This site is an archive of the OneSpace Forums. Return to forum index.
This site is an archive of the OneSpace Forums. Return to forum index.
Hi, does anyone mind if I go on a bit?
I'm feeling really dodgy. Found myself looking at websites for the least painful way to suicide last night. My daughter was still up - thank god she's not old enough to understand yet.
After redundancy (3 yrs ago) I put the mortgage on interest only. The lender agreed to a maximum of 3 yrs - that's now up and have to find extra £300 per month. Only have 1 bed flat - daughter (6) has bedroom, I have sofa.
Then yesterday had a form from benefits office dated 14 March - to be returned to them by 14 March!!!! It says it's to check I'm getting the right benefits but think it's a way to cut them if they can with any excuse. Like returning the form 'late'. There's questions on there I have no idea how to answer. Some of it involves paper work long gone. Others seem to be put in a way to trip you up. The benefits office give me the fear and with the combination of that and mortgage I've hit rock bottom (again).
I suffer from bipolar and get psychotic episodes. I am really afraid I'll get another one. This invariably gets social services involved. I cannot afford to have another one, they might take my daughter, even tho it has been agreed that she is under no threat from these episodes, I get self destructive and am not a threat to her. I am under the local Mental Health Care Team - but their crisis line is closed till 5pm. I am shaking and trying to hold it together.
It's complete fear they rule you with!
I would echo was littleangel says - call someone - samaritans, breathing space. Do you have a friend, mum or dad or neighbour that could look after your little one while you go out for a walk - you can email the experts on this site for help with money matters etc - you are not alone - we are here to support you - deep breaths J6767
Sounds like you need a break. Can someone have your daughter for a while whilst you go to your local council offices. There are certainly ways out with regards to your mortgage. I agree with the above post I really feel you should spk to someone today, and the mere fact you have asked for help, will assure SS that you want what is best for your little girl.
Please don't feel alone and speak out today before you begin to feel worse.
Your stronger than you think, just concentrate on one thing at a time.
No more thoughts of suicide, your a mummy and your daughter needs you.
Good luck
Hello J6767
It's dreadful when we are feeling so bad and then BAM we get a letter like that. However, the two dates prove very clearly that it is an error so try not to worry too much. As the others say, the Citizens Advice can help with the form
If you feel suicidal the Samaritans are only at the end of the line but you can call them just to talk as well 08457 909090, the beauty is that they are open 24 hours a day.
If you would rather speak to someone with knowledge of mental health issues, then by all means use your crisis card later or call Saneline 6pm-11pm on 0845 767 8000. See this booklet from Mind about sucidal feelings, too.
You could also consider signing up to a specialist forum that provides online group support, see here
Keep posting here too, we like having you here! 
Thank you, you're all so lovely. This site is a lifeline! I've managed to calm down - I won't be looking at the internet tonight decided to cuddle up on the sofa with my daughter. I'm going to try and stay calm till Monday when I can contact the mental health team and get this awful form completed. I've remembered they have a benefits person, I'll give him a call too. BREATHE DEEPLY!
Unfortunately its when I need to call GP or 999 that SS get involved, so I really try not to do that. Coming on here helps tho :).
Thanks for the info Louise, I've written down saneline and will call them if I get weird again. And I'll check out the online support too.
xx
well done J6767 - thanks for posting - enjoy cuddling up on the sofa and there is usually someone about here as well if you need a 'chat'. phone the helplines suggested though if you need to - i must have spoken to the guys on Breathing Space at least once a day and still do - they are brilliant and it really helps - keep posting - we are here to help
Thinking of you J6767. I hope you're able to have a peaceful evening.
Good morning J6767, how did you sleep and how are you this morning?
:) Thank you
I'm a bit wobbly, my thinking is all over the place, but I'm holding it together (I think) thanks. A bit hyper tho. Dreading tomorrow - I also have a review at the JC. I'm worried now that they'll want to put me back on the WP and try and stop me taking the temp job I've got lined up as it's only 15 hrs a week for around 18 weeks. It would be such good experience after so long out of work plus they have the reputation of eventually taking temps on perm if they like them. I'd refuse and do the job anyway but would they cut off my benefits? I did mention this position to the last person I saw at the JC, perhaps that's why they sent this stupid form - but it's jumping the gun cos I won't start for about another 4 weeeks - then situ will change again and will have to fill it out AGAIN. I think I think too much! I just have NO FAITH in the system... there's too much going on! My parents are in their 80's and rely on me, I have my 6 year old, very little support, bipolar, hard of hearing, hip probs, no social life and 2 friends that I can't really bother too much cos they have their own probs (like everyone else). Oopse I'm babbling now. Sorry. I'm so angry I'm made to feel like this when I'm really trying my best to make everything work and find a viable career again!
xx
Hello, good morning
I think the temp job is a VERY positive thing and I would be amazed if the JC didn't see it that way too. I do so know what you mean about the review thing, though, it is because they have some "power", that's why I find things like that uncomfortable.You're doing a great job if you are also helping your parents as well as you daughter. Are you doing anything nice for yourself today?
You sound like a very caring and lovely woman. You are trying your damnedest to keep everything in order! Life is tough enough without bipolar, and rather than sitting down feeling sorry for yourself, you are looking for ways to help yourself !! Goooooo you!!!!
Keep up the good work lady .. One day it will all come together for you .. Just you wait and see !! Xxx
Thank you, that's so lovely :). Seriously, this site is a life line!
Went to Granny & Grandads today. Daughter's been a total angel (as ever). That bond keeps me going. Much calmer.
