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I have been a stay at home dad to our two wonderful kids for 5 yrs and just started a job at a school to fit in with term time. In fact my life is a bit like that of a tradition mum role but in reverse.
My high flying wife, who happens to be a family solicitor dropped a bombshell that she was leaving after 16 years of marriage and left 3 days before her 40th birthday (midlife crisis) Everyone is dumbfounded especially her family. She tells me she that it is a separation, but it soon turns out that she has left me for a younger man, albeit by 2 years. This is where it get a bit Eastenders. Her new bloke was a client of hers who she managed the divorce and childcare disputes for. He has businesses in the US and travels back to the UK to see his 3 kids who reside with his ex wife.
Shortly after my wife leaves she sets up home with this guy and they rent a four story townhouse in a very posh town in the south east. Remember this guy is based in the US so he travels back and forth from US to UK to see his kids and my wife. They put 5 beds in this new place 2 for my kids and 3 for his. However my wife is not allowed to meet his kids and so has to stay somewhere else when they stay with him.
So smarting with all of this and in an attempt to get over some of the jealousy and general hurt. I start internet dating and meet this wonderful woman, where everything is going smoothly at first but then she goes a bit weird on me, so I call her and get a very tearful, "it's not you, it's me" conversation. I assume it is all over, but I get invited to her house for dinner and we have a heart to heart. Okay get this, she has been divorced for 4 yrs and has two grown up kids. She reveals that she is still getting over a long term failed relationship that ended a few weeks back. However and this is the shock. The relationship was with a woman and I am the first man she has dated since she divorced.
So I have custody of my two kids, my wife is shacked up with a former client of hers and my girlfriend is a lesbian.
Christmas: My wife and I decide to both be at her brothers place and spend christmas with the kids. Christmas eve, after a bit too much to drink, and a few minor arguments. I am talking to her brother's wife and my wife is talking to her brother in another room, when they overhear a conversation and get the wrong end of the stick and come storming in and both unleash a tirade of abuse and accusations upon the poor woman. I calm the situation down with my brother in-law outside and come in to see my wife continuing to have a go. I step in and have a go at my wife, who promptly throws a glass of wine in my face and I respond, much to my absolute disgust at myself with a back hander across her face. (hitting is totally wrong, I know and I am ashamed at myself)
I spend the next 3 hours taking a snowy walk around the countryside and then phoned up and persuaded to return, upon which my brother in-law is going off on one and threatens to stab his wife if she says anything bad about his mother. I stay the night until first light when I am sober enough to drive and head home as, if I stayed there would be another argument but this time when the kids are awake and that would surely devastate their christmas more than my absence.
So a pretty messed up Christmas for me and the kids. I can only hope that 2011 is better and I find a nice hetrosexual woman to share Christmas with next year.
Hi paul_30. Wow that's quite a story. Sorry to hear you've had a bad year. Lets hope 2011 is a better one for you and the children.
Hi Paul_30
I do hope that you have gained a little comfort from offloading your feelings on here, it must have been awful for you to have gone through so much.
This is a wonderful site, you will gain lots of support and advice and also have people to chat to when you feel the need.
Try and concentrate on the children and yourself for now, I do hope that you have a peaceful night.
Thinking of you 
Cheers for words of support. Yes I really needed to offload. It's not really the sort of stuff yuou can blurt out to friends. And it all feels so extreme. To be honest, the last comment was a bit tongue in cheek. My overwhelming thoughts are of 2011 Christmas with my kids. I just wish it was possible for them to spend it with their mum too, but I think it will never work.
Here's to happily divorced!
Hi Paul_30
First of all, welcome to One Space!
The title of your thread, the Eastenders plot, yes life can be like that sometimes and I have certainly found it so during my single days. You certainly have had a right old time of it, sorry to hear that.
As I understand it, you had Christmas Day without the children, as they were left with their Mum at her brother's? So now you face the prospect of picking them up from there? You were clearly trying to make things as normal and stable as possible for them at Christmas and it sounds as if bowing out was the sensible thing to do in view of the situation. Do you think your brother-in-law could genuinely be violent? Talking of which, I am guessing you will need to apologise to the children's mother for the slap, and just hope that this will not be used against you in any divorce/custody proceedings. So I do hope that things will be calmer when you go to pick them up.
