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Hi all yet again I am in need of some advice. Last week L went and stayed with his dad for five days. On friday evening I got the daily phonecall from L who was very excited to tell me that he'd been to daddys wedding, this was the first I'd heard of it. L was very excited on the phone and told me all about it when he got home and was very proud of the fact that hed been able to help at the wedding by being daddys best man. Any way since this has happened L has started to say things such as now daddy has married R I dont want him to be my daddy anymore i want a new daddy like S - my partner. He has also said he doesnt love his daddy any more and that he wont see daddy ever again. I have tried to explain that daddy still loves him even though he has married R and that he will still go and see daddy for weekends as he does now to which his reply was but mummy now daddy has married R when they pick me up from school they will make me get out the car and theyll send me away back to our house and i wont know the way as its to far. I told him they wont do this as its not kind and daddy and R wouldnt do something unkind. Then last night he woke up screaming in the night saying that there was someone trying to take him from me. I assured him that no one could get him and that it was ok for him to go back to bed and go back to sleep which he did but then this morning he told me about how nasty his dream was with robbers stealing him from me and putting him into a van which really wasnt very nice because it was dirty. This kind of brings me to my other worry in that I have my suspicions that dad may well try and apply for custody of L now that he has remarried.
Sorry thats a bit of a ramble but basically what I'm hoping for help with is how can I reassure L that things will be ok when I dont really know myself that they will be im just hoping nothing changes with his dad and also with regards to custody how likely is it that dad will get custody and at what sort of age can a child say where they want to live?
I hope all that makes sense, sorry again for the ramble any help would be great
Hi Louise thanks for the reply will have a go with the pretend play. L loves that sort of game so hopefully he'll get something from it
sounds horrible for ur little one, hope hes feeling a bit more reassured after ur chat with him, i can see this happening to my nearly 5 yr old girl
if u did want to apply for residence u need grounds such as a threat of abduction etc
u dont need a solicitor , the form can be collected from court and its a bit tedious to fill in, costs about 250 pounds altogether i think. after u return the form the court holds a hearing, again u dont need a solicitor, u just turn up and voice ur concerns and why u want residency. ur partner can come and voice his case, the judge then decides.
if things get messier for u then mabe this is an option?
hope everyhtnig works out for u :)
Hi chocolate81 L seems to be a little better after our bit of a chat the other day he's had no more nightmares which I'm pleased about but I can still tell he's not quite right. I'm hoping that going back to school on Monday may help as its back to normal routines and hopefully that will show him nothing has changed and that every thing will be ok. On the other hand I'm dreading Monday morning as he'd only just settled down properly about going into school on his own they only started this in feb so I'm wondering how he'll be.
Thanks for the advice re the residence order this isn't something I've ever looked into or thought about but it looks like it maybe worth doing some research so thanks for the eye opener
zippy
Hi zippy, how did school go? How is L?
It must have been very odd to hear that your ex was getting married, I hope that you are ok with that?
hi Anna L was very clingy yesterday morning but was much better today. He's still very out of sorts. he seems to be almost blocking out the wedding he was asked to tell school about what he'd done over the holidays and he didn't mention the wedding because apparently he doesn't want to talk about it.
As I say Anna I didn't hear he was getting married I was told it had already happened :-) I'm really not bothered we are well ato truly over I've moved on and am very happy with my new partner so I'm pleased he's also moved on.
I am glad to hear that it hasn't rocked you emotionally, but it is sad that little L is out of sorts with it all.
Was staying with his dad for 5 nights too long for him do you think or does this happen regularly now?
Hi Anna yeah it is sad about L. He actually told his dad on the phone today that he's not his dad any more as he's now big L's dad. (They share the same name. His dad wanted to know who told him that l said it came from his head but I don't think dad believed him.
He stays with dad for longer periods during the holidays on a fairly regular basis he mortally comes back a little hyper and slightly out of character but never before has he been like this
I wonder if he has seen a film or tv programme that has been giving him some ideas about when Daddy remarries he leaves everyone behind, or perhaps this has happened to one of his friends?
Hi Anna not to my knowledge but then again who knows for definite as I obviously can't police everything he watches on tv as he obviously watches stuff at dads house to. I don't really know the situations of any of his school friends but none of his other friends are in this situation
Hi there zippy,
I appreciate that this is a situation that has already changed, but I wonder if there is a book out there that might help L feel less 'wobbled' by the situation. I had a quick look and found these -
Daddy's getting Married by Jennifer Moore-Mallions
Room for Rabbit by Roni Schotter
I don't even now if these titles would be age appropriate, but I figured they were somewhere to start.
Hi Mary. Thanks for the suggestion I will look into the mobile you've mentioned
Hello again zippy -
Mobile? I'm confused 
Was that a typo?!
Hi Mary not sure where that came from. Obviously wasn't with it when I replied. I meant books lol
That's fine, happens to the best of us 
:-)
Hi zippy
What a horrible situation, your poor boy is obviously very anxious and maybe what has triggered it is something pretty innocent such as his dad saying ooh now me and R are married, we can be a PROPER family.
if L has always lived with you it is pretty unlikely that this situation will change. However, he is quite small to have the say-so, there is no set age but as Scottish law uses the age 12, I always think this is a good guideline. Nevertheless if CAFCASS were to chat with him, he could say what he preferred. I don't know if you aware but the Legal Aid system has now changed and so it would be costly to take out a court case, which may deter any thoughts he has.
Being realistic, it is unlikely that L's dad would obtain a residence order and this is out of your control in any case. The one thing you CAN influence is helping L with the feelings he has right now.
Time is certainly a healer but you can have your own strategy as well. I would encourage L to talk about his feelings as you have been doing. Then I would think about having some sort of game, with Teddies, Action Men or Duplo people, whatever he has. The toy (whatever it is) can cry and you can say "whay are you crying Duplo man?" and the man can say because I like living with my Mummy and I am scared my dad will take me away. You then say "Oh, L has had to cope with that, haven't you, L? What advice shall we give the Duplo man?" (this might be nothing, in which case YOU give the "advice": Mummy will aways love you and Daddy won't take you away, Daddy loves you and likes to see you and so does Mummy and you can see both of us but your bedroom here is still the same and this is still your house)
Then the Duplo man says "But what if I have a bad dream?" and you say Remember the magic word Abracadabra (or another silly word) Anytime you are scared you say the word and you will know your Mummy loves you and will look after you. Can you say the magic word? Duplo man then says it wrong several times and you correct him and in the end get L to tell him what it is, he will probably be laughing by now if you make the word silly enough. THEN the next time L has any sort of expereince around being scared about his Dad you ask for the magic word and give lots of hugs. This pretend-play is very effective with young children.
I know that you are concerned about giving him 100% reassurances when you are not 100% sure of what will happen, but at 6 he is too little to see this picture, his world is black and white: either daddy will take him away or he won't. So you need to give him reassurances