This site is an archive of the OneSpace Forums. Return to forum index.
This site is an archive of the OneSpace Forums. Return to forum index.
I've never joined a forum before. I'm not even on facebook. I just didn't really know what to do. I just need someone to talk to, or some advise. I just found out that my fiancé of 9 years has been cheating on me for the past six months or so. And our baby is only 12 weeks old! I found text messages on his old phone and confronted him about it just this evening. Well it now turns out he is leaving me for her. I shouldn't be surprised I suppose. He did this to his ex as well. And he has access to his daughter every other weekend. I'm so hurt. I stood by him through a lot of hard times when I could have easily given up and walked away. But I didn't. I stayed with him and worked things through. I guess our relationship meant more to me than it did to him.
The dilemma I'm now having is what happens with my baby. With regards to his other daughter, he doesn't take care of her at the weekends, i do. I don't want to put him down but I know what he is like. He will get the new girlfriend to do what I did an that's take care of my baby. But I don't want another woman looking after my baby. I don't think that's unreasonable considering my baby is only 12 weeks old. Plus, since my baby has been born he hasn't really bothered with her. Whenever he picks her up she screams an cries because she doesn't know who he is. It wasn't for lack of trying on my part. I tried to get him to feed her and play with her and things like that, but he was always out. Turns out he was always out with this other woman.
I am currently on maternity leave from my work. But I don't know how I'm going to go back to work now when I'm gong to be the sole carer. My head is all over the place and I just don't know what to do. Any advice would be gratefully received.
Thanks for commenting so quickly. The problem is that we are due to move in the next month. We have a new place arranged, but I don't know if I can afford it on my own. I'm on maternity leave at the moment and due back in January. I'm really hoping my boss will allow me to work 2days a week at home. As there isn't an option to go part time at my work, not for the role I do. If not then I may have to leave my job and find a part time job closer to home. Luckily I have a good support network with my family.
Well that's good to know about him seeing the baby as I didn't want to have to hand her over when she's still so dependant on me. And thanks for the advice regarding speaking to a legal expert.
with regards to myself I feel rubbish. I feel completely used. I feel worthless, and iv been crying almost non stop since yesterday. I'm trying to keep it together for my baby. So am forcing the tears back until she's asleep which is when the tears come again. I'm also really angry about it all. I'm hoping my anger will keep me going so I can cope with it all
Again, thank you for your response and advice
Hi RApp and welcome from me too!
I am sorry to read the devastation that you have found yourself in.
Please also have a look at our article Help I have just become a single parent, which has some great information and you might also be interested in How to recover from a broken heart.
I am glad that you have the support of your family, please do lean on them during this time. You need to be gentle with yourself.
If you were to decide that you can't move to the new place, could you stay where you are?
Thank you.
i will have a look. Iv already sent a question to the legal advisor as suggested by Louise.
i will lean on them a lot. I'm going to need all the support they can give me at the moment.
unfortunately not. We are in rented accommodation and the landlord has already served notice on us as he has sold the house. So the longest I can stay is until 3 October. So to be honest I think I might stay here until the notice is up and try to find a cheaper property nearer to my family.
thanks for your message. And I will check out those links
hi hun really sorry, i understand a little bit what ur going thru, my ex ad a girlfriend and new baby i knew nothing bout,all cum out in court a she took me court for access,we have 2 half yr old little girl together,hope ur ok really do,xx is ur ex to b trusted with the baby, x
Oh my god, that's awful! Well I'm starting to feel more angry now, so that's helping me get things sorted. He can an he can't. He's a good dad, when he bothers. Problem is he hasn't actually built any kind of relationship with our daughter. Every time he picks her up she cries, and that's because he's never at home. Now I know why! he already has a daughter from a previous relationship and to be honest whenever she comes and stays with us it's me that looks after her, and it's been that way since she was a baby. I'm just really concerned that he's not going to bother with her an some other woman will be looking after my daughter when she goes to see him.
hi hun well i was in bad relationship, i av very long thread onn here lo called on edge av alook, my ex isnt allowed contact at all, i also av indefinate non molestation order, and i now av full residence of our dawter,he was always lettin me down he hardly saw our dawter,i ende dit, but ad get polcie get rid of him, he vioelnt man, long criminal record, he lied alway thru court failed 2 drug tests, lot more but to much to say lol. final hearin in august, cafacss on my side thank god, hope ur ok hunx
Hello RApp
Anger is good if you can harness the energy to use it to help yourself 
The housing issue seems one where you will need to use some energy but you have until October to sort things out so that is good.
Stay calm and focused...you can do this!
hi rapp, i found out my ex was having an affair when our daughter was a few weeks old, it was turmoil!
if you allow him to have contact try an arrange a contact centre. this is a place where parents have contact with their children. to try and build a relationship or in cases where its safer for the child to be at a centre. search on internet for ur nearest contact centre and then speak to the manager there. this might be more reassuring for you than having him pick her up directly from you esp since she is so young and doesnt know him well. the staff and volunteers at the centre will help him play/look after her whilst he has contact.
Hi chocolate81
i never thought of a contact centre, thanks for the suggestion. I would feel much better if he had supervised contact in order to build a relationship with my daughter. And he will at least be shown how to interact and look after her.
again, thanks for the suggestion
Hellp RApp and welcome along. There is plenty of support here, as I hope you have already seen when reading some of the threads
What a terrible shock for you, and just when you have only had your daughter a few weeks ago. Are you settled in your home and sorted with your job, as I got the impression was the case? If so then apart from the obvious emotional complications then the main thing is to think about your baby as you say. In terms of him seeing her, she is very young to be just "handed over" and the exepotation would usually be that if he wants to see the baby, he does so at your house, buidling up to taking her out for an hour etc etc. Only when she is older and has a definite bond with him would it be recommended for him to have longer parenting time and overnight care often does not start until the child is around two years old.....provided a bond is there.
It may be that if you decide to proceed on these lines ie that he sees her at your house then things will become more confrontational so I suggest you get some legal advice. You can email our Legal Expert by clicking here
As far as going back to work is concerned, you don't need to rush into a decision yet. Were you there fulltime? can you go part time? Have a look at some info about materntiy leave by clicking here
How are you feeling in yourself about the split?