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Hi. I'm not new to the forum, but I don't post a lot. In fact, I probably only come here now when I want advice, so sorry about that.
I live as a single parent and have 3 girls aged 20, 16 and 12. I'm in a relationship with a lovely man and we have been together for 4 years but we don't live together. He has 3 boys aged 30, 26 and 23. I know that his boys have no problem with our relationship and the youngest seems to be quite fond of me. My girls have grown fond of my man too. They don't want another step-father (long story) and he doesn't see himself as that. There has been talk in the past of moving in together when I get my share of my x-marital home, but no question of it until then, as we don't want to jeopardise this happening. It is understood that our relationship is long term, just not set in stone in what direction.
I met his brother, sister in law and nieces for the first time a few months ago, and felt awkward from the start. I can be shy and I was nervous about meeting them, but I am open and friendly with people who make me feel comfortable. I was expecting lots of questions and was very willing to answer anything.
His brother asked me how old my girls were and I answered. He said 'oh, they aren't too young then' and seemed satisfied, and didn't ask me anything else. It was mentioned that my man seems to be a different person when I am around. He is kind of like the family pet/clown and they are very possessive of him. With me he is quieter/gentle.
We have met up a few more times since then, and with each time I get the feeling that something is amiss. Conversation isn't easy, no one tries to start a conversation with me, and I feel as though I am walking on eggshells and that I may say (or have said) the wrong thing. Every time I mention my girls it is met with disinterest and a change of subject. I don't feel this hostility so much from the brother, only the SIL and nieces.
My man insists that they like me.
Last week was my man's 60th birthday. He insists that he doesn't do birthdays and even mentioned that he might work away on his birthday to avoid any fuss. He made me promise not to make a fuss or get involved in any birthday plans. I don't now how they did it but they got him to a surprise birthday meal. I found out through Facebook. I can't begin to express how hurt I felt. (Please don't give me a 'facebook is bad' lecture! I've heard it, lol) Against my better judgement (I was consumed by hurt) I posted a status saying I was hurt that I had not been invited to his 60th birthday celebrations. After several sympathetic comments I realised that it would probably be a good idea to delete it, so I did. Unfortunately that night FB must have been very busy and there was a long delay in the deletion of the post. One of the nieces saw it and sent a private message saying that she was hurt by the comments and was un-friending me. She also said that her family had invited me to several other family occasions (a bbq and a car festival) and had tried very hard to make me feel welcome.
One of the things I love the most about my man is the way he wants to see only the good things in people and things. I was scared that I had 'blown it big time' but he just said 'now you know why I don't like FB. Don't worry I'll talk to S'. I don't know whether he has. I don't know whether they have told him that they don't like me. He is being evasive. What I do know is that nothing has changed between us. I still don't know what our future will be.
I wonder if I some kind of threat because I have girls I think they might be threatened/jealous of my girls. My man has 3 boys and they have always been the only girls in his life. Another of the nieces posted a 'families are forever' picture on FB but nothing else has been said.
Anyway, any thoughts/comments would be most welcome. Thank you if you have managed to read this far!
Well put, Tinkerbell2 - a nice idea to suggest another meeting & it is very positive that Rosedragon's partner hasn't let this turn of even'ts affect their relationship.
Hello Rosedragon. I wouldn't dream of lecturing you on F'book; it can be responsible for upset, but I also think it's a great way of keeping in touch with people. Sadly, not the case here. It is awkward when we meet our partner's nearest & dearest & get the impression there is something amiss (I never felt A' dad's mum liked me & this proved to be the case when we split up. Your gut is usually a good indicator of how the land lies!)
You say your partner hasn't changed (& seemingly doesn't want to burden you with what's gone on between him & his family) Great. I agree that it was bad form you weren't invited to his surprise birthday party - I would have been furious. The question is, can you be the 'adult' here & get past it? Tinkerbell2's suggestion of trying to organise another get together with the female members of your partner's family is the way I would go; yes, they may be jealous that he has other 'girls' in his life, but jealousy is a very human emotion. See if you can find some common ground with them rather than looking for differences - if you can bond over a shared activity or interest, a friendship could grow from that.
