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Hello everyone. I have been here before, but forgot my log in and password so i created a new account.
I have had many problems and have found the support from you all, wonderful and enriching in the past. I now have a new problem and the first place i thought to turn was to you.
This may be long, but it best if i include all i can so you can get the larger picture of my present struggle.
I have a friend, who has been in my life for well over 7 years. For about 6 years of this, we have been on/off seeing eachother. Nothing ever really complicated and when a split did occur, our friendship stayed as stong and true as ever. I will admit, he may not be the best choice of person, or even what people expect me to be with, he is slightly chavvy (something i have never even been close to haha, im more boho), he has gotten drunk in the past and had fights, is unemployed and recently (january)... He was released from prison after a one and a half year stretch.
I had moved house while he was in prison and he tracked down my address. He started to write, at first i was reluctant, but after two letters i wrote back to him. Our friendship carried on as normal (all be it on paper), he was a great support when my ex boyfriend and i split and i couldnt fault him on his support when i lost our baby 2 days after the split. Anyway he got out on January 9th and we met up, like before the friendship continued as normal. He started inviting me out for drinks, taking me to parties, meals ect. We ended up in a relationship by febuary 2nd. Things were going great, then in march, while at a friends for drinks and food, he got nasty. Throughout the night he started calling me a slag, a bitch and a scouse bitch (im from liverpool). It then turned to mocking me because i come from liverpool. Things like (in his exact words) ''your a f***ing scouse slag. A bunch of theifs, murderers and child rapers'' EXCUSE ME !!! It hurt when he did it and i, as any self respecting person would, tried to defend myself. I told him people from manchester were no better, that rape, murder and theft happen all over the world, everyday. That he shouldnt judge me, or anybody else on their birth place. He carried on and on and on. He called my little brother a rapist and for me that was the last straw (my brother is only 17). I shouted at him ''How dare you say anything like that to me ! You need to take a long, hard look at yourself if YOU think YOUR more superior than me. I have obviously lowered my standards if i chose you out the lot''. He stood up and spat in my face. I was in such shock that i just stood there and stared at him a moment. He was smiling at me smuggly. His friends stepped in and told him he was out of order. About 5 minutes later, he was asking me to sit on his knee and give him a cuddle. I was trying so hard not to cry and kept refusing. He kept on at me, in the end i sat next to him. He cuddled me, then we went into the spare room we were staying in. He stayed up all night refusing to sleep because he didnt want me to leave. I pretended to be asleep, hoping he would drop off and i could go home. He didnt. So i carried on pretending, he started to stroke my cheek (something he has never done, he NEVER shows affection) he then leaned over, kissed my cheek and whispered ''Please dont leave me''.
A couple of days later he took me to the park, where our friends were waiting for us. They had organised, games and a picnic for us all. The day was PERFECT. Sun was out, in good company, lovely food, a few cheeky glasses of wine for us girls and a few beers for the men. He was staring at me the whole time, sqigging closer to me, touching me whenever he could. I forgave him and my feelings came back.
Things went well. Then, they turned bad again. We ended up having an argument over a bloody cat, haha. Only this time, he didnt spit in my face. Instead he spat on the floor near my feet. All i said was i didnt want him to let the stray cat into my house, but him being him, he did. I did call him and a**e though. But there is still no excuse for spitting again. It turned nasty pretty quick, he then started to threaten me. Saying he would bury me, kill me ect. I told him to get out my house and he did with no argument. He kept texting me threats, like, ''if you ever speak to me or my brother again i will bury you. Try it and see what happens''. I ignored them and got on with it. I thought that was it.
2 days after that, his brother and i met up for a drink, he knew i was hurting and wanted to support me. I found out he had kept it a secret he was meeting up with me, but i didnt blame him. We then both recived a text. I got ''I know your with Jay'' he got ''Naughty boy''. Neither of us text him back, then he text me again, ''Where was my invite''. I allowed him to join us. He was well behaved and the argument was not mentioned. It was quite a pleasant evening..... Until i started to get pains. At first i ignored them, until they got stronger. It became obvious i was in pain and they both mothered over me. He stood up, bolt right, stared at me with big eyes and said ''Your pregnant'' i said it was impossible and i think the pains were just bad period pains, He said ''no, your pregnant''. He stayed over at mine that night, because he wanted to keep his eye on me. I was fne with it. Te next day i woke up to him asking when my last period was, i told him march 7th. ''So your due next week then ?'' , ''Yeah, wednesday'' , ''Not too early for a test then'' , he made me go to the chemist and buy 2 of them. We went back to mine and i said i would do it in the morning so i could get an accurate reading. Later on at about 4pm he text me, ''can you just take one now, i need to know'' , i agreed but said it was a waste of money and that im not pregnant. I did the test POSITIVE. What !?!?! He asked if i had done it and what was the result. All i could text back was ''pregnant'' he asked if i was being serious. I said yes but i will do the other tomorrow. I couldnt, i did the other one at about 9pm.... POSITIVE AGAIN ! I told him i did the other and that was positve aswell. He said he already told his mum and i should tell mine since she was staying with me at the time. But i couldnt. So the next night he came around to tell her with me. We told he and she just silently looked at me, pulled a face of pure anger and went to bed. Oops. We spoke that night and he begged me not to have an abortion, he said it was a beautiful life we had created and he couldnt wait to be a dad. I began to cry.
Over the next week i did 12 pregnancy tests in total. I couldnt believe i was pregnant again. I wasnt happy (and im still not 100% happy about it). He got angry when i mentioned that maybe, at this point in both our lives we shouldnt have a baby. He called me selfish, then began to beg me again. I agreed to have the baby. Im now 6 weeks.
He turned into the perfect person again, we didnt get back together since the fight about the cat, but never the less he has been wonderful. Paying a lot of attention to me ect. Then last week i got a text ''i want you to cuddle me tonight'' i said i would if i were there then he replied ''i want you to cuddle me because you want to, not cos i ask'' ay ? whats he going on about ? So i said ''i always do. But you have never cuddled me in all the years i have known you'' he replied ''thats because i dont want you to think there is more between us. Thats why i turn my back on you everytime''. That upset me.
