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I'm new here and not to great with this sort of thing so I'll get straight to the point.
I'm a single mum to a 6 year old boy who is autistic. I have no family support. And my friends all faded the moment my life got tough. My child's father walked out when my son was 14 months as soon as he realised our son wasn't developing like a ''normal" child should. He eventually walked out our life shortly after my son turned 2 and I've not seen or heard from him since. So it's just me and my son. And has been for 4 1/2 years.
I guess I'm here because it is mentally exhausting and a lonely world i live in. I have no one too talk to or vent too. I've tried seeking help from many different charities and organisations only to find the services they offer i don't really qualify. I used to attend a coffee morning 2 years ago. But it was focused towards parents with toddlers and the second there children started nursery people stopped showing up and it was just me. I guess there's only so many coffee mornings a person can sit through alone knowing no ones going to show.
The parents at my son's school judge me from the first day my son started and excluded me making comments about my son's behaviour and my bad parenting. Making it known what they thought of me.
I have just recently moved away from my sister who was my only support network. I had no option with moving. My home old him is being demolished.
My family struggle to accept my son's condition so they stayed away until eventually I stopped getting a response from them all together.
I guess I'm here because I'm sick of doing this by myself and looking to reach out to anyone who'll listen.
hi random how are u, i do understand how u feel, im on my own, i av 4 children,wqell one dawter at uni ao just 3 children with me i am on my own yet again, it is hard im on my own every nyt , use to it tho, not long goot out of emotionaly abusive relationship, so glad of peace instead of drama, must b hard for u hun im ere for u, online ok xx
Hi random-bee
It can be very challenging raising a child with autism. My third child has autism/Asperger's which was picked up at nursery. The school were really supportive and by year 1 he had a statement of special educational needs, which meant he did have extra help for a few hours a week. He's now 16.
I have four children, and as they've got older they have become very close.
My ex-in-laws were always supportive, but would never actually 'have' the children unless I was with them. I've been on my own for over 8 years now.
It was only when I claimed income support when we split up that I was made aware of disabled living allowance, and claimed it for my son. I have had some grants over the years from the family fund too - mainly for days out and games.
I'm surprised at how parents are with you at the school gate. It is a good place to have a chat. Getting chatting to some in itself was a break! If anyone does comment then you can say something like sadly he has autism. I was lucky really.
It can be hard for you to see others going to their friend's for tea. In my case, C was very, very rarely invited. As with your son, his behaviour was different.
It has got easier as he's got older. I can talk things through with him now. He does still have challenging times - which means challenging times for all of us.
In my area there is an autistic support group. Perhaps if you try googling for your area, you may find a group.
I used to do a craft course in the afternoon's when they were at school. It was time for me and I enjoyed meeting the others - even though they were mainly retired. It was a good laugh and a reason to get out, even if it was for a couple of hours....
Thank you very much for your responses.
I have seeked help from the two charities in my area but some months on not alot has changed. They seem to focus more on children activities then they do for the parents. And it's more like play group. And a lot of the parents have there set groups. I struggle with confidence and over the years my self esteem is pretty non existent.
It's nice to know there are people out there who are supportive.
My son has developmental delays along side with his autismn and it is very hard to join in activities. He likes to be alone in familiar surroundings and i struggle to get him to the playgroup sessions.
I work from home and claim only DLA for my son. I don't know if i would qualify for funding etc. I would love to do a course but financially don't have the money. I shall definitely look into the family fund.
Are you able to claim carer's allowance too? It was a couple of years before I found I was able to claim this.
It was a struggle to get my son to playgroup/nursery, but as he was my third child, and I new the leaders well, and they knew I never had a break otherwise (I'd not long lost my Mum then) they insisted on hauling him in! He would mainly sleep on a bean bag - his way of switching off.
It is well worth looking at the Family Fund site. I initially had a home visit of a lovely representative who spoke to me and all the children. My son enjoyed trips out - mainly to watch aircraft at the RAF base not far from me, so the grant helped with things like that.
My friend has a son who has health problems, and she has funding for a holiday (in the UK) each year. I never did ask for that though...
