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Hi, just joined so not to sure how this works.. so bare with me.
I need some advice and support when it comes to my son, i know he has gone through alot the last 6 months, but his moods are making me depressed.
I am in the process of moving home and having to do it all on my own, as my friends/family are just not avaliable to help. its funny that they always call me when they need help, but never around when i need it.
My son is making it really hard, i know packing is boring, but it has to be done, esp when you have a deadline, i am still working this week ( moving next week) so packing when i get home. He is with his dad this week, which has made it easier as i am getting time to myself, but i am so knackered, long day at work and then packing when i get home.
Last weekend my son came back, but by the sunday morning he was driving me mad so sent him back to his dads for the week, i love him to bits but with everything going on he just knows how to wind me up. His dad recently split with his wife and has 5 other children ( not all his) and i understand that my son perfers to spend time with the other children, but when he says comments like 'i hate you' 'everything is your fault' 'i am bored with you' 'i dont love you' after awhile it really starts to get me down.
I feel very alone and have tired speaking to my friends, but they are all so busy with their own life. The more stressed i am the more tired i feel and my M.E gets worse. I dont really have a social life and that is something i want to improve on once i am settled in my new home. Any advice?
Does anyone else feel like this or am i just been silly?
Hi,
My son is 12, he doesnt want to get involved in any of it, he has drawn of picture of what he wants his room to look like and he said 'get on with it' charming!! He has asked his dad if he can stay with him and come back home once i have finished, in other words when all the hard work is done.
He has been seeing a councilor as he 'attempted to kill himself' twice, whether or not that is true i dont know, but it does really scare me to think my son has even thought of that.
His councilor told me that my son is very clever and knows what buttons to press to drive me mad, and also knows how to manipulate me.
Hi Jasemine
Just said hello to you on the other thread!
I am glad to hear that your son is seeing a counsellor, it sounds to me as if he has a great deal of anger in him, and unfortunately it seems directed at you. The issue about killing himself is very worrying but sadly teens can often use this to blackmail us into doing what they want us to do. Be prepared for him to play both parents off against each other, too.
The upheaval of moving house is a stressful time to be starting any new initatives but once settled in the new home, it is time to put your foot down. Now, when I say this, I do not mean that he gets criticised all the time (this is a mistake I know I made with one of mine) but that you are firm and stick to your guns, but still tell him that you love him, nomatter how negative a response you get. There is no reason why he should not help around the house, my youngest is 15 and has been helping for years. Ok you might have to link some of his pocket money to chores but that is OK.
I have a couple of books to recommend. Firstly "You just don't listen" by Suzie Hayman and the other is "Get out of my life....but first take me and Alex into town" by Anthony Wolf and Suzanne Franks. Both are down to earth and sensible guides to dealing with teenagers. The other thing I can recommend, if you get to the end of your tether, is having a chat to Parentline Plus on 0808 800 2222.
But of course keep posting here and we will keep supporting you!!!
Hi Louise,
I do link his chores to his pocket money, for every chore he does he gets £0.25. He has a total of 5 chores so can earn over a fiver a week if he did his chores, problem is he comes out with comments like 'i dont care if i get money' which puts me in the awkward position of having to say he doesnt have a choice. So we go in circles.
I have banned him from the xbox or laptop when he misbehaves but that doesnt always work.
We have a vicious cycle of me asking him to do something either his homework or chores and him throwing a fit, me getting upset and him crying and getting stroppy then we make up. This can happen between 1-4 times daily, so by the end of the night i am so drained and crawl into bed shortly after him.
I am actually moving because of him, he was being bullied and one of our current neighbours was the main bully, so i am renting out my place and then renting another one privately nearer his childminders and his few remaining friends, he has lost most of them because he is so grumpy.
I'm sorry if this bit sounds harsh.
When he throws a fit, walk away. He's getting you to react. I just feel that walking away is going to have more effect than you getting upset. I feel you may need to tell him that you intend to start new routines in the new house.
He does his room. My boys should have done there's, but didn't. You can't see the walls now anyway for posters, but if they moan, they're reminded that I had bought the paint...
I'm sorry that he has these attempts at killing himself though. Somehow it makes it harder to start introducing boundaries.
I'm always here when my lot want to talk. Tele off and we really do talk. I don't listen to them when they're having wobblers though.
My 14 year old doesn't have many friends, and sadly those who have had so much patience with him are starting to see less of him. My son has autism/aspurgers, and can be so serious. I can understand the friends no longer calling.
Sending loads of hugs your way.
Hello again Jasemine
Do have a look at those books I suggested.
Following on from sparkling lime's suggestion of walking away, I would endorse that but of course sometimes they follow you, and if he does, you can use the "When...then" method. It is important to stay very calm while you do this. You say "When you can speak to me in a respectful voice, then we can discuss what it is you want to say" You keep repeating this and nothing else and do not get upset or cross. If he persists then you eventually say "I have said what I need you to do" and then DO get away, even if it is to lock yourself in the toilet, and do not say anything else even if he shouts through the door. He will behave worse at first but within a very few times, it will start to get better but it relies on you being 100% consistent over that time otherwise you will go back to square one,
It is great that you are tackling this while he is 12, you can seize control of the situation, otherwise once he is 14 or 15 the task will be much greater.
