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These last five years have been the worst few years of my life!!!
About four weeks before my daughter was born I received the pleasant news that my husband was having an affair with his ex girlfriend, who is also the mother of his first daughter. Even when I was in hospital after the birth of my daughter he had made his excuses as to why he wasnt able to come to the hospital to visit - leaving me alone in hospital with a new born child.
So, as you would expect I asked for a divorce. However, as he isnt a UK national and he didnt have the right to live in the UK he went into panic mode and decided he'd go to the British Embassy in Senegal, West Africa to apply for a visa. He was denied a visa for reasons I actually cannot remember now but he managed to find his way into Geneva, Switzerland where he has been living and working illegally since 2008.
Fast forward 4 years, which included: top to toe eczema, depression, home eviction, debt, my daughter going into care for 5 months and general doom and gloom... and my ex is still living in Geneva, working and living his life like a single man. I know this because me and my daughter went over to Geneva because I thought it would be good for her to spend time with her dad and I got to see for myself how he is living and he is living better than we are... he's living in a city centre apartment, he works full time, he has plenty of cash to spend on socialising
Of course he doesnt pay child maintanence... that would be too easy. At first he wasnt happy to send money for my daughter because I was working at time and he said, I didnt need the money because I was working. Well I havent worked since 2010 as I left work because I was suffering from depression but when I spoke to him about maintanence he then said, its my own fault for not working and I should get a job!!! Even getting him to call my daughter regularly is a problem. I'd organise for him to call her once or twice a week but even that isnt easy for him to keep up with
Right now I'm so frustrated with this man i've not had any contact with him and subsequently my daughter has not had any contact with her dad. I know she wants contact with him and I feel so guilty that I'm not encouraging their relationship anymore. I really do want the best for my daughter and for me too.
OK so rant over (i'm so sorry). Is there any advice anyone can offer me regarding my situation? or is there anyone or any organisations that I can be signposted to get advice from? I've no one to speak to about this as no one I know has been through anything like this situation
Thank you for reading this long message right to the end :)
Hello boubearsma
Welcome to One Space 
Sparkling is right: you cannot make this man take up to baton of fatherhood. What you can do is have a look here to see if there are any official mechanisms for child support from parents who live in Switzerland. There are special rules for EU countries.
You can also have a think about what ELSE would make things better for you. Of course this man has treated you and his daughter badly but given that you have very limited power to change that, it is time to think about what you can do for you (ignoring him) You mention depression, that can indeed be very hard to cope with. I presume you are receiving GP treatment for that. Could you be put forward for some counselling? What support have you around at the moment....and what would help? Are there any local groups you could join to meet others who have been through depression? Your Health Visitor would know of any. How about signing up to learn a new skill at college in September?
Time to take control, boubearsma and we are here to give you support and encouragement too!
Hi sparklinglime
Thanks for your advice.
I have heard of an organisation called REMO who may be able to give me advice on child maintanence when a parent lives abroad
I understand where you're coming from but to be honest I do believe he does love and want to be apart of my daughters life but his current situation makes it difficult for him... then again I do think he holds onto this because it can be used as a handy excuse
Which is the reason why I want the law involved - he obviously has no respect for me and doesnt believe he needs to listen to anything I say but I imagine he would if the law was involved!!
Plus I know how my daughter feels as my mum wanted nothing to do with my dad so stopped us from having contact and my dad didnt really push to see us and I'm sure if they just co-operated for the sake of the kids me and my sisters lives would have been more positive.
I just feel like I've not done enough yet and like I said I want the best for my daughter so I feel like it is my responsibility to explore every avenue before giving up on their relationship and after all this if he still cannot get it together and be the best dad he can be for her, I will then make the decision to stop all contact between them.
Thanks again for your advice
Hi there Louise
Obviously I didnt speak about my current situation. I had been suffering from depression, along with other problems but after leaving work back in 2010 I started receiving treatment within the community mental team and I completed my last sessiion of therapy earlier on this year so I'm feeling a thousand times stronger with a clearer vision of what I want for myself and my daughter.
Last September I enrolled into college to study Art and Design and I passed that with flying colours and I've just enrolled onto my 2nd year which starts next week - and I cannot wait!!!
I feel like i've started to take control of my and i'm excited for the future. I just feel like its time to start doing what I can for my daughter to have a relationship with her dad. Like I said to sparklinglime I do believe he loves my daughter and he would like to be in her life but he is comfortable using his status as an excuse to fall back on, especially when I speak about money.
But thank you Louise for your advice, i'm happy to say i'm a step ahead of u lol
Well done to you, boubearsma! that is fab, all the things you are doing.
Hi boubearsma and welcome to One Space from me
I just wanted to tell you about a friend of mine, she has a daughter with a Brazilian man, she lived there for a while. When their relationship broke down she moved to the UK, she knows that 'dad' loves his daughter, but he never sent money, she would pay for him to come to the UK to have a relationship with their daughter. Long story short, he met a Swedish woman, married her and now has 2 children in Sweden and living a lovely life (My friend and daughter went to visit).
He has never once paid any money, he will only visit if my friend pays for the trip, but it is very obvious that he loves his daughter. However he does not see it as his responsibility to 'be a father' as my friend left him.
I am sharing this because she has spent many years trying to get him to call, visit, pay money, be a 'great dad' etc, but to no avail. He has continued to be the same from the very beginning and your story reminded me of their situation.
It sounds as though you have spent a lot of time and energy trying to create something good for your daughter. But there comes a time when we have to let go and focus on us. Your daughters father will show up as and when he wants to and that might be all he can offer.
Food for thought?
Hi
Firstly you have clearly been through a lot and survived. And you've done this without him.
You cannot make this man be the Father you want for your daughter.
If he's working illegaly, I can't see how you can make him provide for your daughter. I'm not sure if there is a way that the CSA would be able to put anything in place for Geneva.
I was married for 20 years and have four children. Their Father chooses to have limited contact, and maintenance over the last few years has varied from £58 a month at its highest point. This month I've had £0. Not a lot I can do about it as I know he chooses not to be responsible for the children. He saw them twice last year, and twice so far this year, but one visit was because he was up for his Father's funeral and second as he was up for his step-daughter's graduation...
One thing your daughter has 100% in her life and that is you. You being there for her unconditionally is all she needs.
She'll always wonder about her Dad. I think that's natural, but you can deal with that by not being negative about him, but having simple replies ready for her.
You have no reason to feel guilty. He is letting her down. And the frustration really is wasted energy that can be spent having fun with your daughter (I keep telling myself that but still get wound up eight years down the road).