div id="user-info" class="buttons"> RegisterLog in

Forums › Introduce yourself!! ›

Lost & Confused

Em
DoppleMe

 

Em
Online
Create 
your 
avatar

Hi.  So very lost and confused and deeply sad :( ...

My Husband & I are currently separated and have been for only a very short while.  We have separated 4 times before but I have always wanted to sort things out so have said that we'll sort through our problems together and he has moved back home.  I have 2 older children from a previous relationship and we have a baby together coming up 9 mths old.  We have argued alot since having our baby, I feel my Husband turned quite possessive and was jealous of the time I spent with the baby and breasyfeeding etc during the 1st few days.  I saw another side of him and him having a stubborn attitude he didn't really want to take onboard comments about being gentle and not shouting etc.  Our arguements esculated over the next few months to the point of the police being involved a couple of times and him having to leave to let the situation cool down.  As much as I feel that I've tried all I can to resolve our issues, been to the drs re. postnatal depress (haven't got it), contacted relate, on anger manage course, tried to be the best Mum and Wife I can be, I still feel that I can't let this just slip through my fingers.  I had to take out a harassment warning last weekend after repeated calls and aggressive threats via voicemails about having unsupervised staying contact with our baby (I was too frightened & shocked to answer the phones, did send 1 txt msg to say do not want to talk you are upsetting me) even though I have been told he is not to have unsupervised contact and definatley too young for staying contact by health visitor.  He shouted down the phone that because he can't see the baby when he wants he is going to take me to court.  I can't believe how someone I love with all my heart can behave in such an aggressive and selfish manner only thinking about what he wants and not for the best interests of out little one (or the older ones.  He knew my Daughter was here & still shouted abuse down the phone) or regarding my feelings in all this.

It's breaking my heart that things have ended so bitterly like this.  Like I say I still love him very much & although I feel it may be for the best to end the relationship now after all we've been through, I do want to get on with him at some point in the future for the sake of our baby (my relationship with my ex partner is very good, we are lucky) Of course it's early days and I miss him very much.  Am so tempted to call him just to tell him that, but feel it would get me nowhere other than what was the point in that?  

I apologise to all of you that this is long winded.  Haven't slept properly in a few days as it's all whirring through in my mind.  Going to see my dr this morning just to say whats going on have a chat etc.

Thanks for reading this.  Although I have some support, your thoughts would be very much appreciated.

Em x

 

Posted on: April 11, 2012 - 9:08am
Back to the top
Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Good morning Em

First of all welcome to One Space. There is lots of friendly support here.

You talk about a pattern of disagreement and splits during the time since your baby was borm. You also mention that YOU have checked you have not got PND, you have been in touch with Relate and investigated Anger Management. I wonder whether your baby's dad has taken the initiative about any of this? Has he been to the Anger Management? did he attend any appointments with Relate? What I am saying to you is that it takes two to have a reconciliation and you need to see that he is prepared to do work and make compromises if there is to be a future together. Can you see what I am saying?

His behaviour since the split has been shocking for you but are you now seeing him in his true colours.?I am very concerned to hear that you have needed a harrassment order! have you had legal advice? I am presuming you have. Don't be pushed into anything at this stage.

Posted on: April 11, 2012 - 9:20am
Back to the top
Em
DoppleMe

Hi Louise

Thanks for the reply.  Having had a look around on One Space it looks like a shall be spending alot of time on here after bedtimes!

Although my Husband said he was prepared to do anything (go to the end of the earth) to solve our issues in reality he didn't do anything apart from go to a couple of individual Relate meetings.  I did lots of extensive research into anger management courses in our area and like I mentioned am working through the course myself.  But there hasn't been one that fits around his work schedule.  I feel he is using his work hours as a slight cop out, but that's just my opinion.  I think he is riddled with fear to change anything - his behaviour, he hates talking about things, hates being criticised, always thinks he's right, so I think to truly contribute to any group therapy he would struggle with.  Maybe I am not giving him enough credit?  I feel that now the warning has been put in place he will hate me and fuel him even more as I know he will not be reasonable enough to understand why he was issued it and why I was so intimidated.

Went to see my Dr and he was very positive.  Obviously it's early days, I cried, he said to stay strong, doesn't feel any meds needed just going through tough time.  Lots of support etc. 

I am most frightened about more fighting, nasty, aggressiveness.  I feel the legal route is going to make it that.  I love the man and my children with all my heart, why all the fighting?  I don't want to be fighting with him for the rest of my life over our baby together. I have questioned myself so much over the past few days if there was anything more I could've done to prevent all the arguing.  Give in? Hold most of the responsibilty towards our home & family?  Look after all the household financies? Take most of the care over our baby?  Because that was what I was doing.  I feel so weak and emotional when before I met him I was so positive and confident, was in a good place.

Now I just have to wait from his solicitor and see what happens, even though I so want to talk to him and try and make him see reason.

 

 

Posted on: April 11, 2012 - 2:03pm
Back to the top
Anna
Online
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Dear Em, welcome from me smiley

I am sorry to say that your situation sounds so common. Your husband is behaving abusively, threatening you, being nasty and aggressive and you are feeling guilty and questioning yourself.

