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Hi My name is Sammie
7 years ago i went back to my first love the last thgree years of my life seems like a dream. I found out I went through physical mental sexual and financial abuse. I refused to mediation with him next . am reported to social services that was december then i get a solicitor they send a letter saying he must take a drugs test Nothing phone in february so many people have told him i am looking well so as i am on the road to recovery get kicked oh this time with a court order accusing me of everything. possible it disgusts me. Cause they have evidence of his abuse But not once am i able to talk to them about it you must look to the futurte Butthen in the next breath i hear he will always have control over you why? he uses his parental responsibilities like a weapon
Dear Louise
Yes to all. Now going for residency order. Because the refuge would not take my fourteen year old son and i decided to keep the family together. He has called social services nine times and its ridiculous now. They wont do a finding fact hearing and i have been cleared in every allegation that he has made and now the courts are re investigating I have had to go for a caf under the children centre just so it protects us as a family unit. Its a nightmare. He still wants control and the courts are giving it him i grew so strong then i am knocked down by him The freedom programme they are trying to get me in to at the moment..... face to face one but ts now 14 mths on since the separation I think its stopped but no he just comes back. He has a new relationship you would have thought he would of backed off but nooooooo
Hello again
You have already come so far, and you should be very proud of yourself. I agree it is not easy and as you have found out, you keep thinking "that's it, finished" and then something else happens. That WILL settle down in time, especially if he sees you being strong and calm (or thinks you are calm, even when you are totally feeling dreadful inside) Good luck with your residency order. How old are your children, I know you mentioned a 14 year old boy, how many children do you have?
I have a five year old girl. She is his and =the 14 year old is his step son. We have come far and I can be proud of it. The day he moved out was the hardest I had to rush my daughter up a&e she was having breathing problems when i told them about the weed he smoked in front of her she was breathing it she was on vetolin I text him and told him we where up the hospital response i dont care so i never bothered him. I think nearly losing her watching her brother scared as well it made me strong enough to say sort it or stay away but that has caused the The strength we show after the intial battle I will hold my head high but trust me its not easy
sammie you are doing a fine job, so please give yourself a big pat on the back.
You are right abusive ex partners do continue to try and find ways of harrassing you after you have split up and by sharing children, this is the obvious route.
As Louise says, you need to try and stay calm and show that you are in control now at all times. I spent many years blaming my ex for all the things that had gone on, and he was to blame, but so was I and as soon as I recognised that it was easier to know that I was not going to let him get the better of me again.
The courts will just have to play out, but keep yourself strong and supported.
It sounds as though you are getting some support from a domestic abuse agency, so hopefully they are giving you the information that you need to help you through this.
How is your son coping with all of this?
The refuge has just got back in contact at the request of our local children centre eldest struggled he was not told he was ddefinitely going but as i said to him I am sorry for what he has been through... His answer mum you couldnt change things. he now wants to be a psychologist .... He said how i was played with he watched and he has been able to help others and be alot more understanding. He is angry still fear of meeting him in the street but as i said hold your head up high do not bow it do not react an show no emotions no matter how painful the situation or memories are. So I think it has not affected him as bad i know it can it could have been alot worse he talks of respect for women and how he will never be the person he was he watched heard and listened
Your son sounds a very wise young man, Sammie. It will take you all a while to recover from everything that has happened and it really is a case of getting through each day in as calm and positive a manner as you can, as you need to rebuild the children's sense of security, which has taken a real battering.
What's the latest news on the face to face Freedom Programme?
Aww Sammie, what a wonderful son you have.
I really hope things can start to move forward, one step at a time...
Thanks everyone The freedom programme she was meant to get back tuesday and didnt so I have started on line. It helps to understand. But as we all know it does take time its just fustrating.
My eldest is lovely and I am so happy we have the relationship to be able to be open and frank. But it has enabled us to talk about tricky situations that teenagers have. So I think if anyone has teenager that has been in this situation just remember they know when you hide things and if anything dont hide anything as my son went searching through the paperwork be open i know books and people say no dont. But it has kept my relationship with my son extremely on a level yes we have bad days....
I agree, I think openness is the key, especially if you are a single parent and living your life so closely with your children, they do see and hear everything and we mustn't forget that.
So do you feel supported at the moment? We the people at the refuge helpful? Are they going to arrange an appointment with you?
The refuge becausei refused to go in without my eldest son they told me because of his age they couldnt help us unless i gave him up. I was not happy as i have been a mother and had fought to keep the kids together and thought it would do more damage than good to my family. I have had to fight for every bit of support but the people who supported me the most is the children centre local to me. They set up a caf not because i am a bad mum but to stop his allegations and to stop him doing what he was. The domestic violence support worker only got back in contact in the last two weeks and that was because they pushed it from the children centre.
My son was certainly old enough to understand and He could tell the text messages coming through. He took my phone away and said Mum dont read it I will take your phone off you if you believe and read what he says. It seems wrong but that is what i would have said to him. But the thing is you want to defend yourself but you become fustrated and it is not a good situation you want to protect your children but they make you lose a part of your sanity. I have ensured My eldest is ok speaking to the school. I advise anyone to be open with the schools they will help when it comes to your ex trying to use the kids and support you do not shut them out cause you do that they will be on you and believe everything coming out of his mouth. It certinly has worked in my case. even to the point my youngest is scared of the police because he made false allegations and he got me arrested in front of the children I have asked the police if they can help get her through this and they are going into see her whole class. The reason I did this is i spoke to her and said if you get lost who would you goto she said a stranger over a police man I think that says it all... But he admitted the allegations where false and he is so spiteful and vindictive he didnt think about the safety or what it would do to my daughter
Hello again sammie,
It is good that the police are going to be giving a talk to your daughter's class. She might also benefit from having a chat with someone like the school nurse. How old is she?
