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Hi all,
I have a 10 week old son, and my husband of 2 years (partner of 10 years) left us 4 weeks ago due to insecurity and a lack of trust on my part. He told me yesterday that he doesn't think he loves me anymore, and that he loves me like a friend, but not like a wife 
. In these 4 weeks, he has been diagnosed with depression, which he puts down to me, and is on anti depressants.
I really dont know what to do, I cannot see a future without him and I am not sure how I am meant to take care of our baby in the state I am currently in! Fortunately I have loads of support from friends and family, but it really means nothing without my husband there with me.
How will I cope? the idea of him with someone else makes me feel sick,and I cannot even imagine that i will ever meet anyone else because my husband and I really were solemates.
I'm so alone and scared
Hello, I have just welcomed you on the other thread
You are in total shock right now, no wonder you feel sick! and it is such hard work with a new baby too. It sounds to me as if your husband is going through a certain phase in his life, if he is depressed and the arrival of the new baby may have felt very stressful to him as well. That is NOT to excuse him, you are very vulnerable right now and his job was to be there for you. But what I am saying is that this might be temporary and if he seeks some help he may be able to get his head round things properly.You have been together a long time, he may just be feeling overwhelmed. Once you are feeling a bit stronger and recovered from the birth ask him if he would go to Relate with you. even if he says there is no way back it is worth doing this, just so you understand what has happened
In the meantime I am glad you have the support of family and friends. Whilst your emotions may feel overwhelming, it is vital to look at practical things right now. What is your housing situation? Are you on maternity leave or were you not working before the baby? Hopefully you have already applied for Child Benefit and Child Tax Credit but you may need to advise the Tax Credit people of your change in circumstances as you may get more money...please do not neglect these practical aspects. Hopefully your relationship can be repaired but in practical terms you have to act as if it won't and sort out fnancial and husing matters for you and your baby. I suggest you contact your fab 1-2-1 Money Advice Service for individual and confidential help.
Please look after yourself as much as possible, accept help with the baby, try to rest and make sure you eat properly as you need to keep your strength up.
There are lots of ways we can help and support you but I don't want to overwhelm you, just get these first things in place, one step at a time 
, we are all here for you.
Welcome MariaMaria84 from me too! I have just deleted your other post in the Intorduce yourself Discussion board as I had just responded there and now seen this thread and was worried that you were going to have 2 duplicate conversations going on! What a shock for you, did you see it coming? 1 in 4 parents are raising their children alone, so you really aren't alone, especially not on this site. I think it is very unfair for your husband to say that you made him depressed. That is his excuse, but you mustn't believe it or take it on board. You can not make someone else depressed, that is his responsibility. It is important that you do things for yourself at this stage, as a baby can be so demanding and you can find yourself becoming a bit of a hermit. It is great that you have family and friends around you, make the most of them. As tiredmum says, don't worry about the future at this stage, take each day as it comes, you never know what is round the corner. You will get through this and you will cope, even though it doesn't feel like this at the moment. Have a look at some of our articles and videos in the Looking after You section of our site and keep posting. It always seems as though everyone else is in a couple when we find ourselves single, however that is not the case. Do you go along to a mother and baby group? Or would you consider perhaps an aqua babes class?
Hi MariaMaria84. I can only imagine the shock that you're in right now. Not only do you find yourself alone, but with a new baby too. Please take any help that is offered to you right now from family and friends. You need to look after yourself plus your baby. Your husband might be overwhelmed by the birth, and perhaps wasn't as prepared as he thought he was. Please keep posting too.
Hi all,
Well, my husband doesn't think he needs any help, and as far as he is concerned, I have done this and caused all these problems for us. According to him, I am solely to blame (he is not aknowledging that it is anything to do with having a baby, despite saying that everything changed 2-4 weeks after the baby was born...)
I am on maternity leave, but we were financially tight anyway. We had enough money coming in to pay mortgages and bills etc, but we had to scrimp a bit. I had already applied for child benefit, but not yet the tax credit. Presumably now my circumstances have changed I should let them know as I would be entitiled to more?
Anna, I really didn't see it coming. Everything was obviously different after buba was born, and I was obviously different after giving birth!!
I do need to take each day as it comes. I am terrible for looking too far in the future. For example we have a wedding abroad in September, and we booked the tickets the week before he left. The only consulation I am taking is that he said 'well we not expecting this to happen were we' when I said that we shouldn't have booked the tickets. So it sounds like it even took him by surprise!
I am going to mum and baby groups, but it tends to make things worse, as every single mum is married or in a relationship. There are no single parents at all! Are there any single parent mum and baby groups that anyone knows of?
