Hi
I am Male just in case i am breaking any rules.
My partner and children where removed from me by the social services 4 weeks ago over some alegastions made aganist me and i have still to date not been told what they are.
I have seen my children and partner nearly every day to date and one of the boys stayed over for 4 nights.
Now i learnt that she was to go on a Freedom course but she has just said she is training to take them and it is because of me googling the course i came across this site and the freedom site.
The issue is i can relate to some of the trates and some of the trates also appy to my partner also as she is the violent one when she has had a drink she has hit me and punched me in past past and shout abuse at me and stopped me from getting to sleep as i work early hours and go to bed early, but she claims it is all me who is controling etc but she has told me not to give her the cards as she will only go and buy beer with them i was also told by her CPN years ago just to give her an allowance for beer and cigs.
What i would like to know is how do i get the free book that is on offer as i would like to read it and try and sort this mess out so we can be a family againand improve myself.
Thank you sasha21
She says she is planning to move back home but how true that is i do not know.
yes we are seeing each other behind backs the ss seen both of us out walking the dogs the other day and since then my oh has had to sign a form stating no contact etc with me and the children cannot see or speak to me either and that is very hard for all as our little girl is my "rock" as i was ill a few years ago and she got me through everything.
My OH has said that she is training to be counciler on the freedom course and not as a pupil. but that does not worry me i would be please if it was as a counciler or getting some help either dont matter
I am very ashamed that i can identify some of the trates listed in the web site with myself.
I have am very happy to of found this web site and the freedom site as without them i would not of realised what i was doing.
If you wish i will post our full story but it is long.
Thank you
I have just phoned her to tell her what you said about the course and what it is for and she Blasted me saying "how i never believe her and i am questioning her on what she is doing!"
All i wanted to do is tell her whats been said but all she does is shout at me i have had enough i want my little girl back
The Freedom Programme is for people who are moving forward from what is deemed to be an sbusive relationship.
I have just phoned her to tell her what you said about the course and what it is for and she Blasted me saying "how i never believe her and i am questioning her on what she is doing!"
All i wanted to do is tell her whats been said but all she does is shout at me i have had enough i want my little girl back
Hello again sasha
I cannot solve this for you, sadly. I have given you the facts about this course.
I really would recommend that you did not meet up if Sociual Sevices are involved and have prohibited it but please look at this website (click to see) if you would like some support with the Social Services aspect.
Thank you very much for that!
In short be nice to the ss
Well you have to show them your full co-operation if they are the ones making decisions, that is the reality. I hope the website I gave you will help.
Hello sasha21
You say that you recognise traits of an abusive partner in yourself there are programmes around the country that men can attend to help them with these traits, if you click this link and have a look if this is something that you would be interested in
There are also services that support men that have been in abusive relationships here is a website for a support service for male victims of domestic abuse.
Sorry i just lost it with them when they practicaly called me the biggest bast%^$ and scum to walk the earth in the end i put the phone down on her.
Now my Oh understands why when the ss seen us both together walking the dogs said to OH she has serious concerns for her safety while she is with me!!!
Hence this letter the OH had to sign, I can promise all of you on here i never in my life laid a finger on a woman yes i can reconise some of the taits on the other web site and now working on that BUT there is also traits the my OH has that are on the site in fact i would say it is 50 / 50 but someone has told the ss some thing else i we think we know who, our 13 year old and my oh is going to find out.
any way i have now got a solictor and willing to remortgauge and sell the caravan and car to sue the ss! I made a promise to our little girl yesterday that She will be back home soon with all the boys too and the animals and we all will be a family again and that is one promise i will keep!
Even the oh is steaming and now understands on how i feel.
If any one would like our full story just ask!
Thank you for the links and your time
Hi sasha21
I think you need to tread really carefully at the moment, I can see that you are furious about what is going on, however from the sound of it you both could do with some support to provide a healthy family environment for your daughter and your other children.
It is difficult when you recognise attitudes and behaviours that are abusive, within ourselves. However by recognising them is the first step to changing them. I hope that you use the links that Sally gave you.