There is nothing you can do to control his behaviour and by contacting the police and getting orders out on him is the only way to protect yourself and your family.

You are not contacting a solicitor yourself because you fear the repercussions of your ex. What does this tell you... You are living in fear.

It is natural that you want to keep him sweet, but actually now is the time to take the bull by the horns and deal with this. You are not to be played and you need to show him that.

Have a look at Tactics of an abusive man and see if you recognise any of it.

I think your ex has controlled and frightened you into being submissive and unsure of yourself, that is why you are feeling unconfident and unable to manage this situation.

Have you been in touch with Womens Aid? 

Posted on: April 11, 2012 - 2:23pm
Back to the top
Em
DoppleMe

Hi Anna

Thanks for your thoughts.  I have contacted a solicitor and have made an initial appointment to see them next week.  I may postpone this though until I have received a letter from him to know his intended action regarding contact.

I am not sure I want to keep him sweet as such, just feel very much in love with him and guilty myself because our situation isn't all his fault.  Throughout our arguments I was violent to him, badly violent at times and for this I feel very ashamed and is why I sought an anger management course to stop me from behaving like this ANYMORE.  I am being honest and I don't like this side of me at all.  Have never been violent in previous relationships or at all with my children, not blaming my partner at all for my behaviour, I shouldn't have behaved like that for any reason; just our arguments were incredibly heated, we seemed to fuel each other somehow.  Having read your tactics link, some things are similar in him and I tried to see myself in the behaviours aswell.  

So as you can understand it isn't all my Husbands fault.  He probably feels exactly the way I do about him, I don't know?  It isn't fair to be dishonest with this thread or with myself.  I've done wrong, I know that.

Will contact womens aid as I haven't managed too so far.  

 

 

 

 

Posted on: April 11, 2012 - 3:04pm
Back to the top
Anna
Online
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi Em, thank you for sharing that.

Firstly we always recommend that you seek legal advice as soon as possible. You have to take control of your life now and not wait to see what he does. The ball is in your court. You need to decide what sort of contact you would like and have that in mind, if he does take action.

Do you know where your violence stems from? You say that you tried to see yourself in the behaviours of an abusive person. Did you see any?

I don't know you at all, however I worked with women who have survived abusive relationships for many years, often these women have retaliated and become violent themselves because a) they have learnt that bullying works b) because they have felt so frustrated at not being listened to.

You say that you have a pretty good relationship with your ex. This tells me that you are capable of being reasonable and compromise. I just don't want you confusing guilt and fear, with love.

What do you love about him?

Do contact Womens Aid as I wonder if a lot of what you are feeling has been manipulated by ex.

Posted on: April 11, 2012 - 3:42pm
Back to the top
Em
DoppleMe

Sorry forgot to mention will keep my solicitors appoint. for next week.  I agree I need to take control angel

 

 

Posted on: April 11, 2012 - 6:46pm
Back to the top
Em
DoppleMe

Hi Anna

Right I have contacted womens aid and a lady from the national domestic helpline called me back.   She was very helpful, and nonjudgemental.  She said she is qualified as a domestic violence counsellor.  She said that I was being too hard on myself, to take a step back and have a break from it all.  She also said she feels I am taking the blame for everything myself.  She advised that I finish my anger management course (which she felt I shouldn't even be on) and enter into the freedom programme to help me through this.  I am feeling alot better after talking with her as she made me understand that what I am feeling is normal and natural at this stage.  So I don't feel as pathetic and weak as I did beforfe she rang! surprise

As far as seeing myself in the behaviours  - and I was really honest with myself, I dont feel that I am any of them apart from the persuade,r as I explained I have asked him to come home after arguments before, purely because I love him and truely wanted to sort our relationship & family situation out.

I don't know where my violence stems from, but your b) option is a definate factor i.e: so frustrated at not being listened to or understood. Also being deliberately or made to feel provoked.

As far as what I love about him... unfortunatley at the moment I can't answer that, but maybe that speaks volumes in itself.

Thank you for your time once again x

 

 

Posted on: April 11, 2012 - 6:44pm
Back to the top
Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi Em

So the counsellor on the Helpline said very much the same as Anna and I have been saying to you, that you are taking on too much of the blame. Do have a look at our Freedom Programme online, and yes I agree it is a good idea to finish the Anger management course, just because it is a skill that would benefit us all.

You are definitely not being weak or pathetic. See what you think about the Freedom Programme and let us know what you think. Now that you have had a look at the abusive behaviours, you can see that YOU have not been behaving in any of those ways.

Posted on: April 12, 2012 - 7:27am
Back to the top
Em
DoppleMe

Hi Louise

Thanks very much.  Started working through the freedom programme online last night and will continue to as and when I feel like it.  My mind needs a rest today smiley

Managed to have a good nights sleep, amazing how exhausted I feel right now and my whole body feels bruised from head to toe... think I may treat myself to a massage soon to get rid of the tension!

