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Hello everyone, not been on here for a while and im sorry. I did try and log on a couple of months ago but i forgot my username. And this is long so dont feel the need to read it haha. Its just my rant.
Anyway since my friend who i am calling J commited suicide in June, i have been very angry, lost and alone.
'D' the babies dad somehow got my new address and has got in touch. He wants to see the baby when he gets out of prison in April. I reluctantly wrote back with an adimant no. I said he can only see the baby at a contact center. I think that is fair enough since he has a violent criminal history. I also metioned the sheer stupidity of some of the things he said in his letter (that college and university are a waste of time and it will just get the baby in debt so whats the point. And he basically said he wont pay for the child when he gets out, he wont encourage education as above, he wont tell 'his kid' lies and bring him up in the real world where its s**t so he doesnt get faulse hope) He did actually say all this and i have the letter to prove it.
So considering thats the way he feels, i dont feel comfortable with him seeing the child outside a contact center. He is obviously completly irresponsiable. And he also wanted to come and see the baby the day he got out of prison WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND and take my child for a walk. As if any person would allow someone who is a stranger to a baby just take the baby out for the day. How stupid is that ! Does he really think that is acceptable. If this was the other way around and he had the baby and i got out of prison, common sence would tell me that, that is a stuid idea and completly wrong in the sence that the child would feel scared, insecure and alone. Plus 'D's girlfriend has been in prison 3 times in the past for violence and she bottled her own sister in the face. So yeah im really going to allow my child to be around a woman like that.
I dont know if i ever mentioned that my youger brother was accused of rape in Febuary, but his name was cleared just before his 18th birthday in September. The day he got found innocent he went out and me and my mum have never heard from him since, its been over a month. All we do know is that he contacted the police and accused my mum of violence and harrasment when she tried to find him so now she has a harrasment/restraining order on her to stay away from him. Dont ask me why he did it but he is back on drugs and quite hapily walks past me and my daughter in the street. It breaks her heart.
My little sister now lives in Wales with my auntie. She is being home schooled there as my mum has lost faith with the education system. My sister was 11 and couldnt read or write at all. She has been with my auntie (a university lecturer) less than a month ad she is reading Charles Dickens. So im really really happy for her.
My mum is still drinking. Not last week but the week before, she drank two half bottles of brandy and fell ontop of the coffee table. My little sister who was visiting was very frightened and my daughter said ''Oh i thought grangma was going to die then''. I had a go at my mum but it didnt stop her, she just carried on the next day. Then on Sunday just gone, it was my mums birthday. I woke up and gave her the presant i had spent £35 on for her. It was her favorite perfume. I really couldnt afford it but i knew it would make her happy. She was gracious then said ''Go and buy your mum a bottle of wine since its my birthday'' So i did. I had £6 to my name and spent £5 of it on her wine. She said thankyou, cracked it open the second she got it (about 11.20am) drank it within half an hour. Made a sandwich then began to get abusive towards me. She suddenly from no where said a smarmy comment to me and my daughter ''f***ing nice kids i have. My birthday and none of them are here. Just you two. And you dont get off your f***ing a**e anyway do you ? My birthday and i had to wake up and make my own brew, do the dishes and hang the washing out'' So i said (and maybe i shouldnt have done) ''Im not being funny but on my birthday i did exactly the same. I bought you an expencive perfume and a bottle of wine and then you go and act like that that. For my birthday i got a towel off you and nothing else. You just got £500 off your mum, £300 worth of clothes and auntie just gave you over a hundren pounds. Your birthday has been great. So dont be ungreatful. And dont let (Daughters name) feel like we arent good enough to be here''
Then my mum went completly loopy. She screamed ''Get your things and anything that belongs to you and them kids out my house now'' (i was storing baby stuff there as she has a 4 bed house and i have a tiny 2 bed flat.) I started to get things sorted, my daughter got hungry so i made her a quick sandwich and soup, then carried on getting stuff. My mum stormed out the house, i felt upset and had to sit down for a minute. I was crying then my mum came back, so i wiped my tears (im not letting her know she has upset me) then i went to get my daughter to put her coat on.