Happy Mother Day to all of us, hope you all had a fab day.
xxx
i think it the sex thing go get happy girl toy it happys lol i get bipolar god it hard you on ur ups you know u b on ur down soon so go gp say how you cope it hard i know last wk i get more pills but im good and im try my best b happy
Bipolar is a nightmare, I can't take the meds cos they knock me sidewards. Have to drive my daughter to school & back - no option as all schools in walking distance oversubscribed. So I'm a danger on the road on meds, can't have a crash. Doesn't go down well with the psychatrist, but he's not the one driving the car. How long have you had bipolar Kat? The ups and downs are exhausting. My ups aren't even much fun, I get angry, irritable, hyper no sleep, self hating. Think I have good ideas which are actually stupid, totally unrealistic. Have learned to try and resist them. Panic attacks, shaking etc. The downs are def worse tho. Blackness. It's like walking across a chasm on a narrow ledge with a massive fall either way. Keeping a journal helps control things a bit but when major stresses comes along it all goes out of the window. I was in a highly manipulative relationship for several years and now have an irrational fear of being controlled in any way - which is what JC, WP & threats do.
Really jittery today, everything feels unreal. Have review, feel sick.
Hi J6767 how are you doing? is the review today? if so how did it go?
Hi Sally
Now feel washed out. The JC reveiw was 1 and 3/4 hrs. After my grilling there I'm more sure than ever that they want to cut my benefits. I can't deal with that thought right now. On plus side I've got a benefit advisor from local mental health team to help me fill out the form.
The JC advisor told me I can no longer restrict my travel to work time. It now HAS to be 90mins each way, in line with everyone else. And that I can not have up to 28 days to find suitable childcare. Also when doing their 'Looking For Work' form, you now have to specify the reference number for all jobs applied for or expect sanctions to be applied. I'm goin to post bit on another thread cos think others might need to know that.
x
J6767 Welcome, glad you have found this site, its has been a lifeline especially when your down, babble on as much as you like if it helps its all good.
Hope tomorrow is a better day for you.
my old pill was like that but i get new one i was on 6pill a day but i have 2 gave ne name you need go back to dr i get 3 kids but keep trying take tham b4 bed well help you sleep it off i know this hard 4 you plz donot gave up you know if you donot take tham you can have ur kids take off you so go back to dr keep try new one this his any thing to you you can do it i do god it so hard some time i can get off bed but i get new life you can do it any time you need chat im all you not mad you can do this
Hi Dexter & Kat
Thank you for being so kind :)
I have an appt with psych next week, perhaps I'll see about the meds... cos I'm resistant to control it freaks me out. But I'm freaked out anyway so what the heck.
I just want a good job that'll keep us going!!!! Applied for 7 jobs in one day last week and apply for at least 1 a day (as long as they're there to apply for). Didn't hear back from any of them. Been told my CV and letters are very good (by JC, WP, Remploy et al). I've got loads of experience. So hope temp position turns perm.
Sorry I do go on a bit...
xx
You're not going on at all, J6767, The review sounds awful! I have drawn Laura's attention to the other thread you have posted. Glad you have a medical apointment arranged. As for the jobs, you can only do what you can do.
How are you feeling this morning?
Hi Lousie, thanks :)
I'm furious! Anger is actually better in some ways. Thanks for contacting Laura about the above. It's like they thrown all her hard work in the bin! I'd do a protest if I thought it would do any good!!!
Well, we will see what comes out of it, we don't really know if your adviser has got hold of the right end of the stick yet. I am not "glad" you are angry, but anger can be very energising. Does the good weather make a difference to how you feel? I have to say I generally feel more positive with the lighter days.
Hi Louise, thanks for being so supportive.
My job fell through yesterday - not good.
sorry to hear that J6767 - sending you a hug
Oh that is a disappointment, J6767, sorry to hear that. I always think that when job seeking, one of the hardest parts is picking yourself up when a job falls through. Keep on keeping on is what I always say.
Try to get out in the sun today, have you got any plans for anything nice?
Hi LRH & Louise
Was really disappointed :( . Had a good rant on the WP thread which cheered me up lol. Sense of humour coming back. Bit warped, but back xxx
I will say it again or as many times you need to hear it. You sound like a good woman and a very determined lady!! Your doing GREAT,so just you keep goin, and also inspiring other people that are in the same/similar situation as yourself. You have a strong will to succeedwhich means Your on the road to thrive !! Keep going darling...and remember when ever your having a bad day, that the love your little girl holds in her heart for you is pure!! Embrace all your good days and we are all here to guide you through the bad!! Xx
Hear hear, Lilliful !
Loving the avatar, J6767
Hi Liliful & Louise thank you :)
Glad you like the avatar. You have no idea how long it took me to grow that beard. ;)
I'm feeling very strange today, like a hyper is coming on. I might go quiet for a bit, the only way to deal with it is to try and keep really calm and not get stimulated in anyway. I never quite know who I'm going to be when I wake up in the morning!
xx
Ok J6767, but let us know if there is anything we can do to help
I am sorry...
Hun if you get that bad then call the out of hours GP or 999. I cant believe you crisis team number is closed till 5pm that is out of order - obviously a crisis doesnt fit in to a time slot!
Go to citizens advice regarding your mortgage and see what they can help you with. As for the benefits once again they are pushing people over the edge and this infuriates me! However if a letter is dated 14 march they cannot expect it back by 14th march that must be an admin error.
If you take appropriate steps to manage your episodes (ie getting help when you feel one coming on) SS will be able to see you are more than capable of taking care of your daughter and managing your mental health.
Good luck with it and please call GP today x