Looking forward to a fun day with my mum and children doing some decorating today, want to try and brighten our home up and give us all a little boost (we have an unfinished room) will put on some tunes and have a bop about with the rollers and brushes.

Have decided that I've just got to ride with this as much as the strong urge has returned this morning to contact husband and say how much I love him & how sorry I am it's come to this, I feel it will fall on deaf ears and his unreasonable attitude won't see it as a loving gesture from his Wife only a reason to get more angry due to the recent harassment warning (he will think I am trying to provoke him not simply loving him) 

One Space is a great place.  I have already recommended it to 3 of my friends and also my ex husband as a resource for info and forums, have a chat etc.

Thank you all so much for input... support yesterday really did help me get through the day.

Right where are those paintbrushes?!...

Posted on: April 12, 2012 - 7:49am
Back to the top
Em
DoppleMe

Really need to get the hang of this... for some reason my posts keep appearing twice? Sorry about this

Posted on: April 12, 2012 - 7:52am
Back to the top
Anna
Online
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi Em, posts appear twice when you double click the Post button under a message, you only need to click once.

I am glad to hear that you contacted Womens Aid and found the support from them useful.

Also pleased to hear that you are still going to see your solicitor next week.

You say that you are having overwhelming urges to contact your husband and tell him how much you love him.

Have you ever heard of the Stockholm Syndrome? It develops when strong emotional ties develop between two people where one person is consistently abusive. When there is a lack of abuse, things go quiet or are calmer, the person on the receiving end then perceives this as an act of kindness, resolution or remorse and believes everything can be fixed and sorted out. Unfortunately this is not the case, a controlling person will not recognise their behaviour and certainly doesn't want to be told about it.

I hope the Freedom Programme will give you a real insight into what has been going on for you.

I am imagining you are having a really fun day dancing, painting and hanging out with family, it sounds great! It is so good that you are able to step away from all that is going on regarding your husband.

Let us know how it is going!

Posted on: April 12, 2012 - 2:05pm
Back to the top
Em
DoppleMe

Hi Anna

Many thanks for your thoughts.  Had a fun productive day yesterday, was exhausted by 4pm and was tucked up alseep in bed by 8.30pm!

Your suggestion of the Stockholm Syndrome alarmed me... I already feel so much to blame and now I feel like I am not helping myself at all! :(  I spent sometime on the web researching it and I don't feel as intense as the syndrome suggests.  Only believe I am looking at things realistically and from both sides.  He is my husband, of course I love him.  We have a family, home, life together and I wanted it to work.  Even though our relationship has been turbulent and volitile, I truely believe that with the help of professional support and dedication from each other that we could get through this. If my husband is in too much fear to want to dedicate and contribute to that, then I will have no choice but to walk away and get through this by myself, and let my marriage go.

I am not making excuses for his or my behaviour.  I also believe that this time apart is not an act of kindness from his part, only that he is fuelled with anger about himself, about not getting what he (and his mother) wants and he is following the harassment warning conditions.  He will be so enraged with me at the moment.  I have been telling him for months that I can't carry on living like this, feel unhappy, don't feel close to him anymore.  He feels that I have controlled this whole situation (as the house is solely in my name and I have been looking after baby while he works) and not simply acted to keep the children and myself safe and no longer living in fear and eggshells everyday.

I hold his parents partly to blame for his attitude and behaviour as they have raised him and made him believe that he is perfect and the mistakes in life he has made they have always sided with him (blamed the other person, ex girlfriend, job) and never allowed him to mature enough to learn from his mistakes, take responsibility for his part and help him learn to never do them again.  They just scoop him up, move him back home, side with him, shout and rant with him.  They haven't taught him independance, even to think for himself and make decisions. He just regresses into himself and doesn't speak for days on end.  His Mum has already said to me that she feels I have won in this situation as I remain in our home with our baby, not acknowleged the fact that my heart is broken, my family is in shatters too.  I explained that we are all hurting, us, the children, wider family and it's difficult for everyone.  She said her Son has lost everything again and I have destroyed him and she is going to have him live with her for the rest of her life.  He can't live by himself, how is he going to cope?  I am thinking, that is not my fault... you should've made him stand on his own two feet and explain that you'll support him, but not do everything for him all the time!!  If he doesn't know what to say she'll make phonecalls for him, go to the drs with him, she'll go to the soliictors with him too I imagine.  He's like a puppet on a string and she's pulling the strings.  I can hear her now... "You've got to pursue this, it's our grandchild, don't let her do this to you, we'll help you, pay your legal bill, dinner will be on the table for you after work, you just rest up darling". Nag, nag, nag... and he responds!  I have aready told her that if our marriage doesn't work out he will do this again with someone else in another relationship as he hasn't learnt what his part is in helping the relationship go wrong!

Sorry for the rant blush don't know where that all came from.  Feeling angry today, can you tell?!

 

Posted on: April 13, 2012 - 10:00am
Back to the top
Hopeful
DoppleMe

Hey Em,

just to offer a voice of support (all the advice you've already had from our experts)!

