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Hi all I don't really know where to start this is soooo long so appologies to anyone that gets bored or fed up. I don't know where else to turn for advice.
My ex and I have been togther 5 years basically we can't be together I can't go into detail. We have a gorgeous 3 year old daughter that my daughter dotes on and of course so do I.
We split last May as we couldn't be together and he moved away because we just couldn't make the break however we didn't really break it off we kept in touch everyday and in our minds we were still together every time he came home which was about every 3 months we were together, that was until about 3 weeks ago where I said I can't do this anymore I kept thinking he was with someone else and just felt my life was on hold I lived constantly waiting and hanging on him for his next text, phone call and his next visit home. In the back of my mind I didnt really want to move on was just saying this.
Anyway after saying this he agreed then he told me he had been on 3 dates with a girl and kissed her my whole world fell apart. I tried cutting contact have fallen a few times and got in touch breaking down on the phone and now found out that he's been out more with this girl and they are "seeing" each other. I am dealing with this as tough as it is I haven't been in touch with him for a week and am feeling better for it and know that we can't be together so this needs to happen therefore I need to move on and get on with it and go through the process of a breakup.
My dilemma really is my daughter since all this has happened and we havent been in touch, I did speak to him once about what is he going to do about see our daughter coming back every 3 months isn't enough for her. I understand that in the last year it has been necessary to break our relationship but clearly that's happened and there's no going back as I feel the upmost betrayal has been done. I feel like he's cheated in a way. I suggested that if he moved back over he here (obviously not with me) that he saw her every couple of weeks and spent the day with her. His reply was if he doesn't get a job within the 2 months he is moving back and that he would think about my suggestion. i told him I didn't want her to grow up and resent him for not making more of an effort and I feel he's living the single life and should accept the responsibility and grow up. He's only given me £10 since May. He tells me the reason he's not sure about moving back is me and him are so fresh in his mind and he doesn't hink he can deal with it, yet he can be with another girl???? it's heartbreaking for me yet I want what's best for our daughter and a mutual friend is willing to go as a go between so we don't have to see each other to cause anymore pain than neccessary so I just think it's all an excuse because he's made a new life for himself and doesn't want to face his responsibilities and would rather stick his head in the sand.
Can anyone offer any advice on what I should do?
He's coming over in 2 weeks to see our daughter so I'm mentally trying to prepare myself emotionally for seeing him and what to say to try and get him to realise what he needs to do
Thanks to anyone that actually managed to read all of this sorry again
I'm so heartbroken by all of this it's all so fresh at the moment each day is good and bad all rolled into one but at least I have some good in a day and I hope one day I can move on and my daughter will have a stable father she can rely and turn to
Hi Louise, Thanks so much for your response.
I know I need to lay down the rules. I'm just not sure how to go about it, especially with him living away. Do I say you must see your daughter every other weekend or not at all or let him visit her every 3 months if he doesn't move back? I feel I can't stop him seeing her if he doesn't move back but I also feel I don't want him walking in and out of her life as and when he choses like my dad?
I don't know where to start about going to see a councellor to be honest. I'll have a look I need some perspective on how to solve this situation
Thanks for getting back to me
Hello ELP
You can ask your GP about 6 free sessions of counselling,
As for your daughter's dad, maybe you cannot specify when he sees her but you can take control by writing a letter or email, for example:
"Dear X, since our separation Y has been really unsetlled. I have been asking people with experience of how children react to this situation and they all agree that routine is vitally important to smaller children. With this in mind, I would like us to agree about defnite contact times when you will see Y. I am happy to agree these to fit in with your other commitments but I do need us to agree and stick to the agreement to be fair to Y. If you are unable to suggest anything then I would like to suggest (whatever time you want to suggest). In addition we need to agree about the payment of Child support money, I do not wish to go to to the Child Support Agency but will have to do so if you will not accept the financial responsibility you have for Y and pay an agreed amount every month"#
It really is about you taking charge now 
Hi ELP. Just wanted to welcome you along. Have to agree with Louise, your ex didn't really cheat on you, but I can see why you feel as if he did. You say he is coming over in 2 weeks, and you're getting yourself ready emotionally for that. I would say, get someone else to hand over your daughter, so you don't have to see him at all. You can communicate by e.mail, text or something, even if it's just until you get yourself sorted.
