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Hi i have a teenage daughter (15) who is sending me to an early grave...:( i have been a lone parent for 4yrs now since my ex left me for another woman. My daughter still has a lot of resentment towards the situation what happened even though he is no longer with the other woman, she is still on the scene though for his benefit(if that makes sense) anyway back to my daughter, she has always been a handful even when me and her dad were together but not suprising she got a lot worse when her dad left, she went through the drugs,alchohol,trouble with the police including shop lifting,you name it i have had all of it with her.
my main problem i have is her school attendance and lack of it, i have tried everything to try and get her to school on time and for some time she does good then goes back to normal after a while. I thought she was doing good but now it seems she is going back to her old ways, have to go into school tommorow as she has been late too many times and its now serious.
She has a new boyfriend and he is really really nice, good mannered and respectful, i am worried she could actually be a bad influence on him and he is in his last year of 6th form so this year is very important for him to get into university.
He is good for her and she has stopped going around with friends who were not really good for her or maybe she wasn't good for them...terrible thing to admit but i have to be honest.
I have previously had a lot of stomach problems and when i am stressed i have a very bad episode and normally end up in hospital because the pain is unbearable, i have not had an episode for a long time until this morning when my daughter started her antics again and also she is in trouble with the school because of an incident that happened at the school and it could be disiplinary or exclution from school.
I suffer from bad depression and have not worked for a year now because of this, i have just started to get my life sorted and enrolled at college to try and help me get back into work, i could not go for my first day because of my stomach so now i will have to wait till february for the next intake, she did not care less and did nothing to help me this morning,all she was bothered about was herself and said i should of went, i was in agony and vomiting all over.....i could not believe she reacted the way she did, well actually yes i can.
anway i am at a loose end again and i know most of this might not make sense, maybe i should of been posting more often then you would get an idea of the kind of daughter she is, anyway i hope someone could give me some advice please, even if its just to chat to someone who is actually going through the same. xx
Hi uklady43
I know you have been having problems for some time with your daughter and you felt it was one of the things that had affected your relationship with your other daughter.
First thing to say is that the thing about her being completely oblivious to your pain and distress, whilst it is dreadful, it is NORMAL. In fact I can well imagine a teen saying to their mum "could you not do that in front of the Tv mum, do it in the other room"! This is because teens have no empathy. It's not that she doesn;t love you, it is that she thinks her own concerns override yours massively.
The boyfriend sounds like a steadying influence and don't worry about whether she influences him, that is his problem, not yours! So she has stopped mixing so much with the bad crowd? well that is good news but you are still having to go into school because of her persistent lateness. Does she set off in time? Is the problem that she can't get out of bed? One thing I say to my boy (now 17 but I started it at 16) is that there is no set bedtime for him now but the first time he is late for college that means he is not getting enough sleep and he will have to start having a set bedtime, he needs to show me he is grown up enough to manage his own timetable and grown ups get to places on time.
Is that the "only" problem the school are talking about, the lateness? What sanctions do they impose on the pupils? There is something about letting your daughter take the consequences from the school as she needs to understand that her actions have consequences. At the same time you could think about a Family Contract where she agrees to get to school on time and you agree to.....what could you agree to? cooking her meals? doing the laundry?.....when she says but you do that anyway, that's part of your job,you say aha but getting to school on time is part of YOURS.
Do you think your tummy problems are related to stress? What does the doctor think?
