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Been separated from my husband for 18 months.
(We were married for 31 years, 4 years, I evicted him after I got cancer and he was abusive.) After 6 months of separation, I decided to start dating someone who lives about 30 miles from me. We met online.
We have been dating for 15 months, I fell in love with him quite quickly. Now it transpires that he doesn't feel attached to me because he hasn't fallen in love. He's treated me very well, never said "I love you," but it was clear that I was considering us a long-term relationship.
Well, it all came out yesterday that I'm in love and he isn't and we seem to be breaking up. It all started when he blanked me for 4 days and I politely questioned him about that (as it was out of the ordinary) and then more and more came out.
His last two relationships, one she loved him and he didn't love her back, and after 18 months she told him she felt used and dumped him. Before that, he loved and that woman didn't and they split up.
I cried literally for 7 hours yesterday and today I keep starting to cry. My daughter told me, "Please don't cry in the shoe store, Mum. It's embarrassing."
I feel naive for assuming he loved me. I feel naive for saying loving things to him about us as a couple and being optimistic about the future. I feel really, really hurt and confused. He's only the second guy I've ever fallen in love with and I'm 52!
I suffer with anxiety and depression already and my divorce has been very acrimonious. I have no family in this country and I just feel awful.
I know it's good to feel emotions, to feel alive, it's good to have risked even though the relationship didn't turn out. I know all those sensible things. I just want what I thought I had, which was a loving relationship.
I never realised that a broken heart causes physical pain. I do not want to date, I hate dating, it already makes me anxious and now this. I felt loved for the first time in so long, and it was all about sex (I guess) for him.
Thanks for listening.
mumx5inuk
Thank you for writing, Louise, it helps more than I can say. I am trying to tell myself that just because I won't have a future with him doesn't mean I won't have a good future. But that's just my head, my heart is hurting, hurting and bleak.
I will see him tomorrow, which will be hard but may also help a bit in the long run. I'll keep you posted. x
Hi mumx5inuk and welcome to One Space, sorry to hear about what has been happening recently in your life, your right though you will have a good future, once you have had time to get over your hurt.
Have your children any kind of relationship with him, i suppose i am asking if this is going to have any impact on them too?
Hi mumx5inuk
Im so sorry to hear you are so upset. I know the feeling of loving someone so much and not being loved back. The relationship im in now kind of felt like that for the first few years but now we both feel the same. I think some men take time and if hurt in the past (like my man) they are a tough cookie to crumble.
Take it a day at a time and I hope he see's what he has and realises what he could lose (just try not to do the emotional stuff in front of him be strong)
Big hugs hope your ok
HM x
Thank you for your kind post, Sally, and for your concern about my children. He's had a polite, distant presence (I can't say relationship) with my two youngest children still at home. It was a bit of an issue that he has never introduced me to his daughter (18 yo.) That felt a bit strange to me, as though he never intended (or expected) our relationship to last.
When it came round to our 1st (and only) anniversary, it landed on his daughter's birthday, so I said, let's move it to our 2nd date. (I wanted his daughter's birthday to take precedence.) Not sure why he didn't like that. I thought it was a reasonable thing to do, but he said it might not "feel the same." (?)
Sorry to ramble. The only effect on the children so far is being around a crying mum! Yesterday as we were getting ready to go into a shop, my 12 year old daughter said, "Please don't cry in the shop, Mum. Its embarrassing."
Hello again, yes sometimes things that feel strange at the time, sort of slot into place at a later date don't they? As the days go by you will be able to channel your life a bit more into "mourning times" and "practical times" where you can go to the shops without crying. If your children are a bit puzzled, explain that it will take you a few weeks to get settled again and you will get better day by day (in reality recovering from a break-up can tak a lot longer but in a few weeks you should be able to cope as far as they can see!!) Don't forget what I said about the GP though.....you know sometimes people think there must be something "wrong" with them when they are so sad or grief-stricken but you have to remember that what you are feeling is a NORMAL response to what has happened, to everything that has happened.
Do your children see their dad, in other words do you get a break?
Hi happy mama,
Many thanks for your kind message. I was so sure things were moving towards a break up, but when I saw what you wrote I thought there might be hope. It sounds like there was a gradual progression with your current relationship until (as you wrote) you both feel the same. That is so hopeful. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I guess I just need to think about how long I want to carry on in a relationship where there is a mismatch of attachment. But for now I want to keep trying.
I'm still crying every day, but it's getting less each day. I think some of the crying is about my divorce too, and having to do stressful things like talk to my solicitor about the effects of my having had breast cancer on my future ability to buy an annuity!!!