Next thing i know the massive box full of the steraliser, bottle warmer, baby monitors, nappies and breast pump is thrown down the stairs. Missing me and my daughter by centermiters. She ran down stairs throwing my moses basket, pram, baby clothes and other bits into the garden. She pushed me and my daughter out and locked the door. She then opened it and said ''I dont ever want to see you again ok. Never'' then closed the door again. It took me about an hour to box all that dirty baby stuff back up. And it took 3 trips to mine from my mums with all the stuff. It was nearly 10pm when things were sorted and my daughter had gone without dinner. I sent her to bed with some fruit (i had no gas to cook) then i sat and cried.
My little girls entire world consisted of my mum, brother and my little sister. Every single one of those people have gone. I had no money and wasnt due any so the next day after i had dropped my little one off at school i went to my mums friend who gave me £20 for gas and electric. I called my auntie who put £20 into my bank for food. And now i have nothing left. My benefits were changed from income support to JSA for two weeks at the jobcenters advice then i had to claim Income Support again and i wont get my first payment for two weeks. My JSA was suspended and i was aked to pay back £280. Because i apparently wasnt entitled to it in the first place ! I get £50 o Monday but i dont see how that is going to see us through the week. Gas alone is £30-£40 a week. So it will leave me with either no electric or no food. I cant do the washing as its costing so much so i cant wash the babies things, I cant ut the heating on at all because it costs £10 a day (and thats after 2 hours of heating) so we are washing in the sink with water from the kettle. I am not eating because i cant afford the food and i cant tell you how hungry i am. I had a cerial bar thing today and thats it. Yesterday i had a quorn sandwich and my daughters left over pasta and the day before that i had nothing at all. I am not exagerating at all either. I am really hungry and cold.
Not to mention i have social services on my back. My midwife is working with me to get rid of them. About 3 weeks ago now i got chest pains and could hardly breath so my midwife sent me to the doctor. She looked me over, said i was ok and it was stress induced and sent me home. I got a phone call the next day from a social worker saying the doctor was cocerned i couldnt cope with my daughter and my pregnancy ! The cheek of it. So thats the last time i EVER go to a doctor when im sick. Id rather kill myself than let those people come near or have my children. Never will those people even get a sniff of my babies. it made me so angry that i went to see someone because of this and they just put more stress on me. So my midwife made a complaint to the board of the national health service thing. All i want is a sorry though.
Anyway sorry for my rant lol. I know its long and i dont expect anyone to read it but i just needed to blow out. I cant do it any where else with out looking like a crazy woman haha so i did it here for all you poor people to get it in the neck lol.
Lola Ann Mitzy, it is good to hear from you again but I am truly shocked at all you have gone through.
You need help...and fast. A crisis loan? click here. Foodbank? click here, Salvation Army, click here. You could also ring your LOCAL branch of The Samaritans (google that) and see if there are any projects locally that could help (sometimes there are church initatives or food kitchens)
In the meantime, rack your brains for someone who would help you out, at least by giving you and your daughter a hot meal
I contacted the local food bank today and they told me that the food bank is only open monday-friday 9am-12pm and to make an appointment with the CAB to get tockens for the food bank. But the CAB isnt open till Moday at 1.30 and they dont seem to do emergency appointments. Also the food bank told me they can only provide upto 2 days of breakfast and dinner but not lunch and/or snacks and they dont provide milk. So even if i get these tockens, i will still have to buy those extras as milk, healthy snacks and a lunch is important for my daughter. Saying that though she will be at school so i suppose she wont need the lunch. I have tried to make some money, i have been trying to sell things. Like my coffee machine, juicer, some clothes and shoes and the babies pram. I thought the pram was a good idea as people always want baby stuff. It was a brand new pram, never used and it was a travel system but everyone just turns it down the minute i tell them it hasnt got swivel wheels ! Odd bunch. I have tried to contact my auntie again, but she is busy. As well as being a university lecturer she own a 4* Guest house so you can imagine the work load she has every day. I will try again tomorrow and see if she can give me another £20. I hate begging off her. I love her so so much and id hate her to think im using her as my own personal bank account.