Hi ELP, welcome to One Space and sharing what is going on for you. You have tried and tried to make this work, but you know in your heart now that it is over.
So, regardless of his contact decisions, you need to look after yourself and your daughter. Do you attend any playgroups? Do you have family and friends close by with children a similar age?
hi ELP welcome to this site and stay with us here as this site will provide help and support .i do agree with anna in that i think that you know that is over . try to go to playgroups it will get you out and about and you will make new friends .
Hi all thanks so much for your comments. I think I've finally accepted that it is over I do still go through the other stages but am mostly in the acceptance stage now. I just really want what's best for my daughter but I have to realise I can't force him to spend time with his daughter. I wrote him a letter as suggested by Louise and I'm going to leave it as that I've done my bit if expressed my opinion and feelings on the importance on him in her life whether he does that or not is no longer up to me now and is his responsibility. I have to concentrate on my daughter and getting over this myself and not thinking about him anymore.
We go to playgroups ad have a lot of friends with children we are always very busy and since all of this I have taken up activities for myself to get myself a social life that's just for me. Which I think has really helped to keep me going and keeping me strong and not kept me so down. I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and actually thinking that we're better off without someone unreliable around always waiting when we fit into his life we can now get on with our life and do the things we want when we want and since doing all this and the difference in myself has really shown on my daughter she's been so much happier, more contented I didn't realise that the stability and happiness from just me would be much better than the unstability of a bad relationship and of me being unhappy I wish I saw this sooner. i know I'm not always happy but I'm trying my best to make sure shes very happy and not missing out on anything
Hey ELP, I love your post! Reading it reminds me so much of me when the realisation sank in that there was nothing I could do in regards to my daughters father doing what I thought would be the right thing.
You are 100% right, life is all about you two from now on and it will be FINE, just keep doing what you are doing. There will be tough days, but you will get tougher too!
You are doing activities, creating a social life and basically a whole new world around your little family, well done you! Give yourself a huge pat on the back, it seems like you have stepped over the threshold into the wonderful world of single parenthood and now you just need to open your arms and embrace it as it can be sooo rewarding!
So what kind of activities have you been up to? It is good to read that you have a good social circle, what about your family do they live close by?
Hi Anna, I Have mostly got back into my fitness which I let go while I was with him. I now do this almost everyday it's only for an hour but it's something just for me. i love it and I'm meeting new people. Going to these classes has really boosted my self esteem and i always feel great leaving there and wanted to do something positive for myself. I've also signed up for some charity events to focus on so doing a 10k run a week Sunday and half a half marathon to do in October for a Bliss because my duaghter was premature.
I never did anything for myself while we were together so really feel like I'm finding myself again. Also spending more time with friends now with their children going places having play days and alone times in the evenings having a girls night while the children are in bed.
Mostly my self esteem and confidence had gone in the relationship not really by him I think there was mistake on both sides, now Im just foucusing on building myself up again and enjoying life being me and making my daughter happy as best I can.
Yes I do have family close by they are supportive to some extent but not always so I try to limit how much time I spend with them as sometimes I find they make me feel worse than I did before I saw them and they don't help the situation making me feel guilty for trying to create my own life again.
He's just changed his relationship status on fb that hes in a relationship with this girl I was expecting it but it has knocked me a bit just seems so rushed only dating a few weeks. I know I shouldn't care. But i think how will he move back to spend regular time with his daughter if he's in a relationship with someone? I'm hoping this is the final statement now that I knew was coming and will help me to finally push me to move on properly I know I keep getting setbacks but I'm finiding I don't spend so long on the setbacks as I would have before. So I must be progressing. My inital reaction was a turn in my stomach and my heart went and panic but after I calmed down there was no anger and I genuinely just want to move on I want him to be happy wish them both well and for me to be happy too. Mostly I want what's best for my daughter from the both of us if he cannot do that I will just accept that and do the best I can for her regardless she will have the very best I can give her and will always come first with me and will understand one day and make her own decision and it will be up to her to make her own mind up on the relationship she wants with her father.