Then a few nights ago, we got talking about love. He said it was a wasted emotion and he will never love someone. I sad, wait till the baby is here, then you will know what love is. He asked if i have loved someone. I told him i loved my daughters dad and he shouted !?!?! ''Get over it then and move on. See if we were together you would love him and i would be secod best. I never want to be second best'' why did he flip like that ? So i said ''no, i dont love him now, thats the past, but you still love your ex so i would be second best'' and he said ''you wouldnt be second best to me, you would be first. I swear i dont love her''........... Is it just me or is he struggling with his feelings for me ? Haha.
He text me 2 days ago ''Never lie to me or play mind games. Just honesty and trust'' weird or what to recieve that. He gives off such mixed messages. I dont know what to do about him. I dont understand him. Why is he doing this to me ? Why does he treat me this way ?
^^ Ever since then i have only had him try and contact me twice. Thats it. And considering ever since he got out of prison, he has text me at least once and hour bare minimum (when we arent together or asleep) this is odd behavior. I dont know what to do anymore.
Hi
I'm sorry that you've gone through all of this.
''Never lie to me or play mind games. Just honesty and trust'' Him texting that to you - mind games is certainly what he's playing.
Do take care.
Hi LolaAnnMitzy,
Its great to 'see' you again although I am sorry to hear of the circumstances.
Our emotions can get so confused at a time like this, but right now you have to think about you and only you.
Are you ready and able to have another baby? Will you have enough money? Do you have the mental strength to raise another child on your own.
Yes I do think you would be on your own, because from what you have just said in your previous post, you will only put up with his behaviour for a short while.
Do you have the support from friends and family to bring another child into this world?
Ok, now bringing him into the equation, is he going to support you? Is he going to stop spitting? Is he going to show you respect in front of a child, including your first?
Are you going to have a long battle ahead?
So many questions and I am so glad you have reached out to us here online.
What do you want to happen here?
I dont think i am ready. This is why i dont want to have another baby. Since the loss of my last pregnancy (unexpected aswell, yet still traumatic) i became broody for a short while. My mum picked up on it, but it all slipped away after a few months. She now thinks i have 'Trapped' him, but i havent. She doesnt see how upset i am about it.
We were all moving back to Liverpool for July time, so my little sister could enrole in secondary school without being the new girl and the same for my little one. Liverpool offers better education opportunitys for them both, since my little sister is severly educationally disabled and my little one is so intelligent that i could put her into a school where they can keep up with her. (Her teacher at our last parents evening said she has been put on to year 1 reading and writing material and in his opinion she was ready for year one. She is only a reception student and been in school since september). Anyway he has asked me not to move there. He said, exact words again ''F**k off, im not having a scouse kid. I hate Liverpool and the people in it. If you think i would go there to see it then think again''. This is just after him and his brother went there for a night out and he is going back this weekend ????? So if my mum still goes and she is adimant she is going, then i have lost every network of support i have here. I will be alone, bringing up his child. He says he will help when ever he can and support me, the baby and my daughter. But its still me that has to do all the work during the week while he comes to see it every friday or saturday for at least the first 18 months, because i will be breastfeeding and with my daughter i did it till she was 1 and a half. No bottles at all, not even if it was breastmilk in them. Same as my daughter when i had her aged 16. Thats just the way i like to do things. So it really wouldnt be fair on me. I had my mum when i had my little girl, who will i have now. My friends all work or are in university, they have super busy lives. I dont know where to go.
My mental state isnt good either. I was on Trazodone (300mg) because i have sever post-natal depression with Bipolar. The doctor should not have given them to me, but it was her last resort. I have a history of attempted suicide and self harm, since the age of 13 and when i had my little one it got worse and i ended up with post-natal depression. I was a beated child (by my father) from 2 years to 11 years, growing up in a home that my mother was being beaten daily. At aged 10 i began to use drugs, cannibis at first, then by aged 15 i was a crack addict and injecting speed. I was homeless, living in crack houses all over the place. I reached 5 and a half stone. By 16 i was a healthy 8 and a half stone, clean of drugs, living back with my mum and i met the love of my life, My daugters dad. Since taking my medication at 17 things were great, i have had bouts of self harm (last time was march, before that september when i lost the baby). Now im off them due to me being pregnant again and i can feel it all coming back.
My mum doesnt know about the things he has done to me, but she has made it clear she isnt happy im pregnant at all never mind with him. She really dislikes him and has since he got out of prison, he has changed a bit. She doesnt want me to proceed with the pregnancy, but isnt forcing me into a termination. She said what ever i decide, its not the end of the world. She has told me he wont be around, she said in 12 months time you will hardly ever see him. He will stick around for the novelty, but the moment that wears off he will be history. I can see it happening, but at the same time i cant. I have seen how he is with my daughter and his niece and nephews. He is absolutly wonderful. Him and my little one call eachother their best friend. When we are at his house he will sit next to her, with his arm around her shoulders. They talk all the time, build dens and play games and he is very protective of her. If we go out he wont let go of her hand for even a moment, he panicks if she climbs a small 1 foot wall haha, he is a nervious wreck when she is playing in the park and runs round after her in a sweat. She thinks its the funniest thing in the world and runs off even more haha. I can see him being a great father. He has never raised his voice to me when my little one is around and if she does something naughty he is the first to make her say sorry to me for the mess, the shout or tantrum ect.
Its just the way he treats me. One moment he cares and wants to see me and speak to me, the next he is someone i dont reconise, shouting, spitting, threatening. I just dont know what to do. All his friends and family have told him to treat me better and with more respect. His cousin and his brother both had a word with him 3 weeks ago when i found out i was pregnant. His brother said, ''Shes the best you ever had and the best your ever going to get'' haha and his cousin said ''you need to show a bit more respect now if shes having your baby. You can be speaking to her the way you do or spitting at her'' he denied spitting at my face until then. He thought i was making it up !!!
Im a bit lost.