Seems to me you're doing extremely well - you're very self aware and the counsellor you spoke to is right: don't be too hard on yourself. There's a difference between taking responsibility and taking all the blame!

Ranting is ok, too - I've done it myself more than once - it helps you let off steam and that can only be a good thing. So don't apologise for it!

How are your older children coping with all this? How much older are they? Sometimes the loss of a step parent can be worse than of the biological parent (My children are a lot more upset about my second husband dying than about their 'real' dad not keeping any contact).

Hang in there though! Sending you a hug x

Posted on: April 13, 2012 - 10:22am
Back to the top
Em
DoppleMe

Thanks for the support Hopeful & the hug! 

Feeling abit calmer now! smiley

My Son (14) & Daughter (11) initially loved him and dealt with him coming into our lives very well.  We all had some great times together.  Now they both feel happier with him out of our lives.  Even though my Son has tried to make the best of it (probably for my sake, bless him) since my Husband shouted at him for not doing something and told him that if he didn't like it he was to go and live with his father (he used much worse words and tone including swearing )over 18mths ago, my Son has never really forgiven him for speaking to him like that and I understood that it hurt my Son.  I did say at the time please don't talk to him like that, did you really need to say that? I don't want him to live with his Dad.  My husband apologised straight away and said he felt bad, gave him a cuddle etc. But I could tell things weren't going to be the same for a while. Finally in Aug last year, Son couldn't take all the arguing (between all of us including Son & I having crossed words about homework, chores etc) that had started since baby came along that we talked and he said he would like to go and live at his Dads.  2 weeks later he moved out, I was devasted at losing my Son, but of course wanted him to be happy and respected his feelings.  Even though it broke my heart, I felt it was for the best for him.  I felt like a failure as a Mum.  My Daughter was deeply upset at the time aswell about it.  Daughter and Husband have had some very good times together.  Through my pregnancy they spent a lot of time together doing stuff and sometimes I felt a complete outsider! I could tell she really loved him, but when the arguments turned bad and she could see I wasn't happy and how much my husband made her and me feel frightened, she also went to stay at her Dad's for a while to safeguard her from the arguments.  She was going through her 11+ at the time and once again I was devastated at what was going on... a complete and utter mess, but I wanted her to be settled during that important time for her.

Now I feel they couldn't care if they never saw him again and I think my Husband feels the same, he said he doesn't care anymore, never really asked after them when they weren't here; but I feel there was a time he genuinally loved them too.  My son doesn't really speak about him anymore, but he wants to know what is going on and asks me how I am, what's the latest.  Daughter is very protective over me and baby now, says she doesn't like my husband anymore, but understands I still love him and it's going to take time.  Both are dealing with it all very maturely, I am very proud of them both.  I have been spending everyday with them over the past couple of weeks, they are great fun and love their little baby to bits.

Having read this back I can see what a complete mess we've all been through and how much hurt we've all felt and probably still feel. I knew it at the time but my Husband and I only got married last July and I so wanted it all to work for all of us.  My children said to me that if all the arguing stopped and I was happier about our relationship in time they could learn to forgive him (and me) for what we've all been through.  They trust me and my judgement, they of course want me to be happy, but I need to think about them too.  They are my whole life and I want them to be happy and settled just like any other loving parent.

Posted on: April 13, 2012 - 3:58pm
Back to the top
minniemouse

Ahh Em,

i've just read your story, so very brave and honest. Sounds like you're making a massive effort so well done. I'm liking that you've been decorating. My 3 year old Charlie thought the living room walls would look much better with red felt tip squiggles all over it. Its surprising how much he'd managed to do in the time it took me to change his sisters nappy! I used to have cream settees, not any more!

Anyway think about all the things you're good at, i'm sure you'll be teaching your children life skills and how to be independant. x

Posted on: April 13, 2012 - 4:15pm
Back to the top
Anna
Online
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi Em, I am sorry that you were alarmed by the suggestion of the Stockholm Syndrome.

I felt that you had said that you had felt frightened and intimidated by your ex's agressive behaviour in the past, so much so that you had an harrassment order issued to him and that now you were feeling weak and emotional and wanted to tell your husband how much you loved him.

He seems to have made no effort in rectifying your relationship (ie going to Relate) and your son and daughter (at times) have both moved out of home because of him.

I thought you were questioning why you still felt that you loved him so much.

I apologise if I have got the wrong end of the stick. I think you seem to have your wits about you and you know what you want for your family.

Glad you had a good productive day yesterday, how was today? smiley

Posted on: April 13, 2012 - 4:47pm
Back to the top
Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi Em

Stockholm syndrome is something that is a pretty common effect of abusive relationships so it was definitely worth considering whether this was something you were going through when you seemed to find it difficult not to blame yourself.

Reading about your husband's childhood, it seems to me that if you do not ensure that he takes responsibility fairly and squarely for what he has done then this will be another repeat of the pattern from his parents, where they sought to protect him but making it always the other person's fault. It is great that you have recognised this and will be standing your ground.It also sounds as if you have really benefited from getting things written down and off your chest.

