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I apologise in advance, this is going to be horrid, I just feel I need to get rid of it somehow. And I feel a bit guilty even putting it here because there are so many people so much worse off than I.
Today I feel there is no point to anything. There is so much to do and no time to do it in and even if there was time, there's no money and why am I doing anything anyway.
I am fed up with the children wanting wanting wanting, the demands of university, the state of my house, and not having enough money. And I am my own worst enemy for not doing enough about it. A colleague from uni is coming over in a bit and downstairs is a big mess that I have not created, and I have been on at the responsible parties for weeks. Now I'll do a botch job so my friend doesn't get the shock of her life only for them to come home and mess it all up again. Then we have to do this presentation when I don't even know yet whether I've made it into the current year. If I have made it, I'll be switching from diploma to degree, but hey, I've not really got the finances to do that with the cuts in benefits and less bursary and all that. In the post was a fine for No3 son dodging train fares (he says I don't have to pay it because one of the people who stopped him got his address out of him by saying he wouldn't send anything). The car needs repairing. The bath tap is broken broken and needs repairing. I need to arrange a million appointments and make a thousand phonecalls.
And I am all on my own and so fed up with it. Why am I even bothering with anything, when it's only going to be thrown back in my face?
I am so sorry for letting off like this - I don't even know myself today, I am usually such a positive person. :-(
Going to clear mess downstairs now. Sorry people.
don't really feel any better. Am feeling so so alone at the moment. And I know that's rubbish, because I have tons of friends who will help. Maybe it's because the 'anniversary' of my husband's death is coming up. Really sorry again. x
Ah yes that sounds likely, and added to everything else, that's awful for you, I am so sorry.
Do reach out to those friends of yours, you are such a lovely friend yourself that I am sure they will want to help, I know it is hard when you tend to be the strong one.
Sending you a big HUG today.
how awful Hopeful - life can be very cruel and drag you down further when you are already at rock bottom - just wanted to say we do understand and you are allowed to feel like this - maybe you just need to give yourself permission not to sort things out today - I am also sending you a hug - oh this could turn into a group hug if your other friends join you
Hugs to you too Hopeful x
Hopeful i can really empathise with how your feeling today, have been there many times. What Louise has suggested is a great way to start to tackle this.
I found that in those times, it all came down to me learning to say NO to others and not to take on so much. Which is not easy!! How was your visit with your friend?
I think anniversaries are the hardest things to deal with. You know that your husband would have been their supporting you.
You are brilliantly positive, and I'm sure deep down you know you'll be ok.
My house is a tip.
Teenagers ARE useless
This house was actually tidy on Monday evening and I can't even see the kitchen table now.
I do hope that you are able to carry on with university as I feel it will get you to where you want to be.
Thinking of you.
As for others being worse off. There will always be other worse off, but that does not help how you're feeling. I'm afraid that sentence can almost make you feel worse... Loads of hugs Hopeful.
Hi Hopeful,
Just wanted to let you know I understand completely how you feel. I am exactly the same nearly all of the time. I can never be bothered to do ANYTHING! I dont even think time is the issue in my case because most of the time I am in bed do naff all except getting depressed about all the things I NEED to do. I too am at uni, and finding the stress of keeping up with it all such a drain, all my uni friends are so organised and have read 3 books before I have even purchased one book!! That then further gets me down because I dont understand why they can be so organised and I am not. I wont go in to my issues with money but can say bailliffs are my most regualr visitors! My house is a tip 90% of the time because I just cant take any interest in doing it. Most shamedly of all I used to work as a family support worker and on many occassions I would go to other peoples homes don my rubber gloves and help them sort there house out, and organise all their bills and finances, create diaries so they could be better orgainsed themselves but for some unknown reason I cant do it for myself. There are a lot of stressful things going on in my life at the moment and for some reason whenever I am at my lowest BANG! comes another blow - A police officer kindly pulled me over on my way to court (which was already my most stressful point in life) and issued me with a penalty notice of £60 and 3 points on my license and it was all because I had spotted my friend and her 3 children standing at a bust stop in the pouring rain and offered her a lift literally 5 mins up the road. She had her one year old on her knee and I was pulled for having one too many passengers in my car!!!