From your messages I feel that your OH does not feel particularly stable at the moment and can be calm yet also shout at you down the phone.
Are the social services able to offer you any counselling? Either one on one or family counselling. They have a job to do, it may seem like they are interferring, but they want the best for you, your children and your family as a whole.
Why has every web site i go on got a cover your tracks button or is there people out there like what the ss are making me out to be?
I did see casulty on Saturday and that scared me if i was like that i would understand but i WAS one of these that is never wrong untill last night and R couldnt believe what i said i also control the money because i have been told to do so in the past by her self and her CPN other wise she would go out and buy beer with the money.
There has been times when we needed milk etc and R would go to the shop and get beer but no milk there is a bigger one but not willing to post on a public domain i will email if you wish but Rseems to of stopped saying it now.
I could go through the list of traits saying thats me not me thats R not R etc
Anyway rant over again Thank you
Why has every web site i go on got a cover your tracks button or is there people out there like what the ss are making me out to be?
I did see casulty on Saturday and that scared me if i was like that i would understand but i WAS one of these that is never wrong untill last night and R couldnt believe what i said i also control the money because i have been told to do so in the past by her self and her CPN other wise she would go out and buy beer with the money.
There has been times when we needed milk etc and R would go to the shop and get beer but no milk there is a bigger one but not willing to post on a public domain i will email if you wish but R seems to of stopped saying it now.
I could go through the list of traits saying thats me not me thats R not R etc
Anyway rant over again Thank you
Are the social services able to offer you any counselling? Either one on one or family counselling. They have a job to do, it may seem like they are interferring, but they want the best for you, your children and your family as a whole.
They are giving R and the boys and DD help but not me i have suggested relate to them and i have now lft a message for the ss to call me back so i can suggest family counselling to them and yes i have had a quick look at the site Sally linked me to the respect site and i will follow it up i promise.
R says she is doing a training course to teach the freedom programme to others so she can work with children from DA backgrounds and make it her career if this is true them i can cut my hours right down and have a family life because at the moment i start work at 2am ish and go to bed at 7 pm . now R is always saying she wants the old me back in the days when i worked normal hours like 6am - 4 pm this i reckon is another reason for why we all are like we are no normal family life and hardly any bonding.
Two years ago i was off work for a year with stress etc and we said then that R would get a full time job and i would stay at home but that never came about and it was our little girl that got me through even my counciler said that DD is my rock! and now the ss have done this I will never forgive them for this and will sue them.
Thanks again NL
Can we not put real photos on here as our avatar
the respect site looks like it is for victims of voilence i just get hit on the odd time or pushed when Rhas had a drink and i have wound her up or something but she is getting better.
Last time anything happened was about two months ago and she pushed me into the cupboards it has been two years i think since she last punched me and that was when she use DD as a weapon against me
Thanks NL
Hello sasha21
Abuse is abuse and it does not matter how many times or how frequently episodes happen it's still abusive behaviour and that is why people will be classed as victims or survivors in somecases.
It is also normal for people that are in abusive relationships to rationalise and minimise their partners behaviour and even blame themselves for what happened.
There are track buttons to help protect women/men that are getting support or attempting to leave a domestic abuse situation, you can be more at risk when leaving a relationship than at any other time.
I also have to repeat what Anna has said and suggest that you try to get some support for yourself, as you have mentioned that your partner and the children are already getting some help.
Hi i have just e mailed respect to see what help there is for me in my area:)
I am thinking of posting my story later then people know what is happening and you never know how to sort out this mess.
All i can think about is that social worker and her attiude towards me she must hate men or out to prove something.
Never mind i have got the solicitors this afternoon more money.
Thank you NL
Hi i have just spoken to R and the reason she pushed me into the cupboards a few months ago is because i was throwing out some teddies of one of the boys because i thought he had brought them back in from the garage and i would not listen to what anyone was saying.
I get into such a bad mood that i dont listen to what anyone is saying and get like a mind block and cant remember what i am doing.
It seems like i am allways getting the blame for everything and never listen yet it is ok for her to shout and swear at me but not for me to do it ( i do try and keep calm and speak softly now)
I am always making excuses.