I THINK I MAY HAVE MADE AN IMPROVMENT ! :)
A few mins after my comment i recived a text off D....
''No credit can you ring me please'' I did.
Normal convo at first then he puts one of his friends on for some reason
His friend- ''Oi you do you support Liverpool ?''
Me- ''No i dont like football''
His friend- ''Ok
I hear in the back ground as he is passing the phone back...
''Murdering, scouse, scum''
It isnt D, its his brother (J)
''You have a banging set of t*ts''
Shocked i asked him to put D on, he didnt. He started saying some stupid things like
''Come here, i wanna see you. Did Aj rape you?''
Me- ''No put D on''
His friend- ''Why are you talkin about you t*ts to his brother? Thats low that when he is right here. Bet you were s***ing around when he was locked up werent you, you f***ing slag''
Me- ''Put on now''
His brother- ''Aye up its D, what do you want?
Me- ''J put D on now''
His brother- ''It is D, what you talking about. You know i only com to see you for booze''
I heared D shouting
''Oi what you saying to her, pass me the phone''
''Sorry, there just being idiots, i was in the loo''
Funny that, since i heard him laughing in the back ground.
Me- ''You need to start showing me more respect. Im not a laughing stock for you and your friends''
D- ''What you on about, get a grip''
Me- ''NO. You need to make your choice. Show some respect to me, for the sake of this child. Or, have no part in its life from now on.''
D- ''Thats low that is.''
Me- ''Its not at all. You verbally, emotionally, physically and racially abuse me. Either the abuse stops now or you have no part in this childs life''
D- ''What. F**k off you stupid bitch''
Me- ''See verbal abuse. If you dont want to show me respect then the choices change. Walk away from our lives and never darken our doorway again for the sake of the child, cos i dont want it growing up in a home i grew up in. Or, agree to a termination''
D- ''The power is always in te womans hands isnt it''
Me- ''No ALL the power is now in your hands, make your choice''
D- ''You know i want you to hae the baby, we have createda beautiful life''
Me- ''Then the abuse stops now''
D- ''Ok, Im sorry''
I hang up.
:) Feeling very proud of myself now. Just hope i have done the right thing. Its the strength from all of you that made me do it. Thank you x x x
Hi Lola,
I am new here so I dont know you from your posts before, but I do identify with your situation. many years ago when I split with my ex husband I was emotionally raw and not in a good place for a while, my Mum was dying of cancer and my self esteem was rock bottom. I foolishly got into a relationship that I thought at the time was what it felt like to be needed and loved by someone. In fact looking back now, I realise is was pressure and possessiveness. I must have sent out signals of wanting to be 'looked after' as normally i'm quite a strong person. This person came into my life seemed to take control and it felt good to not have to think for a while.
To cut a very long story short, he used all sorts of emotional tactics over time that involved me getting pregnant and him moving in with me. It lasted a week before I had to call the police and had the domestic violence officers involved :( By this time he was so hung up on our 'relationship' he was delutional, he started to stalk me physically and online. I felt I had no option but to have a termination. Eventually the harrassment stopped, although I moved address.
But when i look back now I see how emotionally vulnerable I was and how he played on that. But most of all I see that he was the one with HUGE self esteem issues, that he felt he could only cure by dominating someone else.
I fear if your friend does nothing to address his own fears, feelings or insecurities he will forever be needing someone else to try and fullfil them and fill that gap in his personality. Thats a dangerous trait to have.
I hope you find the strength to say no to this guy, because until he faces himself, he will continue to treat you this way and it will get worse not better.
hi r u ok,im from manchester, nothin wrong with scousers, i love accent, been out with couple scouse lads,plus gud night up liverpool,ive been thru termination, it aint nice,but u do whats best for u,im having trouble with my ex,harassing,all emotional abuse,cant get rid of him,hope ur ok matex
hi sounds like really childish lads really,not on is it,what are u gona dox
Hi Kiera. I am ok thank you, after i demanded respect he apologised. He hasnt been in touch since then, hopefully he will realise what he has done and learn from it. I dont think he realised what he was doing was abuse.
A few weeks ago he had mentioned how im always a little bit more quiet when im around him and i said its because i dont quite know how to act and what to say around him anymore. He said ''you make it sound like im controlling you''.
I suppose, looking back on it now, he was. Even i didnt realise then, i just thought 'What have i done to upset him. What did i say. Maybe he just doesnt want me around' ect.
Its just got to the point now, that it has to stop. If it doesnt, then i will give him the same choice again.... Respect me, or leave me, my daughter and this baby alone.
I hope he does realise what he has done and i hope he mean the apology. For his own sake. x
x
hi well im up, my 19 month old dawter just waking up all time,so tired al time,i even went bed early and was in bed an hr and half and she sti woke up,ineed to get her in own room,im sorting a decorater come and do room for me,last night i was tht stressed with my ex i threw my mobile in dogs water bowl,i kept sim,so now no fone but at least i wont get any txts off my ex,i get to stressed bout it,im goin round in circles all time with him, it never ends,he is very controllin, he seriously assaulted me on holiday,he blamed the shots, it was him not shots,he got thrown in cells for 5 days in tenerife,i ad go hospital, face a mess,cos the barman talked to me,i ad face my 3 kids aswell ,i said i had been in a moterbike accident,then i took him back 2 months later,what a fool,been threats,stalking,harssin ever since, wish he would disapear but i no e wont,
Hello LolaAnnMitzy
How are you this morning?
What do you think about what your mum says? it sounds to me as if she is talking a lot of sense there. You need to concentrate on you, and try to put him out of your thoughts right now. You have told him you are not prepared to be abused any longer, well done! but now you need to follow it through. The choices about the future are yours. He does not have to agree to a termination if that is what you decide to do.
