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Hi all things slipped back to us being together the last time my ex was over then he left and things have gone back the same. I've decided once and for all it's time to move on and I'm doing great.
My main concern and where I want advice is with my daughter it seems that when I'm not with her dad he can't seem to have a relationship with her as he lives away I know travelling to see her is difficult and can only see her every 2-3 months however since he left he's which was a month ago he's only spoken to her once on the phone. My concern is that he's doing what my dad with me is just turning up in her life and disapeering again it had a huge negative impact on my life and I don't want the same for her. I've told him my thoughts and feelings on this but nothing has changed, is it fair for me to stop his contact with her altogether unless he can prove to me that her wellbeing and priorities come first. I know the only reason he's moved away is because we cannot be together however I think he should be here for his daughter regardless of our situation and our feelings for one and other and his daughter shouldn't suffer because of it. I think it is selfish that he's living away because he can't handle his emotions towards me and needs to put his daughter first. I too want to be with him but we can't and our daughter needs to come first. Am I right in saying he can't see her anymore because he just disapeers as and when he feels like in and out of her life without a word and she has no idea when he'll show next or where he's gone and doesn't speak to him from one month to the next they used to be so close but now she never mentions him
She's 3 years old. I feel very confused about what to do I did feel it messed with my head but not until I reached late teens when it came to meeting boys I craved for love that I never got from my father and went off the rails so to speak. I still in a way resent my dad I try not to but he was never there for me yet he is for his other children because he blamed the situation and that's exactly what my ex is doing now. Saying it's the situation that's stopping him being with her, seeing her and speaking to her I can just see it all happeing again and I don't want her to go through what I went through. When maybe if I stopped contact and made it difficult for him he would have to think again about what he's doing and possibly change his ways because I'm not putting it on a plate for him as and when he pleases because he says his mind isn't in the right place.
Hi ELP, nice to 'see' you again 
It sounds as though you have probably been on quite a roller coaster ride since we last 'saw' you.
We can't make our ex's take responsibility to see their children, they are grown adults and it is up to them. Does he only visit when you call him to ask when he is next coming, or does he call you to arrange it?
I feel that it is important for a child to know their other parent and if he can only manage once a year, then so be it - it is how we deal with it, that is important.
I think sometimes we place a lot of emphasis to our children about their 'other' parent, so they then feel they are missing out if they don't have regular or good contact, but if we ensure that they know that they are ours and this is their life, then when their other parent visits and we make no big deal out of it, they see it for what it is.
You mentioned that you had a friend that could act as a go between, is this still a viable option?
The thing is growing up my mum was great with me about my dad never said a bad word she never knew when he would call and when he showed up she was always polite and left us to spend time together, when I was older she told me that I could see him and she helped me find him but he always let me down aever gave her opinion always said ithat I needed to get to know him myself and get my own opinion of him. So I can't see it being any deffierent for her. He would see her whever he came back over to this country which would be every few months sometimes longer I don't know. Maybe talk on the phone I would never stop it I ask her now does she want to ring him as I can ring him for her but she says no. He doesn't ring her. I think even if he did ring her I don't know if she would speak to him now. I haven't said anything to him about him I don't agree with any of that and when she used to ask I tell her where he's gone and that he'll be back soon and that he loves her very much. He's back in this country next week but I haven't asked him if he's seeing her and he hasn't mentioned to me that he wants to see her so I haven't told her anything yet because I don't want to get her hopes up.
Should I ask him is he seeing her next week while he's over or leave it to him? He's told me he doesn't want to see me because of what happened last time and he has a girlfriend and he cheated on her with me but hasn't mentioned anything about seeing our daughter so should I approach this or leave it because it's his responsibility. I feel like I'm constantly pestering him to be a dad and to accept his responsibilities and a part of me wants to see if he'd come over here to visit and if I don't push it if he'd go a whole visit being only 8 miles down the road without seeing his daughter.
I can only go by what happened with me, and you need to do what you feel is right.
My youngest was 5 when we split up, and oldest was 12 - and the oldest has been effected the most be the anger of his Dad cancelling seeing them. He can deal with the 'just turning up' scenario...
We had mediation, and in that I asked that he saw more of the children than he proposed. Even the mediators did their best.
When contact started to break down and the children were effected. I asked him to stop cancelling time, as the children were expecting to be with him. I went down the solicitor route too, but that didn't work either. It was my brother-in-law who suggested the 24 hour notice if he wanted to see them - but I had the right to say no, which he had to accept. It was only once I had to say no.
I have never approached him since to see them. It is his responsibility to have - or not to have - a relationship with his children.
I think you're wise not telling you daughter that he is going to be about. She's not going to be let down then. If he chooses to see her it can be a nice suprise.