Apparently i hit her and call her when i am asleep but i dont remember anything.
R does some time in a pet shop and has a bad habbit of bringing animals home She brought some birds home and hid them in the shed then they turned up one day with the other bird we have and one of ours sons said "dad didnt know about them" yet R claims to of told me about them and i am certain she didnt!
You see we have two dogs, three cats, three hamsters two land snails, one chicken now and several birds! we did have a snake and a chincilla which she said where presents for the boys! she always used the children as an excuss for getting animals. R says she always asked but she didnt because she would know the answer would be NO! and once they were home our little girl would take to them and that would be that.
Whilst we were talking you could hear the anger in her voice, i realise i have problems now but she will not reconise that she also has anger problems and she says since they moved out the children and her have been talking a lot more but she is buying them toys and things we would never buy in the past. EG: S wanted a talking dog for christmas along with every thing else we bought her but R said no she has enough but what happens S has the dog the boys get video games etc and boast how much money she has to the children.
Now i suggested putting the spare car on the road so she can have car and save on buss fares and save S walking but her cousin ( a woman) who is mad over what R has done says no to the idea let her walk she made this mess let her lie it.
dont get me wrong i do have problems and trying to sort them but our children and R never went without, R shouted at me when i took S age 3.5 to get Clarks shoes saying why you buying her them she will be out of them in no time! My answer SO!
advice and help and shout at me if you want
Thank you NL
Hi sasha21, I have just been looking at the Respect website and they have a freefone number:
0808 8024040, perhaps you could give them a call and tell them where you are at and see what support they can offer you. The page Sally linked to runs programmes for perpetrators (people who use violence of abuse to get their own way). As you are recognising that perhaps you have been controlling, this would be a good place to start?
I am afraid that we do not allow photos for avatars, due to the personal nature of many of the posts and we want to keep the forums confidential - you may have noticed that I have deleted the names of your partner and your daughter and replaced them with their initials.
You say that you have sons, how are they? What do they think of your behaviour? What do they think of their mums? You say that R is able to talk to the children, this can only be a good thing that they can bond and share their feelings, but I hope that you hear back from SS regarding family counselling.
As Sally says pushing, shoving, punching is all abuse, regardless of the reasons. Do contact the Mens Advice Line too and chat with them.
It sounds as though you and your ex find it difficult to communicate effectively, perhaps this is something that you can work on. Listen, wait until the other person has finished speaking, don't point the finger and blame, just talk about how things make 'you' feel.
Would you consider going to your doctor and asking for some counselling?
Hi
R is not my ex she still kisses me and hugs me SHE even Gave me a kiss instead of me asking..
She wants to move back but i have to change
the boys are listening to R because she is giving them things and from what i can work out one hates me but nothing new there he hates everyone untill he gets his own way and Mum gives in for an easy life there was a time when the boys all had jobs to do but mum would not stick to it because and i quote "it is easier if i do it" if i say i will do the jobs she turns round and says no you have been working all and and it is the boys jobs.
The boys are perfect whilst at the hostile according to mum but when i phone up you can sometimes heard all the arguing etc.
we do talk but i often ""but in"" or dont listen properly.
don't point the finger and blame i will have to remember that one.
R is going against what the SS have asked of her and we are seeing each other every day and talking on the phone every day too and i seen S on sunday too along with one of the boys :)
Yes i would and have already been but i will be dragging R with me next time so the doc listens a bit more.
I do have an anger managerment leaflet that i can identify some things in but i dont get angry anymore it is more R and the boys certainly the eldest.
You see R says since my illness two years ago and an incedent when the eldest head butted me by accident ( I was holding his arms whilst R got his phone off him as a consequence i caught his bad elbow Hence the head butt) i have backed off so the eldest has tried to take over but i do not get all the backing and support of R when handing out consequence's yet she has done tons of parenting course's she just gives up when things get tough so i am made out to be the bad one.
Thanks NL
Hi everyone i am going to phone the help line today.
sent the R a text telling her that i am avictim also and the reply was " so you are the victim in all this get real"
i thinks she miss understood what i wrote.
