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It's been a while since I last posted here. I have been so busy.
So, I have 3 girls ages 18,15 and 11. I'm working full time and going to college two evenings a week. Although I'm tired, I'm coping with working full time, going to college, exams and studying.
My problem is my 15 year old. I work 10-15 minutes away from home (which is great). I have to be in work at 8.45am. I take my 18 year old to train station for 8am, 10 minutes away from home. I wake 15 and 11 year old before we leave. 11 year old is no problem.. up and dressed and ready to leave on time. My 15 year old refuses to go to school unless I drive her. I need to leave the house at 8.25am at the latest in order to drop her off at school on my way to work. She is never ready on time. Sometimes she isn't even out of bed. I give her a countdown, a warning of how much time is left until I have to leave, but she ignores me and makes me late.
I have threatened to leave without her. I have carried out the threat to prove it. If I leave without her, she doesn't go to school. If I warn her I'm leaving, she blackmails me to wait for her, or she won't go to school.
I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, with work giving me warnings about being late, and the education welfare officer breathing down my neck :(
I've worked so hard to get where I am. I don't want to lose my job. Not just because of the new rules for single parents working, but because I feel I'm making something of myself and because we are better off financially.
I just don't know what I'm supposed to do! :(
Hello Rosedragon
Good to hear from you. You certainly have been busy, your life sounds quite hectic at the moment!
I agree with tired mum's post and wondered about formalising it. When she is lying in bed and you are the foot of the stairs, that is maybe not the time to say "Right no internet for three days, young lady!" or whatever. Instead, choose a time when you can both sit down together and draw up a Family Contract (click for information on this). Don't forget all the other things that you do for her, not just drive her to school, you also feed her and I am guessing you maybe give her pocket money and do her laundry? It also may mean that you have to agree to something extra in terms of negotiation.
You must walk out the door when you need to go to work. Do not allow yourself to be blackmailed. If the latest time you can go is 8.25, say at the contract meeting that your boss has had a word with you about lateness and so now you need to leave at 8.15. Tell her that you will be in touch with the Education Welfare people to say that you have put stragtegies in place and at 15, she needs to accept responsibility for getting herself up. Say that if this is impossible and she is still a child, she must be going to bed too late and so she will have to have an earlier bedtime on a school night as if she were that younger child. Advise the Head teacher at the school what you are doing and ask them to support this. Sorry but you really have to get tough on this one!!!!
Good luck......
Hi rosedragon, great to hear that you are striving forward with your life! Sounds like you are very busy with full time work, college and your daughters!
I am so sorry, but i read your post and I remember being exactly the same when I was a teenager!
My daughter is no way near as bad as I was, but she always has the excuse that teenagers need their sleep and that she has heard that they shouldn't get up before 10am as it is unhealthy for their growth etc etc etc! The Family Contract is a good way forward though because it means that you and she get to spend some quality time together, she gets to tell you what she feels she is lacking in her life (teenage angst over not having the right colour hair etc!) and some sort of negotiation where hopefully she will feel respected and heard.
Has the education officer given you any support or useful information around this?
I'd be leaving for work too, I'm afraid - what choice do you have?
I do hope the school is understanding and helpful.
I'd go along with the suggestion of laying down a few ground rules where she will know the implications of her not being fair to you. I.E. withdrawal of privileges.
Only thing I'd say (and sorry if this is teaching granny to suck eggs) make sure you are willing and able to implement and stick to the punishments you have in mind.
In some ways, I've found discipline easier since my wife left. The boys now know that if I say they'll get a punishment (i.e no internet, screen ban, no sleepovers etc), they will get it and they'll not get let off early for good behaviour.
My 14 year old still takes 4 or 5 calls to get him out of bed, but he's always up with time to spare to gel his hair now.
Good Luck
Paul
Hi Lost in France
That's a really good point about sticking to what you have said. It is sooooo temtping to give in and say well next time, or let them back on the internet before the time is up but actually just teaches them that they can get away with it.
Is it possible that she is going to bed too late and is just tired?
She may be texting or on Facebook until late and is just too tired to get up?
Does she like school?
Hi rosedragon
Teens are all the same unfortunately, they go to bed one night and the next morning they have morphed into someone we dont know!!!!! I have 2 teen girls at home and its bedlam, the both go to college but on different days apart from Fri`s which I really look forward to as its a break.
Could you withdraw some priviledges from your daughter? No money, no phone, no internet, I know it isnt easy and I guess I was really lucky that I didnt work when going through it, can you talk to the school, education welfare officer and explain that its not you thats the problem but your daughter is as you say blackmailing you, they should be supporting you in getting her to school and not punishing you for her not getting up in the morning.
I did have a problem with my eldest son when he was at high school and the education welfare officer was great, similar to you, he wouldnt get up in the morning so the welfare officer came to take him, well one morning my son got up and did get dressed and then chased me up the street bashjing me with his heavy school bag as he went, the welfare officer was appauled but powerless to intervene, once my son had gone back into the house, the welfare officer told me never to put myself in that position again and he also said that he would put notes on my sons file to say he had witnessed 1st hand what had happened and there would be no problems from the education and there wasnt!!!!!
Do hope this makes you feel just a little bit better to know that you are not alone in having a problem xxx