I am sure she will not think that Lola Ann Mitzy and I am also sure she would not want you and your little one to be cold and hungry. You have been really proactive in trying your best to see what is available...if for any reason you cannot get hold of your auntie then do try the local branch of Samaritans.
Hi Lola Ann Mitzy. I'm sorry you're having such an awful time at the moment. Do keep ringing your Auntie though. She'll understand completely, and want to help (('m sure) in anyway that she can. How about your neighbours? Could you perhaps go to them? Trying to think of cheap meals for you and daughter. Tuna and Pasta? Fishfingers, potatoes (even tinned ones) beans, spaghetti, peas. Mince and pasta. I tend to shop at Iceland, and you do get cheaper things in there. When will the Income Support be sorted out? Can you take out a crisis loan with them? Not ideal I know, but it'll help you back on your feet for a while. The gas. Change from the meter if you can. I found the meter to be so expensive, and it certainly ate the money. I now have a gas card, which I pay every fortnight. Much better all round.
Really hope you can get something sorted, foodwise, today.
Hi still not got hold of my Auntie but she knows i have tried to get in touch so she sent me an Email saying she will ring me tonight. I dont know any of my neighbours really. The people in the flat down from me are not very nice at all. They hate hearing my daughter running about and are always complaining. The woman next door too me is an alcoholic and the people across from me are heroine addicts, haha so i dont think any of them would help. Other people near by are rather elderly and the old man i speak to all the time has just had a stroke. Otherwise i would have asked him as he is so lovely. Food wise i try and do everything on the cheap. I only buy Morrisons or Asda own brand and if they dont have it in own brand i dont buy it. Apart from our speciality food. Me and my daughter are vegetarian and 2 bags of Morrisons meat-free mince can be £6. There are times i have spent £8 on two things. And i cant cut out all protein as my little one needs it. I try to give her at least one meal a day with protin. She isnt a hard child to feed either, her favorite meal of all time is a salad believe it or not. She is quite happy to just eat a plate of veg for dinner. She usually does that anyway haha. Eats all her veg and leaves her pie or something. So i try and give her 5 different veg on her plate with dinner to fill her up because i know what she is like. I usually make my own pies from left over sunday dinner and the only bread i can make is chapati. So i just buy bread. But anyway after buying the mince or chicken style pieces im left with very little for more food.
I try to make as much as i can, home made. Left over mash or boiled potatoes gets a cup of flour thrown in to make a dough for a pizza base. And i always have one of those jars of ready made pasta sauce to use on the top. I will buy balls of mozzerelle or feta cheese for 24p as the topping. I make my own curry sauce from a tin of coconut milk and loads of spices, I make my own pasta sauces and pestos, pans of stew galore, Irish, scotch broth, scouse etc and i bulk them out with barley or lentils. And use any of them left overs as pie filling. I make my own doughs and pastries. Apart from bread, just cant get the hang of that haha. I make my own cakes for my daughters pudding and sometimes buy a tin of custard so she can make a fake creme brulee, her favorite. So i do try. But i just cant seem to make ends meet. I struggled when my money was in order ever mind now when im living off my daughters child tax and child benefits.
It's true that Income Support is a pretty tight budget and people I know that live ok on it do so because they have a handy parent who has them round to dinner a couple of times a week or treats them to things.
When is your baby due?
In 8 weeks :) Quite looking forward to it. Im having a little boy as well so i now have a prince and a princess. I have already picked his name haha
I do hope that all the benefits can be sorted double quick so you can enjoy this next few weeks and look forward
Hi Lola Ann Mitzy! Nice to 'see' you again! I am sorry to read all that has gone on for you since we last chatted, but great to read and hear your excitement of the imminent arrival of your baby boy. Is you daughter excited?
