This site is an archive of the OneSpace Forums. Return to forum index.
This site is an archive of the OneSpace Forums. Return to forum index.
Well - hey there - first time on here and read some posts which made me feel slightly better and thought if I told my story then it may help others too...?
So - had a near perfect life - man of my dreams "the one" still is at least for me - nice house - nice area - nice life... He wanted a baby and I thought I had finally found the right man to be a father to our child (I'm 37) so we decided and got pregnant. Horrible pregnancy - worse birth but he was amazing throught out the birth. I was poorly afterwards and obviously focussed on our daughter.
One tuesday at 10 weeks old he said he was "tired of the 2 hour journey to and from work" so we discussed options including moving.
The next day he went to work and didn't come back. That was it. No discussion, no reason...gone. So he'd left owing me and my credit card £13,000. I couldn't afford to stay in the house so moved back in with my mother. Then helped him move and provided more cash as he was "desperate".
Then found a post on his facebook saying "nothing like waking up with a beautiful, gorgeous, sexy girl in your arms" - I'd asked 3 days earlier that if anyone came into his life, even drunken kisses - really important he told me - so I found this on facebook - he denied it til they split - he called up threatening suicide and I went running through.
Found out she was wasn't just a booty call due to the volume of clothes and shoes at his flat. So smashed a mirror and cut my wrist - not my finest hour.
Had applied for tax credits then they decided they wanted 7 years of tax history for me - currently looking at probaby a £5k to £15k bill and fine. Then work said my role was being made redundant.
Then was told that they wouldn't be able to be the research group for my Masters and it's too late to find another company.
He then refused to see our daughter and no card or Christmas present - went round to drop his off and he wouldn't even open the door. Said to leave them on the mat and go. So... that where I'm at.
I've managed 5 days in 5 months without crying and every single day hurts and is so difficult but I'm still here. Sometimes only just, but I am. I have and still suffer with depression but I'm still here. I know things may get worse yet, but I also know they will get better because I won't let my daughter down. I'll provide the stability and love she needs and ensure her world is stable even if mine collaspes daily.
It's hard - and I find every day torture . I feel like a living shell of someone who used to be - an empty carcass but that's for me and no one else to know (apart from you all now x) but I'm still here. I wanted others who are living in hell to know they're not the only ones and that focus on each day as it comes - forget about the day, week or month after and take small bite size pieces at life and eventually that occasional good day will be 2 days, then a week, then a month. I'm still doing it day by day but can see the light - I hope - that will eventually be there.
Hope this helps others that are living in darkness x
Hi Shaz
Thanks for the message - HV says I have depression and offered counselling but did nothing further so I assume that she has more important cases which is ok. Know there are worst cases than me. Not been to CAB - have accountants trying to sort the tax bit and called ACAS about the redundancy but it's all legal. Uni have offerred an extension but means I won't graduate for a further 6 months and really wanted to get it finished asap. But slowly starting to have those occasion good days. Keep trying to stay in touch with the ex as really wanted him to have a relationship with our daughter but he just isn't interested but he's being treated for depression and I don't know how much is him and how much is the depression. Also he changed so much - really rude and ignorant now so part of me says just to leave it and maybe one day he'll want to be her father and I'm tired of trying to force a relationship between them. Stayed intouch and still do but he's not bothered, sent him photo's from phone but feels like she could be any baby to him - a strangers almost - he doesn't talk to me apart from making up stories and lies or not at all. Feel really guilty for my girl and don't know what's best to do for her?
Again thanks for the message x Snowy x
Hi Snowy, thank you for sharing your story. Although devastating, it sounds as though you have some strong inner resources that are helping you get through day by day.
shaz5 suggested contacting the Citizens Advice Bureau, it would be really good to get support and advice with all of the money situation.
Are you still in contact with your ex now? Does he see your daughter? Are you still supporting him? Do you go to mother and baby groups? Have you considered counselling?
