Hey all,
I'm a newly single dad of a disabled/autistic 14 year old girl and a 11 year old boy. Both kids live with me full time.
This is my first post in the Dad's section but won't be the last. Just wanted to vent my spleen.
I was just filling in the Life Check thingy and got to the question "Have the children ever seen me ridiculed, undermined or physically assaulted?" Well, i'm pleased to say the answer to the third is "no" but a definite big hairy "yes" to the first two.
I was most aggravated when the answer came back and assumed i was a woman...Have your children seen you be ridiculed, undermined or physically assaulted?
If your children have ever seen you emotionally, mentally or physically abused, it will have affected them.
Witnessing violence or suffering the effects of abuse, is now part of the legal definition of harm to children. However children are resilient and they can get through this, but it is essential that you seek professional support for them and also yourself. Contact Womens Aid to find a service near you. It is never too late; you are away from the abuse now, so it is time for you all to heal. You may carry feelings of guilt, however you mustn’t blame yourself, you are not responsible, you have found the strength to leave the relationship and this is what you must focus on.
Surely people don't think it's only women that get ridiculed, undermined or even physically assaulted? Grrr!
Hi Liquid_Xi
My absolute apologies! When writing all resources for the One Space site we work extremely hard to be mindful to be inclusive of single fathers.
I have looked through the Life Check tool resources and notice that in all the areas that violence and abuse is mentioned we have included fathers resources except in the one you did.
Again I send my utmost apologies as we do not want to exclude anyone and certainly don't believe that it is only women that suffer from abusive partners.
This will be rectified shortly.
PS. Thank you for bringing it to our attention.
Thank you both :-)
Hi Liquid-Xi
I'm a single dad too who suffered at the hands of a violent and abusive partner. It's been seven years since we 'escaped' from her so it's all behind me now (I tell myself) but I too became frustrated at the whole men weighted presumption when it comes to domestic violence everywhere I went, online and in the real world.
The only people who I felt realy understood where the ones who knew or got to know my X, a couple of police men and the woman from CAFCASS that dealt with me in particular.
It's very hard for people to understand, particularly women and particularly women who have been the victimes of violence at the hands of men, that's my experience anyway and it's not their fault because everything you understand you undestand from your own experiences. Personaly I didn't understand it all untill it happend to me, I used to think why don't they just walk away, who hangs about in those sort of situations, what sort of an idiot stays in a violent relationship... stuff like that.
And 'this' idiot basicaly : )
I get frustrated thinking about it now, I'm frustrated and agitated writing this now, just so long as I never have to see her or deal with her again, it's seven years ago and it still winds me up and she still pops up from time to time and ruins my day (more than a day actualy as it makes me feel all depressed for a while)
The whole presumption of men! isn't going to go away just yet as it's ingrained in society that men are the physicaly dominant ones even if that isn't my experience with two x girlfriends and one mum.
But hello anway Liquid-Xi : ) we just have to make it our mission to change the world one person at a time and not let it get us down that people don't understand : )
Hey Bubblegum
I'm glad that you were able to get away safely from your situation.
I can understand how people get trapped in to staying with abusive partners, whether that's mental/physical or both. You love somebody, you'll stick with that person though all sorts of crap until eventually there's a tipping point.
I'm sorry to say that i have to see my ex on a somewhat regular basis and it does make me depressed for a few days and then she'll message the kids and say something nasty about me, the kids get upset and off we go again. I wish they didn't have to see her, the way she is carrying on though, it won't be long before my son has had enough, he's already blocked her from his facebook and takes days to return a text. I'll never stop the kids seeing her but if that's what they choose to do, that's fine by me.
Be cool Bublegum ;-)
Hi Liquid-Xi, I have now rectified the resources, again I am sorry for the oversight, I like to think I am very conscientious about these things as I am all too aware that men experience abuse and it is very hidden in our society currently.
Seeing your ex on a regular basis means that it must takes longer to recover and rebuild your life, but I hope that you are taking each day and each incident as it comes and managing to separate your life from hers?
Hi Bubs, long time no see, great to see you! Where have you been hiding? Happy New Year! I just want to say in response to your post, you stayed with your partner because you loved her and you wanted to help her through her difficult times.
You are mentally strong, I think any person who has suffered and survived at the hands and/or headgames of another has amazing resilience and shows huge inner strength that other people just do not have.
Hi Anna : )
My nephews bought me Skyrim (it's a computer game) a bit before christmas and I've been playing that a lot... too much probably.
And just incase you thought! I wasn't sugesting that there was no understanding here at One Space : ) I have nothing but possative things to say about here, apprt from the fact that I still can't uses spell checker here in the text inserting box thing-a-me.
Liquid-X!
