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my son of 3 1/2 has been feeding himself for what seems like forever but since his dad left he won't eat unless he is fed by me. i'm sure its a way of getting my attention but i don't want it to become a bad habit. do u think i should feed him or make him do it himself even if this means he doesn't eat?
What can I say, Bubblegum is soooooo right, if you let him see it is an issue then you are handing him a whole pack of trump cards.
It is completely normal for children to "regress" when their parents separate, that is to exhibit behaviours seen in a younger child, it is as if they need to reinforce their sense of security. The main thing is to stay completely calm and matter of fact about it all. Whilst I totally agree about the whole sitting down together thing, breakfast can be problematic if you are in a hurry and when this happened with my youngest I just let him have a banana. Food can become loaded with emotional significance (you may have spent precious time preparing it, gone to great lengths to make it look appealing, or spent money on something you can't really afford) so it is easy to feel worried/annoyed when it is rejected.
I would suggest you follow Bubblegum's ideas and when your son says "No, mummy do it" you just say calmly and cheerily "Mummy is just having her dinner. You be like mummy, here's my spoon, where's your spoon? I bet you can't do it at the same time as me". Another idea that might help is having a toy or teddy at the table and pretending that the teddy won't feed himself. Reprimand the teddy mildly "oh dear are you not going to eat any of your dinner, teddy? What's that? You don't know how to feed yourself? I wonder if there is anyone here who is a big boy and can show him how to feed himself" That always worked a treat with my eldest (about ANYTHING..he was so keen to prove to his toy monkey that he could use the potty or tidy up the toys etc heh heh)
If that doesn't work, continue to eat your meal and then get up from the table, so you are not available to feed him "Mummy has to get on with jobs now". Stay within earshot. If he gets down from the table you say "Oh right you have had enough" (maybe stash the food in the fridge for later in the interests of economy?) and leave it at that.
Hope this helps!
i feel like screaming!!!! so far he's eaten one mushroom and thats becasue teddy bear soldier is watching and thats taken over an hour!
Well I think it helps to limit the amount of time he can spend on a meal, as well.
A friend of mine with two young daughters found that her eldest would sit for about an hour messing about and she (the mum) would become more and more stressed. She solved the problem by having a special clock within view of the table and saying "Tea is over when the big hand gets to the 9" or whatever. Obviously you don't want children to be stuffing themselves but setting a limit of, say 30 minutes might be a good idea.
C is generally a good eater, but for the last few months, his excuse for not eating all of it, is 'I need to go the toilet'. I've now learnt that instead of telling me he doesn't want it, because of the fuss I make, he uses the excuse of the toilet. I used to stress myself, but now, I just tell him to go, and if he's hungry later, he can have a bowl of cereal, because I won't be cooking anything else. Like everyone says, they aren't going to go hungry are they!!!
I remember having to put a time limit on tea with my lot, and it does make a difference. It does mean being strong when they yell though, and no treats or something they really like later as you feel sorry for them. It is so hard and so easy to type...
he eventually ate about half his dinner but nothing like as much as usual. things are going to change if things carry on like this i will be banning all snacks and puddings and he won't get anything inbetween meals. and will also try the timing thing
Good luck - and loads of strength and hugs...
I've used the time limit thing before too : ) And! I often crack down on the sweets and snacks thing from time to time too, that usually brings them back into line after a few days of breakfast, dinner, tea and nothing else but the 'fruit bowl' (said in an evil sinister voice), the buggers.
The rabbits and guinea pigs are having more apples than my lot at the mo! Mind you, grapes and bananas didn't see nightfall when I bought those...
he doesn't really get many snacks anyway he'd had one biscuit today mid morning not exactly enough to fill up on but not in future. he just saw me get some bits ready incase we get any trick or treaters but its raining here so not sure many people will bother with it really and he told me "i'm too hungry" so i told him he'd have to wait til i did his soup in a couple of mins as he was having nothing else as he didn't eat his dinner he wasn't very happy with me thats for sure
I know it's really hard, and also tempting to feel sorry for them when they say they are hungry, but it will only take a while....
RESULT L's just eaten a smily face sandwich in under 10 mins with no question of me helping like there has been. now lets see how tea goes later
Good, fingers crossed for tea time!
Get him to feed himself, children wont starve them selves to the point of needing medical attention and its quite normal for them to try and use it to get control, they can see that the whole eating thing is important to you and will use that knowledge to get what ever it is they want, and in your case it could very well be something to do with his dad being gone and needing extra attention, or just feeling unsure about the changes going on in his life and trying to refind, redefine his place in his world.
Children like everyone else want to have control of their environment and for it all to fit nicely together so they can feel safe and secure.
I try not to let mine play me with the whole food thing but they do still try, even now at six and seven. Don't let it become and issue if they see that it isn't getting them anywhere they give up and eat if they are hungry, not without complaining and I get all the I don't like this I don't like that, but it's not an issue I just give it to the dog and later when they start complaining about being hungry I point them in the direction of the fruit bowl.
Sit down with him and eat your food in front of him and talk away like any normal meal situation, wait for him to finish, encourage him, don't make it an issue, if he doesn't want to eat go about your business of cleaning up, dong the dishes and offer him some fruit if he's hungry and act like hay! that's OK
If he complains about being hungry after point it out to him that he didn't eat his dinner, would he like some fruit.
That's more or less how I dealt with mine and they are quite good eaters now, not particularly fussy, but they know that meal times are when its food and in-between they can have fruit and that treats are as and when I give them.
So I think!! get him to do it himself but don't make it into an issue where it stresses you out and him : )