So, how are you doing today?

Posted on: April 14, 2012 - 7:28am
Back to the top
Em
DoppleMe

Hi minniemouse

Many thanks for your voice and support.  It's much appreciated as I've had a couple of ups and downs over past couple days.

Just take each day as it comes and make the best of it... that's all I can do smiley

Em x

Posted on: April 14, 2012 - 8:11am
Back to the top
Em
DoppleMe

Morning Anna & Louise

Thank you once again for your input and thoughts.

Have had a few up and downs over past couple of days.  Still haven't had a tearfree day yet!  Woke early this morning and felt so upset that I spent an hour on the phone talking and crying with someone before the children woke up.  I feel like my Husband has died sad

The stockholm syndrome maybe something I am experiencing, I am not sure, but it's made me feel like there is something wrong with me if that makes sense?  And it's confused me as I am not sure if it's a positive or negative thing if I am.  I am sorry, I am not seeing things clearly right now.

Had a relatively good day with the children yesterday, had along walk together with our dogs.  Spent sometime also going through my finances as I need to get a grip on whats going on with bills etc.  Managed to keep the tears at bay until my Husbands company advert came on the television then the floodgates opened again.

Being honest, I tired to call him 1st thing this morning as he gets up early for work and it's probably a good thing that he didn't answer.  After talking to support this morning I have decided to be strict with keeping a diary everyday.  I want to aim it with the intention of letting my husband read it at some point when we've come through all the bad stuff.  My reason may change but that is the intention at the moment.  He may never reads it who knows?  A bit of self help at the moment can only be a good thing I feel.

Trying to decided what to do today with my children.  Will contact my Son and see what he's up to.  Feel like getting out the house again.  

Thanks gals for the support smiley

Em x

 

 

Posted on: April 14, 2012 - 8:44am
Back to the top
Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Diary sounds a great idea. For YOU, though (don't worry about him)

There's nothing wrong with you that I can see, Em. You are coping with the after effects of everything that has happened. It is Nature's way of healing your mind and body.

Hope you have a decent day after that rough start. take care smiley

Posted on: April 14, 2012 - 8:51am
Back to the top
Hopeful
DoppleMe

Hey Em,

see, you are always trying to do something positive and productive! You realise when you're down and you do something about it. That's really good!

I think you are so torn up because in your heart your feelings towards your husband haven't changed - you still love him and you probably still remember all the good stuff and why you fell in love with him. But your head recognises that things are not right, and you deserve to be treated much better than you are, and you are willing to fight for that, too. Plus, of course, you want your children to come first and be happy. Also all the arguments cost so much energy and you get so tired of it all and just want it to stop. That's a whole lot of stuff to deal with at the same time.

You really are doing fantastically well in all this!

Posted on: April 14, 2012 - 10:27am
Back to the top
Hopeful
DoppleMe

Sorry - double clicked and don't know how to delete duplication, just to edit it....

Posted on: April 14, 2012 - 10:28am
Back to the top
Murray72
DoppleMe

Hi Em,

I just wanted to comment on one of your earlier posts,

 Even though our relationship has been turbulent and volitile, I truely believe that with the help of professional support and dedication from each other that we could get through this.

I have been through this emotion years ago when I was still living with my Abusive ex, I was completely in denial and thought our relationship was normal, I minimised the Abuse and lied to everyone including myself about how bad this relationship actually was. I think the kindest thing you can do for yourself is to be honest, if a complete stranger walked into your home began shouted or calling you names, or made you feel this terrible, would you tolerate it, no you would call the police and want some kind of justice. Why accept this behaviour from somebody who is supposed to love you? Somebody who truly loves you would never want to hurt you or cause you deliberate upset, this is a fact and you deserve to be loved this way.

I have completed the Freedom Programme and I have worked with IDAS (Womans Aid) previously, I found these to be invaluable in accepting what had happened to me and recognising this is not normal behaviour, Abusive partners have many of the same character traits.And once I discovered this I felt relief that this man had the problem and not me.

I hope my post does not come across as preachy I just want you to know there is a life after Abuse, but only once the Abuser is out of your life, until then you can't move on.

Good Luck and keep going with the good work.

Posted on: April 14, 2012 - 11:14am
Back to the top
Em
DoppleMe

Hey Louise & Hopeful,

Thanks to both of you for your continued support.  I can't tell you how much of a difference the support makes to me at the moment.  You seem to understand where I am coming from with the heart and head thing.

After spending much of this morning in floods of tears... I am now trying very hard to pull myself together and get productive once again smiley

Big hugs all round, thanks X

Posted on: April 14, 2012 - 2:26pm
Back to the top
Em
DoppleMe

Hi Murray72

Thanks for you thoughts and sharing your experience so honestly.

I am trying to honest with myself and fair at the same time as I've explained above I haven't been completely blameless through our situation.