I ask her if she wanted the car and she said yes but other people say i am stupid giving her the car. But this will show that she is NOT hard done by as she claims and i dont want my little girl having to walk about 5 mile a say plus trams to get to school. Let her explain the car to the SS too.
woke up crying this morning phoned in work and told them i am not going in was going to do something stupid... Also my brother has left me a note not to phone or contact R today and see what time does.
All i want is everyone back home and i think asking her everyday is not helping and i know she is missing the animals and the kisses are sometimes getting warmer i think BUT I have too CHANGE and i am not sure how anymore or at the minute just fed up and upset
anyway thank you for all your help and advice and a wonderful web site you are all great!
Hi sasha 21
How did you get on at the solicitor yesterday?
He said we can either send a letter to the SS solicitor telling them to put up or shut up or wait untill next week or so to see what the out come of the core assement is and the result of the Child in need meeting that i was not invited to because i am such a threat i can not be in the same room as my OH R.
Funny how we see each other practicaly every day, that SS hates me!!!
and i am meeting her and her boss next week because i complained to the director of social services last week.
Thanks NL
roll on 10 am when the help line opens :)
Hi sasha21, I think that it is interesting that your brother suggested that you don't contact R today and see how that plays out.
I think that you are both hurting, but you also have a lot of work to do, together and separately.
How was the conversation with the helpline?
still trying to get through was hanging on this morning but got cut off when answered.
It was scary holding on and waiting i did bottle out a few times, i have let R t6ake the main family car aganist everyones advice but my soory our little girl comes first.
Thanks NL
had a nice chat with the help line and ran through my traits i did not think i was that bad still trying to get through to some course that is ran for people like me it is always engaged but i will not give up!!!!!!
Spoke to R about the course and told her the lengh of it etc and she said you cant do it when are you supposed to sleep, i just said my family is more important than work.
I have also got my pat craven books so i can carry on with the course on this web site too :)
That is all sounding very positive sasha21, well done to you.
What did you think about your brother's suggestion of no contact?
Going to try thyat today because she came for the car and was nice all day but some one reported her to the hostile on tuesday for drinking and guess who got the blame.
Now she is say if i want to see the children i have to see the solicitor but she was drinhkiong last night when she texted me that.
I was told by several people to go and retrive the car so she cannot drive the children to school whilst she still has alcohol in her.
I contacted the police to meet me there so i cannot be accused of anything got bored of waiting for them to arrange a meeting so i went to bed BUT i DO have a log number.
Thanks NL
Hi sasha21, do you have a social worker? Have you rung the Family Rights Group advice line?
The sw hates me and would have me hung if she could, she refuses to listen to anyone But R and then she dominates hers and tell R what to do.
I will call them now i was in the middle of reading the dominator book the people in the book want a bullet through their head for what they do, prison is too good for them.
Just spoke to another help line Bridging to Change to see about their course.
Thanks NL
Stopped reading the book for now it is scaring the hell out of me some of the stuff in the book definatly relates to R and how she treats me but she does not admit it, and trying not to contact R is getting harder by the hour would lov to talk to her about the book etc but i wil not contact her or try not to.
time to walk the dog i thinks
Hi sasha21, I think it is a really good idea to not contact her and taking the dog for a walk is an excellent idea, get some fresh air and keep up a good pace so that you get that serotonin flowing! (happy hormones)
Reading the book can be scary, but it is also empowering, if it is making you aware of tactics that have been used against you. Anything you do learn, perhaps keep close to your chest. I have delivered the programme and know that when survivors mention their habits to their partners, it is usually met by denial and often blame. This is not healthy.
How long have you and she been together?
R has mention the habits i was doing to me and i agreed but she is not agreeing with what she does to me well not all of them.
We have been together 25 years.
Just watch doctors on TV and what the woman did with her shouting is what R does with me sometimes.
In the book it mentions walking on eggshell's and that is a term R use's say that everyone is walking on egg shells when i am about but i dont understand why, apparently i tell the boys to do something and not ask them but R does the same.
