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No idea where he is. I doubt very much he'd listen to the community support officer - he doesn't like any of them because they are always on the teens' case. Also he has to catch a train or bus to the next town, so the police couldn't police this, if you know what I mean.
I suspect he met someone at the station and they declared a snow day.
Hi Hopeful, has your son come home yet?
Although your son doesn't like the community officers, it might be worth giving them a ring and seeing what they could do to help. It shows your son that you mean business and you never know you might get someone who manages to penetrate your son's thought process.
He is not a bad kid, just confused and rebelling. It is not ok for you to be walking around on eggshells in your own home, this is just not on and I think you must recognise this too.
We are here to support you whatever you decide, but remember if you do nothing, nothing will change.
I hope you're ok Hopeful, and he's home...
He came home at half two. Very cheerful saying he'd bunked off school (the audacity!). The trains weren't running and the replacement bus was 50 mins away and there were hundreds of people waiting, so he decided to take the day off. Unfortunately, I had to laugh (always a bad thing). I did tell him he should have come home and I would have taken him and that he was not to do that again.
I know it's not right to walk on eggshells. Am doing my best to be assertive. :-P
I am reporting your post as offensive, shawn21. Please go away with that rubbish.
Hopeful, thanks for that....has been dealt with 
Here I go again. I could just cry.
I went to see the housing benefit people to proof to them that No2 son still goes to school and while there I asked what I'll have to do once he stops education.
Basically, what they told me was that when children leave education they are then expected to look after themselves and my benefits will be cut down accordingly.
Because No3 son is always after money, I took the opportunity to tell him I would loose these benefits when he leaves school unless he stays in education or signs on. Well, he's told me he won't be doing ANYTHING after this year's school. According to him, it's not worth going to college and then not finding a job, there are no jobs now, and he is not going to sign on and be a retard for the rest of his life (his words).
What am I going to do? Apart from the emotional anguish this obviously causes me - after all, I'd like him to be a valuable member of society and be happy etc. - I am seriously worried about my finances once No2 & No3 finish this school year. I am so scared.
So far I have managed to have no debt at all and I'd really like to keep it that way.
How do I get No3 son to see sense? I am loath to throw him out, if he doesn't do anything constructive, but what do I do? 
Hi Hopeful, this is an awful position to be in and i can understand your concerns about being able to cope when the support for both your son's stops.
I know as this has been something that i have been concerned about too, But thankfully my son has now decided what it is he wants to do and has just got a place in sixth form.
I have been saying for a while though that he will have to stay in education or get an apprenticeship or something. I pointed out that it is really difficult to get a job at all let alone get one without any decent grades/qualifications or experience.
I also gave him abit of a reality check, by making him look at jobsites and application forms and the requirements that employers want.
I also talked to him about all the other bills that you would be expected to pay as an "adult", rent, food, clothes, council tax, electric, gas, water etc and asked how he was going to pay for these without a job or an income.
I think that they have to understand at some point that they will have to take responsibility for themselves and their actions and live with the consequences that come from the choices that they make. I have made a big issue of what some of the consequences could be from not making the right chioices.
I'm not sure how helpful this will be but i'm sure that others will be along to impart what has or hasn't worked for them.
Sending you a big hug xx
Hopeful, I have nothing constructive to say as I haven't any experience of this, but I am here to read your posts and support you if I can. The advice Sally has given sounds good. Do you think your sons would take this on board over time?
Sending you a big hug x
Hi Hopeful
I think this is something a lot of parents struggle with. Like you, I pointed out to son how much I was going to lose when he left education and therefore he needed to make a contribution. I know it falls on deaf ears when they are this age though. Sally's idea of going through the bills is a good one, I drew up a household budget and said this is how much it costs to live and your third of it is therefore X amount. I know I am a bit of a dragon but it really is a case of if he wants to live in your house then he contributes FULL STOP, either from wages, from his benefits or by staying on and allowing you to carry on recieiving Child Tax Credit etc. and so my view is that if he really will not listen then you need to put your foot down VERY FIRMLY. I know this is really really hard as you have said before that you feel apprehensive about what he will do but it really is tough love and in the end you HAVE to take control, otherwise he will be living at home, not working and not contributing when he is 30 !