A Womens Aid out reach worker is contacting me on Monday for some 1-2-1, she feels it's too soon for me to be starting their group freedom programme (although I am working through the online one on here) and I am also going to weekly anger management classes... she fears overload!  I hope the programme will teach me the behaviours and also how my to recover from the impact they've had on me.  I have lost all my self confidence, I really can't believe it and I wasn't even aware of it until after he left.  I feel like I've lost the bounce from my bungy, the shine from my eyes and I have a hole in my soul sad I just have to grieve him away crying

Starting to realise the full extent of the past 18mths for what it really is and all the children & I have gone through.

Just going to roll my sleeves up now and get stuck into everyday as best I can and let my marriage go.  In time I know I will get over all this, I just need some help along the way.

Em x

Posted on: April 14, 2012 - 3:12pm
Back to the top
Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

...and we are all here to give you that cushion,Em. It's a tough challenge but I know you can do it smiley

Posted on: April 14, 2012 - 5:55pm
Back to the top
Em
DoppleMe

Thanks Louise... your belief means alot and it's just made me realise that I know I can do it too wink Well haven't cried for past couple hours laugh so feeling much better.  I know it's early days and I'm going to get good and bad, but right now I feel strong and that's good enough for me.  Hopefully soon I will feel strong and confident enough to comment on others threads and give back the kindness and love. Ty to all  x

Posted on: April 14, 2012 - 8:07pm
Back to the top
Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Good for you!

If you think of it like a rollercoaster ride then you won't be far wrong. It's good to be getting on with things but do give yourself plenty of thinking time too as you need to mentally process all that has happened.

It's great that you have the appointment booked with the outreach worker, one step at a time smiley

Posted on: April 15, 2012 - 7:18am
Back to the top
Em
DoppleMe

Hi Gals,

All going well here still - day 2 no tears smiley

Looking forward to to the week. Daughter back at school now so back to normal routine and that's good for the motivation.  Got to get on with things.  

Hope each of you had a good weekend.  

 

Posted on: April 16, 2012 - 1:58pm
Back to the top
Anna
Online
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi Em, give yourself a huge pat on the back, well done you. It sounds as though you may be finding your feet!

Take it easy though, as sometimes it can be the smallest thing that can feel like a huge setback.

I hope you daughter had a good day back at school?

Posted on: April 16, 2012 - 4:51pm
Back to the top
Em
DoppleMe

Hi Anna

Thanks for the reply.

Yes, Daughter had a great day back at school, was good for her to get back to normality.  So far it's been a good productive week for all of us.  Had Solicitors yesterday.  She agrees that I am better off to wait and hear from his solicitor (if we do)  He has been told through his harassment warning to only communicate via solicitor for contact, collection of all his belongings and she explained that he has taken it to the extreme as he could've called/written me calmly and rationally over the past week to arrange this.  But I said he is only doing what has been asked of him.  I am in a good place as are the children, and I am in our home, with the children, able to come and go with them as I please, wear what I like, say what I like.  I feel free and happy, it's brilliant.  Why would I want to prempt things by starting action myself?  I don't have any need at the moment (He can't have changed his attitiude or behaviour in 3 weeks) so will not be seeing our baby for a while yet and his belongings are still here and not getting in my way.  I also can't financially afford to start paying a hefty legal bill.  My babies come 1st.

It's quite astounding how very different we (the children & I) and our wider family feel now.  It's almost like a great big black cloud has been lifted from us.  Can't help feeling though in the back of my mind that he is lurking somewhere out there and will swan back into our life at some point shouting the odds as before whether with a solicitor in toe or not.

Will keep you gals posted, Em x

 

Posted on: April 19, 2012 - 11:44am
Back to the top
Anna
Online
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi Em, it is great to read your post. Especially the 'black cloud has been lifted!' I remember this feeling well Smile

It feels like such a relief doesn't it, almost unreal!

Your ex is still lurking out there and no doubt will want to try and make contact all in good time. But this time of peace will be really healing for you and you will find the strength to deal with whatever he throws at you. You know this is the right thing for the future.

When does the harrassment order end?

Posted on: April 19, 2012 - 4:41pm
Back to the top
Em
DoppleMe

Hi Anna

Not sure about that.  The police did indicate 6 months, but not 100% sure.  More worryingly is I have just met with my womens aid outreach worker this afternoon and she informs me that in her opinion I am suffering from post traumatic stress disorder.  Didn't see that one coming... thought I was doing well! Undecided

Will spend sometime doing research on this before bed as I am exhausted.  Had 2 hours of anger management aswell this afternoon.  Onwards and upwards, I WILL keep positive, I will, I will, I will Laughing

Posted on: April 19, 2012 - 5:29pm
Back to the top
sparklinglime
DoppleMe

I'm sure you are doing well.  Its good you have this supprt from Women's Aid. 

 

Posted on: April 19, 2012 - 11:54pm
Back to the top
Anna
Online
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi Em, I think when you first started posting on these forums, you weren't aware of the extent of the abuse you have suffered. I am glad that you have an outreach worker.

I recently did some training on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and it is so prevalent for people who have been on the receiving end of aggression and have felt scared out of their wits.