I think we are as bad as each other but she wont admit it and it is all me to blame, i hope R doing this course in the classroom will make her think about her own actions but i am not holding my breath.
Like all the other course's she has done dose it by the book for a few days then gives up and everything goes back to normal and if i discpline the boys i am the baddy EG i will take the game stn off them or block facebook all by the instrution of R then she will undermine me and give them back later on or will tell them to see me then i get the grieve.
Hi sasha21
I agree with what Anna has said about telling R about herself, from what you say it is pretty obvious that she sees things differently to you. It can be frustrating when we are willing to look at ourselves and make changes and our partners don't see that same need.
We can't change other people we can only change ourselves, and from what you have mentioned previously about R it sounds like she has other issues that are a priority for her. It could be that this time apart, though difficult for you could be good for your relationship.
How is the not making contact coming along?
How is the not making contact coming along?
Very hard spoke to R this morning not much said just told her about how the animals are doing especially Horatio one of the dogs she was in the middle of training him.
she is still in a mood because she think i reported her for drinking in the hostile,
I am realy missing my little girl "S" and she knows how much this will hurt me.
Shouls i listen to everyone and take the car back and let her walk/bus everywhere or let her keep it for now
? i understand it will be hard for the children but ???
she says they are more settled now but they would if they are getting their own way and having things bought them to keep them quite.
Why cant i get access to my online freedom course?
Hi sasha21
I am sorry you have not been able to access the Freedom Programme we are currently experiencing some techncial difficulties, our IT team are on to it and hope to have it back up and running as soon as possible.
From what you have intimated R has a problem with drink, is she likely to drive if she has had a drink, as this can put the children and others in danger? I don't know the whole story so can only go on the information that you have given, i feel that this maybe why people were against you letting her have the car.
R is an alcoholic and has DD in the past but everyone is concerned that she will be over the limit in the mornings when the children are in the car, in the past i could monitor her alcohol but on her own she will drink for fun at least 8 cans a night no problem she drinks it like water but them numptys at SS dont understand and believe what R tells them + the children will cover up for her like i do.
People are against me giving her the car and i quote from her cousin "Let her walk it is not snowing and it will make it hard for her and show her what she is missing and the kids will soon start wanting to go home"
In other words she made her bed let her lie in it this is the feeling i am getting from everyone and when they find out which car it is she has got well i put my tin hat on!!!.
R knows that i am too soft to let her walk and will do anything to get her back.
Quick history
'95 first son born RH either before or after he was born R had an affair BUT RH is MINE!! The affair ended and we got sorted and then son no. 2 SA was born in '96 everything fine, '98 son number 3 was born not planed then in '99 she started drinking and accussing of seeing other girls, IHAVE NEVER TOUCHED anyone else.
2000 drinking and hitting me sometimes one night she wanted the car keys and i wouldnt give them to her so she got the other cars keys and as i tried to stop her she stabed me with the key and ramed the other car out of the way. she has held a knife to my chest but mostly punches and slaps. 2002 i changed jobs mega higher pay but stupid start times the abuse carryed on acussing me of seeing people i even got another driver on a truck stop once to tell her where i was and who i was with.
She says i stopped all her friends from coming round to the house but i have just asked someone who knows us both very well and she says i never stopped anyone from coming round. ( this has made me a bit happier not that R would believe it though)
2003 we move in to my late parents house R still drinking but goes to AA things get better.
2005 her CPN moves her out dont know why as we were planning a holiday to were she loved to go, we get on well then 2006 she goes all funny but still drinking very heavy and messing with other men then she is pregnant so i ask her to move back home.
Late '06 S is born i missed the birth by 10 minutes!
still drinking and puching me when i annoy her but back home '08 she tries to move out again dont know why i cant remember but it is always the same time of year.
2010 same stuff and moves out for about a month but comes back still drinking etc.