Hi Louise
yes my pains are the subject of stress and they are getting worse. I suffer with depression and was getting on quite well until now and i am back where i started with my depression and my daughter. MY mother is really worried about me and says she is really wearing me down and i have to do something now for my sake. she has suggested i should ask her dad if she can live with him for some time, he is alot more strict and maybe that's what she needs, i feel i am too soft and i do try everything but nothing seems to be working....i am really at a loss now and totally drained of it all. just don't know where to turn.....:(
Hi uklady43
So how would you feel about her living with her dad? Would it feel that you were totally on your own, or would it be a relief to get some peace? I am also wondering about how it would affect your money situation. I am guessing you are on either Employment Support Allowance or Job Seekers Allowance and so get your rent and council tax covered, so the main difference would be the loss of child benefit and child tax credit, and you would just be left with your ESA to live on.
hi louise
to be honest it would be a relief and also i would feel more lonely than i do now.....just don't know which way to turn!!!! i need to get better for myself and my daughter always seems to bring me down again or maybe its my illness that is causing this??? just so confused and feel like running away if i'm totally honest.
Oh poor you, it all sounds rotten for you, I know that feeling of not knowing where to turn, it just feels like "Please someone just TELL me what to do!!!"
Well I have no magic wand but let's start with two practical questions:
What are the money implications? (see my post above, could you manage without that money?) and
Have you been to the doctor recently about your tummy and depression?
hi uklady
when a relationship breaks down its so easy to take it out on the people that are around us,(9 out of 10 times, our kids), i've been guilty of that myself so don't feel bad just recognise not everything that is stressing you is down to her.. like you i suffered from stomach ulcers when i was severly stressed at one piont in my life, the pain is unbearable and depleats all energy from the body..you need quiet time in your head and meditaion will give you that, also breathing excercises will help release the trapped stress your body is holding on to... it takes commitment from you but believe me it helps.
you need to be active in taking control of your girls schooling, i had to physically take my daughter and drop her at reception every morning for 3 weeks till the penny finaly dropped that i was not allowing her to give up on herself.. shes now 18 (and still gobby)!, but shes at college and taking control of her future..
also the greatest thing that helped me deal with the teenage years was to remind myself what they were like as toddlers and the unconditional love they show us in those years, get the photo's out and look at them with her, laugh cry whatever comes but please re-connect with her, she needs you more than ever now...
Welcome to my world. My son who is 14 had started to drink and smoke. I flipped when I found out about it since no one drinks or smoke at home. I didn't know what to do to him. He talks back now and doesn't care when he is grounded or punished. I think it all started when he started hanging out with some shady kids. I guess the influence to him is pretty strong since I always told him to never this stuff before. His school is suffering also and he used to be a good student. :( I even contemplated sending him somewhere to right him back. I guess all I can say that all parents get through this stage one way or another.Just be level headed and hopefully we'll get through it soon.
Our children need to know that we 'like' them. Easier said than done, true, but it is possible and we have to continue to try and be the biggest influence in their lives.
I was a pretty wayward teen and looking back I was confused as my parents seemed to live in the dark ages. However as long as they were saying negative things to me, the more negative I felt about myself. I would never have admitted, I might not have even recognised it, but I was out of control. I needed firm boundaries and my parents to show me that they still loved me and more essentially liked me. All I ever heard from them was negative stuff about me, how I was irresponsible, untidy, drug addict, good for nothing etc etc
Now I have delivered many parenting programmes and one topic I love is Praise! Tell your teenager every day one thing that you like about them. You will probably laugh at their reaction! Tell them you like their cap, you appreciate that they always put their shoes in the cupboard, that they are tidy, or laugh and say that you love the fact that they are as untidy as you were as a teenager!
I have heard so many parents of teens say 'I can't stand her at the moment', 'she's doing my head in', 'I wish they would just move out and get on with whatever they want without me having to know about it'. However we still love our children and actually do care very much what our teen is up to.
shy323, what do you enjoy doing with your son, do you ever get the chance to just hang out together?
Excellent post, Anna 
shy323 hope you find her reply helpful. I had to edit your post as a link to an external site had been embedded, which is not permitted without permission, just wanted to explain that 
Hi shy323
I hope you manage to make some positive steps forward with your son.
