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Hi im hoping for some advice please. About a year ago I split with the Dad of my 2 kids as we were arguing alot and he was quite controlling. After the split he was verbally abusive towards me which shattered my self confidence but I never stopped loving him. He basically would not let me move on, he got a flat round the corner so he could keep an eye on me, I had to assure him that I wasnt interested in meeting anyone, even phoning him after a night at my friends to tell him I was home etc we did eventually become friendlier for the sake of the children. So around 1 month ago he told me he had a new girlfriend and it totally devastated me, I always thought that somehow we would work on our issues( i had faults too) and find a way back to each other. I have tried to accept he has moved on, and last week he came for the kids and we had a pleasant chat, then he text me a few times saying how I was pretty, sweet, etc and he wanted to do right by me and make me happy, I was busy and forgot to text him back, then he phoned and text a few times asking if I was ignoring him and he thought we were friends. So this gave me the impression that he maybe was interested in sorting stuff out, i was totally confused. I texted him a few days later and he totally ignored me and after a few arguments he has told me he hates my guts and wants nothing more to do with me. I know I have to let him go but I'm devastated and not quite sure how to move on, i dont want to leave the house in case i bump into him and his new partner. Feel very low and worthless at the moment
Thanks so much for replying. Not sure what to do as usually he phones every morning to speak to his children or at least check how they are and he isnt doing that. I understand he doesnt want to speak to me but I think ignoring the kids is out of line. This is a great website, looking forward to getting to know everyone on here x
Hi again
You must just feel really confused at the moment. I guess you need to see what happens for a few days with regard to his contact with the children.
However, that is awful if you feel you do not want to go out, why shouldn't you, you have every right to live your life in peace and quiet. I understand you feel low (he has made sure that you do!!!) but he will probably repeat the same pattern with this new partner.
What sort of support have you got? I know your children are very small and it must be hard work. Are you in touch with your local Children's Centre? Both Sure Start and Home Start could be very helpful to you and there may be local groups and activities you can join, I do think it is very important to boost your network of friends and support right now to strengthen you again. Think of it as shoring up your foundations!!!
You might be interested to read our section about types of abuse within relationships, see here to give you a list of articles available but above all I would urge to you have a look at this, which will describe an abusive partner's behaviour. How many of those can you identify with? There is a great course you can go on called The Freedom Programme or if there is not one going on near you, the book can also be ordered. Many of us believe that if there is little or no physical violence involved in a relationshop then it is not abusive! and it is a bit of a shock to realise otherwise.
I wonder if you could choose just ONE positive thing to do next, whether it is a phone call to a source of help, grasping the nettle and going out the house or a bit of pampering for yourself with doing your hair and nails and putting on some make-up; looking good will boost your confidence!
Stay with us, anyway, others will be along to say hello as well 
hello kpnuts32,
love the username lol, u shouldnt beat urself up because of his behaviour to you i dont think he`s worth the hassle after what you said , how to move on? ummm i am struggling with that myself since being a widow so i`m not much help there , but one think ...take one step at a time and you will know when the time is right for you to date other men , this time stay away from loosers!!:D
lovely to have you here
xox
Hi kpnuts - yes.... he is a controller. From what you said, he is very definitely playing games too. If he can switch from telling you are sweet (which I bet you are) to saying he wants nothing more to do with you, his words are empty.
I really hope you read the link that Louise put in, regarding differing types of abuse. It is very eye opening.
You may want to read this article too: How to recover from a broken heart
Please recognise this for what it is, your ex is trying to control you and now it is up to you to stop it, not let him, take control of your life and start living it how you wish. Have you got some good friends locally?
Hi
Thanks so much for your replies and advice. I will take a look at those pages you advised. I have decided to not have any contact with my ex unless its regarding the children, he has already told me that he is going to stop paying me maintenance and to go through the CSA so thats something I will do. Whats hurting me most is that regardless of what names he called me (bad mother, fat, ugly bucktoothed c*** to name but a few) I told him once that I was thinking of paying a private dentist to get my teeth fixed to which he said I shouldnt do as it wouldnt make me feel any better! I let him do it and I was still there for him when he needed help, but now he has found someone else he wants nothing else to do with me. I feel used and that I never meant anything to him.