I am sat here thinking what i have done and all i can think of is tell her what to wear some times R has tons of nice clothes she has bought but sometimes when we are going out shopping or something she will put old clothes on that are faded and scruffy whilst the rest of us are looking nice and i tell the boys to put jeans on instead of tracky bottoms.
yes i do control the money because R will go to the shop and buy beer instead of milk or bread and i have been told not to give her money
She has a part time job of sort at this pet shop and is allways bring animals home knowing full well what i would say. she is spending more time at this shop and not looking after her own animals she has even forgot to pick up S from nusrey a few times because of this shop and it is always causing arguements between us i have even acussed her of messing around a good few times the last two years due to this shop she thinks more of the shop[ than anything else io would not mind so much if she got paid but it is just to get her out of the house in the day which is fine but she negelects every thing else.
Yes i am NOT perfect but comming home to a clean house would be nice she says i am controling and shout and push her out of the way sometimes maybe i do i am not sure i know i dont shout anymore.
The boys are always fighting and if i tell them off i am doing wrong the past few months things have got worse in the house but i dont understand why maybe it is me but i cant think what it is.
all i know is R has turned the children against me and she knows how to hurt me and what buttons to push. I have been told to get tough. all i know is i want them all back.
Hi sasha
There are lots of complicated corcumstances surrounding what has happened to you and it seems that you are not being listened to and assumptions have been made. None of us is perfect and I would encourage you to get the support of the abused men's service as I imagine that this is something they have come across a lot: men who have suffered abuse being accused by the woman, and the authorities not always getting to the bottom of it.
thanks
Hi sasha21, how are you doing? I have just read this article today in the news and it made me think of you, have a look and let me know what you think?
Hi i have just been to meet the SS and explained my concerns over the way i have been treated and they gave me a copy of the core assessment
Well i would off had myself locked up going off what was said in that about me i was up all last night writing down all the lies and e mailed it back to them including all the details of when R has been to the house aganist the SS wishes. I also appoligised for my attitude at the meeting too. ( that is head line news me saying sorry )
Now there is going to be a child protection conference convened due to me telling them about R coming to the house.
I was also told to seek legal advice on getting access to see my children in a contact centre and I told them to I will not pay to see my children and there is NO chance I will see them in a contact centre, go and cookoo more chance of platting fog than see my children in a contact centre.
I read them the riot act yesterday at the meeting the SW's boss looked like she was just out of nappies.
I was on cloud nine
Thanks NL
Hi sasha21
I know it's really frustrating and that you want to see your children, but sometimes you have to play ball and show willing to go along with what the social workers or legal advisors suggests. Have you managed to talk to anyone from the links i gave you?
I think i spoke to some one on the advice line i cant remember, if the solicitor tells me to go to a contact centre i will but i am not having a girl just out of school who does not know one end of a baby from the other telling me what to do.
Oh the best bit is i am taking our little girl to scotland for the day tomorrow the ss will have a fit.
Ps it is an 400 mile round trip.
I cant wait for R to explain to the SS why if i am such a danger to every one she is letting me take S to scotland. :)
NL
I spoke to a place that does a bridging to change and they want £50 a session and there is 40 sessions. yeh right i keep with the freedom prog.
I just keep playing the Nina Simone song " feeling good" i can recomend it to everyone on here!
Please listen to it
Hello sasha21
This site is for both men and women who are parenting alone although the majority of our support is for the person who has the main day to day care of the children (and that is who the books are for), so I hope that clears up any confusion.
Are you thinking that it is your wife who has made these allegations? It seems strange that Social Services would facilitate a split between you without making stipulations to her about not seeing you....do you see what I mean? if they have concerns (whether founded or unfounded) that have persuaded them to take this action then why are the two of you still seeing each other ? (unless she is doing so contrary to SS stipulations)
The Freedom Programme is for people who are moving forward from what is deemed to be an sbusive relationship. I do not know what you have been "accused of" yourself but it sounds as if you are saying that some of your wife's actions in the past have been questionable in your opinion and you are wondering what is going on.
The book will be given to your wife and it is for participants on that particular programme. There is also a Home Study Programme offered by the same author, click here to see it. it costs £9 but you need the book as well, see here and you could do this yourself. Have a look here, where the author explains about courses for men.
Hope this helps!