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I need help and advice for my 13 year old son. He seems to have problems connecting with all the family. I separated from my husband (his father) about 3 years ago, after a very long controlling relationship. My son visits him about 1 a week for a few hours, where they usually just play computer games.
Really computer games is my sons only interest, and what he spends 99% of his time doing. He is very close to me, and has a few really good friends, but struggles with other relationships. When family visit, he rarely spends time with them (as mainly women). We do not see much of male family members, only really a couple of times a year. When they want a kiss or cuddle (hello or goodbye), he will always run away, and does the same for photos. Its kind of a game to him, but I notice that family are really offended by it and think he is rude. If they try conversation with him, he is not really responsive with only 1/2 word answers. I have made excuses allowances for a few years now, but at 13 I am worried that all relationships are going to become even more distant. He is very well behaved at school and with me.
Im concerned as he also never wants to do anything or go anywhere :(. I just dont know how to handle it. I know it could be a phase, but also his dad does have any relationships with anyone, and never wants to do anything, and I worry that this is my sons future. I have been talking with my daughter, and we think it is hard for my son, and his dad is his only male role model, and that is not too good, and only a few hours a week. What can I do to help him :( Any help appreciated, as I cant talk to family about it, as they dont understand.
Hi, I can see you are worried about him. Is it just the family he is not connecting to ? You are not speaking of friendships, after school activities, youth club, football club etc where they also can interact with adult men. Has he been very isolated, because he loves gaming so much ?
You say that he is very well behaved in school and with you. So he knows how to behave very well with peers and teachers or the school would have said something? It can be just a teenager thing, as teenagers find adults very often awkward and they just like to grunt answers if you let them. (Have you seen Kevin the teenager on utube ?)
My 2 sons are 13 (almost 14) and 11 who never see their father or any of his family, since some years and they can hardly see my family, but have interacted with adult males at Youth Club, Tae Kwondo, football and interacted with fathers of their friends. My eldest just wants to be with friends at the moment, all the time, does not even want to go on holidays or days out unless his friends are invited and my youngest just loves mostly games. They used to be very social but now I hardly see them. I must say that when my friends come over they are still polite and they do behave very well when in other peoples houses, but that is not family...
It really might be just a teenager thing, if you click on "Children" on the page above, there is a lot about teenagers that you can read. Hope this helps
Hello I will survive
Thank you so much for sharing this with us.
Your son is just at the age when he may start to look for role models to look up to. Just to reassure you he is also at the age when kissing and cuddling becomes harder and giving one word answers is the norm. The great thing is that you have such a close relationship with him. I am sure that you make sure that if he also does not want to kiss and cuddle you then you are continuing to tell him how great he is and how much you love him. Some boys get a bit over-cuddly at this age and some non-cuddly but with both it has the same root...they now associate these things with sexual feelings. We as parents need to stay consistent and loving and almost "ignore" that, as that keeps them safe.
As far as male role models go, I am not going to say don't worry about it as it is a real issue for him. Of course it's a good idea to encourage him to get involved in activities where he could meet other boys/young men but it sounds as if you have thought of that and acknowledge that computer games are his only interest and yes, he can play online with others but that is not associating with others. How I suggest you approach this is step by step. He loves and trusts you so what else would he do WITH you? My eldest was similar to your boy and what I did was get him to meet me at the library once a week and we chose some books for him together and talked about them. Now this might not appeal to your boy but would he go out to a cafe with you for a milkshake or coffee? This just gets him used to doing social things in public. Make sure you encourage him to have friends to the house, even if that means some noisy sleepovers and messy rooms. Could you get him interested in watching movies? that would give you an opening to talk about the blokes in films and whether they are what he would like to be. Encourage him to talk about his future plans. Whom does he admire in terms of sports or pop stars? If no-one, watch some TV programmes with him like X Factor etc and ask (and value) his opinion. Sometimes boys don't want to talk much and it's good to invite them to a game of cards or ask him to taste a new recipe you are trying or even ask his advice about a minor problem. All these things will build his confidence and that is the first step.
Are there any ideas here you think you could try?