We are here for you
Kiera, im sorry to hear you are having so much trouble with your ex. I really feel for you. You dont deserve to be treated that way. I am a firm believer of the saying 'If you love someone, let them go''. If he did love you, but could see he has hurt you and you arent happy anymore, he should love you enough and want you to find happiness. You deserve that and you deserve love. Hate, beatings and posessivness isnt love though. Its control. And your kids deserve to be in a safe and loving enviroment. What he is doing to you all is disgusting. If your kids have seen the bruises, shouting, crying and fights, as far as im concerned it then becomes child abuse. A few months ago, a large number of people in my local area took a massive disliking to me. It all circulated from one person. I had my house broken into, punched in my own home, in front of my daughter, things all over facebook that were just pure, vindictive and hurful lies (one of the worst being that i had been sleeping with underage boys ! That is just SICK), i had people waiting outside my daughters school to intimidate and shout abuse towards us both. A few times the head mistress hid us in the back of her car to take us to and from school. I became terrified. And all i can think of, why this person did it to me was because a week or so before it all happening, i had damaged his ego by knocking him back. And this was all from a man who claimed to 'Like' me and wanted to be my friend. All i wanted to do was scream. My poor baby was suffering because of that stupid man. I kept ringing the police and in the end they actually asked me to stop contacting them. I dont think they believed how bad it actually was. Sorry to ramble on haha. Anyway keep your chin up and you and your kids safe. Your doing well so just keep at it. You seem like a strong woman. x x x
I do think my mum is talking sence. I may not show it to her, but i do take note and listen to everything she says. (im still just slightly rebellious haha). I know she loves me and my daughter with all her heart and only wants the best for us. I feel guilty that i became pregnant. I have put her through a lot of unwanted stress because of my stupidity. She is also my carer, she has now refused to come to mine everyday to wake me up (my bipolar makes me sleep A LOT) she said after this i am on my own and if social services get involved and take my daughter from me, then its what i deserve. She has had enough of me. In the past 6 months, my bipolar took a massive turn for the worst. After my ex boyfriend and i split up, then i lost the baby, i sunk into a huge, huge hole. I started sleeping a lot, forgetting to take my daughter to school, self harming again, i then started palming my daughter off on my mum. Not because i didnt want her, i just knew that i wasnt caring for her properly at the time. So thats when my mum stepped in to care for me. Then her father passed away, she was left to care for me, my daughter, my little sister and take care of the funeral arrangments alone. She lost her job, then my little brother was sent away on wittness protection. He still isnt home. Now she has the stress of organising a big move back to Liverpool. While also finding out i am pregnant again, with a man she hates. I cant agree with her hate though. She hates him because she has judged him on a half brother of his who is a part of a family not so nice. He isnt anything like them, he doesnt even speak to any of them, but as far as my mums mind (which is known to be quite small minded at times) is concerned, he is nothing but a poor person who comes from a traveller family. So i cant agree. May i also add that my mum is a massive drinker aswell, just before people jump on the band wagon to defend her actions. She is nasty after a drink and has been violent to me aswell so even though i listen to her, sometimes i think she has no right to judge my life after she sat ther for years and watched my dad beat me and my sister from the age of 2 and 3 without even trying to help us. Sometimes she joined in if it took her fancy.
hi hun thanks for replying,god sounds awful what happened to u, warong init,was 2 half year ago what my ex did to me, when i think of all bad things he as said and done i think its really bad, i have 18 year old daughter at university,she hates him, he calls er awful names , and i think why do i keep going back to him,why, sometimes it seems easier cos of all the harassing he doesx
hi aw u been thru lot as well,my mum and dad hate my ex cos of what ex did to me on holiday,and when i got pregnant they wasnt happy, ex says god they hold a grudge dont they, i say if sum1 punched ur daughter in face twice and spat on er ud hate um as well,.fact, he dont say nothin to that,had 1 half hour kip last night,ope my daughter sleeps tonight,avu heard of ur bfriendx
Hello LolaAnnMitzy
How are you doing? Have you got any further with a decision about the pregnancy? Don't forget you can phone that number I provided.
hi how are u doin,hope ur ok hun, what u dong bout pregnancy, av u heard off ur boyfriend or is he ex,sorryx
Hi LolaAnnMitzy
I have just read the script of the phone call that you had with your 'friend' and his friends. That was absolutely shocking. I think it was brilliant that you said what you did, but don't hold out for anything drastic to change.
Do you really want a baby with this man, as he is right now? He does not get to choose whether you continue with this pregnancy, YOU ARE and I suggest you get talking to somebody soon. Do not let the decision be taken out of your hands.
You have quite a self healing and self discovery journey to go on, you have struggled with an awful lot in your past and I feel you need some time for you to learn about yourself. Give your daughter the best mum you can be. Bringing another baby into the equation means sleepless nights, aggro from an unsympathetic father, struggles with your mum and less time to be around your lovely little girl.
If you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy, you need to be sure that you are going to be able to cope financially, emotionally and mentally, otherwise it is unfair to all of you.
I am saying this as I see it, we spoke quite a lot when you first joined the boards last year and I am so sorry to read that you are faced with this dilemma.
Kiera, I have heard from him. He phoned last night and arranged to come and see me at some point tomorrow 'for a chat thats long over due' as he put it. He has something to do first so will probably be here for about 6pm. I asked who he was coming with and asked that his brother didnt come along and he said he has sent his brother home. He told me that what he needs to say is important and and it comes from the heart. He also said he was sorry again for what he has done to me, said he didnt realise it was upsetting me so much and that i should have told him ages ago if it was affecting me so badly. He said he never meant to hurt me, he was just having a laugh and he thought i knew that. But he also said sorry again because of the wrong things he has said to me, to hurt me.
Yes he is my ex. We have known eachother for along time 7 or 6 years, met when i was 14 and he was 16. The friendship just clicked and blossomed beautifully from the moment we met, i think it had a lot to do with, opposites attract. When i was 16 we started a relationship. On and off for many years, but we have never argued until this year. March was the first argument we have ever had. And he has NEVER in all the years prior to this year, said a bad word about me or have a bad word said about me. But when he got out of prison, he was just different. Prison must have changed him. He isnt one of these lads that goes in and comes out playing the big man. I think it was a real shock to him.