As for your new partner being a lesbian, write that one down to experience. I know lots of people who have formed wonderful relationships through internet dating, and I know of lots of disasters too, but don't let that put you off 
It seems that everything has come at once (Christmas has a habit of bringing things to a head) and I hope the rest of the holidays are more peaceful for you!!
Hi Louise,
Thanks for your comments, it has made me think things trough. I have appologised to the kids mother for the slap, several times, but you can't take these things back. She acknowledged that it was the first time I had ever hit her, but I was bought up to never hit a woman, and no circumstance should provoke such a reaction. However I can avoid the set of circumstances from coming about again and have learned from that.
Not sure what the ramifications of the slap will do to divorce
procedings, as I said she is a family solicitor and it gives her some
leverage, but then she has to make it public and she wants to avoid that
as her reputation is tarnished enough by leaving her kids and husband
for a client and she wants to avoid any action in courts where she works. I only really care about what is best for the kids.
As for my brother in-law being violent, not sure, don't feel I can judge now, but his vitriol towards his wife was shocking and something I had never witness to that extent, even in the dark days when he was addicted to Cocaine. My ex wife would never of taken that from me, and even my most passionate of outbursts were many levels below that. I did worry for my children's safety the next day, but felt that my presence would be a factor in any further outbursts.
As for my girlfriend, if I can call her that, as it is complicated, well she has issues she needs to work through and I will be a friend if she needs me to be, but I have kids that need a focussed father and they come first, any relationship I embark on has to be one that does not detract me from my responsibilities to my kids and I know that this one will and so in my heart I know that it is limited. If I end up with a friend then I will be happy.
My wife has the kids for a few days now and then I am taking them off for the new year. So I have some thinking time and I am ready to address issues that I have been avoiding thinking about.
Hi paul_30
You sound more focused today, good for you!!!!!!
I hope that you have a lovely time with your children for the New Year.
Try and relax today a little and just have some time for you
Hello again paul_30
You have had a great deal to get your head round and yet already you seem to be coping better. I agree that it would be good not to get into that situation again if it is such a cauldron waiting to blow up. We are on here every day so please know that you are welcome to offload or have a rant or just to work things through with some support.
Bet you are looking forward to time with the children again. As tired mum rightly says, it would be great to have some "grown up" time in the meantime 
Hi paul_30
How are you this evening? Have you managed to have so time for yourself, I hope so.
Thinking of you
Hi Tiredmum,
Yes spent the day doing very little but thinking things through. Had a good chat with my oldest sister, I have three, which is why I grew up with a lot of respect for women, they forced it into me. Went to the cinema on my own, getting used to that, watched the new Harry Potter film recommended.
So not a bad day. Need to see some friends, but this is such a difficult time as most if not all will be with family.
Hi paul_30. The need to see friends, yep, know that feeling well! Like you say though, they are with family, so it does make it more difficult doesn't it? It's good that you took yourself off to the cinema. I've heard mixed reviews about it. My son is very much into Harry Potter, but too young to watch it at the cinema.
Did you say you were taking the children away for the New Year? Where are you going? Hope you have a good day today, what are you up too?
Hi Paul_30
Glad you got out to the cinema Hopefully not long before your friends emerge from their "mince-pie and Auntie Joyce" frenzy and will be available for a proper chat.
Hi Louise and Alison,
Just spoke to my kids, who seem in good spirits and I will pick them up tomorrow and so will be back in my familiar routine.
My ex wife is clearly angry at me, where the other day she seemed sanguine about the whole debarcle. So not sure what has changed. However she is entitled to be cross, but it is clear she has already re-written the memory in her mind as an unprovoked attack. And however I look at it getting a glass of wine thrown in your face is one thing, but I did not meet it with a proportionate response. There is nothing more than an apology I can do to make it right and so will have to live with it.
Taking the kids off to Dartmoor on the 30th and will be there over new years and I can't wait to see this year end.
On the upside. I am finding things to do on those days alone, wihout the friend network around. I checked out some walking clubs and met a local group and joined them for a walk today. I guess we all find ways to distract ourselves in the early days of a break up, until we can function on our own.
