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Hello,
I hate my teenage son, his expressions his nigativite, his clumsly awkward and not very on the ball, he's lazy and slothenly he pull expressions which anoy me, his quite disrespectful. His a little bit fat and he's really boring. I struggle with him. I don't want to be around him. We have very little in common. He is quite mean to his younger sister and sometimes the way he looks at her I find a bit creepy.
There I've said what I think. I can't help feeling like this, I don't want to feel like this. He's 19 and i suspect he has some aspergers. His little sister is the opposite a delight even.
what can I do to love him agan.
I really do understand where you're coming from.
I've had many issues with my oldest - who is 22 this week. He walked out of college last year, and although he does have a job, he has an 8 hour contract with additional overtime. Trying to get him to pay me housekeeping is a nightmare. He hardly ever helps around the house and has been completely disrespectful.
However, the last couple of months things do seem to have improved and I do almost like him again now.
Sending loads of strength your way.
Sorry for the unhelpful reply, but just off to work...
My son doesn't have any friends just acquaintances, his phone doesn't ring. His self isteem is low. it's so iimportant that i am kidn to him, but I am frustrated with hm i want to shout at him. He argues about little things. Sometimes i can see his tryng to get into my good books or reach out to me. But he frustrates me. I've met adults males with his characteristics and i don't like them they don't have values that i like. A bit dopey, head in the clouds. I thnk "how are you gonna get a job if you can't follow simple instruction" then I feel worried and angry that he doesn't try harder. And i'll shout at him when hes done wrong, when it is better for me to just talk or ignore. I need to be a better parent and patent and nurturing, he failed his first year at college and is repeating this year and he's still not working.
I actually have considered drinking as I find him so stressful. We've recently moved to a smaller house and are haveign to spend much more time together whch isn't helping. Part of what i don't like in him is seeing my own negative behaviour coming back at me in the form of him, I have been lazy and rude about people in hiis presence and impatient with him, but...ah well!!
Thanks Sally, he's not been diagnosed but he does have a lot of traits. He likes football and he does like cookng wth me so those are things that i could do with hm.
Sparklingtime, thanks i'm glad things are improving hope they continue to.
Sorry this is a longer post than i expected just started talking abut ths and it's like i can't stop.
Hi Sienna
I don't have teenagers but I can definitely relate to reacting to things you see in them coming back at you. I try to use it to help - so I think about what helped/would have helped me at that stage of life and/or with those characteristics and then help him in that way.
It's very difficult when they're being obnoxious but even when he doesn't appear to be reaching out to you he is desperate to be close and to have your approval. He needs you to build his self-esteem so maybe you could think about some practical steps towards that.
Does his weight bother him or is it just you? If he is bothered you could help him go to the gym or join a club he is interested in. Give him lots of positive messages - never express doubt at his ability to do it even if you think it.
He clearly needs to make friends so again you could facilitate that. Help him have friends over and help him with interests that he could share with others/clubs that he could join.
If you think he is aspergers and it is affecting him life adversely maybe you could pursue a diagnosis? There are social clubs for people on the autistic spectrum which could be useful. Do you think you might be autistic yourself?
Is there a social club in your town or something you could both get involved in? Plenty of social clubs/working mens clubs have events that all of the family can join in with. He sounds disconnected so I would concentrate on connecting with him yourself and then connecting him with others.
One thing that came across to me in your post was a feeling of despondency/helplessness. I know the time we have the most chance of affecting change in our children is under the age of 8, but as parents we can still have a profound impact as they get older.
You obviously love him it's just hard to like him at the moment. You have to respect who he inherently is and work on loving him for who he is, but that doesn't mean you have to give up and let him turn into what you hate.
Think about what is reasonable to expect as a minimum and I would think having at least one good friend, preferably two, is important for human beings. If you can help him move towards that you would be giving him a massive boost. You're not going to change him into some gregarious social butterfly because that wouldn't be him, but he needs to be able to form relationships with others and reap the benefits that brings.
You could try using moving into the smaller place as a way to bring you together. Maybe sit down with him and make some house rules. Ask him how he would like your life together to be. Does he secretly want to play board games with you of an evening for example! You could make a rule that you have to go out together once a week and do something fun and you either take turns to decide what it is (and the other one has to do it) or you each put suggestions in a box.
