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Just wondering if anyone has been lucky enough to get out of their abusive relationship and been able to move on to a loving one? I presume lots of you have - just wondered how you made the transition?
I'm just SO insecure! could cry at how pathetic I am. I never in 100 years ever thought I'd be ready to move from my secure happy single life to the big outside world where I could get hurt and taken advantage of again. But I actually met someone few weeks ago. I can't stop checking my phone to see if he's messaged me, met up with him a 4 or so times too, it's been great, but suddenly the texts have dropped to one or two a day - he says he's busy at work - which he probably is. But I torture myself with thinking he's gone off me, already! My ex has stripped me of everything! most of all my confidence and self esteem :(
If anyone is like me, a friend of mine said to me ... 'Worry is like riding a rocking horse ... it keeps you busy, but gets you nowhere. Thought that would be nice to share.
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I surviving,
I have been lucky enough to be with the most amazing man for past 5 years but I wouldnt say I have successfully moved on...
When I left the ex I though I would never get with anyone again as it just isnt worth the heartache. I met my current partner during a period where I was absolutely terrifiedof my own shadow and for me in the beginning I wanted him only for protection as I was so scared, obviously now I love him to death! I guess I have been the opposite of you because I dont worry or feel insecure in my relationship but my ex has made me stone cold. I am appalled at myself sometimes for what my boyf has had to put up with. For example in the early days if my ex said something that I didnt agree with I would just say its over because I just didnt feel I had the energy to sort through any kind of relationship problems so I would just decide it werent worth the stress. I would do things to test him all the time because i needed to be 100 per cent certain he werent going to become jealous or possessive and he had absolutely no opinion on anything because if he didnt like something I did I would tell him to leave. I was never like this before I went through the abusive relationship.
My boyf did walk out on me 2 years ago and I again tried to act like I werent bothered but inside it killed me. He came back to me 2 months later and since then I have been much better because I know I cant behave like that its not fair. I still find it a struggle when he offers his opinion on anything that I do because I always feel he is trying to control me, but I have learned to take on board what he says and if you asked him I think he would say that now I am 100 times better than I was so I am getting there...
I think that if you want to be happy then you have to learn to trust and open up your heart, it is hard but we can all get there with the right person x
Hey,
I was on my own for 3 years after I finally rid myself of my first husband. He left me with literally nothing - he took the family car, stopped paying mortgage/gas/electricity/water/food!, we were on emergency income support. So by the time those three years were up I had found a job, managed to sell the house just before it was reposessed, found a house to rent, got a car (still don't know how I managed that!) and basically got my life sorted.
Then I met husband no two and he was just absolutely perfect, not only for me, but also for the children. So yes, there absolutely are really lovely new people out there! (I don't have a happy ending, because my husband died of cancer, but I am really grateful I got to know him!) 
It's good to know that it is possible to find happiness after a traumatic relationship.
One thing I would say is that it is important to give yourself time and opportunity to get over what has happened before jumping too soon into anything else. And yes! here is a chance again to mention again one of my favourite books: here. It will help you analyse your relationships and what to look for next time. The first person you need to be happy with, however, is YOURSELF and that is the first step to being ready for a new relationship.
Thank you ladies. I've been single, for 21 months. Love being a Mommy and love my job working in a school but all I am is 'Miss S or Mommy' just want to have some 'me' time. Suppose the thought of getting hurt is natural but I just feel paranoid and tearful.
Louise I've just orderd that book, thank you xx
Hello SurvivngMommy, yes getting some time for "you" is great, and rediscovering yourself is also fantastic. Don't forget that this need not involve a new partner, you can do this through learning, new friends, new interests....and the happier you are with yourself, the more ready you will be for that special person to come along and you will be in a better position to attract the right kind of person, too.
Hope you enjoy the book...it can be quite challenging! 
Thing is Louise, I don't have that many friends. I have work collegues but we don't really go out. My friends have busy lives. Infact my best friend tried a suiside attempt :( she ended up getting sectioned :( so been busy for months going back and forth to the place where she is to visit her. My friends rarely go out maybe once a month if I'm lucky. Do take J out to different groups the days I don't work. J had a massive temper tantrum again today at the 'music group' she has one almost every week. The parents look at me and I feel really embarassed. Every toddler has tantrums right? but J seems to be the only one who has them every single session. She throws herself on the floor and her legs are kicking and she throws the musical instruments at the other parents. So they don't really talk to me. Ended up telling the music teacher today that I am so sorry she has a tantrum and said I think she's got so much anger in her, I mentioned the DV and what J' been through and I burst out crying! Just wish I had some friends.