She is five years old. She has seen the school nurse and I have asked the teachers to keep a eye on her at school especially on the weeks she sees her father at the childrens centre for two hours. She gets naughty those weeks. But even though what he has done to me. I have to hold my head up high and know that she has been protected I dont speak about her dad in derogatory terms it is kept away from her she just believes we bully each other there for not putting the emphasis on him. The school nurse I asked to get involved cause of the cough which has been proven to be the weed made her sick she will only eat process foods. So now I am doing a healthy eating course and she has a special group at school for Charlie the chef to help encourage her to eat a variety.......I have sat the temper tantrums course. It has all helped to show the courts... How much I am willing to help the children. I do not see him now my daughter has contact this is due to him trying to control me. He use to tell me "I was so lucky he took on my eldest Cause no other man would" Do you know what He was so lucky to have a step son like my son.
What a great post, sammie. I take my hat off to you for being so willing to go along to these different courses and find out how to deal with all the different things 
You're right, it is a case of holding your head high.
What are you doing over half term?
have you looked on FAMANON website i found it to be very helpful,
it was reading the forums on that website that made me realise that i had to get out of my relationship
hi sammy well my ex takin me court over acess to our little girl who is 20 month old, av bin in emotionaly abusivr relationship, he harassed me last 7 weeks for me to take me bk, so now he takin me court, but he as told cafcass guy i take cocaine regurly and leave kid in house on their own all tym, load rubbish,he is the 1 with long criminal record not me, so now social services gona be involved, but ive nothin to hide, and ex txt saturday how is our daughter and take it im happy goin court instead of bein cival and lettin him see his daughter, unbelievable
Hello again Keira,
The things your ex has done still seem to be going around & around in your head; you're posting an awful lot at the moment.
I don't want you to feel you're not being heard, but the post above this says exactly the same as your posts in the 'hi its on edge' thread.
What do you need just to get some 'head space? Do you think things will be better once Wednesday is over & done?
i think it cos i felt i was replying to sammy, i am allowed to post alot arnt i, didnt think there was a limit, and court is goin over and over in my head understandably,no things wont get better after wed, gona get worse and im dreadin it
I've responded to your last post in your 'hi its on edge' thread, Keira x
threegreatkids No i had never heard of that website with all the information I pass on to my support team at the childrens centre so they can help other people so any information just does not stop at me thank you
Keira I went and got support from the local children centre I had been reported to social services we knew it was coming again so they put my children on a caf. this was to show i was meeting all there needs it helped with the cafcass it meant i did not have to keep explaining myself instead there where people who could see the progress i made and helped and supported me. Even a phonecall while your a court helped. I also went to ocr which is our local womens refuge she supported me with the things that the centre workers didnt understand it proved a help. Keira stay positive we all fall down and feel so lost but i really hope the ideas i have given you will help. I also contacted social services assessment team myself and spoke to them about what h e does and how it was affecting the children. Thats why they never took him seriously nine reports he made over a year.......but each allegation i remained calm Yes I was devastated but with the schools backing and the childrens centre i have come so far and interacted well and made new friends some are in similar situations as me some are two parent families. I am learning to focus on me and my family unit. Not what he does or react to his behavior I hope this helps
Great post, sammie
Thank you Louise
We all feel low and rant and vent but if we as people find out things that can help and support others in there situation. it is best to pass that information on. I passed your site on to my worker at the centre so she can refer other women to you in my situation and because the freedom programme takes so long in this area. It made sense for someone else to get the support i did and you offer Thank you to you all
hi well iav support from wave. and im im middle of doin feedom programme,and im doin one to one thru wave, and av support from lady from sure start,she come court with me, and now court av ordered i do a parent programme, so il do tht, wish i was calm, i get worked up when post comes and fone rings, hate feelin like thisx yes it was gud post sammyx
I use to Keira e but there will be a time when you wont feel like that. I would advise changing your number. But I was extremely paranoid He watched the house it was horrible when they tell you that. He knew my daughter had new dresses it was scary. I live four doors from his work colleagiues gym and use to be afraid to walk out the back gate go out at certain times. But that is no way to live a life. Hopefully we will be moving soon. So I will feel alot calmer But its about facing the abuser and not giving them the power over our lives.They control us and I will not give him the satisfaction of seeing weakness in me anymore. I will talk professionally
with regards to parenting i have done one i found it useful i also did the separating parenting course it helped in some ways. But as always you only take away with you the parts you require and the tools you can use. But you show the courts how important your children are. I did a healthy eating course as well. He had done none of them so there for the court do look down on the people who dont. It was put in the cafcass report as well. Even when i wrote my position statement i put all courses i was doing and the ones that i was booked on for the future what we had plqanned over summer as a family.
We will all get there but its a grieving process emotionally and the hurdles are character building
Nice post sammie
Thanks Anna
Hello sammie
Welcome to the site. I am not quite clear on your situation so I will have to say what I think I have understood and ask a few questions. Is that Ok?
It sounds like you were subjected to a lot of abuse and that your partner was a habitual drug user. Am I right in saying that he is now on a programme to stop the drugs and is therefore feeling better and has now taken a court action against you? Is this so that he can see the children? or is it about something else?
As for him always controlling you, well you CAN move on. Have a look at the online Freedom Programme (click to see)