We usually associate PTSD with war heroes, however those people chose to go to war and I am so glad that society is beginning to recognise that survivors of DV have experienced such major atrocities too, not by the enemy, but by the person that is their most intimate friend and in their own home too.

Please share with us anything you find of interest on PTSD and how you feel about it, whether you believe you may be suffering from it. ( I think the information from The Royal College of Psychiatrists gives some of the best information.)

Posted on: April 20, 2012 - 3:49pm
Back to the top
Em
DoppleMe

Hi Sparklinglime 

Thank you for your support, it's much appreciated

Posted on: April 22, 2012 - 8:48am
Back to the top
Em
DoppleMe

Hi Anna

Thanks, will keep you posted on any interesting findings re. PTSD, unfortunatley had a set back on Friday evening...

My Husband took it upon himself to call me in the afternoon about a matter of unimportance (about an unused joint back acc that has virtually nil bal) he wanted the details of it and I very calmly asked him what he wanted them for.  He immediately started with the aggressive tone and the shouting and he told me it was none of my business as I am nothing to him now.  I reminded him that he is breaching his harrassment warning, he said he realised that.  After asking again and me refusing the phonecall wasn't going his way so he put the phone down.  

I texted him and asked him to not call me again.  The phones started ringing again so I let them ring.  Panic set in and I started shaking once again, He was only 10 mins from my house so didn't know if he would turn up.  Received a text and very emotional voicemail from him to say that he was going to kill himself and to say goodbye to our baby.  I panicked even more as he sounded very distressed and called the police to inform them that he has breached but also concerned for his welfare.  I called my Daughters father and asked him to come and remove her from the house, my ex partner stayed with me as support until the police arrived.

To cut along story short I called his parents out of concern and informed them, his mother and father started shouting abuse down the phone that it is my fault and I should've been more concerned about him while I was with him.  I rose above it and just said I thought someone ought to let you know to be polite as you are his support right now and hung up.

This all started at 16:30 in the afternoon and he disappeared until 22:00.  Police filled in missing persons, I helped in anyway I could, continued to keep his parents informed (they became calmer) as he attempted to call me and talk during this time although I couldn't understand what he was saying.  I sent him text messages asking him to keep safe, please don't do anything silly, you can get help and support.  The police was trying to trace his car, searching for him in car parks etc.  His phoned was switched off between calls and no one knew where he was.  His Mother was out driving around hysterically too.  Received a phonecall to say he'd been found unharmed by his Mother and she was taking him home. 

The police phoned yesterday and asked if I wanted to make a further complaint of harrassment due to the previous day and I said no (although I did contemplate it) as I felt it wouldn't achieve anything as he is not mentally stable at the moment.  Felt the situation needed to be dealt with some compassion.  He explained that anything further like that (as in harrassing and aggressive) I need to log it as a new complaint.  Later that afternoon his Mother texted me to ask if I could lift the harrassment warning as husband wants to talk to me calmly and asked if they could they see me (and I presume baby).  I called her and explained that I was only trying to assist as I was concerned for his welfare, it doesn't change anything, she asked me to talk with him and because of his instability I did do.  Very quickly into the converstation it all started again.  He couldn't understand why the harrassment warning was issued, he can't understand why he is not allowed to see our baby.  He said he feels that I've lied about everything and he guarantees that he hasn't started any of our arguments.  Fortunatley unlike previous times he didn't upset me or manipulate me.  I stayed calm and focused and also rational.  I asked him to seek some professional help.  He mentioned about me having physically hurting him and that he thinks I am a nutcase, and I reminded him that I never did anything unprovoked.  He hasn't even been to seek legal help yet even though 3 weeks ago he threatened he was immediatley!  In my opinion he hasn't learnt anything, helped himself or even feels like he has done anything wrong over the past weeks, he is just the same old husband and like I've said in my previous thread his parents aren't helping him much either, only seem to be stewing in it as much as he.  None of them even seemed to register that what I'd done was out of kindness and only being helpful!  I ended the conversation calmly and politely by saying that I don't want to talk anymore at all, only doing so after his cry for help and I will respond to his solicitors letter once I receive one.  He kept saying over me that he'll talk to me soon.  I will not be talking to him or his family again if I can help it.  It doesn't benefit me in anyway.  

I have come far over the past 3 weeks and it's because I've sought the help from various organisations that I am doing well.  Still feel abit shaky and nervous after the past 2 days and my outreach worker has been marvellous.  On a good note it has helped me cut the emotional tie even moreso now if that makes any sense.  I am so glad the children and I are away from this nasty, hurtful man.  I will not allow him to manipulate me anymore.

Posted on: April 22, 2012 - 9:48am
Back to the top
sparklinglime
DoppleMe

Poor you.  What an awful time you had!

Posted on: April 22, 2012 - 11:51am
Back to the top
Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Oh poor Em, what a saga!

You have done your very best to help him but he has to help himself. If  he thinks that threatening suicide will make you get involved then he may well do it again. if he does do it again, tell the police and leave it to them to involve his parents, you have enough on your plate!