Have you considered throwing yourself on the floor when J has a tantrum? Just as an experiment? (Maybe warn others first?)
Coming on here is a good start to the friend thing because you can talk about anything and that will give you confidence....
Hugs x
Haha hopeful I have done that in my own home but think it just confusses her and worries her and she cries more. Would never do it in public I'm pretty shy. Haha reminds me of that advert of the lady in the supermarket LOL :) xxxx
sorry can't remember how old your little one is but mine used to do this at music and I just picked her up and went outside the room with her - then it didn't disrupt the others - i used to wait till she had calmed a little and say something like "what a shame that we will need to go home now because you are not enjoying the music" most times she would stop and then we would go back in.
I wouldn't worry about the others - other mums seem to be a strange breed and I used to be friendly but let them get on with it - a bit the same as at toddler group - i used to have a coffee with them and a bit of a chat but then wander around for the rest of the time as I never felt as though i fitted in but i wasn't single then so not sure what it was - maybe being English in Scotland!
We all feel a bit sensitive at times but try not to let others get to you as I am sure they're little darlings will kick off at some point too!
Thanks Littleredhen, yeah I'm sure their children aren't angels but J kicks off all the time. She always seems so angry, mentioned in previous posts she kicks me, spits at me, really visciously throws things at me, uses her teddy as a weapon and hits me with him, tries to bite me, ... she is almost 2 and a half. I've only ever worked with 1 other child like her in the 18 years I've worked with children. She's just this second came up to me with a banana in her hand, she squashed it, looked at her hand and cus it was messy she got frustrated and hit her 9 year old brother. She seems to get angry so easily. (Don't get me wrong she has her lovely times too, and I love her to bits, I'm patient with her and do my very best not to shout.) Oh the joys lol. x
Hi Surviving Mommy,
Can you identify at what point exactly your daughter gets upset? Is there a change in your behaviour or something that she can't do?
I completely agree with sparklinglime and love her comment about "I am in control of me, my finances and my life". I took a couple of years out to find myself again after a traumatic relationship. Completely found my ground again. Once you do that, no-one can mess with you, because you know your boundaries and what truly makes you happy and having a new partner adds to your life rather than completes it.
...and just to add, Survivingmommy that when I posted about friends, I said NEW friends. I think most of us find our circle of friends change as we separate, for all sorts of reasons. Here is an article packed with ideas for finding those new friends...it really is down to us to do the leg-work though: Making New Friends
As for your daughter, I would say that LRH's idea is a really good one, taking her out the room and dealing with it in a matter of fact way. I was also wondering about making a special time every day for her to " relax", can you lie down together, would she like to have her back stroked or her hair brushed or for you to sing to her?.....anything that reinforces the idea that calm is good. Also have a think about your own temperament and behaviour. I always remember being miffed that my youngest was so loud and lively (until I realised I was a loud and lively mum! and so that was how we lived) I also remember a lady I worked with who had twin boys aged six. She was soooooooo calm and quiet when she dealt with them that when they needed to be quiet and behave they just did it (amazing!) I guess what I am saying is that as your own emotions settle, this will have a beneficial effect on your daughter too
Yes Louise I've made myself be alot calmer lately and can see a small difference, also reinforced the boundaries I have put in place.
Thank you for the link on 'making new friends' I'll take a peek in a minute :)
I do spend 2 days with J and do nice things with her. She kicks off at music class when she is given the 'shakers' to play every other child gets them and then they swop with the child next to them to get the drum or the bells or tambourine etc, she just wants the drum NOW! hense throwing the shakers at the other parents :( I try and distract her and say give a shaker to teddy to play etc. When she did have a tantrum and throw them I gave her a time out. She continued to cry so I did actually take her to the back of the room and ask her if she wanted me to take her home! she said no and we went back and thank goodness it was the end so only a few songs to go. I had talked to her before we went in about being a good girl and told her she could have a sweetie at the end of the session as a reward :) ... I reinforced what I said by not giving her the sweet. Gave her the chance later in the day to earn it. Said to her 'Were you a good girl at rhythm time? she said NO and I said did you get a sweetie? she replied NO with a sad face. So reminded her to be good during diner and she could have one. She was good and I rewarded her. Trying my hardest to stay positive, calm and keep to the boundaries.