So many questions! Sorry! Looking forward to getting to know you and supporting you on your journey 
Hey Anna
May go see CAB as you recommend it too - I'm conerned if I end up with a huge tax bill that they'll just stop my tax credit and my childcare is going to be £800 pcm so bit worried. Still in contact - I love and miss him but honestly don't think I want him back. Living in the past and it's not healthy but it was so unexpected and it could have been so good. Not supporting him financially anymore and he's not interested in seeing his daughter. I don't know why and he just won't talk. Not done the mother and baby groups since I moved back to my mum's - probably a good idea if I did but don't think I will. Not a people person anymore. Just want to curl up. Counselling would be good but takes so long to get so is there any point. Some days I think I'm bipolar I'm so up and down but i just focus on the stability and vibe my girl needs and fake it x Don't know whether to keep trying to push a relationship with his girl when he's changed so much, is being treated for depression and is very badly in debt. Do we just leave him to it? Do we stick around? Don't know - just want to do what's best for her? Has a bad effect on me every time I text or hear from him but sometimes I just want it to be how it was... Head very scrambled.. :) x
Hello Snowy,
maybe this will help you a little bit: I still remember a story of one young man who's father left their family immediately after his brother become 18 years old... they were very lost as parents didnt fight, never quarrel...
I sepparated with the father of my son because I had to leave to my home country. He didnt ask to stay... so I didnt try to stay especialy that I didnt had a job at that time in London. After 2-3 weeks at home I have realised that I'm pregnant... alone ...
Dont give up. You have someone who loves you unconditionaly - your daughter! And your mother gives you a hand. Peace by peace you'll sort out your problems. and you know, CRY, cry if you can. It helps. Earlier I was stoping myself from crying. Now I have to help myself to cry. If my son worries when he sees my cry, I smile and say that when its sad its good to cry it out ;)
If you like music, here is a strong song, very beautifull voice, about love, probably about sad things, but something lifts the spirit up or doesnt let go down compleately. I hope you'll like it or it will inspire you to look for something which inspire you ;)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H2EdYnAs5iE&feature=related
;)
Be strong, we say women is strong as earth - they will cope with everything...
Bee
Hi and welcome Snowy,
I have to agree with the other comments in regards to getting some help around your money issues.
You say that you feel like your bi polar up and down all the time this is normal to feel this way, if you read through some of the other post that are on this site you will find that many others have experienced these same emotional swings and reading their posts may help you feel supported and see that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
You mentioned that you focus on the vibe that your daughter needs and fake it, i wondered what you mean't by that? children are really perceptive, babies more so in picking up signals from us even when we are faking it. I know that counselling can take a while, but i would strongly recommend it, problems that have us feeling low generally don't go away over night and it can help us to talk about it as well as help us in moving forward.
Do you have friends that support you? Do you have any plans for the weekend?
Hi Sally
Thank you for the message x The faking it - because how often I've cried and sometimes I've not been able to hide it I've stuck a big smile on my face to her... must have confused the heck out of her but she does look for visual clues now all the time. Last week I was so tired as although she is 7 months, she can wake upto every 20 mins through the night - it's normally every 1.5 to 2 hours. I'd had no sleep the night before and then she was crying again. I went in and just with the whole situation started crying - everything seemed utterly pointless and pointless trying to hide it. So I started crying and just couldn't put the smile on my face. She immediately stopped crying and at 7 months started to try brush the tears off my cheeks and started patting my arm. Probably then I realised she'd seen more than she ever should have, more than I'd realised and then that I thought if this is what being in touch with my ex does to me - maybe I shouldn't be (obviously unless he wants to see her or be part of her life). So most of the time I just fake it and hope I can distract her enough to not know how sad mummy is. Not sure it works but just want stability and security for her.
The weekend... as I'm at my mum's, my daughter and I share a room and it's not great for her and it's killing me from sleep depravation. My job means I can drive upto 900 miles in a week - drifted off a few times this week so moving my bed into the living room - dreading us not being in the room together - her not being next to me - making me cry just typing it - but I know it's best for her (and me).
Anyway - thanks again for the message - will go see doc re. counselling next week - can't hurt. Hope you have a lovely weekend whatever you do and thank you so much for the support xx
Hi Bee
Thank you and your support is truly appreciated - I really like the "women is strong as the earth" quote x
Thanks
x
Hi Snowy, I've just realised that our posts got crossed yesterday and I was asking about your ex and you had just said how you were feeling. Apologies for that.
You do have an awful lot going on right now, so it is unsuprising that you feel all over the place.