My children are small but my son's selfishness has been getting out of hand and it is affecting his life outside the home now so I've made some radical changes. They have responded really well. If you are able to be committed to it, making drastic changes can really help get you out of a rut.
You could also use this new system you create to help him with following instructions etc. It sounds like you are worried about his future because he has his head in the clouds. Maybe you could go back a step and teach him from scratch again? So for example, when you first gave him instructions as a small boy you would have only given one at a time and given praise after each one was followed. Eventually you were giving strings of instructions. It could be worth a try to go back a stage, although I appreciate it required patience!
Have you read any parenting teenagers books? If not I'm sure people can make some suggestions. I remember reading a book called "Whatever" when I was working with young people and it was really helpful. Also "How to talk so children will listen and listen so children will talk" or something although you have to pick out the teenage bits in that one.
The other thing you could do is try and work on your laziness, rudeness and impatience seperately. As you work on yourself you will get more insight into what you can do to help him.
Hope this helps - good luck
Gem
x
Thanks for all your posts, especially Gem, who wrote such a lot all really great advice especially in terms of what I expect from him and us connecting. I will ask about board games even cooking is something I know he likes to do with me it can kill 2 birds with one stone in that the instructions are built into the activity we are doing. I've realised that I need help, sometimes more than him. When we are not together I spend my time thinking how bad a mum I am and then i think how much he annoys me. Sometimes when we're in the house together i find myself finding fault with him before he's done anything. For example if he's doing something I'll be watching him thinking I bet he screws that up. Then when he does I won't say anything to him but in my mind I'm thinking " you useless idiot, why are you so useless" as I write thta I know it sounds awful. I just struggle to value who he is. My son is very kind, he doesn't bully. He tries to do the right thing he can be conscientious and he's a sensitive soul adn very intelligent, but I don't appreciate that I want him to be gregarious as you say Gem, I want him to be outgoing and talkative, but instead I jsut get one word answers in his usual dopey style. I hope I am not offending any one but I am just getting this off my chest it has been strored up for so long and I have struggle to look at thiings differently, but I jsut can't. Idon't want to feel like this towards him, I jsut can't reconcile the cute little baby that I brought home with the man in the house now, I have done so much for him and I wanted something else back in return. I am trying to appreciate his characteristics. I know I sound awful and as i write I feel that it is me who needs to change. My son would never think the horrible things that I'm thinking about me.
Hello Sienna, I think it is brilliant that you have been honest about the way you are feeling, so many times parents don't like to talk about things and it is beter to be open and explore what is going on for you. I do understand what you mean as I have brought up two boys myself.
I agree with everything that has been said so far. Encouraging at least one friendship would be good and also spending time together. Say to yourself "he gets on my nerves and he is a difficult person to get on with BUT showing him my irritation will only make things worse and I want things to be better. This is the first step in my plan!" That will help you feel more patient with it all. We can support you through a stepped plan if that is what you would like...but try those few things to improve your relationship as the first moves......
Hi Sienna
I think your post is great. I love the way you list the things you like about him - that's really important. Try and keep a list handy and add to it whenever something else comes to mind, or he says or does something, no matter how small, that doesn't irritate you!
He isn't the person now who he is going to be as an adult I'm sure - he's still a child really trying to lean how to be independent and seperate from you in his own way. If you persevere through it you will have a better relationship as an adult. I'm sure he does appreciate you he just can't show it.
Parenting really is a thankless task!
I just wanted to say about his personality, loads of parents find the personality of one or more of their children difficult (either because they're the opposite or they're too alike!!) It's really normal so don't beat yourself up about it.
It sounds like you're surprised about the strength of your feelings - expressing it is really good as is looking for a way forward which you are doing. It makes you a pretty great Mum actually!!
Keep at it and keep posting
Love Gem
x
Thanks so much again for all your comments I am feeling so supported and positive. And Yes Louise I would love a plan, I'm lost and can't do this alone. I know that.
