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I have been separated from my ex husband for nearly two years and have been seeing a wonderful man for the last eighteen months. We have taken things very slowly and gently especially with our children ( i have two, he has one) and allowed everyone to get used to things one step at a time.
We have wanted to move in together for a long time but both of us felt we had to wait until the children especially were settled and comfortable with mum and dads respective new partners. My ex has been seeing a number of women but has now settled with a woman that he as good as lives with but of course its easy for him to do that as the children do not live with him so he has more freedom to persue relationships.
My dilema is hwo to tell my ex husband that my partner will be moving in and how to deal with any problems that may occur.
Any suggestions would be much appreciated
Hi Charlottea, how does Louise's suggestion of a letter sit with you? do you think that is a viable option?
How do you think your ex may react to your news?
Hello Charlottea
First of all you have done absolutely the right thing as far as the children are concerned, taking things slowly and one stage at a time. Obviously the children are the important ones, but you do want things to go smoothly with your former partner too.
Is he aware you are in a serious relationship, that is the first question? so it is not a huge shock to him when your partner moves in, I mean. Is he an involved dad, who sees your two regularly? If the answer to these two questions is yes, then I would suggest a letter to him, saying that you just wanted to let him know the situation and reassuring him that he will always be the children's dad and that this changes nothing, that he will continue to have the same good relationship with them and the new man will not be called daddy, as that is HIS place. Say that you have not done this lightly and you would only have a relationship with someone who is a good and kind adult to your children. You could say you are glad that BOTH of you have found new partners and that you hope the two of you, indeed the four of you, will work together for the good of the children. Offer (if this does not sound a bridge too far) for him to meet your new partner at some stage.
Now, only YOU can tell how much of this is appropriate. Expect some kick-off of some sort (it's Ok for him to have mutliple partners but hey how dare you have a long term relationship with one person?
) but stay calm and consistent. At the end of the day, the answer is "It's none of your business" (I guess you did not have a choice about his new partner) however doing things in a civilised manner is much better. You could also point out CALMLY during any reaction, that it is to his advantage to have a civilised relationship with your new partner as he is such a presence n your childrens' lives. Your partner needs to stay out of things as much as possible at this stage, although it will be his instinct to jump in and defend you....if the two blokes end up at loggerheads then that could escalate, whereas it would be great if he could see your new partner as another encouraging adult to help your children along.
Good luck!!