There is nothing that I can do to change that so I've decided to work on myself, find out what it is that will make me happier(not another man) join a gym, sign up for some self improvement courses and I would love to eventually find a part time job and start a single parent support group of my own someday. I want a better life for my children and want to work towards that.
There is a local Sure start centre so I will definitely take my children along and hopefully we will all make some new friends. I have my family around to support me and a small group of friends but to be honest I do find myself doing what they want to do as they never really want to do what I want, but again thats something I need to work on within myself.
Thank you again for your replies, Im feeling a lot more positive just being able to get some of the feelings off my chest and that someones actually listening.
mrspj - I'am sorry for your loss (((big hugs)))
Hiya kpnuts32
Hope you are ok tonight :)
Good on you for deciding to work on yourself. It's also good that you have your family around and that you are feeling positive. Your ex sounds very manipulative and controlling - I think you're doing a great thing by moving on.
Nice to meet you :)
Hi kpnuts32
Your last post is very positive and I applaud you.
The horrid names he called you, could you design your own alternative phrase to counter it. How about something along the lines of "I am a strong capable and loving woman, I deserve respect and I am proud of myself and my beautiful children"??
You are sooooo perceptive: if you are doing things your friends want to do, rather than your choice, it is indeed likely that the way this man has treated you has made it hard for you to express your choices, and that will change as you move forward now.
Let us know how you get on and I do hope you will stay with us as a regualr visitor, we are all here for you. What's the first thing you are planning to do?
Hi,
Honest thanks so much for your replies, finding this website has really lifted my spirits. I took a look at the freedom programme website and wow that picture with Mr Wrong/Mr Right was so true!!! Louise I have wrote that saying down " Iam a strong capable woman etc" and put it on my fridge just when I start to doubt myself so thanks so much for that.
First thing I'm doing is I've signed up to do the Life coaching and Everyday assertiveness courses on here. Hopefully that will help me with certain aspects in my life.
Thanks again for all your advice and support, this is a great website and I will definitley be a regular visitor.
Thanks mamaoftwo for your supportive words and very nice to meet you too.
Hi kpnuts32,
Mr Right and Mr Wrong are soo obvious when you see it in black and white aren't they?! 
I still find it bizarre that I chose to accept certain bad behaviours from the man that I wanted to share my life with!!
FYI - The reason your ex didn't want you to get your teeth fixed was because he didn't want you to find a new confidence in yourself.
It sounds as though life has really changed for you and you are taking a very different view of things.
Best of Luck with the online courses, I hope that they give you everything you are hoping they will provide. They are still quite new on the site and we are always keen to get any feedback on how they are working ie: if you are finding it too hard, complicated, tedious or boring! Please just let us know as we want them to be life changing!
When is your ex next due to have the children?
Hi Anna,
Yes its crazy when you see it in black and white, he more or less ticked every Mr Wrong box!!! I feel exactly the same and to be honest I'm still finding it difficult that he has found someone else but everytime I feel down that I've lost the love of my life, I take another look at that list and remember that it wasnt love and I do deserve better.
Yeah I'm feeling a lot more positive, I will def give some feedback n the courses. I've done a few of the exercises and they have given me a lot to think about so, so far so good. Not tedious or boring though.
My ex is due to have the children this Saturday and Sunday.
Ok well you need to be calm on those days and don't let him upset you, he may try to press the buttons again, keep thinking of the new future you have planned....
It was reading the Mr Right/Mr Wrong that made me realise what had been going on. I was volunteering with a women's support group, and the girl running the course had been watching my face as I was reading the lists, called a tea break, and had a chat with me. I cried buckets.
You don't see it when you're living it though, do you?
You're sounding really positive about things, which is brilliant.
Hi kpnuts. Just wanted to welcome you along to this great site. Do hope you're feeling a bit more positive as each day passes. Take lots of care. Look forward to getting to know you. We're all here for you, to help you through a difficult time. xx
Hi Sparklinglime & Hazeleyes
Yeah when I was living with my ex I truly believed I deserved the way he treated me and that I wasnt good enough, but the freedom programme website is a great eyeopener and I would def recommend it to anyone who is or was going through the same thing.