Hi elp - i don't want to put a dampner on your positiveness but my ex also told me "officially" a week or so ago and i felt the same as you - at least i know what i had known all along etc - felt stronger, more able to move on - then last Friday i saw them together (although i had seen them together it wasn't offical then ifyswim) it really knocked me for six and i have been at a very low point since - i know i have to go through this official stage of the grieving process but i am finding it hard as i thought i had done this bit - we have been apart 4 months - so i hope that you don't hit this point as i have but just wanted you to be prepared if you do - i wish you well in your recovery
ELP, facebook adds so much to pain.
If you can, delete him... I really mean this in the kindest way.
Or change to the time line thingy, which I can't get my head around 
I have deleted him but I know who his new gf is and had a look at her not that I'm friends with her and saw that she's in a relationship with him. I know I shouldn't have looked the only one that's hurting is me so I will really try try try not to look again sooo hard to not snope. Really need to just focus on me now
Yes, it is very hard not to look
ELP every day as you go to bed, think of one positive thing about the day that has gone, and one thing to praise yourself for. For example, you could say "Today the sun was shining and well done to me, for doing my fitness routine" or "Today I had such a good laugh at my class, and well done to me for cooking everyone a nice tea" That sounds really trite when I write it down like this but it ensures a daily injection of positivity
Thanks Louise I definitely will do the writing down. And yes no more looking no matter how hard I will treat it equally as the no contact and busy myself whenever i get the urge.
Tomorrow is a new day and now it's all about me and my girl to move forward with our new life together as our new little family
Ok my ex is coming back over next Thursday to see our Daughter he will be coming to see me at some point to discuss the future about regular access to seeing her like I asked in the letter. I feel like I can see him I feel like I've accepted the situation and theres no way I want back what we already had. But is it wrong that I want to show him how well I'm doing without him? I know I should be at a stage where I should be indifferent to his thoughts and opinions but I know I'm not fully over this but I also do't want what we had back I just want him to see that I am coping amazingly well and that I am far much better off and happier without him is this wrong of me? To want this? Does this mean I'm not ready to see him? I'm hoping when I see him I will look at him and think what did I see in you and can't believe how far I have come and really am moving on I know it can be the other way but I am prepared either way.
Hi ELP no i don't think your wrong to want him to think that you are happy and have moved on, i know i for one have thought exactly the same thing as have many others. In the past i had spent time doing my hair or generally making sure i looked good when i was going to have contact with the ex. If i'm honest in the early day's it was a kind look what your missing kind of thing.
This quickly changed when i finally realised i did not want him back, and became i am happy with out you!! Thing is we don't now which way our emotions are going to go til we come face to face with them. You say your prepared either way, can you let us know how your prepared?
I'm thinking I'm prepared either way by not getting into conversation about his personal life and not about mine that way I'm not letting my emotions take over the conversation. Also as for feelings take over me I know I have to remain calm when I see him and I expect to go through feelings of wanting him back or missing him but know that things have changed for a reason and the only reason we are meeting is for our daughter and that will be my focus. I will try my best not to indulge my thoughts while he is here and not to read into things when he leaves and to expect to go back through the processes after he leaves but to hopefully pass through the stages much quicker if I stick to what I plan on doing. I do want to show him what he's missing and how happy I am not that my mind is free of him and without him in my life and I'm getting on with my life and I'm determined not to slip up if emotions overcome me and I don't want to let all this hard work go to waste by indulging in any feelings I get if I see him so will embrace them deal with them and accept the situation for what it is as a learning curve and hopefully move on I know it's a lot easier said than done. I'm really hoping when I see him I have actually moved on which will be a huge relief and I think I will be so proud of myself and could finally put it all behind me knowing it's just thoughts of him I'm used to having and need to learn to thin of new thoughts and it's all just a habit to think of him and I am actually over him
You have really thought this through, ELP, well done to you, one thing that might help is if you imagine he is a business associate and what you are discussing is a work matter.I think it will also boost your confidence if you can look good, seem happy and sorted and CALM..........good luck
I will definitely look at it like that Louise thank you. And I will make sure I look good and that my happiness shows and how well we are doing without him definitely staying CALM is high on the list. Thanks for your good luck I need it lol
Hi all I've had a bad few days 
think it's been how his new relationship is offical just feel like I'm going through the stages again and can't stop thinking about him again. I don't wat him back I just don't know why I can't stop thinking about him It's driving me nuts wish I could stop I keep trying to distract myself but at the moment not much is working.
