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Hi there,
I am very sorry for this very long letter but I don't know where to go or what to do at the moment, I very desperate.
I have decided to leave my other half who I have a wonderful son with.
We have been together for about 3 years but it has been very very difficult for us both, we can't seem to get along anymore. He does not know yet that I can't be with him anymore but I needed to know what I can do so when I tell him I can give him a solution about what to do.
I am not working at the moment as he did not think that would be fair to my child and I do agree with that but I can't start working now becouse he wants another kid which I think would not be good at all. So I don't have any money on my own at all, no savings, only some that he gives me a month.
I am from Norway and I don't even have a family over there, my mum did not want to know me and my dad left me when I was 2 years old. I was adopted by my "other" dad but he is too ill now and I could not move in with him. I don't have anything there, no friends that could even help. And I don't think my other half would let me move back home becouse he would not be able to see our son as much then and I do agree.
I have no family over here at all, his family can't stand me. They are very nice to me face to face but then I hear from my boyfriend what they have said about me. I have never done them anything, I don't know why they hate my that much.
My other halfs sisters hates me too, they are very jealous that I had a kid and they never had.
I don't have any friends as such around me at all, my partner is very jealous and I can't seem to keep any friends becouse that friendship will be destroyed by him.
The house is in his name and the only thing that I have is the car (which he is paying for) We had a bad fight a couple of days ago which he almost forced me to sign the car over to him. I don't live anywhere central and do need it when I start work. I am happy with paying for it my self as soon as I can work.
He has told me that if I left and asked for things he would fight over custody of our son. I would never not let him see our son, that would be the last thing I would want to do. He has been married before and I have heard him in fights over the phone with this ex-wife and they went quite nasty. I dont what that, I am happy with nothing, as long as I have my son.
I am so afraid of telling him all this becouse I know he will go crazy and I can't take that anymore. I don't sleep at night and I am an wreck at the moment. I lie in bed and trying to think about what to do and what to say but I don't have an idea. I am very scared of him (he would not do me or my son any harm but he is very very nasty and can destroy people very quickly with words. I came from an abusive childhood and my previous reletionship was very abusive and he his using that agains me to make me feel very bad) I had to sleep in on the floor of my sons bedroom a could of days ago because we had such a bad row.
I don't know who to turn to, I don't know at all. I am so very desperate, I want to leave for me and my sons sake. We are very happy when we are on our own but that change as soon as he is with us.
I don't know where to even start where to live? Or how to look for somewhere to live? Has anyone else been in this situation that maybe can tell me what to do? I can't find very much online and would be so very greatful if someone could help.
Thank you!
Hello KW33
I am sorry you
feel so isolated and unhappy at the moment. This is a friendly and supportive
place and somewhere for you to share what is going on. A word of caution: do
delete your Internet history so that you keep things confidential.
This post
will be rather info-packed and practical but I do believe that the next thing
for you to do is to research and prepare so that you make the right decision
for you and your son. I will do a numbered list of links for you to click on, and
this might make it a bit less confusing.
1. Firstly: you talk about an abusive
childhood and previous relationship. I only have the information you have given
me but it sounds as if this current relationship is straying into the same
territory. Contact Women’s Aid and talk this through with them. They can give
you the best advice in these circumstances.
2. After talking to Women’s Aid, you
need legal advice. Find an advisor near you here. It is very unikely that your
partner would obtain sole custody of your son, and they will be able to
reassure you about this.
3. You need to look at your finances.
Our 1-2-1 advice service can give you an idea of how you stand and what you
income may be as a lone parent. Their information is given in confidence; do
contact them.
4. In the meantime, prepare a “running
away” pack. Think about what you would need if you decided to leave in a hurry.
I would suggest passports and birth certificates for you and your son, your
driving licence, bank stuff, a change of clothes for you both, a little cash if
you can salt this away. Women’s Aid can give you more advice about this.
Sorry I know
this is a tall order. But if you want to leave, it is best if you prepare the
ground and get the information you need. Sometimes having that knowledge gives
you the confidence to move forward and rather than lie awake at night, put your
energies into these practical things and draw strength from them. We are all here
for you on here to give emotional support, whatever decision you make
KW33
Sending strength your way, as I know that it does take courage to do this.
You say his family hate you, as he tells you so. This may not be the case...
Having no family, my now ex-in-laws have turned out to be the biggest source of support I could have found, and I see/speak to them regularly.
My very best wishes.
Thank you all for your support. I cant read this all now but I will as soon as I am alone. Many thanks again.
Hi kw33. Welcome along. That is great advice from Louise. As you're working out your plan, I wouldn't say a word to your partner. Just try and act as normally as you can around him, so he doesn't get the slightest hint as to what you are planning. Please keep posting when you can. We're all here for you. Take care
Yep,. agree with that alisoncam, keep the plan quiet for now!