Thanks Anna, I do feel happy with where I am now. I've almost taken 2 years out now just me and my kiddies :) Know I've still got work to do on myself - least I'm realistic hey lol. :)
Thank you ladies x
Hi Surviving Mommy, thank you for the insight into the music group situation. She has seen from her father that there are ways of getting what you want by kicking up a stink and you are now teaching her that this is not the case. Sometimes life just doesn't go the way we want it.
You asked her if she wanted you to take her home...when I read this I wondered why you were giving her the option? I understand that she did learn her lesson though so well done you - small steps.
Just a thought - one thing we discussed when doing some training was trying to name the behaviour as being 'good' or 'bad' rather than the child. As this means that when our child is not being a 'good' girl or boy, it insinuates to them that they are 'bad', which is not true. Their behaviour is bad - not them. I found this useful in my own parenting and wanted to pass it on!
I also recognised because I was under so much stress dealing with my ex, my little one would see me in a state of despair regularly, even though I tried to hide it they are mind readers!! This in turn meant that she was feeling unstable and that was probably why she used to kick off very similarly to your own daughter.
Hi Anna :)
When I said 'do you want me to take you home? I wasn't being nice saying oh shall we go home hun? I said it in a stern voice as a punishment, 'Do you want me to take you home! she replied no. Hope that makes it a bit clearer.
Yeah good point about the child's behaviour being bad and not the child. You know I knew that and at work have to do that. Thank you for reminding me. I'll most definatly do that from now on, thanks Anna.
You're probably right about seeing her dad kick off and thats her copying him. Thing is EX goes on and on about how she's an angel at his house and never ever has a tantrum. I can only presume he gives into her every need or want through guilt of what he's done. Suppose that makes me the bad cop hey. But if he didn't give into her, why would she behave like that for me but not him?
x
I am thinking it is because she feels "safe" to kick off with you. That doesn't mean you have to put up with it, though, becasue she will feel even safer with firm boundaries (which I am am sure you know from your own work with children)
It's hard when you have your own emotions to deal with, to follow the "Stay calm" tip. I certainly found it hard myself but have also found it to be one of the most effective parenting techniques, especially with toddlers and teenagers (good practice for when J is 13 ) But Anna is right, they are mind-readers!
Great to hear that you have special time with J. Make sure some of this is quiet and restful and reinforce this by saying something like "I love it when we are just quiet together" Children really crave parental attention and if she sees that being quiet and cuddly is one way to get lots of positive attention then it might appeal to her more!
Fantastic advice thank you ladies, you truly are amazing <3 Thank you xxx
I just want to reiterate what Louise has said too Surviving Mommy, your little one is probably holding herself together when she is with her Dad, she is probably unsure of how he would react if she misbehaved or had a tantrum.
I used to feel the same as you, but now looking back, I know that this was probably the case. She could show her real emotions and feelings when she was with me and as tough as it was, I had to learn how to manage it and ignore unhelpful comments from her father!
Thank you Anna, it's reassuring to know others have been there and speak from experience. xxx
Just read this quickly, but a couple of thoughts:
Firstly, my ex said that J was always very well behaved at his house (which is probably rubbish due to "slapping incident as discussed in other post) and whenever he's told me how well he behaves, I think that maybe J doesn't feel comfortable enough to push the boundaries with his dad, or to misbehave. Plus, it's probably an attempt to make me feel like a bad and inadequate mum. He's generally well behaved at friends houses (unless I'm there). I think they're actually supposed to behave badly - it's how they test boundaires, reinforce that you'll love them anyway and learn about in/appropriate behaviour etc. When he acts up with my new partner, I feel like in a way, he accepts him as being an important adult in his life.
Which brings me on to my second point. I have found the most wonderful man - I literally never thought I would meet someone who could treat me well and love me and want to form a partnership with me and build a life together. Especially since being with Mr NPD.
However, this relationship has been like no other in my life in that it's never seemed stressful or like I was waiting for him to call or like I wasn't getting what I needed... he's never been to busy to talk to me - even when he is... honestly, it's like I met him and fell into a blissful sleep in a really comfortable bed. After MrNPD, I was single for 2 years (no sex at all!!!) because I had a young child and basically i was with him all the time. Then I had an unsuccessful and partially unhappy long distance relationship where my needs weren't met, but which I probably put too many expectations on.