Hi Paul, you have made an apology, and yes you're right, that's all you can do. Whether she accepts that is down to her. I would put it all to the back of your mind, and look forward to 2011 with your children. I hope your walk cleared a few cobwebs! Once you get the children tomorrow, I'm sure you'll be fine again, but that was a good idea to check out local groups. What are your plans tonight?
Not sure what to do tonight, not really a pub person, I normally go once a week on a Wednesday night as part of the regular night mountain-bike ride stop and that is with friends that I spend time with generally. But might have to resort to calling round and seeing if I can find someon who is up for a drink.
Hate being alone in the house. I find my own company hard to take at the moment. I know this is because the break up was so recent, back in September, and once I am over all the hurt I will be fine, but it seems to take a long time. Some people talk of years! Also I am a very social person and I need to be around people.
This site is brilliant, I am so grateful for the regulars and moderators who care enough to respond, it makes this quite a unique place.
Own company is horrible Paul. I think it is something that we just get used too. Even with children around, it can be lonely not having adult company in a while. Your split in September is still really new, but I'm sure you'll get there in the end. The hurt will ease, but it is different for each individual, so the time depends on that one person.
The site is brilliant, and there is always someone around, even now, at Christmas time. We're all here to help each other along, through the good and bad times. Have you taken a look at the daytime and evening chat yet? We do have some laughs in those, and it does cheer us all up, which we all need from time to time eh.
Yes, it is good here.
I have to say I can't remember the last time I went to a pub! Wouldn't know what to do now! Hahaha!
Glad you're looking forward to the weekend.
Hi paul_30
Glad to hear you are looking forward to Dartmoor with the children. You have as alisoncam says apologized and you seem very sincere in that apology, please try not to dwell on it too much. I actually dont mind my own company, maybe having 5 children makes quiet me time a must, I do think men generally dont like their own company, well in my experience that is. Walking clubs sound a good way to get out and about and to meet other people. I am not pub person either so can understand that not holding much appeal for you, I also think that at this time of year it tends to be couples that are out and about which can make one feel left out.
There isnt a time scale on how long it takes anyone to feel ok again, remember this is your own personal experience and you will have good days and bad for as long as it takes you, please dont let people say to you "its been x number of weeks months now you should be fine" they are not you.
I was thinking about one positive for you and that is as you have been a stay at home parent already, you will have a routine which is possibly what a lot of us find most difficult to establish.
Take it easy tonight, relax and look forward to collecting your children tomorrow.
Thinking of you
tiredmum..
I'm not into pubs either, I had a bit of a clubbing stage during my youth that stretched into my thirties until I began to notice that I was becoming the oldest swinger in town on the Costa del Sol, so I came back to the UK and got someone pregnant :)
Now I prefer being on my own, as in I enjoy my own company, or I used to at least, since I've had kids and become a single parent I often yearn for peace and quite and yet when they are away like at my sisters house or something I just fret and want them back as soon as possible.
So realy I like it when they are here entertaning them selves quietly without arguing while leaving me in peace at my computer. Not that that happens for any period of time, in fact I think the best time is now, early in the morning, me at my computer with a cup of coffee and them sleeping peacefully behind me with the dog : )
Last year my sister took the two of them to my mums house for a weekend, which is over near Peterborough and it was the logest weekend ever, I was just worrying about car accidents and saying hello to them on the phone was worse as they were all normal and quite onlivious to me missing them. I'd planed to relax with a bottle of wine and spend the weekend playing on my computer, I just stressed.
She's asked once since to take them and I said no as I just can't handle the thought of them being in a car over a long journey and me not driving.
I find myself at a point where my life revolves around my kids, I don't mind, I love it but I never noticed it happening and I wonder what I'm going to be like when they grow up and leave home, I'm going to be one of those annoying parents that constantly phones and moans on about them never calling or coming to see me as nothing will be enough apart from them never moving out.
In fact I think I'm going to turn into my dad. I begin to see where he was coming from now when I was in my 20's and used to think, yeah yeah dad I'm all grown up now stop stressing.