She is more excited than me ! She calls him 'Our Baby'. And every morning when i drop her off at school, she kisses my bump and says ''See you later brother'' and at night she kisses my bump goodnight too. When we are in a bath together she even washes my bump. She became really, really interested in the baby and the babies growth etc, so i ended up having to buy one of those pregnancy books with a week-by-week pictures and baby development. She still now sits and reads it for ages haha. She did start to ask what the 'things' were around the baby pictures. I didnt know if i should tell her or not but i did. She now knows what a womb is, bladder, bowels, umbilical cord and amniotic sack lol. If i bend she panics and shouts ''You will hurt my baby !'' haha. And she tells me off for drinking tea hahaha. I feel like i have a hard up health visitor in my house 24/7. She was there for the 21 week scan and was so happy when she was told he was a boy. She really wanted a little brother and when she is there for the midwife appointments the midwife lets her find the heart beat. I think it's wonderful she is so interested. And im glad she is excited about baby at age 5, because my mum had my brother when i was 4 and i hated him with a passion haha. So i was quite worried she could turn the same way. All she ever does is talk about him, she even helped choose his name.
hi lola i av message u on ere bfore, aw u av 8 weeks to go, not long really, im on benifitas it is hard, i struggle little bit. but i get by i av elp as well off family, my little girl was 2 last friday, xx
Sorry to hear whats been going on for you Lola Ann Mitzy, wow just eight weeks to go, i think it's great that your daughter has taken such an interest in your pregnancy, i hope you get the benefits sorted soon.
Hi Lola, i no its not nice having social services around I've had them in my life for 10 months now because of my ex. I was scared and cried loads at first, then I realised I'm a good mum so they can do what they want but they not taking my kids. You could ask a health visitor or social worker advice on food. I have a few farms next to me, one puts trays of eggs out and just asks for a small donation, others sell big bags of potatoes maybe it would be worth a try. Also my local university does wholesale food trays really cheap, a large family size tray of fruit and veg is £8 so maybe it would be worth looking into something like that. I think you should be entitled to a heating voucher for the winter too. It's social services who can really help you with that side of things by letting you no everything your entitled too. They also have charities set up to help people out. It's all worth a try. I no I've never been so hard up as what I am now in all my life. It has caused me many sleepless nights. You need to ask your friends for support!
Its good you have a rant on here, it does the world of good to be able to offload especially if your on your own. I kind of no how you feel as I'veonly gomany mum and that's it, I have friends but don't like to put on them.
Good luck with the baby and I hope you get things sorted :)
hi sarah ive ad social on my case as well cos my violent ex then case closed then thoyght they b on my case again but luckikly heard nothing, cafcass said im to ac nothin to do with him or il b 1 step from care procedings, well sod tht,soav ad not contact, ex not allowed see our little girl found out in court he as very violent past i new nothin bout and also he as secret life new baby girlfriend, cudnt believ it, wasnt gud relationship,emotionaly abusive, harassing me,threatenin me, following me, he did seriously assault me on holiday , got rid of him in may with help of police and soliciter and help of support worker i was classed as very high risk, i hate him, hes not allowed contact, ive dun freedom programme which as elped plus doin one to one counselling thru wave, so im alot better , how are things with u then, do u ever see ur ex my little girl is 2x
Hi Lola Ann Mitzy, its lovely to hear about your daughter and the relationship she has grown with 'the bump', long may it last! (Thinking of her being a 'cool' 15yr old and not wanting her 10 yr old brother hanging around!!)
It sounds as though you are very inventive and careful with your food and make some interesting dishes!
sarah catherine gave a good idea for talking more with your health visitor about what is available locally.
You poor, poor thing.
I wish I knew what to say. I'm glad the midwife is supporting you.
Loads of hugs.