(I told her, how many bad things can you pack into one sentence? Divorce, cancer, pension, annuity. She said, "I'm glad you've still managed to keep your sense of humour." That was before the Week of Crying began.)
Thanks again, happy mama!
x x
Hello mumx5inuk
I am glad to hear that things are improving a little for you in terms of the crying. In my first post to you I talked about the different losses and you have experienced and also suggested a book that may help you, maybe you could read that post again now you are a few days down the line?
You WILL get through this time but it is a long process and you need to take care of yourself through it all, and also make sure the children are OK too
Hi mumx5inuk
Sounds like your solicitor was right. Ive always said weather you laugh or cry about something you will still feel the same - Ive cried buckets (this weekend after being told my brohers cat had died - think i saw it 10 times over 3 years but I cried like i did when i lost my mum until my daughter reminded me of my own saying.
When I was going though my divorce (which was awful as the ex had nothing to fight for but then decided to make me out a bad mother (yes that old chestnut) I nearly had a break down but i focused on the future and kept saying this time next year it will all be over and it was and i still set myself goals for the future when things are going wrong.
Hope your doing better today x
HM
It's all too much for me right now. I would much rather be dead than alive this week. I bought the book you suggested off amazon secondhand, but I'm resisting reading it because it seems like it would mean that my heart is broken and my relationship is irretrievable. Then I think, read it about your divorce relationship. But that's not what's hurting right now...
I have seen him once since I realised that he is not in love with me. I was trying to put on a brave face. "I must have seriously misread the situation. I was so sure that I was on a train to Edinburough. It's been a shock to realise that I'm actually on a different train...a train to ?Reading?. But maybe I can get my head around this."
He seems concerned about me but doesn't seem to care if he loses me. Whereas I'm crying hours a day.
This week I found out that I must sell my house as part of the divorce (I paid 70% of deposit from inheritance) rather than stay in it until my youngest is 18 (2018), which is what I had been hoping for. This is hitting me very, very hard, as this house is the only home I've had longer than 4 years since I was born. I've been here 17 years.
Also this week my daughter accidentally wiped all the data off my laptop, including my most prized possession in the world--all my family photos, 20,000. I have about one tenth of that backed up. (I bought a hard drive to back them all up, but after 2,000 I ran into folder problems.)
I know I will live through the next year somehow, but I'd rather a large tree fell on me or a hitman executed me. I am bone tired, physically and emotionally, from cancer, from my son's illness, divorce, now photos gone, relationship ending. Monday I had to call an ambulance because I was in so much pain. They took a heart trace and said it sounded like gall stones. It was a frightening experience.
I confided in my mother that I had cried for hours and for days and all she could say was that she was "relieved." Because he's poor and has a disabled child! Her second husband was a wealthy man (which she cared about.) I felt very, very sad to receive no comfort at all from my mother. I have no siblings.
One of the recent events that has contributed to my exhaustion is the case of the Chinese Woman. My ex met her on skype and she flew here to meet him and stay for 6 weeks (at enormous expense to her.) Every time I dropped my daughter off to see her dad, I had to face Chinese Woman, smiling and offering me a plate of warm, homemade dumplings. She brought gifts from China for my children. Three weeks ago she flew back to China and they have no plans to meet again. She wanted marriage and he told her that he couldn't afford a second wife because I was too "financially demanding" in the divorce.
I had to have the ambulance round on Monday because of blinding pain. They took a heart trace to rule out heart attack and then said it sounded to them like gallstones. I can't take much more, but I know I have to keep going. I just see the most crap of crap years ahead ( the next 12 months) and I'd rather just not be here. I've maxed out on counselling at one charity, which makes me sad as I really got on with that counsellor. I guess I should get on the waiting list at another charity. I hate that there's no continuity. I need continuity. (Because I'm taking medication for breast cancer, the only antidepressant avail to me is the one I'm already taking.)
And yet every time I see the GP, he says I'm "coping admirably, given the circumstances" and I trust him. But how can it be normal to prefer death all the time? I'm so proud that I don't do drugs or alcohol.
Many thanks for listening and for your kind thoughts.
Hi mumx5inuk, you really are going through the mill at the moment. I wonder if you could go back to your doctor and say 'Actually I really am NOT coping at all well right now'??
It is really scary when we are in physical pain and have to call out the ambulance, I had to do this recently myself (kidney stones), you aren't quite sure if you are causing too much of a fuss, you may feel daft because you don't have a partner or a loved one looking after you and generally you feel unwell and need/want to be loved and supported.
Do you get support from Cancer Self Help groups that are dotted around the country? I think you could benefit from being with a group of people who are all experiencing some real life changing events.