Im a bit nervious about 'the chat' tomorrow haha. I asked if it bad and he said ''no, its all good girl''. Maybe he just needed to be told what he was doing to make him realise.
As for your situation, this man keeps doing this to you after so long ? Can your mum and dad not take you in for a while ? I know when i was going through the trouble with the people around here, all i wanted was my mum. She moved in with me for a while and thy have slowly stopped. I saw the main culprit today, stood with 2 of my friends and his girlfriend. When they saw me they just stared. Worried me a bit but i just ignored them. If thats how they act at their ages their lives must be really pethetic and none existant. have better things to do with my time rather than stand around and be bullied or intimidated by a man who had his ego damaged. Clearly not the big, hard man he thinks he is if he was hurt that deeply.
Would you consider contacting womens aid ? They can offer you amazing support. I have an older sister who had a violent partner when she was 17. He son was taken from her due to the violence. Womens aid helped her a lot. She didnt want to go into a refuge so they organised that alarms be fitted around her house and she had a direct line to the police station. Aswell as the support she had. She is now married, with a 2 year old daughter, 6 month old son and two step sons aged 7 and 8. I have never seen her so happy. And it all thanks to womens aid.
I tried your link but it said it was no longer available. I have been to the doctors today and talked about my medication and the pregnancy. She is happy for me to come off them during the pregnancy if i choose to. She mentioned an obvious change in my moods and is comfortable i am ok. I am on a list awaiting councilling in the very near future.
I think i will have the baby. Ok i may not be working at the moment, which wasnt my plan. I wanted to get back into work as soon as my little one was in school. I have had little jobs here and there when she was in nursery but there just isnt any work around here. So i have decided to throw myself into education. I left school aged 14 due to bullying so i didnt have any GCSE's, over the years i have got myself a Level 1 and 2 english , Level 1 florestry , Level 1 interior design , Level 1 child care and obviously first aid ect. I used to do it all through Sure Start who i was working for up until i lost my previous pregnancy. I was a family support worker. So i think im going to attemp my maths again and hopefully next year college and then uni :D something i have wanted ever since leaving school. If i cant support us properly at the moment, i can at least work to give us a better future. All i want for my daughter is education. Maybe me doing so late on will help her to realise that it is important and she wont make the same mistakes i did.
Hi LolaAnnMitzy, you are not going to like what I am going to say, but I am going to say it anyway, because otherwise I would go home wishing that I had.
Your ex has said some very abusive things to you in the past and I am concerned that you are forgetting all of that. His behaviour has not changed since he has been in prison, you have talked of him before on these boards. When you first started seeing J, he was very abusive towards you. The language he uses is offensive, the way he talks about you and calls you names is appalling.
You said that maybe he just needed to be told, you did that and now he can see the error of his ways and apologised, please be aware that today he may be sorry, but next week, will he be feeling so remorseful once you have forgiven him? Few people learn that quickly.
You have a bright future ahead of you, you sound like an intelligent woman and I don't want to see you get hurt. So please, tonight, be on your guard. Whatever he wants to 'chat' with you about, remember you are not a plaything and your future and your little family is very important, please don't let anyone jeopardise that.
I look forward to hearing how it goes. Look after yourself.
Hi thank you for writing. My first posts about 'J' were of my ex, who i lost the baby too in September. I have kept myself well clear of him after the split and miscarriage when i found out that not only had he kept me a secret and treated me like a hotel, but he also cheated on me with 2 other girls and i later found out when he was on Holiday is Wales camping with friend (as you may remember) he was actually there with an underage girl ! They decided to 'run away together'. Dont worry, as soon as i found out about that i reported him to the Police.
D (this current man) has been in prison since October (i think) 2010 till January of this year. We were good friends who at age 16 i started a relationship with on and off. Like i said in my previous comment, this year is the first time he has ever been nasty, cruel and abusive towards me.
Therehave only been three men in my life..... D, my daughters dad and 'J'
By the way 'J' isnt D's brother J haha. Just to clear that up before people think im keeping it in the family.
I am on my guard with D coming tomorrow. I have told my best friend who lives literally about two minutes from my house. He knows he is coming and i have agreed to text him as soon as D arrives and also to find excuses to leave the room to send a quick text so he knows i am ok and when leaves. Because friend is worried if anything happens and he cant protect me (he said he's too camp to fight lol), he has also told his dad. I have known friend and his family since i was 8 years old so i know they will be there for me if i need them to be.
Thank you for your concern though. I does mean a lot that so many people care. I know how to look after myself, i may be a sensitive soul at times, but i have fought bigger and harder men than D. So he can try if he wants. I will keep you all posted.
Do take care
Hello Lola Ann Mitzy
Just to explain I have edited out the names in your post. Glad you cleared up the thing about D's brother as I was getting confused, I understand now.
I hope it will be Ok for you today. That is a great idea to have a friend on standby. It may be that D comes round tonight promising you the world, that he will be a good dad and look after you. However you need to make decisions about the baby and the future based on your OWN ability to cope, as if he were totally out of the picture. As Anna says, the usual pattern of abusive behaviour is that they can be totally repentant and seemingly lovely (and so we take them back) and then after a short while it all kicks off again.
I totally respect that you are an intelligent woman who can look after herself. I get the feeling, however, that you also want to care for this man and you feel a fair amount of compassion towards him and I am just saying don't let your caring nature cloud things. He is a grown man and responsible for himself, you have your little daughter (and possible new baby) to think of.
Will be thinking of you and we are here, whatever the outcome
Hi mitzy,
I just read your initial post at the top and felt compelled to respond. (I apologies if I repeat what anyone else has said am in the middle of studying and havent got time to read the replies.)
When i read your post I imediately recogninsed someone - me EX!!! The erratic behaviour, the immaturity, being possessive, being nasty one minute then sweet the next etc. My ex started exactly the same way and it only got worse. I was pregnant within 8 weeks of being with my ex and the day he found out I was pregnant the abuse began and only ever got worse. He threatened to kill me if I had an abortion too. He beat me quite badly 6 days after my due date and brought on my labour. He then kicked me between the legs after I came home from hospital from having the baby (bursting all my stitches) because he was 'jealous' I was giving baby too much attention.