I feel heaps better just having you guys here with some great advice and positivity so thanks so much. xx
You're welcome kpnuts32, that is what we are here for and we hope you will stay with us and become a "regular"
Hi kpnuts32, glad to hear that the courses are going well for you. As Louise says your ex might try and press your buttons when he comes for contact visit. Put your bullet proof vest on and try and only give yes, no or I'll think about it answers.
Glad to be supporting you 
Are the little ones looking forward to seeing their Dad? Have you told them?
Hi
Yes the kids know they are seeing their Dad and are looking forward to seeing him, I cant fault him there he is a good Dad and they love him to bits.
He text earlier to see how they are and things got heated as he has refused to pay me maintenance this month and told me I would have to get it through the CSA if I wanted it. I told him that if he did not want to come to a private agreement then I would contact them, to which he replied that i was selfish and greedy, only wanted the money for myself, and the only reason I wanted to go through CSA is because he had a new girlfriend. I totally ignored what he said, then he continued to text me and mention his new girlfriend which I continued to ignore. I'll be honest it did slightly sting when he mentioned her but then I remembered the Mr Wrong/Mr Right pic and thought I can def do better.
Now had this have been a week ago I would have got myself really upset and stressed, but I was completely calm and just told him his new relationship was irrelevant and he should be paying maintenance towards his children. I'm shocked myself that I didnt bite to any of the names he called me and can honestly say its because of you guys and this amazing website, I feel empowered!
So thanks again so much xxx
High five!!!
Just as we ignore our children's bad behaviour and engage with the good, so you have adapted this for texts with your ex, what a brilliant idea. So glad that you found it easier to cope. You're right, the children's financial support has nothing to do with whether he has a new girlfriend.
Stay strong, and we are here for you whatever happens
Sending strength your way. You're doing well.
Thanks Louise and sparklinglime xxx
Your message was brilliant kpnuts32. The feeling of empowerment is wonderful aint it!
I hope that the visit went well??
Hi Anna, its a great feeling!
Although i'm not feeling it this week 
the kids & dads visit went fine they even bought me a charm bracelet on their day out, which was surprising.
But then when the kids dad came to drop them off he spoke to me as if I was muck on his shoe which has put me on the backfoot wondering if the time we were together meant anything? And do I really deserve to be spoken to like this, now I'm doubting myself all over again. I didnt bite or argue back with him, but I broke my heart about it yesterday, just made me feel like rubbish.
Just dont understand that if he has moved on and is with someone else then why still feel the need to be really nasty to me. I'll be ok but the Jekyll and Hyde behaviour from him really confuses me. I want to be able to not let it bother me. x
My best guess is that he needs to feel that you are baddie so that he can imagine he was squeaky clean and everything was all your fault. I have seen this a LOT in separating couples, from both sides. So really, it is his insecurity: don't let him make it yours! if it happens again just think to yourself "Ha" All you are doing is showing me how awkward you feel" and smile (or grimace!) sweetly.
Awww, please don't doubt yourself. He has the problems not you, just keep telling yourself that. Hope you're feeling a bit better tonight. xx
Thanks Louise and hazeleyes,
I am feeling better thanks hazeleyes. Louise you are so right, I have always held my hands up when I have been wrong and the whole relationship breaking down was both of our doing, but he has never accepted any responsibilty for any of it, it was always just my fault.
So yeah I guess I'm the bad guy in his eyes so I'm just gonna have to accept thats his way of thinking....there's nothing I can do to change it, just ignore it. Its amazing how the support from you lovely people here can help you think of things from another perspective.
Thanks again xx
You're welcome kpnuts32, one thing that might help is imagining what a classic baddie's outfit looks like (erm, huge black cloak, maybe even a highwayman mask etc?) then when he starts on that tack just have a smirk to yourself as you visualise yourself in the baddie outfit.......
Hahaha Louise thats a fab idea, ive used it already!!
He has just been on the phone to see how the kids are. He asked me "have we fell out again?" I cant actually believe he's asking after the way he spoke to me the other day. So i just said very calmly that I hadnt fell out with him, but I wasnt bothered if we spoke to each other or not. He hung up on me!