Hi Random Bee,
I have a one year old boy, he isn't autistic but we are on our own. i have no family in Birstol and his father and I have never been together. My son is becoming much more aware and he doesn't seem so happy right now. It's very intense in the house, with just the two of us all the time and I struggle to engage with him at the moment. All of this just to say that I think I know how you feel! I'm sure that local colleges offer big exemptions for courses? What about Banardos (like the adviser suggested)? They have councellors there and I bet they could put you in touch with some course providers that aren't too costly? Virginia
ps Random Bee, I understand exactly how you feel about being 'judged'. I feel judged all the time and as though I'm a bad parent. Can I just say that from where I'm standing you sound incredibly courageous, brave and I find it hard to believe that anybody could judge you negatively! I believe that we can turn it around
Hello virginia
Nice to hear from you! You are very perceptive about the intensity that can exist when there is one child and one parent. It's also easier to worry about being a bad parent as the other person is not there to dsicuss things with. Do you get out and socialise a bit, such as toddler groups? Your Health Visitor will know what is on locally.
I'm new to the website. I'm a single mum by choice to an adorable little girl who is almost 3. I'm in my early 40s and had given up hope. Ever since my daughter was born I have found the loneliness and isolation very hard to deal with. Sadly, I have never been close to my family, and my relationship with my mother and one of my brothers(which was never good) broke down completely over a year ago. It didn't help that, due to circumstances, I have had to move house frequently and re-locate more than once in the last 5 years. Although I have fantastic friends who were a huge support to me during my pregnancy and the heartache of suffering 2 miscarriages beforehand, they do not live nearby, as I had to move to a different area shortly after my baby was born. I am on good terms with my father, other brother, stepfamily and 1 cousin, but they are very spread around, and I don't get to see them very often. I have always found it hard to make new friends, though I've managed it fine in the past, it seems so much harder now, for some reason. Despite the fact that I've been going to groups etc. I love my little girl dearly, but I need adult conversation, and a chance to vent. We are in the midst of the "terrible twos" at the moment, and she is a very spirited child with endless energy. I worry about the very intense 1 to 1 that exists in out household, especially as we can both be highly strung and volatile at times. I'm not sure that some people really understand what it's like, I met a small group of single mums a while ago, and I didn't even feel I had anything in common with them as they get A LOT, and I mean A LOT of help from their mums, and took it for granted. I've no regrets, and my daughter is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I cannot imagine my life without her, but as I have never had any family support or any help, and I'm completely on my own. I worry that she is missing out, as I feel that I might be a better parent if I had the chance to vent and recharge my batteries.
hi pip i spend alot tym on my own, im use to it, i av little girl whi is 2, and 11 and 14 yr old son and 19 yr old dawter, ad bad relationships, i av mates but they av their own lives, my little girl is terrible toos, it is hard, me every nyt , i get elp but not much of a break at all, really wana go bk work just for a break, i donty get much adult company at al, x
pip42:
My family is far and in between also. My mother is terminally ill, and i spent 6 years caring for her, which isolated me even more. This cased me and my siblings relationship to break down. Neither one of them bothered with my mum and when her illness became worse they all ran a mile. I was on call 24/7 and had no life. No one helped to care for my mum. Last year my mum nearly died due to blood poisoning, then carching MRSA? It nearly tore my world apart. My mum no longer remembers who I am but I still go to visit her just to be around her. She makes me feel better. I dont feel so lonely.
When I say I have no one people dont realise I literally mean it.
Just last week my mother fell seriously ill and I had to take my son out of school as I had no one to pick him up. Why is it so hard to make friends as a parent? When I first had my son I made so many friends and now. ....... i have non.
I know my son isnt happy with our world just being us.
Hi random_bee, virginia and pip42. Welcome along to One Space. This really is a great site for support, so please stick with us.
random_bee. I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum. Being a single mum can be very isolating. I have a 10 year old son, have brought him up on my own from day one. I do have family, but only one sister that visits. She doesn't live locally though. The school thing is hard too, trying to 'fit' in. I have made two friends at the school, neither single mums, so again, they don't truely understand my situation. School mums, I find, are very cliquey. Have you ever spoken to any of them? I know you say, that they judged you from day one, but perhaps, if they realised your son was autistic, they would understand that your son isn't naughty at all. I understand completely when you say, 'my son isn't happy with our world just being us' I feel that also. When the front door closes, it feels that we're completely on our own. Weekends and holidays are the worst I find. Imagining families having great times, but I've learnt on here, the grass isn't always greener!! Is your son on half term this week?
