person, your thoughts, feelings, your future plans or anything. Keep yourself to yourself and solely talk about contact.
You can send brief messages back, saying sorry I am unable to come to L, or unfortunately there is no one that can help with contact at this time etc.
He will probably threaten you with court, he may even go ahead with it, you just have to keep strong and in the long run, things will eventually sort themselves out.
Find yourself some professional support, as this is incredibly hard to do on your own.
Hi emilypam3la
Welcome, and congratulations on your pregnancy, not long to go now.
I think the conclusions you have reached sound very sensible. You can find your nearest contact centre by clicking here. When you are in touch with them, please check how long you can use their services for as sometimes this is as short a time as three months. You also might be breatsfeeding? and this would mean you could not be away from the baby for long (although of course you can express milk) and that might colour the location of the contact
You say in your post that your family do not agree with you organising contact but then you say you want to do this with the support of your famiy. It would be good if a third party were to agree for him to have the contact at a neutral address but only if they are happy for him to know their address. However, I am wondering if it might be an idea to start off at someone's house (so that you can be there or pop in and out) and then progress to a contact centre once the very first baby stage is over, and also you will by then have an idea about his likely parental involvement