I only have a 18 months with him maximum (if his plans to go to uni go ahead) and I don't want to waste it. I have copied and pasted the mantra which I will keep repeating. I really ranted earlier. I have a much younger daughter and I'm a much better mum to my little girl, and I hate that my son has missed out so I'm desperately trying to be a great mum to him and give him the chances that my daughter is going to get. But the pressure of squeezing that in the next 18month is making me crazy. My daughter is the opposite of my son, she is lively and charming. She's like the golden girl she's going to have the best of me. I've made the mistakes with my son he has the worst of me. I hate the thought of that. That I've given my son less of chance in life and my daughter is going to have all the chances. I feel a tinge of sadness when I see all the attention she gets and friends she has compared to my son, who has nothing, although we've tried just about every group going from football to yoga to acting. Maybe it's too much??? I can not stop talking about this, I really do appreciate everyone who has commented all with understanding at this difficult time in my life. Wish I'd come across here years ago.
You can't compare the two things. You were in a different place in your life when you had him - you were probably almost a completely different person! You can only do what you can do at the time you can do it.
I can see now how the 18 months is causing you a lot of anxiety. Maybe instead of the things we discussed above, you could just concentrate at first on showing him how much you love him and how much he means to you?
He probably sees it completely differently to you. Has he ever expressed that you favour his sister? He most likely just thinks you two are completely different beings being girls so it's no wonder you're close.
It shows what a good Mum you are that you are being hard on yourself right now, but it's never too late. It sounds like he is going to need your support in the next few years. Helping him prepare for Uni and encouraging him and supporting him with his Uni work and learning to look after himself is a huge gift you can give him.
We don't always have to give to our kids evenly. Sometimes one kid will need more of us. His time is now and your relationship with your daughter is strong enough to survive a bit less input now.
Don't compare their personalities. They are two totally different people.
Good luck
x
Hello again, GEM is right, you were in a different place at different times and you can only do the best that you can do in any given situation.
Ok so a plan. Stage one is some quality time just the two of you and reminding yourself that not showing your irritation is the best thing while this happens. So what will you plan to do with him first? How about saying to him how much you want to spend time with him and seeing what he suggests first....and having a back-up plan if you get a teenage "Dunno" ?
I failed the first step he put out of place I came down on him. I feel like a bully. We were having a nice evening. Everything was going well I felt great I got some of his favourite goodies. I was being really nice and loving and caring. Looking at him with new eyes. I felt so relaxed I pulled a stupid face at him and he snapped at me really aggressively. I told him that wasn't very nice, he says it serves me right if I sit there staring like a retard then I deserve it. I say well you could have just said don't do that mum, i don't like it and he said well I told you once it's your own fault. I then said. "why don't you try being nice" he said i would be you were just gawping. I said you won't get far like that in life. He told me his mannerisms will get him far. We argued back and forward a few minutes and then I went to bed. Muttering I was just making a joke. I think by then he could see he overreacted. But then so did I. I could've just ignored him, too. Vicious cycle
You have not failed Sienna, The steps can take a while to get it right, you just have to keep trying. It is really easy to get drawn in, my son does that to, i have tried to ignore what he is saying whilst we are having time together and tackle him about his behaviour and language at another time.
Hey Sienna,
without reading up on everything - I have three teenagers at home at the moment, 15, 17 and almost 19. I don't always like them or their attitude, but then it is easy to see what they should be doing from the outside.
So here's what I do: I sit and watch them play the horrible horrible games (GTA, COD) ready with the laptop to help them in their quests. I praise them like mad for anything good they do. I try to ignore when they don't do what I ask right away (eg take out the bin, hoover etc.); yes, this means most of the time I end up doing it myself, but slowly it is getting better. No3 son was awful when I first joined here and others from the forum will tell you he's changing around. So perseverance works.
By the way - (I just read the last of your posts now): you did not fail at all. I dare say you've told him to stop something more than once and have told him he should have stopped it the first time you asked - he's obviously picked up from you :-) Look for little bits like that and concentrate on that you have had a really nice evening - and not the whole evening was ruined, it was just a few minutes of it.
My son apologised for being so snappy with me. He said I was right that it sourts the mood when he responds like that. I felt so bad. I aplogised to and said that I didn't need to respond like that towards him either.
Hi Louise: I missed your post last night I was to busy upsetting my self over an argument I had with him. I'm gonna ask him today what he would like to do. A couple of things that I have for back up are a board game which I don't own at the moment (if anyone has any suggestions) and cooking. Probably trying to perfect the spag bol.
