Hi All.I live In Essex and have 3 lovely children,A girl of 15,a Boy of 8 and a girl of 7.I am single due to my Ex partner committing violence against myself and my eldest daughter.He still see's his children,we were together and engaged for 11 years.I was told to join up here just to say Hi to all and see if the site will help me through the bad times.
Hi. Welcome along from me too 
I cant seem to find the profile part at top.
Also I am 30% of the way through the Freedom course,My Womans Safety Officer advised me this may help..In some ways it seems to be,but my children are constantly arguing,I know they are affected by all this too but I seem to be fighting total losing battle with everything lately,I was so much stronger before :(
Hi there. Try clicking here to go to My Profile, then follow Louise's instructions to change your name, if you are using your real one. Any more probs doing this, then just send an email to info@onespace.org.uk telling us what you would like to change your name to and I will do it for you :)
Our forum rules state that everyone must remain anonymous.
Welcome to One Space from me
The Freedom Programme can help us to recognise different types of abuse and also the effect on our children, plus more. It is more of a learning tool for us to learn more about abuse, rather than dealing with the children, who have obviously been affected too. Especially if they still see their father.
Would you consider doing a parenting programme in your local area, there are some great ones out there. This doesn't make you a 'bad' parent, but a 'better' one!
And I know from my own experiences that living with domestic abuse does affect your ability to parent effectively.
What do you think?
ah found it,thankyou.Im not sure yet about the parenting programme I have so much to deal with right now that it makes it hard to concentrate some days.
Hi there Lisa35 and welcome along to One Space from me
Why don't you tell us abit more about whats going on for you? How long have you been seperated from your ex? Have you had to move house?
I look forward to getting to know you on the boards.
Hi Sally...and thankyou for your welcome . No I haven't had to move house,I didnt want to unsettle the children any further. We have been seperated since February 2011. Theres so much going on right now,I have his family stirring trouble for me most of the time,I developed a drinking problem due to not being able to sleep properly at night and the drink helped me sleep,I am now on anti depressants and trying not to drink spirits as they are what caused the problem in the first place,I have gone from strong and self confident to a total wreck,I dont find it difficult without a partner at all,just that his family are a troublesome family,many things have happened in the past,also his Sister-in-law is his ex,she was with him then slept with and married his brother!!....He seems to defend his family no matter how much proof I have that they are causing grief for me,and says as they all turned on me must be something I have done??....Yet he was the one who abused us...its just so frustrating most of the time,I have tried to cut ties with most of his family as they cause me nothing but grief and I dont like kids seeing me upset all the time.
Hi Lisa 35,
I am also recently separated like you & have had the same issues as you with regards to my ex's family. I still see my mother in law who still speaks to me but you could see she was enjoying telling me nasty little bits of gossip (all lies) from my ex's other family.
My hand itched many times to start world war 3 via texts etc with them all over the weekend but I decided to ignore them cos they are not worth it. At the end of the day you know the real story & that will get you through this. Just like my ex's family his lot will know the truth but sadly some people like to mix things for others to get a reaction.
Well done too for admitting that things are getting to you & you are sorting your life out.
Take Care
Fizzy
Hello Lisa35
Yes it is very tempting to block everything out with drinking, you have learned that with all you have been through. How are you sleeping now? There is online support with cutting down alcohol via Bright Eye, click to see.
Sounds like a good idea to cut ties with his family if they are causing you trouble. It's no wonder you feel so run down. I am glad you are doing the Freedom Programme, once you have finished that then maybe you will feel ready to do some one to one with a counsellor?
You have done really well to remove yourself from the constant abuse
Hi Lisa35, his family sounds very difficult to cope with. When your children see their dad, do they see his family too. Are they around a lot of arguments within the extended family.
Do you feel like you are raising a rabble and have no control, or do they feel like your children who are just finding difficult at the moment? How close are you as a unit?
Thankyou so much Fizzy,yes sadly his family are always out to start trouble,when Im doing well with the kids,they will start throwing spanners in the works.Their a nightmare.I know I have to be strong.Thankyou for your reply and well done to you too :)
Hi and yes I am sleeping a lot better now,and my appetite is getting better,I am trying to throw myself into activities with my own family and friends and have apparently done a lovely job just recently decorating the kids bedrooms,I have drawn on their walls and painted it all myself,my daughter,youngest whose 7 chose to have a large apple tree and butterflies and a fence with flowers...a blue sky and clouds,her side is complete,my son whose 8 decided on skyscrapers and a night sky as he wants spiderman theme,his is taking little longer but im getting there.I have not drunk spirits for a while now as they were the drink that was messing me up...Ive had occassional glass of wine or beer,but just one or two here and there sociably,so im doing ok on the drink front... just felt so alone for a long time,the ex created a very low self esteem in me,always putting other people first instead of me and the kids,I ended up suffering from a very insecure jealousy problem,and his family seem to put things in the way to wind me up,he has admitted they do too at times and dont like it either.Thankyou for your reply :)
The children were seeing their dad at our home to start with,he was staying over here to stop his family getting involved so much,which was fine...my eldest daughter has probs with him as he had assaulted her too before,she is slowly coming around to see that the two youngest cannot be at his mums due to the upset it causes me when they all start and slag me off in front of the kids,so she is ok with him coming to ours at the moment,but he doesnt stay over while she is here,they havent been to their dads for while now as Im fed up with all the trouble it causes so Ive managed at moment to keep them here.My children are very supportive for their ages,they have seen me go through so much and just the other week showed me how much they love and care for me.Silly example but their dad brought them an Xbox,he told me I would have to be on it as they are all under 18 and would need permission for different games on it,so he put me onto it too,and I was playing it with kids as you do,he added me as friend on their so he could also play along with us all,this was fine...but when he was round mine the other weekend he had a message I saw as he loaded it in saying something about spying,from his brother.When I asked him about it he wouldnt say anything to my face but later on telephone he admitted that his brother had messaged him and accused me of trying to spy on him through the xbox??!! ...I said to my ex that he shouldve put his brother straight that i never wanted to be on it in the first place but he said ah well,he hates you,you hate him,end of....again he never defended me...I was on a pretty low week and ended up hanging up in floods of tears,the kids were straight by my side,saying he shouldnt let his brother say bad things about me,Im hoping in the long run they see his family for what they are without me having to do anything,I dont bad mouth them in front of kids for no good reason.The youngest whose 7 then answered the phone to her dad when he called again and told him "You cant talk to mummy cos you have made her cry again,and Uncle Dal has been nasty".her words...not mine,i think he then realised what he had done.My kids and I are all very close yes as I do play about with them a lot and act the fool sometimes which they love,we do everything together,its not all perfect we argue too but most of the time we're happy..thankyou for replying :)
Hi again
It feels important for you to be able to protect the children from being around this much conflict and high emotion. And your children's dad needs to field this away from them too.