I think regarding the recent ex, the pain that you are feeling is wrapped up in an awful lot of stuff here. Let him go, look after yourself, you will move forward, life will support and look after you.
With regards to the house, it seems a little unfair, is it possible to disputethis decision?
Hello again, I am so sorry that you feel you would rather be dead than alive, you need to see you doctor as soon as possible to talk over these thoughts. I am surprised to hear you have been told that only one anti depressant is available to you in view of your medication
Have you had contact with Breast Cancer Care? (click) it is an excellent site with great emotional support for those experiencing treatment and its aftermath and also there is a helpline with cancer nurses available and you could check out the medication situation with them
How about the Penny Brohn Centre? They have a massive range of services.
From an emotional point of view, in addition to your cancer you also have other things to face. First of all there is the end of your marriage, as I said to you before I don't think you grieved that (as you had so much to cope with!) and also the practical implications of that, such as the house. Very, very hard to have to move now.....what are your plans?
You are really finding it hard to accept what is going on with your new partner. You say he does not love you.....sounds like it really is time to make the break. We cannot "make" another person love us and truly, believe me, you need some time on your own to grieve everything that has happened. I know part of you is clinging onto your dreams with him because it was your lifeline and it feels so very hard to let go of that but please believe me when I say that you are just prolonging your misery and suffering, a bit like poking an open wound instead of giving it chance to heal. Sorry to be so tough, I have worked as a counsellor for years now and I am speaking from experience.
You say you have the crappest of years ahead. Well, maybe you do. If you read the stories of others on here, there are people in such despair...and yes they do have a dreadful few months or even a year...but then LIFE STARTS TO IMPROVE. It will only do so, however, if you can truly invest this time in confronting your grief, being able to face the truth about your relationship and realising that hope springs eternal and you WILL have happier times ahead. The alternative is to let this continue to stagnate and to make the difficult time much longer. Grasping the nettle of grief is such a powerful action and one that will pay dividends for you in the months and years to come.
Please, please go back to your doctor and tell them you are feeling so despairing, if you find it hard to say the words then write it down in a short bullet point statement (this worked for me when no words came out of my mouth) Don't forget, you are never alone, the Samaritans are there 24/7. During my own worst time, sometimes I just rang them and cried. Their number is 08457 909090
We are here for you too.
I'm very confused now. Spoke to my chemist (she needed to do an annual review of my meds) and told her that I will go to GP in three weeks for a dosage increase if I am still sleeping and crying all the time. Because of my cancer meds, there is only one antidepressant I can take (which I'm already on), so I know what GP will say.
I am planning on seeing the guy I'm dating this coming weekend, and I wrote down what I would email/say to him right now:
"I can sacrifice time and energy for a relationship, but I am in so much pain and turmoil from divorce that I don't feel it's a good use of my time and energy for a sort of 'friends with benefits' situation, where you may choose to go online whenever you decide that you've had enough and want more."
I can guarantee you that he'll say that he himself must endure uncertainty as I too could go "back online." Well, I can tell you, I'm not going back on line until at least 2014.
He said he could still "fall in love," but I'll be the four previous times he knew well before the 15 month mark :-(
He just went through this exact same cycle with the woman he dated before me, and in the end she felt "used," as he carried on seeing her even knowing it wouldn't be a long-term relationship. He is faithful, an essential, but has not introduced me to a single person in his life (he lives 35 miles away.) He has met my two youngest children, he declined to meet my two eldest ("they might not like me.") I sure wanted to meet his daughter, but she's 18 so he said it's not that relevant.
My mother remarried when I was 18 (and didn't invite me to her wedding :-( and my stepdad ended up being a major figure in my life for good, so I don't agree with what he said.
Thanks for listening, I really appreciate it.
Hello again, it does sound as if he finds it difficult to commit and you are prolonging the agony for yourself. All he is able to offer is the status quo, and that does not make you happy. It's a really tough call. Sending you big HUGS this morning
Thank you, Louise, you've summed up the situation well. It's not even that I want a commitment...I definitely don't want to live together. It's just that I thought we were both "in love," and now I am just feeling un-special, un-loved, un-important. Part of me feels that I should leave him alone, but the other part of me is willing to just stay with the status quo. Because even the current situation means companionship, hugs and cuddles, even if it's only twice a month.
My ex and I are getting closer to a financial split. He keeps wanting to meet up to talk at his flat, but I won't talk on his territory. "I just don't get it," he said, "I'll fix you lunch." "I have a lot of experience of you shouting and swearing. We're going to talk in a public place. At the cafe on Wednesday, the barista looked at us and asked, "So, how are you guys today?" "Well, we're just here to discuss our divorce."