When do you next see your health visitor? Push her for the counselling, if you are being offered it, grab it with both hands, counselling changed my life and I encourage everyone to give it at a go!
You have a very young child who is not sleeping. Why do you think she is not sleeping for longer than 2 hours at a time?
Its interesting because I am writing this and remembering when my daughter was that age, she didn't sleep through until I became settled, Sally is right, they do pick up on our vibes.
Crying in front of her in the middle of the night........I think we have all been there!! I guess its how we recover from it, is the healthy part. They are sponges at the moment. If you can get through the moment and heave a huge sigh then smile, then that is not faking it, it is real and teaching real emotions.
You seem to know the answer regarding your ex. It sounds as though that is one thing you can let go of and get on with your life. If and when he decides he wants contact or to change the situation, you can deal with that then. Right now you have enough on your plate without having to second guess him or desire something he is incapable of providing at the moment.
Keep going Snowy, these are difficult times, but you will get through them, you are not alone :)
Anna xxx thank you
Hi Snowy. I just wanted to welcome you along. Take little steps, and one day you'll find you are through the worst. Let us know how you get on with your GP. Tell them everything, don't hold back, that's what they are there for, to help. This is a fantastic site, and everyone is so supportive, so do keep posting. Chin up. I hope you get a good night's sleep tonight. Mention your daughter not sleeping to the HV or GP too. Good luck. x
Hi Snowy,
I didnt understand why do you go to sleep in another room? Sorry.
Hi Snowy
I can imagine most of us on here can relate to how it feels to have a lack of sleep, my eldest daughter would wake hourly in the night until she got to a year old then she would be up about three times a night.
She was still getting up twice a night when her sister came along, so i was getting up to two children during the night, not sure how i managed it, i felt like i was on autopilot most of the time.
Eventually i spoke with my health vistor, who gave me some great advice. From what you have said this regular waking is not her normal sleep pattern, there could be a couple of things causing this constant waking in the night, it would be worth speaking to your health vistor if you haven't already.
Would your mum be able to check on your daugther for a night, so you could get a good nights sleep?
I would also recommend getting out and about i know it can be difficult to put yourself out there,especially when your feeling low etc, but in my experience though it was difficult it was probably one of the best decisions i have ever made.
My children benefited from it also, new play mates, different toys, exercise and eventually i made some new friends too and i say eventually because it can take time to relax and be yourself and feel comfortable enough to share. oh and i nearly forgot to mention the most important bit i was happier
Hi - thank you so much for the support - I'm sure you know already but it's really appreciated x
Bee - The reason I've started sleeping in another room is that when she goes tp bed alone - she sleeps beautifully normally but as soon as I go to bed she wakes constantly - I think she senses I'm in the room and naturally wants attention, comfort etc - I oved my bed into the sitting room now - it's not ideal but hoping she'll sleep better - we will see :)
Sally - again good advice - she's started nursery doing 3 sessions a week so I can work and study more - but I may go back to the post natal group to say hello - really nice people but no single mum's - everyone's married or living with and just feel embarrassed saying about being left because everyone goes silent and doesn't know what to say next - it's really awkward - I try remember it was his decision and choice but still feels like it's my fault. I was crying alot earlier as I feel so guilty for my little girl - I had a crappy and abusive childhood - worse than some of the books written now a days - and it left me with baggage unsurprisingly - and all... all I'd wanted is for daughter's world to be safe and secure.. getting upset again... I just wanted her to know she is loved and safe and she's already going to have to deal with her father leaving and not wanting to know from when she was less than 3 months old. Feels like I've screwed it up for her already and I wanted her worst worry/thought/concern to be whether she preferred strawberry or chocolate ice cream. How do I ever explain it to her? I know it's along way off but even my neice (4) asked last time I saw her "why doesn't S have a daddy" and I just said "he left" and went upstairs to cry. How do you make it ok for them. I try to think that it just being me will be her "norm" but how do you explain it so that it doesn't leave them with any baggage - almost positively I suppose - I don't want her having negative feelings about herself or her father or anything?