Thanks so much for the support!
x
Don't try looking too far ahead at the moment.
xx
Hi MariaMaria84
Yes you should contact the Tax Credit people as soon as possible 0845 300 3900. It can be hard to get through, my tip is to phone at 8am as it opens, especially at the weekend. You also need to ask your mortgage provider what scheme they subscribe to for people in difficulty (there are different schemes)
As for single parent groups, you have not registered your location on your profile information so I cannot so a search for you. I suggest you look at this page and find your local Children's Centre as they will know what is around in your area
Hi MariaMaria84,
Point to note: When dealing with tax credit people, keep a record, it is even worth keeping a notebook, just to record phone calls and also to photocopy any forms you send them. They are well known for their mistakes and if you can't prove it or forget what you have told them, you may end up paying for it. I am not saying this to scare you, however having been receiving tax credits for years now and I wish I had kept a log!
There are very few single parent mums and toddler groups around the country at the moment, have a look at Your Local to see if we have found anything. If not Gingerbread have a page with their groups that are running, although you will need to register for the site to find out any information.
Also you might be interested in Meet-a-Mum.
I remember that feeling well, that everyone seems to be in a loving happy relationship, however it is rarely as idyllic as we imagine!
What about the wedding? Are you still planning on going? I hope so!
Hi,
Just read your post and thought you might appreciate a man's perspective. Most men, at some point after the birth of a baby, flip out to varying degrees as the sense of responsibility suddenly dawns on us. When my first was born I was as cool as a cucumber. 4-days after Mum and baby were home I woke at 2 am and had a panic attack, it was terrifying and I thought I was going to die. I've only ever had one other panic attack, when my second was born. I didn't equate how bad I felt with the baby being born, despite it being so damn obvious, and resigned from a brilliant job thinking it was to do with that. I ended up at the docs on medication and luckily, went on a course and it kind of broke the cycle for me. What you need to understand is that when a baby is born, as beautiful and miraculous as that is, we have no connection with it. We have to develop a relationship with them over time and up until the first smile, it's just an eating, pooing, crying machine that deprives you of sleep, deprives you of money and makes you a second class citizen in your own home. So even though we don't carry them or give birth, we don't have the natural connection and it's a massive shock. Sadly, your situation is not uncommon. I guess I'm saying don't give up on things yet. Relate is a great idea and if you are in contact with his parents or friends, try a little sideways influence and get them to convince him to go. This has nothing to do with you and how you are now you have a baby so please don't let your self esteem suffer.
Have just come on this site for the first time in a while, so only just seen the new posts!!
Thanks for the tips about tax credits and benefits, I need to sort this out asap.
Anna, yes I am still going to the wedding (it seems a shame to miss the free bar....). We have another wedding in a couple of weeks, but I may have to univite him (they are my friends rather than his).
So, my situation has not really changed over 2 months on. We are still living with our respective parents, and our house is still dormant. I had 'the talk' with him the other day, asking what we wants to do. He said he doesn't want to move back in, doesn't want to do counselling, and that he doesn't love me. I asked if wants a divorce, to which he replied 'I don't WANT a divorce, but I don't see any other option...'. He hasn't been taking his anti-depressants and refusese to get any help (counselling etc). Despite our financial situation (not exactly rolling in money), he has got himself an additional credit card (on which he bought a brand new Apple computer for £500, which he didn't need), and got a bank loan to buy himself a new sportscar, which has cost him a fortune to insure! (midlife crisis aged 27?). He has however been good about making sure the baby and I have money (I am only on maternity allowance of £500 per month).
In the meantime, I have been diagnosed with postnatal depression, and was on anti-D's for the past month (came off them about 2 weeks ago and feeling much better for it). I am also going to counselling, that has really helped!
It would have been our 2 year wedding anniversary on Thursday
MoonMonkey, thank you so much for your post, and for your honesty. It really did help to see it from the other side. I have been trying to take into account his feelings, and that the baby is alien to him (their relationship has deteriorated A LOT over the past 2 months - he was fine once the first 2 weeks of babys life, then things turned once he was back at work). This behaviour is not my husband, he is not being the man I married, its like a stranger. My husband was so caring and considerate. When I was pregnant, if we had a fight, he would always walk away and calm down before talking about it, so he wouldn't upset me, or show me any anger. I really hope that you are right, and that its nothing to do with me. He also had a panic attack (he told a mutual friend), and did talk to me when I was 5 months pregnant about being scared of fatherhood etc. He also said he was worried about me going into hospital (his mum died in hospital due to doctor error when he was 13), then the birth was fairly traumatic and we ended up in theatre, that I think scared him too. There is a lot at play, but he just doesn't seem to see it!
I've told him that I won't give up on our marriage, even though he clearly has. He knows I will be waiting for him.
Thanks again all, I should come on this site more often since the support is amazing!!
xx
Hi
I'm glad you're going to the wedding, and I'm glad that you've had treatment for PND.
My ex was greatly affected by the birth of the children, and I actually believed with the first two he had a type of PND. He'd wake up in the middle of the night searching for the baby, pulling the quilt off the bed and really getting very distressed.
The baby would be in the carry cot.