By the way, I know as a parent when our child has been through a lot, with his dad and with the bullying, our instinct may be to be a bit softer towards him but please believe me, Jasemine, what he craves in his shifting world is somthing totally safe, predictable, dull and reliable, such as the boundaries you can set.
Dear Jasemine, what a difficult time you are having.
You are moving house, getting no support from people that you have helped in the past, you are exhausted from working and then spending all evening packing, your son is being rude to you, your friends all seem really busy, you are tired, stressed and your M.E. is playing up and you say you just don't have the strength. Are you being silly you ask??? NO I think not!
You are under a huge amount of pressure.
Even though friends and family aren't supporting you with the packing now, can you rope some in for the move? Let them know how much you would appreciate the support, let them know you understand that they are busy, but how important it would be for you.
How supportive is your ex? Can you talk to him about your son's behaviour? Is he copying behaviour from his dad's house? It is good that your son is seeing a counsellor and that they are being open with you, however his attempts to commit suicide must be taken seriously.
Louise's suggestion is good about contacting Parentline Plus on the above number, they also have Live Chat, where you can talk to an advisor in realtime.
I wonder that if once you have moved would you consider doing a parenting programme? It sounds as though you are working very hard, but if you could find time for it, it can be very rewarding.
I talked recently on another thread about how one of my biggest mistakes with my daughter (now 15) was to tell her off and then go and make up with her as I didn't like bad vibes in the house. Tut!
Yesterday I asked to make sure her washing up was done from lunchtime when I got home from work. She put on her sulky face, made excuse after excuse and I kept repeating myself, it ended in tears and she ran upstairs and slammed the door. I felt awful and wanted to go upstairs and have a 'talk' and make up, however, I kept telling myself, I approve of my actions, I was right in what I was asking her, I was not being unreasonable. For about half an hour I battled with myself to stop going upstairs. I just kept wishing that I had told her to not answer me back! ANYWAY she came down 30-40 mins later, happy as larry and talking about music, tut!
What I am trying to say is we need to stick to our guns, we can't make them happy all the time, they need to be made responsible for their actions, good and bad.
While your son is at his dads and you have a break in packing, give yourself a little treat a cuppa tea and yummy biscuit, or bubbly bath and good book, just remind yourself that you are a good person and you want the best for your son.
Would you be interested in counselling yourself?
Hi Jasemine, welcome to One space 
I'm really sorry that you're going through such a bad time at the moment. I followed Louise's advice about the 'when, then' method, and it does really work. My son is nearly 8, and lately he has been trying my patience, answering me back, being disrespectful etc, it is terribly hard being on our own isn't it? I have also ignored him until he has gotten over whatever is wrong at the time, (Sparkling's method). Like Anna, I'm also too quick to make up, asking for a hug etc, I don't like it when we have a falling out, and always want to please, but again I've taken advice and not be in too much of a hurry to make amends. It is heartbreaking, but they do have to learn that certain behaviour isn't acceptable, and we as the parents have to stick to our guns, hard as it is.
You will get through this bad period, and then you'll be able to give others here support with the same thing. Possibly me when my 'little angel' hehe, gets to your son's age.
Keep your chin up. Take care
Alison
x
Hi Guys,
thank you so much for your comments, i am getting more support here then i have ever done with my friends, they just tell me to stop moaning and its life just get on with it. Funny though none of them are single parents.
Last weekend when he demanded dinner after i spent all day packing, it did result in me being so upset that he saw me cry, which is the first time i have let him see me upset. That evening I went to my room and went to bed, didnt say good night, didnt tuck him in and i felt awful. i thought he was going to do something silly, but he came up about half an hour later and was crying and said sorry and gave me some cuddles.
As horrible as this sounds this week has been nice since he is at his dads, yes i am tired from packing but i dont have the constant moaning from him.
I am looking forward to seeing him tomorrow ( picking him up after work) we have a busy weekend planned, saucepans have arranged for myself, my son, his dad, step sister and friend to go to woodmill activity center this saturday and sunday. It includes things like kayaking, rock climbing, archery and building a raft as a family and paddling across the lake.
My son is really excited and it will be interested to see how he acts since both of world are coming together for two days (if that makes sense) I am a little anxious about it mostly because i have to spend two days with my ex and also it will be very tiring physically, i just keep telling myself that i am doing this for my son. I am also taking him and 4 of his friends to Chessington on my own next week as well as packing and moving, so very busy week.
My son's father and i have had a rollercoaster relationship, he left when i was pregant, and he shortly got married to his wife, she has never liked me because she gave him 3 girls vs my 1 boy ( really dont understand that) its like she is competing and upset as she couldnt give him another boy as that is what he wanted as my son has my surname. Last July my son father kidnapped him and refused to bring him back, my son was completely brainwashed and was a totally different child when i finally got him back. So my relationship with my ex went to a really bad level, we didnt talk for 8 months and everything went through a solictor.