Anyway was hoping for some advice for the looming visit on Thursday or possibly on the weekend a day hasn't been confirmed yet. Can anyone give me any tips on how I need to be, what to expect anything really I felt like I was ready but now I'm not so sure so any advice on how to prepare myself would be gratefully received 
hi elp - sorry you are having a few bad days - i have been there and sometimes go back there so i know how you feel. The good news is that when i was told "officially" about other woman, which was about 2 weeks ago, i had a few bad days but i got over it relatively quickly. Whereas at the beginning (5 months ago) everyday seemed to be a bad day
My advice to you would be meet somewhere neutral - it is certainly less explosive for me
I also took some rescue remedy
I am reading a book called putting children first - in it it says keep to contact issue,leave the past behind, avoid apportioning blame, think about the language you use - state facts not "you never do this", listen properly, treat other parent with respect
wish I had done all of the above but i am human
good luck - if all else fails imagine him in a dress
Thank you so much LRH I'll take all of that on board. We have never really argued my biggest worry will be he'll tell me he's decided to stay away because it's all so fresh for him with someone else) so that means he'll only see our daughter every few months which I don't think is right. but I have to accept that I cant force someone to move bacl or spend more time with they're daughter and it's his responsibility now to maintain the bond they have but I also think she will suffer from his decision which frustrates me. I've decided though that I've really put my point across in the letter in what I want from him and why I want it for our daughter and we can discuss this if he's not willing to do this then I won't push the matter any further I've done my part and will tell her one day.
I may very well imagine him in a dress I'm thinking that will definitely be coming to mind ha ha 
Hi ELP, you are bound to be feeling emotional at the moment, please be gentle with yourself. You do know how to be around him, read what you wrote on Friday. You are just having a blip.
Meeting somewhere neutral is a brilliant idea, can you do that?
Doing your hair and making yourself feel good is essential, not for him, but for yourself.
Showing that you are coping fine is good too, because even though you might be tearing up inside, you don't want him to know that.
Treating it like a business meeting, is a fab way forward, especially if he is going to wear a dress
Thank you I will try and do those things. The way I'm feeling at the moment I really don't want to see him. I know he's coming back Thursday but have no idea what his plans are in coming to see our daughter and I don't want to get in contact with him to ask him. I feel so drained and feel so upset by the whole situation like I'm right back where I started except I'm just not crying. I feel so sad, angry at times in denial in no way do I want him back I just want this all to go away. I'm worried my thoughts are obsessive about him I can't get him out of my head and him with this girl it's driving me up the wall. I'm telling myself it doesn't matter anymore but it keeps creeping up in my head. I'm being busy active I know it takes time and it;s aprocess I have to go through but it's driving me mad. I feel like I'll never meet someone else (which I also know is normal) not that I want to just yet. I just want to not care about him anymore he didn't treat me well so why does it hurt so much and why do I care so much I want to knock my head against the wall. I'm reading a couple of books How to Mend your broken heart and i can Mend you Brokenheart actually I've already once but feel I need to read them again my head is in such a mess 
Hello ELP
Yes it is totally normal to feel all these things, you are not being obsessive, you just can't switch off feelings like a light!
The books you mention are very helpful so I am glad you are reading them again. We have an article that explains the recovery process, I am posting it here.
sorry you are feeling so low ELP - sending you a hug
Hello ELP
Welcome to One Space
You have had so much emotion to deal with, he did not really cheat as you were not together but it feels like that to you because he kept coming back and you would think it might work out, and then it didn't......a cycle of hurt and false hope. Sadly those who are inconsistent partners will sometimes make inconsistent partners,
You asked for advice and no-one can take the decision for you, All I can say is that he will treat you and your daughter as badly as you let him...in other words it is for YOU to lay down the rules. Now of course it is great for your daughter and her dad to have a close relationship but he needs to understand that she is not 16, she is three and needs routine and security. I say again, the rules need to be made by you and stuck with, for her sake.
How do you feel about talking through some of your feelings with a counsellor? You have had so much to process that it may help to make some sense of it and decide how to move forward.