I am not trying to scare you and I may be wrong but Please be careful Mitzy I dont think you need this man in you life at all. Forget how nice he has been for 6 years and just look at how he is NOW. Obviously he has been to prison so he has never been a saint.
Sorry if this isnt any help.
Thanks for sharing your experience, little angel.
hi how are u well my ex ringing constantly on house fone,i dont av a mobile as i threw it in water cos ex txting all time,he as left 8 messages so far,on 1 he says if u dont anser fone il come down later and dont even think ur going out with ur slagy mates,he says it to make me on edge,so then if iwas going out iwould be on edge, he as followed me before u c,x
Well he didnt turn up. He is ignoring my texts and phone calls and i just found out 'D' and his bother 'J' stole £30 off a woman today and that was her last till next Friday. So i sent him this text -
''Right well you have made your decision. And i now want you to stop all contact with me. Your obviously unreliable and that wont ever change. Because when the baby is here, if you manage to steal a womans last £30 off her again, you will drink it and not turn up to see him or her. Your a thief, a liar, abusive, a binge drinker and now unreliable. Goodbye.''
He hasnt been back in touch and i have now deleted his number. Good ridance.
hi hun aw no way thieving git,ur right my ex never changembeen going on 2 half years,he as ground me down, i just feel so alone.ne and kids all time,my mates have got their own lives,will ur ex leave u alone tho,how many weeks pregnant r ux
my dad isnt well ,he ad a brain hemorage and stroke in january,its been awful,nearly lost him,he is back at home, hes so down tho,pain in his head really bad,mum isnt well copeing with mi dad,so i dont want burden my mum and dad,i dont tell um anything what goes on u cx
I have read somewhere - "ask yourself a question - would you allow another woman to treat you in the same way"
Take care and I hope you believe you are worth more than being treated badly by friends or boyfriends
Hi LolaAnnMitzy
Well done for being strong about this but you have not heard the last of him. Try and focus on what you want for YOU now.
Hi kiera I will be chatting to you on your thread, hope you're ok.
hi hun how are u, really hope ur ok,av u heard off ex, what have u been up2x
Well he text me. He said ''what you on about dont send me nasty texts''........ I might have understood if i have text him but i havent. Either it has taken him over 24 hours to realsie what i said to him or he is just looking for a reaction. He kept texting saying i treat him like sh*t, that im F**ked up, a chav(lol funniest thing anyone has ever called me) he also said he is going to fight through the courts to see the baby and hunt down my daughters dad to tell him i have failed her as a mother. That infuriated me beyond belif. I couldnt help but text back then, i said..
''you can fight all you want, you will never win. Your a criminal, violent and have an alcohol problem and (daughters name)'s dad would never believe a word that came out of your chavvy arse mouth. If i am ever nasty to you, maybe its because of the way you have treated me. I dont want you in our lives, your too volitile. Dont text me again. Goodbye''
Had my best friend round at the time and we both got a little scared. We locked my door's, closed all the curtains and sat in the dark haha. Really got us worried for a moment. I noticed from the way he tries to make out im the one with a screw loose and that im the one who treats him like dirt, that abusive partners usually do that. I remember my dad doing it to my mum. She thought she was going mad. But she wasnt, it was him trying to control her and im not letting him do it to me.
He was suppose to come on saturday night but he didnt, thats when i told him not to contact me again. But the night before, i got a text off him....
''Im near yours with 'J' can we come up for 2 mins, need the loo''
i said ok
They didnt leave for an hour ! At one point 'J' laughed really loud and i thought i heard my daughter wake up, so went to check. She wasnt and as i was leaving her room i heard 'D' say to 'J'...
''She hasnt even put any music on or anything the fat bitch''
At that point i just started making them feel really uncomfortable so they would leave. I didnt speak to them when they spoke to me, i didnt offer them a drink when i made one for myself and when ever they spoke directly to me i just ignored what they said haha. It worked though, they were gone within 10 mins.
Feeling hurt though.I keep looking at myself and thinking ''am i fat ?'' , ''am i ugly ?'' , ''am i the one in the wrong?'' i dont want him to get into my head, but he is. He accused me of playing 'mind games' tonight. He text ''You will never get into my head or my heart you just play mind games''
So i said ''in your head or your heart is the last place i want to be''
What have i dont to upset him so much ? Why is he treating me this way ? I dont think i have ever done anything to him.
hi god he sounds awful, if i told u everything ny ex as said and done ud probably think hes vile man,yet he is stil in my life,ur ex is so disrespectful,u dont need it tho do u,r u keeping babyx
LolaAnnMitzy I urge you to stop thinking you have done anything wrong - it is not you - what would you say if someone wrote this post to you?
LolaAnnMitzy, you recognise that this is abusive behaviour as you saw your dad do the same to your mum.
You can not reason with abusive men. So its best to not even try. You haven't ever done anything wrong by D, but he continues to treat you like this. He is the one playing mind games and although you recognise it in your head you don't seem to be telling your heart this.
Everytime you respond to one of his texts, nasty or not, you are inviting him to continue the abuse. You need to leave it alone now, if you don't want this kind of behaviour in your or your daughters life.
I would really like you to consider contacting the Domestic Abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247 as I think you would really benefit from some face to face support.
You need to keep your boundaries up. When you sent him the text after he stole the £30 you asked him to stop contacting you, which he did for a couple of days - I doubt at your request, but so he could figure out his next move. Then he rang to say he was around the corner and need the loo 
and you let him come round??
Have a look at the name that you chose to give this discussion thread - I'm pregnant and he is awful to me. That is not a healthy place to be in for a women at the start of her pregnancy. Domestic abuse can often start during pregnancy and it the time when a woman is most vulnerable.
You need to make a choice about your future and now is the best time to do it. You need to put your foot down.
Have you ever called an abuse helpline before?