Dear Snowy,
you are strong and marvelous woman - alone and coping with all of this. especially if you had little support and happiness in your childhood. You are SUPPER :) My child is nearly 7. I had a huge fear what other kids will be telling to him that he doesnt have father ;) I was allways telling him that he HAS A FATHER, but he LIVES NOT WITH US. Its a positive statement and its true; ALL KIDS HAS FATHER and be calm and firm with that and usualy they are born from love. LIfe is life and people change and split up sometimes... My calm sayings helped. Even my child saw father when he was 2 weeks, 6 months old he felt OK about such situation and was firm (because I was) telling he has father, but he lives not with us. The situation was a bit better for me because his father first year was sending tapes with fairytales read by himself , BUT he didnt participated in care(not to mention money): gave no ideas how to cure some sickness (I ask serious questions not how to help to cure cold) as father is therapist and knows more than me about alternative healing , etc.. FAther refused to stay my FRIEND. what was VERY important to me. He said I will never do anything for you.... I had many sadness and anger. But ... I was happy that he wasnt my first man and that our contact was short. My heart really goes for woman who are left after 20 years for a younger woman... But ofcourse I gone throught pain when I was left. I understand you and I would love to help you to see that:
your child HAS A FATHER
father IS IN DIFFICULT SITUATION
you to are going through DISAPPOINTMENT with life and coping with difficult situation. and thats NORMAL. ofcourse sad, but not need to hide your sadness (what a crazy culture we have of white teeth smiles ALL the time ;)
You both LIVE SEPARATELY
If he doesnt care, so he is NOT A TRULY LOVING PERSON. And thats HIS problem.
If you will have to tell this to 4 or 60 y.o. people tell it with firm, calm voice and be proud of yourself:
YOU LOVED (many doesnt find a partner or doesnt dear to go into realtionship),
YOU HAS HAD A FRUIT OF THAT LOVE (you havent killed a little homan inside of you, but many woman had to cope with that),
YOU CARE about a MARVELOUS CHILD (who hasnt got serious sikness, etc, WHAT A JOY!),
YOU ARE AND WILL BE WORLD, SHELTER, LOVE, HAPPINESS for your child, you dont need to have heeps of money, etc. to proove it. Babies needs loving mom even she is sad ;) your baby accepted you crying ;) even patted your hand ;) babys doesnt need toys. Its marketing. Look for books which tells about main things in parenting, not those journals which makes you think you have to be a superman with partner and be able to buy all popular stuff. HAve you heard about a book The continuum concept: in search of happiness lost by J. Liedloff?
and please, think GOOD about yourself. You didnt scruid up anything. You are just in not popular condition of life. What cool people swedes are, they have books for kids where there are no fathers, just to present for a child that FAMILY is also FAMILY if there is no father. In my country government wanted to accept idea that family is only a married couple...
and who knows when you might meet someone who will be realy for you and for your daughter?
You never know ;)
Your daughter is safe, secure and loved. You are giving her that. You can have a good life as a lone-parent unit with your daughter. On one hand, as she gets older, she will ask questions about her Father, but I doubt she'll worry too much about things.
If a home is loving and happy, I really do think that is what a child needs more than anything.
In darker days - and I still at times have to remind myself to to this - try to pack some laughter in somewhere. It is music for me (usually Killers, but now its Rhianna with Kalvin Harris). I often say that my children are my reason for breathing, but coming to the conclusion that music could well be too.
I've always done things on my own with my lot, even when I was married, as The Git chose not to join in with things. I think there are uncomfortable silences when you first walk into a group, even if you know some there. I do think its down to curiosity though, and perhaps the need to get comfortable with someone new before conversation can be relaxed again. I honestly don't believe it's down to being a lone-parent. Funny thing was some people didn't realise we'd split up for a long time
Be kind to you...
Bee xxx thank you - made me cry but only because of your kindness. I'll go look for the Swedish books - I've kind of got myself round the idea family can just be me and her - want to make sure she knows this to. The advice is really appreciated x
Hi Sparklinglime
Thankyou for the support - again it took a while for me to realise that a loving positive home with one is better than an arguing angry negative one with two and that's one of the reasons I wouldn't go back. He drank, we argued, he'd walk out and maybe not come back for a couple of days - picked him out of a gutter before now, and it just would never be good for a child in that world even on a good day.