On of my biggest fears is my daughter getting a boyfriend with a motorbike, a boyfriend is stress enough but one with a motorbike!
I'll need Prozac or something.
Hi Paul, I hope you had a good evening, todays the day you pick the children up, so now you can get back into your routine, relax and enjoy.
Get the Prozac ready now Bubblegum, you'll be needing them way before the boyfriend or the bike comes along, hehe. I'm so glad I'm not the only one who frets about the cars. I don't like it when C goes off in friends etc cars. I just cannot relax until I know that he's reached the destination. I demand a text every single time. Have to say though, generally I'm with him, should he be in a car, but I am a bag of nerves when I'm not.
Us parents eh!!!!
I'm glad I'm not the only one who frets about cars...
Those families where the other parent has regular contact time do have to overcome these things on a weekly basis! I will never forget the trepidation I felt, knowing that my boys were going to be in a car with their dad (rubbish driver). They had an accident one New Year's Day (luckily minor) and after that I said that they were not allowed to be in the car with him and I bossily arranged for the car (it was mine as well) to be collected, repaired and sold so that he could not drive them anymore 
Paul_30 I think you have done really well over the last few days and you are using your time to do a bit of thinking too. It could be argued that the wine in the face was an assault as well (am not a lawyer though, so don't take my word for it)
With regard to social life, click here to see details of a national group called Spice, which organises all sorts of activities, it is not just for singles but many of its members are single. A couple of my friends go to the local one and really enjoy it.
Hope your day goes well and you will be looking forward to seeing the children again. How old are they?
How fantasitc does Spice look? Now, before I was disabled, that would have been right up my street.
Hi again,
Enjoyed reading the posts.
My two children are a boy 7 and a girl 5, soon to be 6.
In my opinion the best of ages, as they are old enough to do most things for themselves but young enough to enjoy being with their parents, which made it all the more difficult when their mum decided to leave, as I was hoping that she might want to do things as a family, which she never really got into. I think she missed the point of being a parent.
Heard of Spice somewhere. Some of the events are local, so will have a look into it, Cheers
So in my days away from my kids, I went for a long mountain bike ride in the snow, sublimely beautiful and on a day the sun came out too, went to the cinema and saw Harry Potter, went for a walk with a local walking club for the first time, Dragged my neighbour down the pub and emptied my soul, Met with a friend of a friend who is in a similar situation and chatted about ex partners and kids. So a good few days. I also checked out the local music scene online, so that I can see when some local bands are playing when I am next at a loose end. So all positive stuff. Now that I have made a friend in a similar situation, that's someone who can join me on some of these activities and arrange some play dates with the kids.
Ready for my kids now and looking forward to taking them to dartmoor for an adventure, and a walk on New years day with a large group of friends.
So when I look at it rationally, I am pretty lucky to have great kids, good friends and live in an area where there are things to do.
Hi paul_30
You have a great attitude, so positive about everything, good for you!!!!!!! I hope you have a wondeful time with your children in Dartmoor, enjoy yourselves.
bubblegum, you must be the 1st man I have ever spoken to that enjoys his own company, very refreshing to hear, as for the children growing up, you will deal with it well when the time comes, you might not think so now but you will, the motorbike and car thing though, yes totally agree with everyone on that one even though I used to love riding pillion, it isnt the same anymore and my teen girls always get the lecture before they leave the house, having said that, they learned the really hard way when one of their best friends was in a car one night that left the road and she was flung through the windscreen, she was critical for weeks but has now made a fantastic recovery for which we were all so grateful, it has stuck with my girls.
tiredmum, I don't realy enjoy the company of men, I do have one good male friend, I've known him since I was about fourteen, he's the younger brother of an old school friend. I don't see him for years but when ever I've gone to see him its like we've been away from each other for a couple of weeks, he's just had a son and he has a daughter whose four, I went to college with his wife which was a surprise when I popped in after not having seen him for about seven years and there she was.
But with men the problem is when you are in a group of men there is always this sort of one-upmanship going on, trying to be manly, probably I'm guilty of it at times too, but pubs are just full of men trying to be men and football and maybe it's just round here but bigoted views from reading too many Sun, Mail, Mirror and the likes.