Would you feel able to write a letter or email to their dad along the lines of "The incident the other day upset the children very much. I feel it is important that we as their parents protect them from this and you and I deal with each other on a civilised basis, so let's agree to turn over a new leaf" At the same time, it is about managing your own emotions, which is why I suggested some counselling in the future. Also, don't forget The Samaritans, they are excellent to talk to at any time of day or night, their number is 08457 909090
It sounds as if you have a brilliant relationship with your children
Unfortunately the children have seen a lot due to his violent temper in the past so I guess I do feel that need to protect them so much against him and his untrustworthy family,this may appear mean but Im not doing this to get at anyone,just dont want them hurting anymore.Yes I could talk to him but he himself at present is under probation for what he done to us and he is undergoing the IDAP program which is hopefully going to help him,he has a serious lack of understanding over the slightest thing so he is not very approachable at the best of times.at present every tiny thing I do he jumps down my throat and I end up more hurt in the long run and kids see all of this :(
Hi Lisa35, you say that your children have seen a lot due to his violent temper. Can I ask why you allow him in your home?
Hey Lisa35,
Sounds like you are having a hard time but are trying to keep things on an even keel. I read what you said about his brother saying that you were spying on him. I find all of this cyber stuff very confusing & scary. I got a very good guide from this site about digital stalking by Jennifer Perry via freedom course. I had issues with cyber stalking & this was very good. The internet is a great tool but open to abuse so you should read this article.
I feel I have to ask you the same question as Anna, if he is violent why are you letting him into your home? Are you scared of him never mind his family? I am relatively new to this site but I have noted that everyone wants us to be safe & secure. There are many support groups available for us.
Not being rude to you or your family but hope that you can see that people are here to support you.
You have great kids who are a credit to you & its easy to put ourselves down.
Keep your chin up.
Fizzy
He was violent in the past,that is what he is now on probation for.I guess I let him i the house as felt had no other options at the time,didnt want kids going to contact centre,they have been through too much already,and didnt want them going to his home due to the family problems there,so he comes to our house,He has calmed down a lot,he dont lash out,hasnt done since being on probation,think it has opened his eyes this time,he appears genuinely regretful for what he did to me and my daughter,thats why im trusting enough to let him come here,he knows on no uncertain terms if he should ever lay a finger on me again,he would never see any of us ever again.Im not scared of him or his family no,they try to be intimidating,but I know their family history and know they are all waste of spaces,Im not frightened no,not in the slightest,in fact,everyday i feel stronger against them all and as said previously i just cut out the trouble ones and try to carry on with my own family and friends the best way I can for me and the kids.Also I know a fair bit about computers,and his brother wasnt stalking me,was just sending messages to the ex about me,still stirring basically,just so happens I saw them,but I havent responded,not worth my time.
Hi Lisa35
Thats great that the violence has abated but if arguments are still happening and you are in floods of tears then that is still not good for the children. I know they will always look after you, but they need to see that you are coping and not to have to answer the phone for you like that. That is what I meant about keeping them away from the high emotion. Many of us have been in your situation so no-one is criticising you in any way whatsoever, what we would like to do is hold your hand through this difficult time (cos we know how hard it can be)
It sounds to me as if you have made the right decision to keep away from his family! but although you dislike the idea of a contact centre, this would seem better for the children than witnessing rows, tears and conflict. Maybe that is a lever for you...to say to their dad unless visits and calls are peaceful, then it will be a contact centre only?
Hello there and welcome to One Space
First of all can I mention that if you are using your real name, please change this as we ask people to be anonymous on here. Go to My Profile at the top of the page then click the Edit tab, change your user name and then click save at the bottom of the page
You have been through a lot of difficult times by the sounds of it. How are you feeling now? I was wondering what support you now have and whether your daughter has had some support too?
Have you had a look at the online Freedom Programme? (click to see) There is lots of support here for you.