It's all sorted legaly for me now. I got full residency a few years back and we went though a couple of years of sporadic supervised contact, but we've not seen her now for over three years. She did appeared at school a few weeks ago (I was intersepted at the gate by a member of staff so I didn't cross her path) but the headmaster dealt with it very well, put the kids into the hall and told staff to keep them there till I arrived, locked the inner door into the school and told my X he couldn't deal with her in relation to the kids untill he got a letter from solicitors to clarify the situation.
I gave him a copy of the court order which clarifies the situation clearly, no unsupervised contact!
Later
: )
Hi bubblegum, I have heard about Skyrim, glad that you have been keeping busy!!
Don't worry, I am still on the case about spellchecker, hopefully it will reappear all in good time, although your spelling looks fine to me!
The school handled that brilliantly bubblegum, I hope it didn't rock you and the children too much. I hope they are well and had a great Christmas too, are you letting them play your game? It all looks very ugly to me 
My son harped on and on about Skyrim for christmas... and so I got it for him.
He's almost as addicted as me : )
In fact he knows more about it than me and often watches over my sholder muttering away like one of those anoying people when watching a film, giving advice and generaly telling me what is going to happen and what to do.
Despite me telling him not to!
And! we had a nice christmas (my favourite art school lecturer always used to say.. NICE! nice is a non descript word, don't use it) but anyway, it was 'nice' we stayed at my sisters she did all the cooking and washing up and we all ate nice italian (it's her latest thing) based christmas dinner... and I drank wine and then went home (to play Skyrim)
So yeah... it was good : )
In fact life is pretty swell at the moment, appart from the Job Center Plus™ sending me on bizarre and pointless courses, like a whole day where they explained to me the obvious and then gave me a certificate... in 'the obvoious'.
Now I know how to lift a box! (unfortunatly! now should I strain myself doing so I will no longer be able to seek compansation as I've been on a course and I should have known how to do it)
P.S. Sorry Liquid-X for hijacking your thread with my life : )
Right, so if we need any boxes lifting, we know where to come.....
Glad all is well with you and the children and in particualr it is is good to know that the head at the school is on the ball.
I have had a look at Skyrim now 
Yes I'm qualified in the art of box lifting which is apparently... 'another string in my bow' hopefully it will also impress the ladies at parties.
Also Louise in another one of my string adding courses I was taught punctuation and am now compeled to point out to you that when you put a seriese of '...' (it is called an Ellipsis) at the end of a sentence there should only be three, you put five! How can you expect any prospective employers to employ you if you put five when there should only be three, I may now have to sanction you, I shall descuss it with my line manager and get back to you.
And! Don't look at Skyrim, as inocent as it looks it only takes three looks and you're addicted, it may be all fun and games in the begining but later it will take over your life and you will become a mere shadow of your former self unable to do anything but play Skyrim, your children won't get fed, nothing will get done aound the house and you will start to smell a bit.
: )
And now I'm off to do just one more level.
(rushes in with box-not lifted by Bubblegum-and quickly packs away all spare and disallowed ellipses, then wonders if that is indeed the plural of ellipsis, and decides to quit whilst no-one has noticed!) 
I always wonder that, when a noun has an 's' on the end already, how do you make it plural? It kept me awake at night as a young boy when searching through the dictionary for clever rude words.
Wouldn't it be ellipsi?
Bubblegum, your Christmas sounds really 'nice', no lovely. Around family and good food and when you wanted nothing more, you could go home and play Skyrim!!
Hi
I am new to this but I am totally unsure as to how calculations are made re my 12 year old son's care which I share with my ex on 50/50 basis. She is the higher earner by far although she resents that I earn less and don't work permanently or on a full time basis. I have a good pension from my employer of around £21K pa and she my ex earns £56K pa. We were sharing the marital home until this week when I moved into a 2 bedroomed rented flat. We continue to share bank accounts although I believe my ex P wants this sorted as soon as possible. I received a lump sum last year also from my ex local authority employer and paid off the mortgage. My rent is £450 per month. P is probably correct in that costing for energy in the marital home will likely be more expensive than my flat, although I will likely buy accommodation after the dust settles and our independent finances are separate. To confuse matters our daughter is in university, and son is in college and both will require financial support and both are of course over 18 years of age.
Thanks
Hi Drevaig, you are vert welcome to One Space!
Have a look at this page. The Child Maintenance Options service (part of the CSA) will help you to sort out a private agreement
Hi Liquid_Xi
I am totally with you on this one and will forward this feedback to the Manager of One Space. We are still in the process of making the final tweaks to this new tool (it has only been on the site a few days) so I am glad you have raised this.
90% of people suffering domestic abuse are women but that still means that 10% are men.
There is support for men who have been abused at Men's Advice Line, just for the record. I will see if we can also have a link to this or another site in the Life Check section.