As far as your financial situation goes, you have done exceptionally well not to get into debt and if and when this situation arises, it's important to have a long hard look at your household budget and it might mean some adjustments for a while....
Sally, he won't look at anything. I've tried, really I have. We have a big white board in the hall and I can put our spending and income on there, but I don't know that he'll take notice. When I confront him with anything he usually runs away.
Louise, there is no more room for any adjustments. I am good with money, but I can't do miracles. I really can't see anything I can cut down on, unless it is the odd chocolate bar for the children or them going to the cinema once in a while. Oh, and of course my once a month trip out with the girls.
And I won't throw him out, will I? That's just not going to happen, is it? He's been 'left' by two dads, so I am not going to reject him too.
I'm so sorry that you're facing this Hopeful. It was a nightmare when my oldest became 20 and as the child benefit stopped all the benefits I had for him stopped. They also stopped a disabled element I was getting too. It has hit us hard.
He is now working though, but very few hours, and so basically I am keeping him. He's 21. I can't throw him out, so understand where you're coming with that one.
We are struggling here, but so far we're surviving.
I wish I knew what to suggest or say.
Hi Hopeful, the bottom line is he will need to stand on his own two feet and you are the only one that is going to be able to show him how to do that.
At this point I don't think you need to worry about whether you throw him out or not as we can't predict the future. However your concern that he has been 'left by 2 dads' does not mean that you would be rejecting or deserting him, it just means that may be unable to support him.
Imagine if this was about a friend of yours, who needed somewhere to stay, you invite them in, you support them through any issues and then you help them move on. During this time you would expect them to pay their way surely. You are not a doormat.
My daughter left college and is currently not working, so recieving benefits, I told her very firmly that if she did leave full time education she would have to pay her way. I showed her all the bills and the fact that half my wages is used up paying them, so I told her I expect her to pay half of her benefits. I then asked her if she thought that was fair, and she agreed that it was. I was prepared for a discussion about it, but I wasn't prepared to budge! It still meant that she was getting £27 a week though, which is far more than she has ever had before and it is agreed that she won't ask me for any help. ie haircuts, clubbing, mobile top up etc
Although she is still getting a fair bit of money each week (£27), I think it has been good, because she is learning to budget and when she earns wages, she will see it as a good amount, she is learning to live within her means.
Things that you should absolutely not be responsible for if he leaves full time education are his mobile phone, his clothes, bus fares, toiletries, etc. You may consider continuing to cover all his rent, but anything personal is not your responsibility.
Hi Anna - easier said than done though when it does come to crunch time.. xx
Yes, it is easier said than done but basically we have two choices as parents: either we get them to realise that they ARE responsible for keeping themselves or they will still be in this situation when they are 30. It is extra hard that there are so few jobs around, though.
Hopeful try not to worry about your future budget, and let's try to concentrate on how to proceed with your son. Oviously we can't expect our children to stay on in education just for financial reasons, we need to look at what is best for them. What do you think he could do if he went to college? or what sort of a job do you see him getting?
Hi Hopeful. Sending you lots of hugs. Am not in your situation, so really cannot advise on anything. xx
Louise, I can see him doing lots of things, Construction, Animal Work, Sporty stuff etc etc, but to do anything he has to talk to people and that is what he is trying to avoid.
I understand what you say about him having to be responsible, and I think even he has moments where he understands, but he's afraid and therefore doesn't want to think about it.
Hi Hopeful,
It sounds as though he has a lot of things going for him.