Everyone's help is really appreciated here, I feel that I am really supported. I have always been a single parent even when I was living with his father. when he left if felt manageable, too. But now for the first time it's unmanageable for me. I wish I could change the title of my thread as it's not true, anymore. I don't think it ever was. But thanks to the input here and such positivity which is just carrying me through at the moment I can see that now.
Thanks Hopeful, it's true the evening was more of a success than a failure. I do need to just shut-up though. I just don't seem to be able to hold my tongue.
Sally: yes that is true. If I tell myself I will talk to him later it will preserve our happy time. Plus I can plan my talk with him in a more measured way rather than flying off the handle.
Thanks all.
Will let you know our plan.
Hi Thanks, Sparkle for your comments not unhelpful at all, just glad to know that I am not completely alone.
I am glad that you feel supported, it is awful feeling like your on your own with something.
You could give your son the opportunity to decide what to cook for dinner, mine love choosing and helping to cook dinner, i use it as a reward when they have done something good at school or home. Anything sweet is always a winner.
As for games you could see if there is a local Toy library (click for link) near you they loan games and toys or see if any of your friends have the game your looking for that you could borrow, charity shops are also a good place to look.
If you really wanted to change the name of your post you can, lets us know what you prefer and we can change it.
thanks Sally had the conversation with my son. And we decided on monopoly or scrabble. So I'll pick one of those up. Because i am very new to the area (2months). I don't have anyone to ask as yet. But don't mind getting one from tescos/argos.
I can almost congratulate myself. I managed to adopt an even keel over something that I've been badgering him to do and he has still not done. normally I will shout at him "do you want be a loser all your life". I will feel rage at the thought of him being a down and out just because he can't be bothered to do something for himself and then he'll be annoyed at me going on about it, then we'll argue and I'll hate him. But the support I've had in terms of everyone goes through it, it gave me the strenght. I sucked it up and tried to think "well he doesn't have to be a go getter, superorganised and there's plenty of time to change anyway. I just relaxed. I can revisit this later when I am fully calm. thanks again.
Hi Sally I think I'll keep the title for a little while and I can see how far I've come in the next few days weeks. But hope the offer is open to change further down the line??? 
Hi Sienna, WELL DONE. Sometimes I think it really, really helps to just "listen" to ourselves. That's not to say that we have to let teens walk all over us, but the first step is really establishing the close and fun relationship and once we have that firmly in place, it finally becomes robust enough for us to start pulling rank a bit and insisting on better behaviour (that's the theory behind it anyway!)
It's so great that you have had input here from several different parents and now you know you are not alone. And the thread title can be changed by Sally or myself at any time 
Hi
Well done for looking for ways to improve your relationship with your son. I have four of the same variety so life can sometimes be difficult. What I have realised is that I dont always like what they do but it doesnt stop me loving them. Generally we all get along well but I have realised that the male species are a bit of a lazy lot and need prodding to pick up smelly socks and pants off their bedroom floors!!!
When things are not going so well, we have agreed to take time out, sit down and air our grievances without shouting or being nasty towards each other. If possible, we will go out of the house to do this as this can just add to frustration when you can still see some of the problem.
My elder son is very quiet and will disappear for days into his bedroom, the middle two are boisterous, and the little one is a bit of a mix of all of this. DVD nights and games nights are great and help to bring us together as a family.
Take Care
I like your idea Abra of meeting out of the house and airing your differences.
Hi Sienna and welcome to One Space,
The Teen years can be tough for young people and their parents, for the teen there is so much going on they are trying to find there place in the world, hormones going all over the place etc. That's not to say it is not tough on us parents.
You say you think he might have some aspergers, have you taken him to the doctor to get him assessed?
As for how you have desribed your sons behaviour it is pretty much the norm for them to behave that way, I think they need more parenting at this stage than at any other, putting in good boundaries and rules in place is a good start.
The other thing that is majorly important is spending time with him, this can be a struggle when their behaviour is awful and all they want is to be doing stuff with friends or glued to some electronic device.
It is good for them to have us find an interest in what they are doing, I have a saying "if you can't make it, fake it" this just means that when you have no common interests with your child then you have to fake it, i have spent hours doing things that are off no interest to me, but because they are important to my kids, i make the effort, it is also good for their self esteem.
What interests does your son have? is he still in education?
I could go on but don't want to overwhelm you with to much at once, what do you think about spending some quality time with your son?