Hi virginia. Yes, it can be very intense when there is just you and one child. As my son gets older (now 10) I'm actually finding it getting worse!! I didn't find it like that when my son was your age though, I think more so when he got to school age, especially the holidays, as he'd be at school all week, so I'd get a break, but then the holidays, it was back to being just the two of us.
Hi pip42. I think all single parents worry that your their child is missing out, more so maybe, if the other parent isn't involved, as in my case too. In actual fact, it is the father that is missing out here. He didn't get to see anything first hand, first smile, first tooth, first steps, first birthday, christmas, first day at school, school plays. The list is endless really isn't it? I believe my son gets more than enough love from me, he'll know that I've always done my best by him, but the only thing I couldn't do, was to make his 'father' want to really be in his life. It does worry me that he doesn't have a father figure at all, no male really to look up to, but then that can't be helped. As adults, we do definately need time to charge our batteries etc, have space from the child etc. Make time for yourself when your daughter is in bed, sit and relax. Forget the tidying up, that can always wait (I've learnt that one over the years, hehe)
I look forward to getting to know you all. One Space has been a tremendous support for me over the years, and I think I've made some great 'virtual' friends on here. There is always someone that has been either been through the same, or similar thing, which does help a great deal.
hi well my dad ad brain hemorage and stroke in jan tht was hard we almost lost him, then ad ex harssing me, it is hard, im strong tho,av to b, wish wasnt on my own so much but wot can i do, i av my nyts out thank god, ope ur ok imere to spk tox
Hi random_bee, virginia and pip42, welcome to One Space from me too!
I recognise myself in the situations that you talk about, the worry, the loneliness and the general day to day struggle.
My daughter is 18 this week, so I am now in a very different situation, but reading your posts struck a chord with me. I felt so very alone and didn't think my daughter was very happy it just being me and her (Dad in and out of her life).
But what I have come to realise is that all of this starts with us. If we can make ourselves more content with our situation then our children follow suit (also we don't have so much time to worry about them, because we have other things going on in our lives) when the world outside seems closed we can get too wrapped up with our little ones and focus too much on the negatives (that is just from my experience anyway)
Have a look at our article Making New Friends (click), think about doing some Voluntary work, keep talking to us here on One Space. Small steps to finding out more about you, what makes you tick, what makes you happy will take you a long way. It may seem daunting right now, but believe me you can move on from this point, become empowered and take control of the situation. You have already started by coming onto this site and sharing what is going on. 1 in 4 parents is a single parent, so there are loads of us out there!
When I first became a single parent, I thought that was all I was, now that is irrelevent to me.....the fact that I am parenting alone, I am still a mother, but I also have the chance to be me - so important.
Please share here what your interests or hobbies are, what did you do before you had children. If you could do anything, what would it look like?
For a short spell I was part of the council voluntary scheme run for the elderly. I would help out the elderly in my area and make sure they where okay, or just sit and chat.
I used to attend a sewing circle but had to give most of it up. I did enjoy that and found the older ladies where so friendly. But we never really socialized outside the group.
Yes the mums at my sons school are very cliquey and rude. They have no interest in talking to me. I was bullied into going to this coffee type morning thing by the school they held for parents in my sons class. It was awful. They would answer my questions but show a lack of interest in carrying on the conversation.
I was wondering if it was me.
I love arts and crafts, reading, writing. Socializing.
I used to work as a teachers assisant prior to having my son and loved it. I was in my element. I wanted to study special needs but was unable to afford the college fees. But i would love to get back into childcare.
My son is on half term but not very well. He suffers with eczema so a lot if the activities I had planned dont look to be happening and ive fallen behind with work. Been the weekend from hell.
Hi random_bee, sorry to hear that your weekend didn't go so well and that your son has been unwell too, i take it that you have fallen behind with work because you work from home and you have had to juggle that and caring for your son.
Working from home can be isolating if you have not already got a good social circle, my experience of building new friendships was a long one, lack of confidence and adult things to talk about, now that may sound odd, but actually when your life has pretty much been kids day in and day out for years you sometimes forget what it's like to have proper adult conversations that don't center on how quickly little johnny started walking. Getting back to work mean't that i was around people that i had things in common with and enabled me to build better long term friendships.
What's stopping you getting back into teaching? if you got a job in a school you may be able to get the additional training you would like to do as part of staff development or staff progression, depending on available budgets they maybe able to fund it.
Have you thought about doing something with your other interests, creative writing perhaps?