Then, I started going to dance classes, many of which were followed by social dancing in a bar or a club, so I started basically going to dance clubs - BY MYSELF!!!
where I met lots and lots of new men - some of them really nice, some of them dull and boring and some of them a bit sleezy - and it was a really great opportunity to be really, really picky. I dated - in an American sense (occasional snogging, no sex) - at one point, I had about 8 men with whom a mutual interest seemed apparent and i met some of them for coffee, hung out a bit, went to the odd dance club etc, but all the time, still going out to classes, bars and clubs on my own and just practising the dancing. And enjoying myself on my own terms. I met my current partner at one of these clubs and we got to know each other over a few months before we really met up and got together and even then, I pretty much determined the pace things went at. And honestly, there were behaviours of his that I was uncomfortable with in the beginning - but whenever I talked about them with him, he was prepared to see my point of view and amazingly, I found that having boundaries was ok.
My advice at this point, is not to put to much on this relationship. Not to make excuses for him and if you don't feel like you're getting what you need, tell him but don't settle for less than what makes you feel safe and secure. And if you don't feel safe and secure and relaxed, let it go - don't force it. For me, playing the field - not in a really promiscuous way, but in a fun, no expectations or commitment sort of way - meant that when the right man came along, i was a) able to recognise him; b) confident enough to set boundaries and c) not too attached to anyone else so as to miss the opportunity or to have it be overly complicated or dramatic.
HTH.
E. xxxxxx
Great post EmmaJ, HIGH FIVE to you
High five, Louise!!!
Ahh thanks Emma, wish I knew you as a friend in person. I wouldn't have the confidence to go to clubs on my own, and most of my mates are settled down and very rarely come out. Mom n Dad do SO much for me, they are wonderful but often go away at weekends, so if I need them to babysit they take O away with them which is great, J goes to her Dad's on a Fri, so I try to get out on a Fri if I can . Thing is I don't want to 'put' on Mom n Dad but unless I drive to where they are which would be 100 mile round trip then I don't get to see O all weekend. I know many of you would say wow take advantage and enjoy some me time, but I miss him. Sad hey, he's my best friend in the whole wide world. :) I go away with M n D most weekends with the kiddies, we all love it but there is only mainly people my M n D's age where we go.
I'm seeing this guy Fri night, he's SO busy at work, only usually get one or two texts a day from him. It's fantastic when we are together, conversation flows so well and we really enjoy each others company (done nothing more than kissed) it's magical, but then in the week it's back to his busy work. He is going for interviews as he hates his job. Think I have to accept that if I like him then I have to bare with his busy scedule. I've been single 21 months and in all of that time felt no where near ready to go out with a guy so this feels so special and so right. Really grounded myself this week. He noticed I was much more chilled out I said well what we've got ... it is what it is, or it isn't what it isn't. He seemed shocked and he was the one who asked me when he could see me again :)
Good for you, Surviving Mommy, and you can only juggle as much as you can juggle. Relationships when you are a parent are a very different kettle of fish to how they were when we were young, free and single
Tell me about it Louise. The hardest? My emotions and insecurities I guess :(
Yes, I know! How are you getting on with that book, by the way?
It's not arrived yet ... still waiting. Looking forward to being able to sit down with it, if I can find some time lol. So busy - my house looks like a bombs gone off lol. Hard to juggle everything, roll on the summer holls LOL :) xxx
Yes, things always get a bit manic this time of year. Now all we need is some sunshine!
Sunshine? remind me what that is again :D lol x
Oh! now I have had to put my sunglasses on again....
I did meet someone and he did teach me how to laugh again. I did, however, see the same pattern happening all over again, and finished it - although he seems to think we're still an item at times, even though its five years later!
I feel secure though. I'm in control of me, my finances and my life. OK, work thing could be a lot better, but then that's hard for so many.
It took me a long time to feel this way. But feeling secure with myself means, I hope, that I can always be aware of what's going on and make sure I don't lose control of my life again. Doesn't mean that I need to be controlling others (I hope), but do know that if ever I did meet someone (hahahahahahahahahahahaha - as if) I know what I want from a relationship.
One thing I did learn from meeting someone though, that no matter how old, you still have those butterflies in the stomach and feel like a teenager again...