Honest I dont think if I unlocked the secrets of the universe they could explain this man's behaviour. Suppose sometimes you do just have to laugh or you would go crazy xx
Get that cloak off at once kpnuts32!!!!! lol.
Agree with you that some peoples' behaviour is beyond comprehension, best not to try.
Hope you have got some sunshine today
Just a little update...
kids were supposed to be staying at their Dads overnight tonight, he phoned yesterday and said he couldnt have them all day as he was at a meeting at work. I asked him its not usual for a job to just decide your working all day without any notice, so then he said his meeting was till 1pm, then he wanted to go to the gym! I said so you wont be seeing you children for a week and you'd rather go to the gym, he agreed instead that he would have them for tea from 3.30 till 6.00. I said drop them off at 7pm and you still owe me £20 maintenance money, all hell broke loose I was all the B*tch*s, cows spiteful blah blah and he said he wasnt coming to get kids at all.
I have contacted a mediator and told him they will be in touch and he has said he wont go through the mediator and its my fault he wont have a relationship with his children!!! GGGrrrrrrr A mediator for me is the only way to do this, im sick of him blaming me for everything and the emotional/verbal abuse is awful 
Hi kpnuts. Aww, don't let him get to you again. He is the one who changed visiting times, not you. Even though he still owes you maintenance money, you still agreed to him having the children til 7, you didn't deny him that, so it is not you who is selfish. Good for you getting in touch with the mediator. It's his decision if he doesn't want to go, again, nothing to do with you. Stay strong, we're all here for you ok. xx
Thanks Hazeleyes
Thats what I said to him, he cant hold me responsible for his decisions and he cant blame me totally for the breakdown of our family. For whatever reasons he has he still wants to hurt my feelings and call me, but Im deleting his texts without reading them and blanking his calls today and every day unless its bout the kids. Im sick of being his verbal punchbag. xx
Of course you are, and you are being so strong, well done. You are willing to go to Mediation and he isn't, what does that say about your relative positions?
Thanks Louise,
Honestly dont know what it says about our positions or why he is refusing to go. It makes no sense to me?
What I mean is that you are trying to make it work and he is clearly antagonistic and wants to apportion blame rather than work things out. Mediation means compromise, not having things all his own way.
It is worth putting in writing that you would like to try mediation (and keep a copy) That way, if a court action ever happens you can show you were willing to negotiate.
Oh right Louise, Im kind of slow on the uptake at times haha. The mediation service is sending out a letter some time this week to him and I'm going to start keeping notes of any contact I have with him.
The arrangement at the moment is he tells me when he is having the children and I just agree. Only reason he started today is because I asked him to have the kids 1 extra hour which isnt unreasonable I think.
I only hope that once he calms down and thinks about it he realises that mediation is now the only option to sort this out for our children.
Let's hope so, kpnuts32. Even if he doesn't, you have taken all the right action
Hi kpnuts32, you asked earlier why he still feels the need to keep using you as a verbal punchbag, I would say it is because he doesn't like not having 'control' over you.
You sound as though when you deal with him, you are calm and in control of yourself and he doesn't like it, my ex used to love it if I got upset, angry, frustrated, dismayed etc and would use any tactic possible. So you need to put on that bullet proof vest, everytime you speak with him. This isn't about you, yes, we need to compromise and it sounds as though you are trying to, it is about his issues and you are not being the doormat he believes you should be.
I think Louise very cleverly pointed out that you are doing all that you can and not being unreasonable here, please keep that in mind. We can spend hours and days wondering what how we can make things better, more amicable, but unfortunately unless both parties are prepared to play ball, there is little else you can do.
Hello kpnuts32
What a great user name!!! You are very welcome here, thanks for sharing your story. I am sorry things are so so difficult for you right now. You are certainly not worthless! The way your partner has behaved has knocked the stuffing out of you, not to mention your self esteem.
I will write you a full reply later when I am back on the boards a bit later but I just wanted to say hello before I went out this morning, you have found us now (HOORAY!) and there is lots of friendly suipport here