He is still only 15, so although he is growing up and knows that he needs to take more responsibility for himself more, he may well swing between embracing that and running a mile from it. It is only natural for him to feel apprehensive about the adult world, I believe that schools and society put so much pressure on achieving and academia that our teens find it pretty daunting the enormity of what is to come. (some just hide it very well!)
I think it is great that the conversations have started, it might not feel as though you are getting anywhere, but I am sure some of what you say will be sinking in.
The thing that will help our children through this period is confidence and we can give our children some of that by spending time with them, acknowledging their good points, letting them get away with some of their annoying habits, but most of all listening to them without judgement.
I know we have talked about this before and it is not always easy, but I think you still have time to get through to your son that you are on his side and also what you expect from him in the future. ie, if he leaves education you will expect some sort of rent. This does not need to be in an accusing or threatening fashion, it just is what it is, as 1) you can't afford to keep him and 2) he needs to stand on his own two feet and that is our job as a parent to help him become a fully rounded adult.
You can say to him, I can see that you hate talking about this and perhaps relay some of your experiences as a teen? What did you do?
hi hopeful ur son is 15, my son is 15, he doesnt see his dad,asnt in 14 years, his dad as always sent money and presents every year for him, exmas just gon he didnt get a card and ofr his birthday, my son says hes not bothered but he prob is, and now mt ekdest dawter dad saw my sons dad at petrol station and gave him his mobile nu to giv to my son, my son asnt txt him, why shud he tho, upto my son anyway told him thtx
Yes kiera, it is up to your son and if he does not want contact then so be it. What a shame his dad has been out of touch for so long.
Hi Hopeful.
Sorry you are in this position and finding it so worrying. I think the advice Anna has given is really useful as you need to try and get your son to understand the reality of life without it becoming a stand off where he feels you owe him a free ride. You have obviously done brilliantly with finances up until now but if you're anything like me you feel fustrated you can't do more (as you rightly said we're not miracle workers). You should give yourself credit where it's due though.
My sister and her partner are having this worry at the moment as he has been made redundant. One daughter is at college and the other has struggled to find work since leaving college. They are finding it really hard as they are paying rent for bedrooms which their daughters are unble to contribute to at the moment. I know it's no consolation but I fear it's a widespread problem at the moment.
Good luck with your son and remember you are doing your best!!.
Thanks Poppy10, and I hope things improve for your sister and her family.
What makes everyone think No3 son is 15? He's 16 1/2! So it's high time.
Thanks for telling me I am doing well though! :-)
You are doing well Hopeful and don't you forget it!
Reminding ourselves of it, can often make the difficult conversations easier too. You deserve to be heard in your own home and you deserve to be respected after all you have been through.
OK, so your son is 16.5, so these conversations are even more important, he can't get away with ignoring you and what you have to say about house rules.
I found with my daughter that I would have to 'drop things in' to conversations, so we would be talking about one thing ie going out, then I would say something around bills, rent and money and how difficult I found it at her age and then I would steer the conversation back to going out again.
This means you are stating what needs to be said, but you are not judging, but informing them of what is expected of them in the future. What do you think?
Anna, I am doing this all the time. The thing with the money is, that I don't really think he makes unreasonable demands. He's very social and of course he wants to be able to buy a coke or a bag of chips or to jump on the train with his mates (he's not asking me for lifts, they're all very independent, and a lift works out about the same money as the train) to go to the next town.
It's probably just me he doesn't want to talk to - he went to see No1 son the week before last and they seemed to have a really good chat about everything, and No1 son reported back that things aren't so bad really. :-)
Hi Hopeful. It's good that son no3 has talked things through with son no1. At least he's talking to someone in the family eh. I have two brothers, and I do know one would chat and speak about stuff to my Mum, and the other would withhold from 'confiding' in her.