The gym used to be my saviour growing up - hoping to maybe get back to it - everything else could be bad but having that as a constant kept me alive. Thank you for reminding me of that xx Music - Jessie J and Pink help keep me strong with a little Nickelback just to remind me of who I was before and hopefully will be again.. alot stronger.
Thank you lots x
Dear Snowy, all your thoughts are very natural at this stage, however do not berate yourself, that helps no-one.
We have often talked on the boards about being a lone parent surrounded by two parent families, it can feel intimidating and demoralising, but we then come to the point when we realise all is not rosy within those families and we feel liberated and relieved that our life is our own!!
I think sparklinglime, makes a good point - a family is about the people who are in it, not what is missing.
You might like our You Tube video that we made with 20 single parents - 20 thoughts
Bee also posts a fantastic message and we also have an article called How to talk to your child about an absent parent for things to consider as your daughter gets older.
Any news on counselling?
Hi Anna
Thank you for the support :) I went to stay with my brother and his wife for a few days and they love each other, have a couple of children but constantly bicker and argue in front of them, over everything. Not heated particularly but the kids get used or brought into it sometimes. Took about a day for me to realise that not having that would be a benefit! Will definately look at those articles and you tube. Spoke to the doctor's and they offerred tablets and the HV said she'd see what she could do but she was free to chat sometime. Didn't really fill me with confidence but I'll see what happens with the doctor.
Thanks again x
Hi Anna
Just looked at the you tube and it has some good thoughts - ones I'd not considered too. The explanation page not to sure of honestly - saying "he's very busy" doesn't feel right, acknowleding how they feel I think is really good and liked that, and the swift move on may only work for a while. But food for thought - Bee mentioned some books which I'm going to nosey at - thank heavens for Amazon - where would be now.... ! x
Hi Snowy
Welcome to One Space, I have been away for a few days.
I would endorse everything the others said, and as for the no sleeping, well Sally has done an excellent post about that.
Your daughter is a baby and it will be a long time before she starts asking questions about her dad....by which time you will be in a very different place emotionally. If others ask, then reply very briefly. To your niece you can say "X's dad lives in a different house" When she says "Why?" you say "Because he does"....and change the subject. The "daddy is busy" line is only useful for an older child who wonders why daddy does not bother with them. If adults ask about your daughter's dad then you could say something along the lines of " we have separated; and I dont' feel like talking about it right now" and change the subject.
And do start those baby steps towards getting to know some new people, with the groups and the Health Visitor. You are doing great and we are with you all the way
Hi Louise
Thank you for your support and especially the advice on what to say to others - something I really struggle with. I'll let you know how I get on.
Snowy x
Hi Snowy,
I hope you are fine. I found interesting ideas in a book "Its healthy to get angry" (dont know exact title in english as its translated from german) written by Dr. Gunther Scheich. I just borrowed it from library but I'm allready happy with the idea that its not healthy to prevent yourself from negative thoughts and only think positively. Life has day and night so as it goes in life: there are bad and good moments.
about those tricky questions. I was also not happy to hear them, but anyway my son naturaly asked me once: does father has other children? does he has a wife? does he loves you? does he loves me? Very hard questions.. But hmmm. I know that relationship sometimes doesnt stick and there is nothing to do. so I very naturaly and calmly answered that yes, he has partner, kids, that he loved me when we were together and he loves you as he can. If your ex doesnt show any emotions to your daughter so maybe its good to say that sometimes people are incapable to love... and that is their problem not yours or your daughters. Be firm, you can do it. I love Nike old advertisement: "its not the shape you are, its the shape you are in those matters, just do it" ;) s l o w l y ;) not expecting perfectiness. start from a good cup of tea, green or yoga (loose tea usually is better than that in bags ;) it will fill your body with vitamines, oxidants, will boost you up and relax you. If you can smell and choose your favorite tea, cup. TEa therapy ;) Tickle and hug your daughter. SHE LOVES YOU THE WAY YOU ARE ;) Be happy together.