Hi update on my daughter
well i am pleased to say things are a lot better now from last time i posted, my daughter has been so much nicer..yes she still has her moments but that's just typical teenagers for you...lol her school is a lot better too, not perfect yet but she is getting there, I have got myself a new job and life is so good at the moment, i think me and my daughter get on so much better now as she can see i am so much happier and definetly not as stressed as i was. I think she respects me more now and likes that i am working. I totally agree with the comments about paraise, i have always been a believer in this theory, i always praise my daughter for the little things she does and it does work, i can see the delight in her eyes, yes i still do have to be firm with her but when she does even the simple good thing i tell her how proud i am of her and that she is a lovely girl...:) her dad on the other hand is the opposite and i have tried telling him this but i'm not getting through to him...but to be honest its his problem and i am only concerned with the relationship between me and my daughter. so for now life is good.....xx
Hi uklady
It is great to hear from you and even better to hear that things have improved. Can you identify what caused the improvment? I am asking because it is worth you hanging onto for the future.
Well done on your new job! How are things healthwise?
hi louise
my health is a lot better ..as i said in previous posts i think it was all stress related and now life is so much calmer and i am a lot happier which i think has a impact on my daughter. I think the point of my daughters improvemments was when i had a meeting at the school with her teachers and attendance officer and they explained to her how serious things can get if things did not improve with her attendance, i would be prosecuted and she knows how hard i struggle financially, like i say she still not perfect but i can honestly say the change in her is massive and she is actually turning into a lovely young lady...) i am so proud of her xx
Yes, I expect you are, and we are proud of YOU, too!
That's fantastic uklady43. I'm so glad.
Thats great to read uklady43! It definitely sounds like you have turned a corner.
Our children hate it when we are ill, when they feel vulnerable they need to see that we are still strong and holding the reins. It sounds as though your daughter has matured.
So what have you been up to recently uklady43?
hi all and thank you for your comments, yes i think my daughter is maturing and she is actually i lovely person.....
Hi anna i toally agree when you say our children hate seeing us not well, i really think me being better and happier has had a massive affect on her and the more i can hold it together the more she is so nice.....i think we were both going through a bad time in our lives and bounced the negativity off each other.
I am now working 2 jobs, shattered but i have never been more happy, i went to job centre today to sign off and it was the best feeling. when i walked in my daughter gave me a massive hug, she is so proud of me. I am also looking for a smaller property for us as my house is too big and its too much for me both physically and financially, when i got home today a lady 2 doors away put a note in my door asking to exchange with her, she has a lovely home and it would be ideal (no moving costs,,,ha ha) anywway going have a look tommorow and see what happens.
Also i have met someone recently, had one date and seeing him again tommorow for coffee again, he seems a lovely guy. i am just taking it very slowly and see where it goes....i am too busy for anything else at the moment...ha ha
so there is my story up to now......happy happy days....i will keep u updated on the dating..:)
take care for now xx
Hey hey uklady43, look at you! Your news is fantastic. I am so happy to hear that you and your daughter are on better ground. It can be so painful when we are battling. It sounds like she is able to support you, now you are feeling stronger.
Very exciting about the neighbour, that would be perfect?! Eek its all change!
Congratulations for signing off! It does feel like an amazing achievement, a bit daunting, but also a great relief!
Enjoy your coffee with your 'date', enjoy it, as Louise said in another post, you really don't need to be looking for a 'life partner' right now. Just have some fun and keep busy with other areas of your life.
Thank you for making my day, I love hearing good news! Keep it up!
Hello uklady. I'm not going through the same thing, (son is only 9), but I just wanted to say that I've read stuff on here, similar to how your daughter is acting, so I'm sure someone will give you some good advice. In fact I know they will
You say she has a boyfriend now, and you're worried she might be bad for him. Have you actually thought, that maybe he might be a good influence on her? Anything is possible right? As for you and your stomach pains, you really need to get to the bottom of it. Are you on any medication at all? I hope you're feeling better tonight. You don't have to post more often, you can post whenever you wish too, someone will always get back to you.