Posted on: April 22, 2012 - 2:59pm
Back to the top
Anna
Online
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Wow Em, well done you!

You have come so far since we first met you here on One Space Smile it is great to read how well you handled this situation.

How are you finding the Freedom Programme? One of the last chapters is The Persuader, which your ex is classically displaying.

Posted on: April 23, 2012 - 11:32am
Back to the top
Em
DoppleMe

Hi Gals,

Many thanks once again for your input and encouragement, it really does help to keep me strong.

Still feel really good and proud of myself, did feel that I handled it well - firm but with compassion.  Yes Louise, the responsibility of my 41yr old husband is in the hands of his parents now, not even himself sadly.  If (and I hope it doesn't) happen again, I will not get so heavily involved and I am avoiding this by being very strict with the phone calls now.  I have contacted all my phone co's to ask them to stop all unknown nos coming through. I have purchased a new mobile that everyone calls me on (my children,  family and friends) and have my old mobile purely for calls for him, his parents on silent hidden in drawer to grab anything needed for future evidence Wink

I have no qualms getting him arrested in the future should he breach it again, he needs to learn that he has to face the consequences if he does.  I was fair last time, I wont be again.

Working through the freedom programme has been a real eye opener for me.  Have covered about 40% so far, wanted to go through in my spare time.  I have already discovered alot of the traits ringing true, he is a complete bully and control freak.  

 

 

Posted on: April 23, 2012 - 12:56pm
Back to the top
Anna
Online
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

You are doing a fantastic job Em, sorting your phones out has been a great step forward. It sounds as though you are really being able to separate everything out. You sound very in control of your life.

Are you now finding that you are enjoying life a bit more? Have you seen our thread called the Best thing about being a single parent is.........?

Feel free to add the things that you have found to be positive now you are out of that relationship. Smile

Posted on: April 23, 2012 - 1:00pm
Back to the top
Em
DoppleMe

Thanks Anna, will take a look.

I do feel in control and now have the confidence to input in others peoples threads now Smile

I appreciate everyones input along the way. xxxx

Posted on: April 24, 2012 - 8:07pm
Back to the top
Anna
Online
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Brilliant! It sound as though you are doing a brilliant job at looking aftr yourself and getting through this.

How are your children coping at the moment, are they still happy its just the 3 of you? Do you get much time just enjoying each others company?

Posted on: April 25, 2012 - 6:29pm
Back to the top
Em
DoppleMe

Hi Anna

Feeling happier and more confident each day.  It's lovely to feel free Cool

The children and I are having a great time together.  My Son visits more often now and we have a great time.  He is enjoying spending time with his younger sisters, although sometimes begrudgling (He is 14!) My eldest Daughter wants us to turn the house "into a girlie house Mummy" so slowly (once once my ex has collected all his belongings as everything is still here) we can start getting the paintbrushes out again and giving it a much more feminine touch - brighten it up.  

We have started to have a bit of a mad hour before bathtime each night and us girls will put one of the music channels on have a disco and singsong around the lounge!  My Daughters love it.  I have little one on my hip and she waves her arms about and jumps up and down in my arms. And she squeals so much!  To see the look of happiness on my eldest girls face, she loves it.

Our life and the way we feel has changed soo much.  It's been tough and will continue to be tough at times, but to see the change in all of my children it's worth it and also the change in how I feel, it's great.

 

Posted on: April 27, 2012 - 10:47am
Back to the top
Sally W
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

I love it  Smile dancing madly about the place, i can just picture it! So glad that your enjoying your new found freedom, and yes at times you will have set backs, but your a strong women and will cope with whatever is thrown at you.

Do you have any plans for the weekend Em?

Posted on: April 27, 2012 - 12:22pm
Back to the top
Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

That's wonderful. I like the picture I have of your son too, 14 is such an awkward age and I can imagine him veering between teen aloofness and enjoying being silly with the younger ones. Does he mainly live with his dad?

Posted on: April 28, 2012 - 7:49am
Back to the top
Em
DoppleMe

Morning Sally W (Nice to meet you) & Louise

Stayed over at Grannys last night. Was nice and so relaxing to be out of the house for an evening.  Eldest Daughter at her dads last night with big bro so was able to start relaxing as soon as baby went down at 7pm.

Plans for this weekend was hopefully gardening (yeah right, in this rain?!) but now we are baking and swimming tomorrow.

Son lives full time with his dad now and has done since last september.  I hope in time when things have remained settled for longer he can spend 50/50 with us both.  He is of an age he likes having dad around alot more (he is very similar to his dad) and they are good friends.  I have alot of involvement in his life and sometimes my son tells me things and forgets to tell his dad!

Enjoy your day whatever you are doing.

Posted on: April 28, 2012 - 8:57am
Back to the top
Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi Em that sounds like a busy weekend and you had a bit of a break last night too, great. I have seen a lot of boys go and live with their dad for a while as they become teens, that sounds as if it was a good decision all round.

Hope the rain hasn't spoiled your gardening Smile

Posted on: April 28, 2012 - 3:20pm
Back to the top