Hi Kw33. Welcome. I can see you are in a bad situation and want to get out. I went through similar myself 14yrs ago. I agree that talking to women's aid could help you, as it does sound like an abusive relationship. It would provide you with some much needed support as well which you need.
I hope you can find some help here also, which will help you feel less isolated.
Keep all plans to yourself, just act as normally as you can and have hope that things can get better.
S x
Thank you all for your support. It makes me feel much better knowing that there are some help out there and people like you makes it even better.
It is very difficult do to anything at the moment as he is off work for a couple of weeks now so I will have to start this after the Christmas. It will be a difficult couple off weeks but me and my son can manage for now.
I will let you know how everything is going! I won't be able to be online too much as it is impossible with him at home.
Thank you all again! I hope to speak to you soon.
You take care KW33.
Hi KW33
Welcome to One Space, I read the fear and worry in your first post and I too remember that feeling of lying in bed and trying to figure out the best way to say things.
You are recognising that your other half's behaviour is not making you happy and you are not sure where to go next. Louise offered an excellent list for you to work through, I went to Womens Aid, where they were able to accommodate me in a refuge for 6 months and then they helped me to find housing, they have a 24 hour freephone number 0808 2000 247.
Christmas can be a particularly difficult time within hard relationships, if at any time you feel unsafe or unhappy, call the freephone number above, even if it means you have to lock yourself in the bathroom!
I just wanted to remind you again to delete you history on the computer, to do this click on Tools, then Internet Options, then Delete History. This will keep you safe, if your partner decides he wants to see what you have been looking at on the internet.
I hope you get through the next few weeks, look forward to hearing from you as soon as you can get back to us.
If you press Alt+c it will bring up the history page (providing you are using internet explorer) and you can selectively delete sites by clicking on the history tab then clicking on what every week or day and then on individual sites and selecting delete.. this is so as to not arouse suspicion. Men are quite often more internet savvy, this is just my experience and not any sort of man thing : ) but they might notice if the complete internet history has been deleted, I would and I'm a man, as all there saved passwords and site preferences will be deleted if you delete everything... and if that was me I'd thing .. eh up wots going on here.
I only mention this as all the DV sites I've read fail to take this into consideration and all show you have to delete your internet history, fair enough but from my point of view, if I was worried about what my partner was looking at then I'd notice if the browser history kept getting wiped and go about watching what they were doing much more closely and in different ways.
There was a girl on here a while back and she posted stuff and then disappeared after I'd explained how to cover her tracks and I keep thinking what happened to her.
Maybe she came back and all is well, I've not noticed and I'm terrible with names : )
Also Alt+t+o+d will bring up a window to blanket delete selected items, like just cookies or history or what ever, you will see if you try. That's on Internet explorer 8 anyway I don't have earlier versions.
Hi bubblegum
I remember that lady and no I dont think she has been back, I have also wondered what happened to her.
Thanks Bubblegum.
As for people accessing support, all we can do is offer that and let the person come to it in their own time.
Think that is an excellent point about only deleting what you need to and not your whole history 
Thank you again all for your support. I am sorry I have not been online for a while but he has been at home for a couple of weeks.
I am still trying to find the strenth to tell him but I don't know how. And to make it more difficult I have discovered that I am pregnant again. I am very happy about that although I was being so careful about getting pregnant as I think another child would not make things better at all.
But I guess I have to take it as it comes now.
I am considering telling him this weekend, I don't know how it will go but I can't take any more arguments which I know will start. I wish I could have a normal mum that I could call and stay for a while with as I feel so along at the moment.
Thanks again everyone for your replys. I will be back here soon.
Take care all for now. (sorry for this moaning)
There may well be a place in a refuge for you if you need accommodation, you can access this through Women's Aid, see above.
I am sorry that things are so hard for you right now. We are thinking of you and wishing you well as you work out the best way forward
Please don't feel you're moaning - you're not.
This is so difficult (understatement, I know) for you.
Please take care.
Hi KW33. Am thinking of you. Rehearse what you are going to say to him, stick to it, and if you're sure of what you want, don't back down. Let us know, if you can, how it goes. Take care
Very good point you make bubblegum, thanks for that.
Hi KW33
I just want to reiterate what Louise has said....contact Womens Aid, they may be able to offer you a safe place to stay and help you get on your feet. At least call them on 0808 2000 247 and have a discussion about your options.
I understand that you are scared to talk to your partner about separating, it is very important that you have a plan, abusive partners often behave their worst during separation and if you build the confidence to say something, the last thing you need is to not manage to get away.
Keep safe and please please contact Womens Aid using the details above.
Hi KW33
I am so glad you have found this board it is a wonderful place with lots of great people who give really good advice.
There probably wont be many people on tonight as its getting late and the weather is terrible, but they will be here tomorrow in abundance and will give you lots and lots of support, please do keep coming back on here.
I cant give you the answers you are seeking but can send you lots of good wishes, its not nice to be in a strange country and feel so alone, we are all a friendly bunch on here.
xxx