Then when he broke it off with his wife a few months back, i did my best to be accomdating as i could as i know break ups are hard. At times i think he wanted to confide in me, but i tried not to get involved. Since then he has been nice to me and we are getting on well (of course he still not paying the CSA despite the many letters, but i dont talk to him about it as it only causes arguments, i am leaving it to the CSA to deal with it)
My son relationship isnt that great with his dad, they dont talk about anything personal, he doesnt ask our son about school or his life in general, doesnt come to parents evening, performancing etc. Dont get me wrong my son loves his dad but he doesnt confide in him about anything. Another odd thing is although he and his wife broke up, my ex arranged for my son to be with her and children during the 6 weeks holiday as he was at work, apparently my son stays at her overnight, and my ex stays at his parents( which is on the same road) is it just me or is that a little odd?
My son counsellor has asked me if he can approach his dad about speaking to him about puperty and the way he speaks to me and try and get his support. My ex phoned me up and asked why she wanted to speak to him so i explained and he seemed fine about it, so i guess we will see.
I have thought about counselling for myself to get me through this, but i have had bad experience with them in the past (i was born in a cult and ran away and came to the uk when i was 16, so they normally have a field day with that) i guess it didnt work for me then, so just dubious about it now.
i think what i am missing more is having someone to talk to that understands and doesnt judge me or call me a bad parent.
I could go on but dont want to bore you or give you the impression that i am just having a moan..
Hi Jasemine, if you feel the need to have a moan, then moan away. We are all here to listen and help in whatever way we can. I am so glad that you are finding support here. Friends aren't very understanding when they are not in the same postion as us, and I totally know where you're coming from on that one.
I know the weekend will be exhausting for you, what with the problems you're having, and the move etc, but I'm sure it will really good for you and your son. Yes it will be hard with the ex being there too, but it might turn out for the best. Then off to Chessington, I'm sure you'll all have a brilliant time.
You said that the other night, for the first time, your son saw you crying. I actually think that it is good for them to see us cry. He is old enough to understand that you hurt sometimes and that you also get sad. It was lovely that he came to your room to give you cuddles.
I do find it odd that your son stays at ex's ex, when he himself lives in the same road with his parents. Perhaps you could mention to your ex that it would be nice for your son to spend time with his grandparents once in a while too.
Keep posting as it is lovely to have you here.
Take care
Alison
x
Hi Alison,
thanks for your message, i guess i feel i have to be strong all the time for him as he needs me to be the stable thing in his life when everything else is changing.
Orginally he was going to stay with the grandparents, but then the day i was dropping him out i was told to take him to her's.As my son doesnt seem bothered i didnt know if i was just me making something out of nothing.
I so wish i could be a fly on the wall in that house!!
Oh a good note, today i had my appraisal at work today and i got the highest mark, so at least one part of my life is going well, sometimes it is hard to separate the two, esp when something at work goes wrong or deadlines are fast approaching. I guess i am worried because i tend to bottle things up as all my friends are so busy with their own problems that one day i will blow up at someone at work, and that will not be good at all. lol
Hi Jasemine, I think I'm following you around, hehe. Congratulations on getting such good marks in the appraisal. Big pat on the back for you.
As long as your son isn't too bothered where he stays, I would perhaps follow his lead, although there's no harm in suggesting his grandparents 
Somedays, things do tend to build up, and at times I feel like I could explode, which is why I think this is such a good place to come and sometimes vent anger. Also just to get some support from people who have gone through or going through what I'm experiencing.
Hope you have a good evening, if you can, give yourself a night off from the packing, and just have some 'me' time.
I think i will take your advice... well i ran out of boxes so cant do anymore packing.lol
Mental note: must get more boxes tomorrow 
Well done from me too with the appraisal.
I hope you have had an evening off.
Hello Jasemine
Hope you had a decent evening and get hold of some more boxes today. There is lots of good input here and in the middle of moving, it might seem like too much information, but we are all here to offer you support.
Thanks for all your comments, once i have finished moving and settle down i will definately look into all your suggestions
BTW i have decided to pay a company to do the removals, that way i dont have to rely on friends and as i am paying the company i dont have to do any heavy lifting..
Speak to you all once the move has taken place, not sure how long it will take to get my broandband back up and running but will be on here as soon as i can with an update.
Bye for now
That is an excellent idea
Best of luck with everything, moving, your ex, this weekend, Chessington! Blimey, you have sooo much going on!! Keep strong you are doing a fine job.
I hope when you read this you are settled into your new home and we can support you with things you are now going to address
Good luck with the move. Hope it's not long before you're able to get back on line.
You're not being silly.
And really, your son is doing what children do. I've had to with the divorce, and then pack everything up for storage when I was homeless. I have to say the children really were useless!! The older two were 13 and 11 at the time, and to be fair, old enough to help.
At least he's with his Dad while you are doing the packing. Moving, I know is so stressful. I also know where you're coming from when it comes to finding help too! Although I have to say that two friends did turn up on moving day (when most was done! hahaha!).
If you can, focus on getting the move out the way. Perhaps when you are in your new home your son can be really involved with decorating his bedroom and arranging stuff.
I doubt he'll help with the rest of the house (personal experience, I'm afraid).
How old is your son?