I like Paul_30's idea about checking out local bands, I like that, live music, local bands, I love watching young bands seeing them getting into it and making music, it doesn't even have to be good, though that's always a pleasant bonus. We have a festival here in my village each year that I've been taking the kids to, it's great :) and there are quite a few good North Wales bands, a healthy Welsh music scene too.
That's interesting Bubblegum, set me thinking about men that I know and how they behave when with each other. Certainly it seems that football is used as a bonding subject, but mainly it seems to be chat about things they have done, funny situations with the kids, things that have happened at work. Maybe the men I am friends with are not stereotypical, but also I think that it is an age thing where people (men or women) seem to feel more comfortable in their own skin as they get older and so there is less need to impress others or to take part in one-upmanship.
You have been very productive over recent days, Paul_30. I was going to say don't get so busy that you do not leave any time for reflection and thought in between but it seems from your posts that you have considered this too. The reason I say this is it is one of my own default behaviours: when unhappy, get very busy, so busy that there is no time to think, it has taken me a long time to learn to balance out positive activity with emotional processing. It seems that you are well on your way with that one!
Your children are at a lovely age, although all ages have their good points. Sometimes it is hard to see this when they are about 15 though......
or 19... 
Louise, I think men act on two levels one physical and the other intellectually, in that they either want to be at the front by either being the strongest like fighting or drinking or what ever or they want to be intellectually superior, cleverer or what ever. Not all men obviously but I don't come across any of that in women as much, nor the gay men I've known either, much more relaxed in who they are and not feeling a need to prove themselves amongst their peers.
: )
And! I always clean when I'm stressed or down, do the dishes, mop the floor, hoover, Feng shui the house and de clutter, it makes me feel better too.
Anytime you're feeling stressed, Bubblegum, just say the word and I will chuck over a basket of ironing, lol. Seriously the decluttering in particular is very cathartic.
I think there is a competitive spirit amongst women, especially younger women, and that has to do with looks. Many is the time I have heard women moaning about their lot in life and comparing themselves to others who seem to be in better situations.....and saying "AND she isn't very pretty and has greasy hair" or whatever, as if being attractive entitles you to a better and easier life.
Sorry Paul_30, not taking over your thread! Do let us know how you are doing
Hi Louise,
Quite happy to have my post taken over, it's really helpful to read through the conversations and see how similar my life is to yourselves.
I found out this morning that an acquaintance I know, someone I know reasonably well has taken her life. She leaves two small children and a husband. I can't begin to understand why she could not go on, even if just for them. I have felt sorry for myself (and also my children) for losing my wife to another man, but at least my kids still have their mum, and I have someone to take some of the responsibilty.
There is a new single parent today, who has had his life devastated and will have to construct a life with his children on his own. Most of us, had at least some choice in being the primary carer. I will in time, pass on the details of this site to him..
My problems don't seem that important!
Hi paul, that is awful news. I also know someone who took his life, leaving behind children. I honestly believe that they have sunk so low, that no-one could save them. At the time of doing it, they can only think of themselves, not of the ones they leave behind. It is of course awful for the children, and her husband, and all you can do now is be there for him, offering support, just so he knows you are there for him. As for you, your problems are still important, so you can unload on to us. I do know what you mean though, if we look further afield, there is always some one worse off than us, but our problems are still real to us.
Hope you've had a good day with the children. I bet you're glad they're back
That is such very sad news Paul.
Sorry to hear about that, Paul_30. I know people can condemn those whose take their own lives but I agree with alisoncam that we do not know what depths they have sunk to, and if someone has made up their mind then they will do it. If we know it is happening we can take action to help and protect them but this is not always the case. It is very sad for those left behind, especially the children.
Don't feel guilty about airing your own problems though. That's a bit like saying well I won't complain that my leg has just been chopped off, because I know someone who has lost both theirs. Hope that you can give your friend some support over the coming weeks and youj can get support back, from other friends, and here of course. I know that you have the children b ack with you today, hope that is enjoyable for you.
Well been a while since I have had a chance to add to this post.
My children seem a lot happier at the moment, we all seem more relaxed about things, and they seem happy, although I have noted a change in their position towards their mum and dad and the houses they live in. They seem to of made their mind up that our house with me is their preference, not sure why this has come about as they claim to feel happier than they were at their mums. Probably change their minds next week...