After that, I made sure only I got up in the night. I had the monitor under my pillow. He was better for sleeping. It was so hard for him I know.
I liked him then mind, which is why I'm calling him the ex rather than The Git 
Do pop in. Its good to know you you're doing.
Hello,
I read your post and had to reply. My partner of 7yrs left me when I was 9 weeks pregnant, we'd been trying for a baby for over a year when I had a miscarriage. We also realised that we were having some serious problems in our relationship and agreed to try and sort them out before starting a family. However I did get pregnant, it was an accident but these things happen. Anyway he told me that he thought we only had a change together if I 'got rid of it' - something I knew I could never do.
To cut a long story short I chose the baby and he left me. He too sufferes from depression which although he acknowledges isn't my fault, apparently he thinks most of our relationship problems were.
My son is turning 3 in a couple of weeks and with hindsight I can see that he did us a huge favor. He's proven himself to be unreliable, unpredictable and sometimes unstable. It took a long time but I know now that both my son and I are much better off without him in our lives on a daily basis. Of course I want my son to see him and grow up with a good relationship with his Dad, I think that would have been difficult with him more involved.
It's bloody hard work being a single Mum to a baby, as they grow older it becomes more physically challenging but even more rewarding. Make the most of your friends and family and revel in the special time you have with your son. I'm actually very happy now and even been internet dating this year - I hadn't been on a 'date' for nearly 14yrs and it's been a huge confidence boost!
As for your husband, well he's not being very adult about the problems you are facing. I know many men who have just left because they couldn't cope - but what about you? Well you will manage just because you have to, women are resorseful like that. Living with someone with depression is a real drain and difficult to understand. Admitting you have it yourself must be even harder. This does not excuse his behaviour though and you must try not to dwell on it, it's not your fault in any way. You have enough to deal with and therefore must focus on you and your son, your husband will have to sort himself out as no one else can do it and until he does he will struggle to maintain a healthy relationship with anyone.
Well I'm rambling but I could chat for ages about this subject! My main point is Don't Worry - there is love, light and laughter even after horribly painful experiences such as these.
Good luck
Hello Lornylorn
Thanks for sharing your story, and your inspiration!!!! You are right: it is VERY hard work and we have to concentrate on the rewards (our beautiful children) to get through sometimes but it is great to hear from you, and that your confidence is growing. How is your son?
Wow Lornylorn!
Your story really is inspirational, and is definitely something I need to hear right now. Like you probably remember, I don't really see a happy ending, and it's like I am going to feel like this forever. Yes, the idea of dating is so alien to me too. My husband and I were together since I was 16 (10 years ago), so I am scared stiff of ever comitting to, and trusting another man. And I mean not just for me, but the thought of trusting someone else with my son and this other man raising him (rather than his dad) really upsets me.
To be honest, I do think that in a few years I will look back in the same way as you have, and thank him for doing us a favor. He doesn't have a bond with the baby at all, and they are only getting more and more distant. It's just very hard to see past the hurt now I think and I really feel like I have let me son down
Thanks also Sparklinglime for your comments. Funny, I used to do the same thing looking for the baby under the quilts when he was in the carrycot. Because I had him in bed with us sometimes, I got really scared that I had rolled over him or something horrid!!
x
Hello again,
Oh I remember those dark days and if I think on them too much I sometimes still cry. So the pain hasn't gone away completely but because of everything I have been through I feel stronger and have a great relationship with my son. I remember thinking that I may feel better in a years time - but how long that year would seem! Actually it's all flying by, children have a habit of making time do that. For now think in little steps and do make the most of your friends and families company, you really find out who your friends are in times of crisis.
The mantra "keep calm and carry on" muttered under my breath as well as occasionally screaming into my pillow often helps! We all have ways of dealing with stuff, I found sites like this really helpful too. It's good to know there are other people in the same boat - as well as those who have come out the other side.
I'm pleased if I've been of some comfort to you, as I said before just focus on yourself and your son and you will be fine - oh and please don't ever think you have let your son down, you love him and nurture him which is more than a lot of children have.
x
Hi
It is good to share experiences, and help each other along. MariaMaria I do know exactly what you mean about trust, it is longterm thing. We have a useful article about Trust here
Hi everyone, just wanted to pop my head in and say Hallooo!
MariaMaria84 I am so glad to hear that you are going to the wedding in September, where is it??
Lornylorn, thanks for sharing your experience, many a wise word comes from someone who has been there. You are soo right, your message reminds me of the saying......what doesn't kill us makes us stronger!!
Hi, I have just posted on your other thread
It must have been such a shock for you, and to now have such a young baby to cope with, I imagine your hormones are still all over the place. You say you have family and friends to support you, do ask them to help you as much as they can right now.
I think you need to have some time to find your feet before thinking of the possibilities of meeting anyone else, take it one day at a time, you will get stronger and you will see that there is a future xxx