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Hi there - my dh left on Saturday. I feel devastated but was unhappy before he left and so was he. We have two children and i am worried and confused as i don't know if i want to try and get him back and i am certainly not sure that he wants to try. He told the kids last night that we were splitting up so it sounds final to me. He is finding it hard to talk and i know i need to give him time but how do you function in the meantime. i am supposed to be at work and although they are very supportive i have already had a week off when things blew up the first time.
I feel things are in such a mess - do i just leave things alone for now?
Hi Louise - my dh texted tonight to ask to see the girls on Friday - I ended up speaking to him on the phone but unfortunately we ended up talking about things which i hadn't meant to talk about. I mentioned counselling but he said " no - we should have done that years ago" and he sounded pretty sure that there was no hope for us. I ended up breaking down on the phone and so did he but he said that he he was trying to face up to living alone and then i said "why does it have to be like that" he said he couldn't talk anymore and hung up. I am so annoyed with myself for doing all that - when he texted about seeing the kids i should have just texted yes.
i am not eating much or sleeping - i have been to the doctors when all this started but i declined anti-depressants and am taking st johns wort but now things have changed i need to go back to the doctors i think.
i am so sad tonight as i think i now have my answer - i was hanging on to threads of us but now i know there isn't any hope left
Unfortunately we have to see each other alot this week as my eldest has an event we both need to go to and then both my girls have two things on later in the week on separate days that we also both need to go to - i am not missing it for the world but it will be so hard.
Thanks for listening
hi i think your best bet is to sort about you both have a schedule and a routine with the children without courts involvement if possible, after a while you could speak about what was wrong in the relationship and if both parties want to try again then great, but keep to the routine no moving back in straight away take you time!
hope it works out
Hello again littleredhen,
You say you shouldn't have spoken to him and should have just texted but this was a conversation you needed to have, sad though it was. Maybe from now on you could text the arrangements for the girls.
Yes, do go back to the doctor, you may need anti depressants but also you could have a few sessions of counselling to get things off your chest and look at the way forward.
What/who have you got round you in the way of support? it ios good to talk and to lean on others for a while if you can
welcome littlered hen this site is really helpful and you we get loads of support here .
have you been to cab? there they will help you with money etc
what you have to do and its hard is look for yourself and your kids , do go to the doc even see if there is any counselling you could try for yourself . this is going to take time and the best is to do little steps at a time.
mine is 6months down the line and i still have bad days . but dont get angry or feel bad if you want to cry ,shout ,scream we have all been there at the min you r head will be all over the place but like louise says you will have to get things sorted just in case . but do go to the doc ? how are the kids are they ok ?
have you got family or friends to support you as that is good to talk to them lean on when you need to cry
hang in there deep breaths and take little steps
Hi littleredhen
So sorry to hear you are going through this. Its sounds similar to my situation as my husband gets emotional everytime I see him and I always hang onto that as a sign he wants to come back but I am fast realising that its just that he still cares and feels bad, not that he has changed his mind.
As hard as it is you need to keep busy and take your mind off of this mess. Work may be hard but at least it will occupy your mind a bit, even if ony for a few minutes at a time. I am trying to concentrate on my daughter as a distraction. I also feel that if they leave, no matter how attentive to the kids they are, its us mums who need to keep going and carry on as normal as possible.
Try to look forward without him in your life and even though it maybe miles off, try to focus on what lies ahead for you. In time you will get over this and meet someone else who will love you and make you happy. I am confident that there are some great men out there even though it doesnt seem like it! First of all, you (and I) need to concentrate on ourselves a bit and get off this and be happy without anyone for a while.
Dont beat yourself up about breaking down on the phone. You are only human and this is not what you want so you are bound to get upset. I try very hard to keep it civil even though all I want to do is shake my husband and scream at him. In the end it will be him who regrets this and looses out of a lovely family life with you and your kids.
Keep strong. The wonderful people on this page will keep you sane when all else fails.
lots of love to you x
Thank you everyone - i do have counselling booked for tomorrow - i have a few friends for support but talking about it doesn't seem to help! I am back to not eating or sleeping since last nights conversation
I guess the reason i was saying i shouldn't have talked to him was that i wanted to give him space to see if he realised that there was maybe a way forward but i feel like i keep backing him into a corner. Deep down i know that if he left and also told the kids then it really is over for him.
Trying to tell myself that today and once i get my head round it then i will work out what i do next
Thank you everyone - i do have counselling booked for tomorrow - i have a few friends for support but talking about it doesn't seem to help! I am back to not eating or sleeping since last nights conversation
I guess the reason i was saying i shouldn't have talked to him was that i wanted to give him space to see if he realised that there was maybe a way forward but i feel like i keep backing him into a corner. Deep down i know that if he left and also told the kids then it really is over for him.
Trying to tell myself that today and once i get my head round it then i will work out what i do next
Hi lostsoul - sending you a hug - its really hard
Hi everyone, welcome to One Space from me! This is such a hard time, the initial stages of breaking up. Hopefully by supporting each other, you can hear your own supportive words to others and take heed.
lostsoul, you mention that you want him to come and remove his stuff. I think that a very therapeutic process is to do some clearing yourself. How would you feel about that? A month is a long time to be living with all his stuff, when you need to be making your home your own.