I know what you mean about feeling alone even when you have friends. I used to be quite sociable but I dont go out anymore with my friends because I just feel worse when I compare myself to how they manage. My life isnt that bad, but I still feel like sh*t all the time, I annoy myself.
Anyway I just wanted to let you know that I totally get what you mean, and hopefully for you this is just a phase you are going through because of the anniversary etc. I wish you well hun. Take Care, Big hugs x
Thanks all for your support. x
Sending you a big hug too Hopeful. Sorry you're feeling so down at the moment. Like you say, the anniversary is coming up, so of course that could well be making you feel worse. You've slogged your guts out on essays, plus working, kids, housework etc, and it all does get on top of you in the end. Louise's idea of the list is good. I'd go for the phone calls, (you'll get a chance to sit down then)!! I'm sure your friend didn't mind the mess either, though I do understand where you're coming from on that one, as I feel the same when it's a mess here. Hope you're feeling a bit better tonight, and you can just maybe potter around the house getting a few bits done. Take care. xx
How are you feeling today?
Thanks for asking; I'm feeling a bit better today - just getting on and trying not to think of the mountain. Had a mamouth signing session this morning (we have our next exam in a couple of weeks) and am now preparing the presentation for Monday.
No3 son did lots of tidying yesterday, plus he washed the car (so of course it's raining now). Had a very lazy afternoon after this just vegging. Didn't make any phonecalls or look at money for stuff or write lists.
No1 son coming over for a visit in a bit.
Hopefully, I'm done with wallowing in self-pity for a long time. :-) Really really appreciate everones kind words yesterday! x
Thanks for asking; I'm feeling a bit better today - just getting on and trying not to think of the mountain. Had a mamouth signing session this morning (we have our next exam in a couple of weeks) and am now preparing the presentation for Monday.
No3 son did lots of tidying yesterday, plus he washed the car (so of course it's raining now). Had a very lazy afternoon after this just vegging. Didn't make any phonecalls or look at money for stuff or write lists.
No1 son coming over for a visit in a bit.
Hopefully, I'm done with wallowing in self-pity for a long time. :-) Really really appreciate everones kind words yesterday! x
Hi Hopeful. YOu're not wallowing in self-pity, you have a heck of a lot on, and you needed to vent somewhere, so this is the place (as you know) 
Glad you had a lazy afternoon yesterday. Just what the Dr ordered!!! Enjoy your visit with son no1. xx
Yes, indeed
Hi Hopeful, I am glad that you cut yourself some slack on Saturday.
I imagine that on the anniversary of your husbands death is always a painful one and it is a stark reminder that you are doing this all on your own.
When is the anniversary and will you be spending the day with your children all together?
Anniversary is on 15th. I'll be at uni that day, and I have my sign language course in the evening. I don't think the children think of it on the day. And I think it's better to get on with stuff and remember the really good times rather than the sad. :-) It will be ok. One of my uni friends lost her partner two years ago yesterday and we tend to pull together because we understand how each other feels.
It's not all bad, I really was just feeling very sorry for myself when I wrote this thread. Am still scared stiff about the finances (haven't even checked my bank account in ages), but it's going to be ok.
Thank you so much for bearing with me and being so encouraging!
You have every right to feel sorry for youself - and to be honest, I don't even see it as that. Its just allowing yourself to feel sad at times.
I can only imagine how hard it is for you Hopeful.
xxxxxxxx
PHEW! Hope that feels a bit better? We are here for you to let off steam. It sounds as if you are suffering from a classic case of WODS. I get this myself. WODS being "wrung-out dishcloth syndrome"...when everyone wants a piece of you and you wouldn't mind if you could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but you can't. It's a bit like that saying: "I was in the tunnel and thought I saw the light at the end but it was just the lamp carried by the bloke who was coming down the tunnel to give me another load of **** to deal with"
No magic wands here, Hopeful. I guess you could break it down into categories:
1. Teens don't pull their weight in the house
2. There are lots of things need mending/sorting
3. I have a lot of phone calls to make
4. What are my goals?
Just pick one category, not number 4 I would suggest! and focus on that one. Make a list if you pick number 2 or 3, and if you pick number 1 then read back over your thread and all those discussions we have had about teens.
But no wonder you feel overwhelmed with all these four categories! I know that actually number 4 is the most fundamental but it feels like you need to tackle perhaps two out of the 1,2,3 before you can truly focus on that.