At the very end of it all, I made the mistake of telling my ex, "Well, it seems like my situation is that I've got one guy who loves me and treats me badly, and one guy who treats me well but doesn't love me." This was after an hour's divorce negotiation at Starbuck's.
Sure enough, true to form as the domestic abuser he is, he took this confidence of mine (which slipped out) and used it to hurt me. The next day he texted me, "No real man will ever love you once he sees the way you live. Sure he might use you for sex but he won't want a relationship with you."
So it seems, talking in a public place isn't enough. I think I'd better go back to insisting on email. Probably going to see guy I'm dating this weekend (my turn to travel) and I want to ask--Louise's words--what exactly is the status quo? Am I supposed to give you two weeks' notice that I'm signing up for match.com? I do hear what you've said about picking at the wound, but that seems to be what I need to STOP w my ex. No more meeting in cafes, I think.
Also, today I got a text from my ex asking for possible dates for mediation. How can he have forgotten? I've been exempted from mediation due to past domestic violence. Am I meant to be willing to do that mediation where you never actually see each other? I think it's called shuttle mediation, where it's the solicitors that go from room to room with messages.
I can think of some pretty angry messages I'd like to send to my ex now! I do not want to be this angry because I think it is a sign that I'm actually emotionally involved in the relationship. I hope that someday I can get to the place where I feel more neutral towards him, especially now that he's out of my house and living space.
But, Louise, after a relationship of 34 years, it feels like I'll never get him out of my head :-(
Thanks again for listening. It's so good to know you're there (all of you!)
Well yes, the status quo is a fortnightly meetup which you can enjoy for its own sake but accept that it is not going to lead to anything , and NOT get upset about it. And if you are not happy with that then you tell him you are not and that you don't want to see him anymore. As for match.com, it seems that you have so much hurt going on that you need some time on your own, and dont look for another partner just yet, to give you chance to heal...otherwise the hurt from what happened with your ex spills over into the new relationship as you have found.
I agree after 34 years, how the heck do you get over it? Yes, time is a healer but it is not automatic. You got the book I suggested but are reluctant to read it. How about reading it with regard to your ex rather than the current boyfriend? and maybe even then not yet, as you have all these details about the money to sort out first. One step at a time.
It's hard, it's bloody hard, I have been there but you CAN do it, just not all at once, another HUG coming your way!
Hi mumx5inuk, I am in complete agreement with Louise here, now is the time to knock everything and everyone on the head who is not in your corner and doing as you wish/expect. We cant control people but we can choose who is in our lives an to be honest, it sounds as though you could do with people who love and care for you right now, not people who want to hurt you emotionally or use you to their advantage.
I'm sorry but from what I have read I don't believe that you can continue to receive the hugs and cuddles every fortnight, knowing that they are not real. You know in your heart that they are not real, or as honest as you would like them to be anyway.
Please be kind to yourself. I think reverting to email with your ex ex is a brilliant idea. You take control of the situation. Often we make one small change and everything around us starts to change.
I hope you have a good weekend.
Hello mumx5inuk
Welcome to One Space and thanks for sharing, I think it can hit us for six when we realise how strong our emotions really are, and that being more "mature" in years does not make it feel any different from if we were 16!! I so know that feeling of just not being able to stop crying.
However, I would like to suggest to you that the reason you are crying is not "just" this awful shock and sorrow but also the end of your marriage and the cancer you had. All these are massive losses too and sometimes we don't fully mourn at the time because we have things we need to do (in your case, cope with your treatment and its effects and deal with the practicalities the end of a marriage brings) And then when you met this guy, I guess you thought OK all this has been awful but here is something for my future and started to hope again....in fact he may have almost "represented" your future. Does that sound right?
You're right in the things you say, that it IS good that you loved again, it IS good to look to the future but the relationship started so soon after your separation, now is the time to mourn as you need to and then to discover YOU as an individual. There is a book that has helped a few people on here going through your situation, click on the blue link to see it, it is called I can mend your broken heart.
Don't be afraid of these strong feelings...embrace them and go through them as that is the most healing thing that can happen. If these overwhelming feelings are still with you in another 3 or 4 weeks then se your GP. You say that your family all live elsewhere. What about friends? If you don't have many then that is a really good focus for your attention as soon as you feel a bit better.
In the mean time you have found us and this is good place to talk. If you need to hear a human voice in the middle of the night, don't forget The Samaritans (click)
Sending you a BUG HUG this morning and hoping you have had some sleep