Time is a great heale, but also working on yourself. You mention that things weren't great before you split up. I know it is hard, but perhaps you can spend a bit of time thinking about what you were feeling during those difficult days. Single parenthood can be stressful, lonely and hard work, HOWEVER it can also be great fun, rewarding and liberating.
How old are your children?
Good point made by abitost - concentrate on ourselves a bit and get off this and be happy without anyone for a while. Learn new things about yourself, find new interests and ways of making yourself happy. If it is ignoring the washing up and lounging in the bath for an hour then eating chocolate whilst watching rubbish telly, then do it!
When you have just split up, shower yourself with love, buy a new duvet cover, treat yourself to some fresh flowers and be gently to yourself. You have been hurt and you need some TLC. Have a read of our article How to recover from broken heart, for more steps to take.
I have started gathering some of his stuff togther. I only like to do it when my son is out - he is 11. Although he understands what is going on (I have been completely honest with him) I don't think he needs to see the final exit. It could be very painful for me and I try to keep my emotions away from him.
Hi lostsoul, thats great that you have made a start and I understand you wanting to deal with it, whilst your son is out of the house.
Is your ex going to play an active role in your sons life? Are they close? I think your son will be finding it just as painful as you are. You say that you try and keep your emotions away from him and I understand that, he doesn't need or want to see you blubbing over your mug of tea, however, I don't think you need to completely cover up either. He will learn the reality of heartbreak and maybe wants to share it with you and support you too?
My son and ex are not close at all. They used to be but over the last year they have drifted apart, not doing father and son things together. My son says he is not interested in seeing his Dad, but I have told him that his Dad loves him and wants to see him regularly, maybe just for a short time to begin with.
My son has seen the odd tear, and I have told him sometimes that mum needs to on her own for a short while. He does understand I am upset, but seeing me like that seems to put him more against his father.
Your son is probably quite angry with his father, however their relationship is not your responsibility, your ex will have to work on that and we just have to stand by and support our children.
Does your son feel able to comfort you when you are upset? Children like to feel that they can make us better, I mention this because you say that you say to your son that you need time on your own and I wondered if there might be a time when you can open up with him. He might feel a bit lost and alone too.
If you got the chance to share how you are both feeling, it can set a good grounding for the future.
What do you think?
Hello littleredhen and lostsoul....You will get great support here...I am not going to say now that things will get easier and you are strong...because right now it feels like the end of your worlds...It is only 3 months down the line for me, and I am still an emotional mess, but I know the shock has worn off now, and I am still here...I'm still not eating great, but am sleeping better as the anxiety attacks have stopped for now...I rea;lly recommend Paul McKenna's CD's to listen to as they help me fall asleep...
Just keep writing here as it really helps...
Thank you Mich - i think what surprises me is that after 5 days i am actually feeling worse and i thought i would just feel a little better every day
hi littleredhen dont try to think that in just afew days you would feel better it as been 6 months for me and i still have really low days and i think im slipping back . deep breaths and little steps helps . this week for me my sleep as got worse so im lacking energy . i wish there was a wand where we could wave and it would take us past all what we have to go through . least being on here we are all at different stages and we know that there as to be light at some point .
try when you are feeling low to have a nice cuppa and a relax on the sofa or if you can afford it a little something for you. keep posting it is good site to get support from big hugs sent
Hi littleredhen
It does take a while to make sense of a separation, it is in many ways similar to a bereavement, with different stages to go through. The first is shock, which includes a degree of numbeness. As this wears off, the grief can then hit you. As shaz5 says, it is a process that will take months to happen and that is one of the reasons Anna says just concentrate on being good to yourself and supporting your children (cos that is all you need on your plate right now).
Stay with us, I am sure you can tell there is a lot of support here 
I agree...it can even be a matter of years if you have been together a long time too...and some days you seem right back to square one again...two steps forward and five back...but as either Anna or Louise said here...as long as the feelings are fluid it's ok...but the trouble is we can't just turn our feelings off like a tap...that's why it hurts us so much...
It does hurt and it can go on hurting for a long time. So the important thing is to look after ourselves, comfort ourselves and learn to become our own best friend.
Time is a great healer, but loving yourself is the ultimate way forward.
Allow the pain, don't blame yourself, it is all a natural reaction.
Thank you all for your support
Hello litteredhen
How are you doing?
Things must feel very confusing for you right now. You say that you are not sure yet whether you would like to get back together (and of course you can't predict what his own take on this will be, all you can do is deal with your OWN feelings) if he has told the children then it sounds as if he feels pretty sure about it and therefore you need to start thinking in terms of being separated.
There are practical considerations to think about, like housing and money.....I know these things will be worrying to you so I would encoruage you to have a good think about your options, better to get facts and figures and face up to practical things sonner rather than later. Of course, it may never be neccessary to actually DO these things but for myself I always feel that having all the facts will at least help me to feel a bit more in control.
As for your functioning.....how are you sleeping? Are you eating? if not then do see your GP. It sounds as if leaving things as they are is a sensible thing to do for the time being, but do set a time limit on it in your mind otherwise you could feel in limbo for a long time. What do you think would be a reasonable limit? Do you think your husband would go to Relate with you?