Yeah, hes generally unwell and wants constant hugs. Plus being in a new home his melt downs are constant at the moment. So between his naps and moments of calm Im trying to get new orders out and then my phoneline went down over the weekend so nobody could get through to me. My internet is down with the phoneline so I cant keep up with new orders. Nightmare. Had to use that BT fon to get a day of internet.
Childcare is too expensive. I do qualify for 6 hours a week. But this is not consistent and leaves me having to find a childminder flexible to be able to take my son last minute. And there are very few childminders in this area who are qualified to care for autistic children. And those that do charge double, sometimes triple the cost.
I spoke with a lady from crossroads and they said i would get 8 hours respite a week. And then I have to pay petrol costs and any other charges inccured. So for example if they go cinema I cover all the costs including petrol. It was set up through a company called crossroads. I dont know if that is something i can afford including childcare.
I did work in childcare up until my son turned 2 then no longer could afford it. Also my son is in main stream school and they struggle to deal with him so I end up being called into school on a daily basis.
When he went into reception I was asked to come in every morning for 2 hours to assist the teacher in dealing with my child. I should have been on the payroll.
Going in those 2 hours every day made me realise I really want to go into special needs. Its the childcare aspect.
Ive looked into a short course on creative writing. Ive done little courses over the year. Brushing up on my computer skills. Writing and grammer but this past 3 years ive not really done anything. I lack confidence. Im not as out going as i used to be. This whole school and dealing with the parents has really lacked my confidence.
Hi random_bee, great start! Recognising that your confidence is low, that means the only way is up!
You might be interested (if you have time) in doing our Assertiveness course or Life coaching course, to get you started. Here is a list of our current online courses.
I am presuming that you know the Autistic Society and their helpline number? I am wondering if you have ever called them for a chat and some more ideas/help with your son?
Hi random bee,
I hope you and your son are doing well,
have you been in touch with a group called Home Start, they are very helpful and may even have somebody who can come and help you out and help your son as well.
All the other other are right, there is loads out there and everyone on this site have and will always be supportive and helpful
Good call, spanish gothic. And hello to you, random_bee. Life with a child who has needs other than the 'norm' can sometimes feel very isolating and challenging. I know what you mean about cliques of mums at school - A's school is dreadful for that kind of thing. You're either a 'yummy mummy' or a 'slummy mummy' - they don't seem to do a happy medium!
Homestart is a good suggestion. I was wondering if you had a Portage office in your area? Your son is a bit old to get direct help from them, but they may well be able to signpost some other agencies (also, in my experience they are usually looking for workers - and offer some really good training...)
Hi all, I had not heard of Portage before Portage is a home visiting educational service for pre-school children with additional support needs and their families, find out if they operate in your area here: National Portage Service (click!).
(oops - I pressed post twice, see my actual post below!)
Bee, I can relate very much to your post.
I have a 6 year old boy with Down's Syndrome and we've been on our own since not long after his diagnosis (about a week after he was born) his father decided he wanted nothing to do with him/us. He later decided to start seeing him occassionally but this was always frought with problems and unreliable - he has just decided again that he is about to 'opt out', he is moving to America early next year. I have little family support.
I did have friends who were some support during his early years but this has since pittered out after (their) relocating. I suspect it was also to do with them becoming fed up with hearing about my problems. Which I almost can't blame them for as I have had many worries about my son which I did voice. I really needed someone to talk to though. I thought that friends would understand. There is a limit to that of course and I realise now that most of the issues to do with single parenthood and children's ASN are just things you cannot recognise or relate to unless you have been there and been through it. (Issues like school placement problems & medical worries & especially the day-to-day struggles that are somewhat invisible to others, etc! - Okay, there were a lot of things!) Have you grown apart from friends too? I think it's hard to stay close when you find yourself in this whole other world.
My son's also currently at a mainstream with a base (which wasn't my choice) and I also feel really alienated, although I haven't had any explicitly negative comments. My son gets transport to school most of the time (as it's not our catchment school, it's miles away & my son can't walk very far /needs S.N. buggy); is that the case for you too? When I do go to the school at pick up times no one ever stands near me or tries to talk to me and they've all obviously formed their cliques long ago. :-( He used to have a split placement between a special nursery and a mainstream nursery. The mainstream experience was the same at nursery - for me and for my son, no one (kid or adult) tended to be very friendly. Special nursery was totally different, my son had friends and I felt really involved/supported and made good friends (but since our kids have started school I never hear from them now). I volunteered and loved every minute. I volunteered to help with an outting for his mainstream nursery and was barely spoken to by other mums (despite trying to start conversations) and my son was so over excited that the melt downs were constant and I felt really miserable & judged. I spent the rest of the day crying! I'm really reluctant to get involved with anything at his school at the moment because I fear another experience like that. Ugh, sorry! I didn't mean to just moan,but I'm wondering if you've had a similar feeling/experience? Do you have any choice regarding school placement?