Many good wishes to you and let an army of angels be arround you ;)
ps nicklebak is great, I also love some of his songs, goodnight
Hi Bee
Really appreciate the advice around answering questions - saw my ex the other day - refused to see me with our daughter or discuss her when I saw him (which had been the point of meeting him) but instead wanted me to not bother picking her up and go out drinking with him instead. Or wanted us to go out one night together. Was shocked and annoyed that he thought he could ask me and then to think I'd be as irresponsible as him. But it made me realise something - I thought he didn't want me for sooooo many reasons - not losing baby weight, not dressing well, not coping and knowing how to do everything with my girl and not being Angelina Jolie! At one stage I thought I shouldn't wear my glasses when I held my daughter incase she loved me less... nuts I know. But after spending an hour with him realise that his issue is her. Made me sad. He doesn't want to be bothered, spend the time etc. I felt better that it wasn't me but sad for her - his loss tho... he'll realise in a few years and it's such a shame. I also realised that I would never put anyone before her - I knew it already but really felt it then. I love him and miss him but he not worth an extra minute away from her - was sad seeing him but reassuring that I was doing the right thing and that it really was him and not my fault.
Again thanks for the support,
Snowy x
Well done Snowy, so painful for you, but it sounds as though you have your head screwed on!
You are bright woman and your future is bright, try not to worry about the 'what ifs' of the future, today is the day to focus on.
I think your ex was very good at playing psychological head games on you. I lived with that too and I too had the same thinking regarding my glasses!!! 
However about 3 years of splitting up, I discarded my contacts and wore my glasses for a whole year, morning, noon and night! And do you know what, I got more attention from the opposite sex than ever before!!
I am back to contacts again now, but forcing myself to wear glasses in public was really therapeutic for me, as is helped my gain confidence in 'me', not the persona my ex wanted me to be.
Did you visit the doctor?
Oh ;) as I cant wear linses I have to be with glasses all the time. My problem was that at certain stage my son (about 1.8 y.o.) couldnt stand me WITHOUT glasses. I had even go to sleep WITH glasses ;) but soon it finished thanks god. First year, while raising my son, I had fear to dance. Dance, moovment is my life, but I was shy to moove freely even at home with my son. Moovements were kinda not free, I wasnt relaxed. Felt not right...
Take care
Bee
Hope you are enjoying dancing now, Bee
Snowy, just another thought, would you consider having some counselling? just thinking about your childhood issues and how your original expectations for your own daughter are changing now.
Hello, Snowy, wonder if you are ok. It would be sad if you are struggling out there alone. I hope you are Ok, and rest of you too. Greetings!
Hi Bee! How are you? Nice to 'see' you again.
What have you been up to since we last 'saw' you??
Hello,
oh I am going throught my seas and mountains ;) you know, ups and downs. Many worries ;) I'm happy to have nice people near, it helps to survive ;) I am preparing to write that letter to EU; awaiting for the moment when we will really have to choose school for my child. Thats the biggest worry of mine these days. and I'm coping with little sorrow that I will not have a second child ;(, my one and only becomes more and more bigger , so on one hand I am loosing my child ;) Sometimes I'm sad observing influence of outer world and friends on him and not having means to create him another circumstancies. I'm dreaming of having house and garden, dog, cat... bigger family ... ;)
what about you? ;) do you have tel no of Snowy? I'm worried about her.
Hi Bee
It is difficult to watch our children grow up and move further into the bigger world and out of our reach isn't it, however it brings with it new life for ourselves.
Are you worrying about your child going into secondary school, or worrying that he won't get into the one that you want for him?
We have not heard from snowy for a while have we? We are not able to contact her to ask how she is, hopefully she will get an email notifying her that new comments have been posted on her thread.
welcome on board snowy. yes it is hard at the first and likewise im nearly 9 months on since my ex left and yes i do still cry and have down days but they do get better . this site is really good for letting off steam and to get advice . my ex found his new love from face book being a old school friend . i did too felt like giving up when my love went but i had 2 boys to live and focus on and you have your daughter . having found this out after giving birth about your partner was horrible for you and you may be suffering post natal depression, if you had a horrible birth i know i did after my second child was born due to a horrible birth too . im not saying that you are but it is not nice time for you and im glad you have your mom by you at this time. there will be others that will post links on here to help and give you links for help so stay on here . have you been to cab for advice ? and yes you are right in saying you have to take it step by step and slowly and for us all there will be light and happiness x