No i have never spoken to anyone about this or anyother abuse i have ever sufered. My best friend told me to last night but i just looked at him like he had gone out. If i rang for support im scared they wont think that im suffering abuse at all. He has never hit me, grabbed me or anything like that. The worst is he spat in my face. He does scare me though. I know he is trying to make out im the bad one, but if someone spits in your face, your going to loose trust and not want them around. When he came for the loo, i know he was playing when he pulled my hair every so slightly. It was literally meant in gest, but at the time i was scared. I dont know why. He tried to put his hands on my cheeks, because he was cold. Bit i freaked out and turned around. When ever he looks at me, i cant look him in the eye anymore, its almost like im too scared to but i dont understand why. I hardly ever speak to him, im usually just silent around him, even when its just the two of us. It upsets him when i do that. He asks if i hate him, or why i hate him. Thats when he will start with the speech he wriles off every single time...
''you think your better than everybody else, but your not, we are all equal. Just cos you have barristers, judges, doctors, authors and play writers in your family you think you can look down your nose at everybody. Look at you. You dont even know where your daughters dad is''
That, worries me more, that to me is pure bullying. I dont ever look down my nose at anybody, he uses my intelligence and even my families intelligence against me. I know i may sound like im being stuck up here but i will never dumb myself down to make anyone feel better about them selves. He failed himself when he didnt attend school or when he didnt try and educate himself after. I left school at 14 with no GCSE's but i am making something of myself, through hard work and commitment to my daughter. He just makes me want to stop though, i am starting another child care course next week, aswell as a maths course in september, but its making me worried i am lining myself up for more trouble.
Sorry i keep waffling on haha. Its just nice to get everything off my chest for once. I cant speak to family about this, he is right about one thing, i come from a family of snobs who really dont see me as their equal. I live a few doors away from an auntie, 2 cousins, a great aunt and an uncle. Every single one of them will blank me and my daughter in the street. I have not been invited to family gatherings ie- weddings, funerals, christenings ect yet they invite my mums sister ?????
Even my own mum is slightly snobbish. But i dont want to tell her whats happening. We had an argument about 'D' a few weeks ago and had a really bad fall out. She kept saying ''He wont be her in 12 months'' , ''As soon as the novelty of a baby wears off and the realisation that he has to pay money, give up drink, wash clothes, change nappies and wake during the night, he will be history''. I am so embaressed that i lied to friends and family, trying to convince them he would be a good dad and be there for me. I know exactly what my mum will say... ''Told you, what do you say to me'' she does it everytime then im even more humiliated because i have to say sorry while she sits there smiling at me. Then she doesnt even offer advice. So im left to deal with it. I dont know what im going to do.
You say that you don't know what you are going to do? You are going to contact the number I gave you earlier. The sooner you start seeking support the closer you are going to get to sorting the rest of your life out.
I know that you know that this is abuse, but at this point you can't quite put your finger on it.
My ex broke my fingers, gave me black eyes and bruises and I stayed with him. The day he spat at me in the street was the day I knew it was over and I never went back. It is bizarre! Everybody has their breaking point.
Remember we are only treated the way we allow people to treat us. Meaning that I let my ex treat me appallingly because somewhere in my head I believed what he was saying! I reached out for support from Womens Aid and various other organisations and now, 10 years on there is NO WAY any man, woman or child would speak to me the way my ex did, let alone spit on me.
My family always treated me that I never quite made it as good as other members, I was the one that always got it wrong - well LolaAnnMitzy, I am now the one on top, firstly because I don't care what they think. But also because I am the one who is the most in control of their life. I wouldn't swap me with anyone in the family!! 
Everything D is doing is considered abusive behaviour from a professional world point of view. He is manipulating all the positives about you and turning them into negatives to knock your confidence. He may know he is doing it, or he may really have no idea, he just know that he feels the need to control you and treat you really badly. He is intimidating you by slightly pulling your hair - he has threatened you in the past remember. By putting his hands on your face invades your personal space, when you have told him to back off. All fo this is unacceptable and the fact that you admit to feeling scared says it all mate.
Will you call that number?
Thank you, i now understand a bit more why i feel the way i feel. And yes i will ring that number. Do they call social services though ? I dont want them getting involved, it puts my little one at too much of a risk of being taken from me and no one can ever love her as much as i do.
I spoke to my mum today, i didnt tell her what he does but i made her aware that he is abusive and told her i dont want to put up with it anymore. She said ''I dont want to know, deal with it''. Which angers me because when she was going through it with my dad and her ex bf, she made everyone aware of what was happening to her. When it was happening to my older sister, she called him every name under the sun and did what she could to her her. So i dont know why its different with me ? She said the same things she said to me, to my sister (she never told her to deal with it though). Then she just changed the subject to us moving. 'D' doesnt know where we will end up, it could be either Birmingham (to be near my brother and sister) or back home to Liverpool. Which ever one i decide 'D' will find me. Liverpool isnt a big place at all and he has friends and family in both cities.
I was forced into a termination at 18 by my mum, she is now doing the same about this pregnancy. I know i was in two minds weither to go through with it or not, but now i have decided i want the baby and will do it alone like i have done before, i dont want to have to go through with it. Its not a nice experience anyway and im still suffering termoil and guilty over my last one. I now feel like its my only choice. If having an abortion is what it takes to stop not just my mum, but other family members critisizing me and it stops 'D' from being in my life, then maybe it is best. My mum said what ever i decide it wont be the end of the world, but it would to me. 'D' said he would kill me if i aborted the baby, but by the time we move and i could do it without him knowing, i will be too far gone. If i have one now, he will find out and im scared about what he will do. I have found myself wishing a miscarriage or a fall or something. Im feeling trapped not only by 'D' now but also my own family.
Hi LolaAnnMitzy, you are in a very vulnerable position right now.
It is really important that you talk to someone and make a conscious decision one way or the other, don't just let it happen.
Have a look at this Online Counselling Guide from Marie Stopes, it will give you some food for thought. They have a 24 hour helpline 0845 300 8090 to help you understand how you feel about this pregnancy and you can also arrange a phone appointment to talk through what is going on for you.