My ex wife will be introducing the new bloke to her parents on Sunday. Went through that myself many years ago, they were not happy when their daughter decided to date a white man, not sure how they will take it when she has dumped one they finally liked, for another with kids of his own. Would like to be a fly on the wall, if only for the comical lecture I know her father will give.
It's a new year and hopefully things are starting to make sense. I just have one more thing to do..
My friends funeral is on the 21st. I shall be going. Sometimes I wish I could believe in god and a better place, but for me, this world is the only heaven I will know and sometimes a bit like hell.
Hello paul how are you
I am stuart and have my 3 children living with me.
I had to deal with a cheating ex and debt and being left to pick up the pieces.
How are you finding single parenting do you have many male friends who will listen to you talk about rasing your children
Hi Paul
Wishing you a healthy and peaceful new year.
It's good the children are doing well and are happy. Somehow if the children are doing ok, it makes things easier...
Such sadness and difficult times for your friend's family and for you.
Hi Paul_30
Good to hear from you and great to hear that the children are more settled. You can have a quiet little snigger thinking about the encounter with the parents, heh heh.
I hope this does not sound weird when I say I am glad you are going to your friend's funeral. Whatever beliefs we may hold, it is about paying our respects to the person and also as we get older (OK OK a bit more mature ) there is something about the cycle of life, the acceptance of our own mortality that is a very neccessary part of our emotional development. My own view is that there is too much sweeping under the carpet in our culture when it comes to these issues, but that is just my personal opinion.
So here we are in a New Year and things are generally looking positive for you, have you had more thoughts about the new social life you are developing?
Hi Louise,
How is my social life developing...
I guess you are asking about my complicated relationship. Well there have been some developments. I must admit this relationship sent me into a head spin, when I needed it least. The truth is that I adore the woman, but it is a relationship set for hurt, as she is not fully reconciled to her sexuality and can't commit.
Around the same time a friend introduced me to a friend of hers, a woman who has a couple of small kids of her own, who has split with her husband and new to the area, knowing that I am outgoing and know plenty of people in the area, she thought I would be a good person to know. Anyway I called her and we met for something to eat. We hit it off straight away, but I assumed she just wanted to be friends. despite a couple of 2am long chats at my place. (sometimes us men can be so dense). Anyway instead of a peck on the cheek one evening she kissed me once on the lips and the penny dropped.
To cut a long story short; I have started a new relationship, while hopefully remain friends with the first woman.
Awww, good luck Paul.
That all sounds promising. Actually, I wasn't being nosy about your love life, I really was wondering whether you had followed up the walking group thing again, or Spice, but it is good to know that things are going well.
Hi Louise
Not had a chance to follow up the walking club thing, but will join them when I can, I also do a fair amount of mountain biking and am active as a ride leader, plus a school governor, so all round busy, what with kids and work too.
I guess that's why I know so many people and have many good friends.
I was at Tescos earlier today... When A friend of my wife's patted me on the shoulder and said how sorry she was to hear that my wife had left. She was clearly cross with my wife for leaving me and the kids. She had seen my wife and her new man in a resturant and had waved her finger at her in a disapproving way, not able to add any words to her disgust.
It is good to have these little gestures of support. A friend of mine had split up from his wife some time ago (he left her) and as they lived in a village he was convinced that everyone would be against him. He moved away but then went for a night out to the local town and bumped into some people in a bar, from the village. They were all delighted to see him and one woman said "we were not surprised when you left, everyone said they were amazed you had not left before as she treated you so badly"
So.....we never really know what other people are thinking!
Hi
That's so upsetting for you.
I hope you and the children manage to enjoy the rest of Christmas - luckily there are 12 days to it...
I do hope 2011 is a good year for you. As for finding a nice hetrosexual woman to share next Christmas with - why? If it happens, that's great, but if it doesn't, I'm sure that you and the children will be able to have brilliant time.
It took a relationship that didn't work out after my divorce for me to appreciate this.
I'm happily divorced, and happily single.
My very best wishes.
Look forward to 'chatting'.