I too would love to be pupil support assistant or something involving kids (& ASN)! Also struggle to find childcare that really meets son's needs and doesn't cost £120 per in-service day! (The actual cost of the only childcare which ended up being successful. I couldn't find funding for this though.)
I don't know what the rules are where you live, but here in Scotland, if you claim carer's allowance (you can still earn up to about £100 whilst claiming) you can get a part time fee waiver for most part time college/uni courses. Part time studying didn't work out for me (as it still involved finding childcare due to class hours) but maybe it would work for you. If at college/uni you can usually get funding for childcare (within limits and on discretion) - maybe in that case you could hire a nanny and train her? I've sometimes thought this might be the only thing that would work for us, but expensive without funding.
Have you applied for help with rent/council tax? Maybe you should check you're not entitled to anything you're missing.
Lately I've been thinking about how lovely it would be if I could find another single parent to share a flat/house with. It's the day-to-day lonliness that gets me. The quiet evenings. Have you considered that? Although it's something that would probably be quite difficult to organise - who to ask etc.
Also, if you're ever at crisis point, I think there's a organisation called 'care for the family' who have telephone counselling or support. (That's a vague memory so I hope I haven't made that up!) Oh, and there's contact a family, too. Although, I reckon you probably know of all these things, like me, but it's just not quite what you want or too daunting.
Well, I hope some of the suggestions in the forum help. I came accross your post whilst I was looking for ideas on making Christmas alone with your little one a bit less lonely. It's awful to hear that you're struggling with this too, but I was a little relieved to notice that I'm not the only mum with these issues! So I hope you'll feel the same. I really hope things pick up soon - I'll be thinking about you & wondering so do let us know!
Naomi x
Hello Naomi
Thanks for your post and it will have helped a lot of people, as well as random_bee as many people read these boards for information, even if they choose not to post themselves.
I am sad to hear about the sense of isolation you feel. You said that the people you get on well with at the nursery do not get in touch....how about you getting in touch with THEM? Sometimes, if a relationship is beneficial to us then we have to make the lion's share of the effort even though we know we would prefer it to be an equal thing. Are you in touch with a local support group also?
You mentioned an organisations called Care for the Family and contact a family. Anyone can see these by clicking on the blue links.
I would also like to mention The Family Fund, who provide an annual grant to parents of children with special needs or a disability, and encourage parents to apply for Disability Living Allowance, and persist even if turned down the first time.
Hope that you will find these boards a friendly place too!
Hi Louise,
Thanks for your reply. :)
You're right about getting in touch with people, I should do. I think I'll email some Christmas cards. :) I used to go to a coffee/support group but when the special nursery building was closed the group stopped running. There are things for kids with down's syndrome, although my son is between the ages they cater for.
Family fund are great, they have given us a grant before and I'm thinking or applying for a grant towards a special needs tricycle or wheelchair bike. Would encourage everyone who might be eligible to apply for any special equipment, as it is so expensive (they can also help with household things too though). I believe cerebra help with grants too, for equipment for children with brain injury (including congenital, so including many learning disabilities.)
Thanks again x
Hello random_bee, I am sorry you feel so isolated at the moment. You are welcome here and there is lots of support. It seems the hardest thing for you at the moment is the lack of support?
Your son is now at full-time school and there is no reason you cannot undertake different activities in school term time on your own and make some new friends. Get in touch with your local college and see if there are any courses. Have you been given exemption from moving from Income Support to Job Seeker's Allowance because of your son's needs? Do you receive DLA for your son? If not, or if you have been turned down, go to your Citizen's Advice Bureau and get them to help you.
Get in touch with Barnardos (click) as they offer all sorts of different support to families
I would also like to mention to you The Family Fund (click) where parents of a child with special needs can get an annual grant. My friend had contact with them recently and they were absolutely fantastic.
There are a few parents on here who have been through similar situations so hopefully they will also be along to offer a welcome.