Hi Hopeful, great that no3 son has talked with his brother. Chips and train fare are not unreasonable demands, but can imagine that this could amount to a tidy sum each month if you were not getting support, and then there are things like new clothes and trainers etc, if no3 son is anything like mine he will be growing out of stuff pretty fast, and the things that they like don't come cheap 
If it was only him, I could probably work it, but there are the other two to consider, too, so times 3 is impossible.... :-)
If it was only him, I could probably work it, but there are the other two to consider, too, so times 3 is impossible.... :-)
Yes it is very difficult, juggling everything in our own lives and then the different demands of different children. What works with no 3 son humourwise? just thinking that it helps me a lot with my boys, sort of takes the heat out of the situation, we have silly codewords and sayings that can debunk a confrontation
Hi Hopeful, when my daughter started at college, she had travel expenses and lunch to cover, so I decided that she could have her Child Benefit each month, minus £20 for her mobile and a donation to the food bill!
When she gave up on college she had to realise that she would no longer get that money as I didn't have it to give her. She gave up all the same, but it made her all the more determined to find a job.
We are not bank accounts, your son is getting older now and has to take responsibility for himself. I'm not sure if we have discussed this before, but does he get pocket money? so he has to budget for himself?
Just when I thought things were almost working:
The other day No2 son and daughter reported that No3 son had had a letter from 'dwf' - this didn't mean anything to me. On questioning No3 son said 'oh yeah, I should open that'. Then he claimed he couldn't find it. Today said letter was in the post again - he had scribbled not known at this address on the envelop.
Now, I have opened it (is that legal? No3 son is 16) and it is in fact a letter from a debt collecting agency demanding £ 150 (by 26 March) on behalf of S, the supermarket chain. I have tried to ring the number given, but there is only an answer phone message.
I can only assume that he lied about his birthday and set up a credit card. What can I do? Do I have to pay this? I don't really want to ring those people or email them - then they have more contact details. If they didn't veryify his birthdate are they not at fault (not that this is ok for him to do, but I can't really afford 150 now).
HELP!!!
Oh Hopeful, the things they do to try us.
I am not sure of the legal side of these things, however our Money expert should be able to give you some answers. Please contact them as soon as possible.
Here is what this is all about:
About three weeks ago he was caught shopflifting. I think he'd already left the shop but someone came after him and marched him back. He paid for whatever it was and was told all is ok. Nobody called me.
The first letter (that he didn't 'know' about) states: damage £ 0, worth of stolen goods £ 0, security cost incurred: £ 150.
I find this unbelievable. Either they let him get away with it or they press charges. Not a bit of both. I would like to know if this demand is legal. Apparently a teacher told him he didn't have to pay anything like this. I just really don't know...
Very worrying hopeful. I hope money expert can help.
Hi Hopeful. Another worry for you that you can do without. I'm so sorry that you've added stress now. Hopefully, it'll all get sorted, without the payment being done. Thinking of you.
Teenagers are a real handful, my sons are 21, 20, 19 and 6 now, my 19 year old would have been upto the same things as your son, i have been quite strict on them cause their boys and always tried to steer them in the right direction, but like yourself ive had real trouble from the 19 year old, in my opinion im with Louise on most things she has said but i would totally cut him off in a way, like its your house, your rules if he doesnt like it tough, he should respect you and your home, dont let anyone do his chores even if your waiting 2 days on him doing it, dont give him lifts, money and depending on his age if he says hes staying out then padlock the door and dont let him back in, if he wants to play being a grown up let him, he will soon see its not so easy, if hes kicking doors etc, get him to do chores or any money he gets/earns make him pay for it, its your home he has to respect it, my son done the same he used to put his fist/head and feet through doors, walls etc, hes very bad tempered, and thats what i did, i told him its my house, my rules if he didnt like it tough, obviously he didnt, it did take a while but he did settle, a lot of patience and tough love really, its entirely upto yourself luv but i hope this helps in some way xx
It's good to know that on the whole our teens are all up to the same things. I look at where my hair is going white around the edges and I think "no wonder!"
High five to all parents of teenagers! 
Do you have any ideas where he might be 'hiding out'?