A termination is one of the hardest things that a woman has to face and it has to be her decision and hers alone. I terminated and I can honestly say it was the right thing for me, although the lead up to it was long, drawn out and very stressful and confusing, as soon as I woke up from the operation I had such a sense of a relief knowing that 'it was all over' and I look back and know it was the right thing to do.
You ex may well have threatened to kill you if you terminated this pregnancy, however the likelihood of him actually doing this is may well be pretty small, he was trying to intimidate you, frighten you and basically be in control of you. You are wanting to stop all contact with D, if you decided to go ahead with a termination, a simple text telling him would be all that was necessary after the event.
Your mum has dealt with an awful lot in her life and obviously can't cope with it. YOU do need to deal with this, but by seeking some professional support you can make the right decision for you and your daughter.
Womens Aid will only contact Social Services if they fear that your daughter is in extreme danger of physical or sexual harm. It sounds as though you are protecting her from all this carry on from D. If they felt the need they would tell you first and then you support you through the process, however from what you have shared here, I don't see that there would be a need.
Hi. Crying again. He has agreed to leave me alone and never bother with the child. Its just the way the conversation went thats upsetting me. It was more of an argument. He said......
''I dont want a kid with the likes of you''.
THE LIKES OF ME ! AS OPPOSE TO THE LIKES OF A VIOLENT, CRIMINAL WITH A DRINK PROBLEM !
He sent a text after....
''U a rape victim and deformed and no1 likes u in (name of town) and do you know what you are to your rich posh family a outcast and a reject u nutin but a slag u mams a dirty pis head and u even aint got a dad''
Oh LolaAnnMitzy, what a sad sad man, he sounds very immature and what a ridiculously childish text to send. You are well shot of him. DO NOT respond to any of his texts or phone calls - he will try, trust me. If you do then he knows that he can talk to you like that. If you can completely blank him now, then he will eventually leave you alone.
I know that it hurts, but try not to take it personally, he would behave like this with any girlfriend he has. Unfortunately its you this time, but there will be more.
Such nasty way to be, I guess you are now wondering whether you want a baby with a "violent, criminal with a drink problem"? Did you ring the Marie Stopes number I gave you, for a chat?
You are well shot of him! That is awful.
Change that simcard LolaAnnMitzy. You really do not need this.
Change your number and get that animal out of your life, I left a violent and abusive man and never looked back, reading your messages gave me such a stark reminder of what I have endured, I felt sick.
Your worth so much more and can get through this and come out the other side.
hi how are u hun hope u r ok, must be hard for u,reading ur posts,u are going thru it,ive ad 3 bad relationships and i think god why do i pick um,reply hunx
hi he sounds like scumbag,awful what he is saying, i do understand how u are feelingxx
My frame worker (housing support officer) called me. I think the last thing he expected was me to break down in a state i couldnt control haha. He was absolutly lovely though and really calmed me down, he tried to encourage me to call the police, but i care about 'D' and dont want him to get sent back to prison. (dont know why i bother though) but i took ALL of his advice. Sooooo, i decided to contact 'D's probation officer. I ended up breaking down to her aswell haha. She called the police. I felt a bit bad, but the police came and took details of the texts i hadnt deleted, took imformation of the past abuse and they were really supportive. They agreed that all these little things he does, like not letting me leave his cousins, calling me names in public ect ARE domestic abuse and they even said that sometimes its the little things like that, that are worse than the actual violence. They went away leaving me feeling really, really calm. I feel happy and its not playing on my mind. They didnt quite know what to do about it because of me being pregnant and him shouting that he doesnt want the baby with me could have just been a reaction, they asked if i would be willing to allow him contact when the baby is here and even though i said i didnt want him to, i now think that as long as its supervised then i wouldnt stop it. So they are trying to work out if a harrasment warning could be issued but with obvious conditions that contact between us could happen where the child and the pregnancy is involved.
After sending that message to me, the 'rape victim' one. I didnt reply. He then sent another saying
''wut up man'' (like nothing had happened) I didnt reply.
He then sent
''Im in (name of town) and im gna get nicked'' i didnt reply
He then sent
''Im in (name of time) i am getting nicked''
No idea why he sent them. I didnt reply to any of them, but when i showed them to the police they just looked at me with very perplexed faces haha. I dont know if he meant to send them to me or if he was sending them to a number of people and my name was in there. I know he does that sometimes.
I have been given numbers though for our local womens aid center and the national number. The police have put a thing on that any calls from my address are to be treated as urgent, there are police driving past the house every half an hour, if his brother (who lives near by) is seen on my street he is to be moved on and the police are coming to see me tomorrow at half 3.
After calling 'D's probation officer about an hour later she called me to see if i was ok. Im feeling quite happy and safe. Just need to see what the police could come up with, with their sergant tonight about what to do with 'D'.
Hello again, Lola Ann Mitzy
Welcome back but I am sorry to hear about the things that have been going on for you.
Now, what to do? If you take the pregnancy completely out of the equation just for a moment then let's look at how this man has been behaving. I am thinking that you would not want to continue an involvment with him after everything he has done. Some people are very different in a friendship to in a relationship. You cannot allow yourself to continue to be abused in this manner and I suggest you also back off from members of his family such as his brother, too close for comfort.
Although the verbal attacks and spitting are dreadful, this thing of "watching over you" is even more worrying in my view. I have worked with so many women who kept giving a man the benefit of the doubt in the early days and ignored all the "warning signals" that were evident.
Ok so if you do decide to separate from this man then where does it leave you with the pregnancy. I imagine there are mixed feelings there after having lost one child quite recently (I am so sorry to hear about that) However, having a child with an abusive dad throws up its own problems in that you then potentially have to have contact with him for at least the next eighteen years. He is not offering support or love and if you go ahead then it will be tough and you will have to be prepared to do all the actual parenting work on your own. BUT it can be done if that is what you want.
Have you had any medical appointments yet? Do you think you would benefit from talking things through with a prgnancy counsellor? If so then you can find one here.