My ex moved away 20 months ago. His wife's daughter is in University 10 miles away from us. He will collect his step-daughter and take her back to Uni without seeing this lot.
The children don't know this. I know as my in-laws would tell me.
When they were little I always told my lot how loved they are by me and their Dad. I think they do need to believe that.
Personally, I wouldn't be asking if he's planning on seeing her. Perhaps not arranging things that aren't flexible in case he does ask... It is his responsibility, and really not your place to push him.
I learnt with anger and frustration that it isn't my place to push ex into seeing the children. Such wasted energy when I can be having fun with my lot.
I can only imagine that understanding how you have been with your Dad that your daughter is going to have an amazingly understanding Mum over things as she grows up.
Thank you so much sparkling lime I think I will definitily do that and leave it him. It just infuriates me how someone cannot seperate a relationship from the mother and their children now that we're not together he's not even nearly as interested in her as he used to be. How can you not be interested or your first thought when in close proximity after a length of time being away from themm be to see them immediately when they're so innocent so beautiful and clearly need both parents as a stable constant role in their life. I want to shake him and make him realise I know I can't do ay of this because I have told him over and over, I'm just bewildered how someone can walk away and put their own flesh and blood to the back of their mind. Not knowing what their doing from one day to the next.
Thinking back as a child I didn't mind my dad turning up unannounced it was as I got older and I found him he used to make promises and never delivered then would disappear again. I guess in the mean time as she's young I can go down this path of having him seeing her whenever he comes over and as she gets older hopefully find a soloution with him that he won't let her down and maybe by then he would have got his priorities right who knows
I find the broken promises are what get to this lot.
As they've got older they seem to have sorted things out. What bugs me is the drama he makes when saying goodbye as it upsets the children (they're quite grown up now, I know). He weeps and wails and hugs them and says how much he loves and misses them. When really, a hug and 'see you next time' would be so much kinder.
I don't understand it, I have to say.
Sorry to rabbit on so much about my lot here...
not at all!! It's so nice (no offence) to know your not the only one that's going through all this and your ex isn't the only idiot in a sense out there when it comes to their own kids and other kids are doing fine. My worry like I said was adolecense that's when it had a real impact on me but I guess knowing what I went through I can prepare for it and hopefully support her, and who knows maybe by then I may have a very supportive partner by then that could be a good role model for her where she may not look for what I did as that's what I missed out on. I don't know we're all different but I'm so adamant for her not to go through or feel like what I did. Maybe I learnt from my mums mistakes I don't know only time will tell. I can only do my best by her and hope that her father will do the same eventually when he finally moves on and can seperate me from her
Hi ELP, it sounds as though sparklinglime sharing her experiences are helping you see a way to deal with your situation.
My first thought when I read your message was ' Don't ask your duaghter if she wants to speak to her dad', that puts a question in her mind about whether she should (I know she is only little right now), if and when she wants to speak with him, she will ask you.
It sounds as though you have come to a bit of a conclusion in regards to why you felt so awful about your relationship with your dad, it wasn't because he wasn't around, it was because he made broken promises.
If you leave your ex to communicate from now and focus on you and your girl, then if he does pop up, then that can be a bonus for your daughter, but as far as she is concerned it is you and her.
Thank you Anna yes I definitely agree with you there with regards to my dad so hopefully I can look at the relationship with her dad a lot differently. I agree with you in not asking her if she wants to speak to him and wait for her to ask. I didn't think about it the way you put it.
How are you feeling about your ex these days ELP? Do things feel different this time, now you have split up again?
Do you feel stronger?
I can't remember how old your daughter is, but if you can deal with it positively then your daughter can.
What my lot found difficult was their father cancelling contact. They actually deal with seeing him rarely (twice last year, three phone calls last year and no cards or gifts for Christmas or Birthday) very well.
They know it is his choice and know he's getting on with his new life happily. I tell them that its good he is happy, and they agree...
With what you've experienced you will understand how your daughter will be feeling. I don't understand how my lot feel.
We can't change how the other parent behaves, but I have found that my lot know they have me 100% and do seem to be ok.
Personally, I wouldn't stop my lots Dad seeing them, even as rarely as he does, as I know they really do get excited seeing him. They have no idea when they'll see him next, and now his Dad has died, its hard to know if he will be in touch. We have no contact details, even though does have mine and the mobile numbers of the children.
They don't talk about him. They don't appear to miss him, but, to me, even if it is a rare event and the drama he makes when he sees them, I know its right for my lot.
He lived a couple of miles away from us and only saw this lot every two or three weeks for a couple of hours so even then couldn't choose to be a responsible parent.