And if you can't find anything in common? It sounds as though your man is a rock & will be there for you no matter what his family think.
Good luck, Rosedragon.
Mary
Thanks for your replies Tinkerbell2 and Mary, although I don't think I'll be asking for another meeting.
They have all unfriended me now, except his son and girlfriend.
Just spoke to my man, didn't (outwardly) panic, stayed upbeat and jokey to tell him some other news, and mentioned it in passing. Everything is OK between us. He did mention that he was told by one of them that I post everything we do together on FB... which is not true. I told him that I might post the odd funny anecdote that might mention him, and said that he was welcome to look at my profile on his sons FB, but he insists that he doesn't want to. I also told him that I had the feeling from the beginning that they didn't like me, and that whoever is telling him this appears to be trying to make trouble between us. He says he didn't get that feeling, he thought they had tried to make me feel welcome, but maybe he is wrong.
I'm glad they can't see my FB anymore, and I hope that I don't have to meet them again in a hurry, although I'm not sure if/how that affects our future :/
Hi Rosedragon from me! Nice to 'see' you again 
Can I ask why it took so long for you to meet the rest of his family? You have been together a long time.
I think in these circumstances, you have to rise above them, of course we all want to be liked,but we can't be liked by everyone all of the time. You have no idea what issues they have. They might be close to his childrens mum, they might see how much he adores you and resent that. It could be any number of things, but in this instance, it sounds as though it is a good thing that you aren't friends on Facebook and you and your partner can get on and enjoy your life together.
Are you looking forward to the day that you move in together?
Hi Anna,
I don't know why exactly. It just took a long time for us both to feel ready for it. I do wonder if D worried that something like this would happen. His family are very 'closed' and don't like to let people in. He didn't see a lot of them before his Dad became ill (I think it was just life getting in the way and not finding time) and they have become close again since his Dad died in January. I know that I am the first GF that he has introduced to them since his divorce 15 years ago. They haven't seen his older 2 sons for years and have never met his eldest sons children. D's youngest son saw his Grandad just before he died and it was the first time for about 2 years.
I wondered if they were close to Ds ex-wife and the answer is no. D's ex-wife didn't think much of the SIL because she thought she was controlling. I can see what she means. D likes SIL but he likes to see the good in everyone.
I know why the family has issues and I sympathise. D lost his mum, his sister, BIL, neice and BF in a helicopter crash nearly 20 years ago, and they are grieving for D's dad. They are closing ranks and protecting their own. I think that D is savvy enough to vet his own GF and make his own decisions though.
Moving in together? At the moment, I can't see it ever happening :( I would have thought I'd have proved by now that I'm not looking for someone to live off of. I've been to college, qualified with the AAT and got a full time job. I have 2/3 of the value of my ex-marital home coming to me in (supposed to be) 1 year (but more like 2) and I intend to buy my own home without anyone elses help. My girls are strongly opposed to ever having another man live with us. And I'm scared that I'm just not cut out to live with someone, after all it hasn't worked out yet. And also, I feel that D is listening to his family's concerns and I don't think he completely trusts me. He is evasive about things to do with money, how much he earns and I've never been allowed to stay over at his house. Or maybe he is just so used to the freedom of living on his own, that he doesn't want to change. Part of me feels that too so I can't really blame him.
Hi Rosedragon, what a shocking thing for any family to go through, the death of so many members in any one time. I am not surprised they have closed ranks.
You show a sad face when you say that you can't ever see you moving in together, I am getting the impression that you would like this, but due to past experiences, your girls reactions and also your partners, that this seems unlikely, even when you do buy your own house?
Is his fear that you need someone to live off? Is that what his ex did?
I can understand the girls wanting their home to be theirs after their previous experiences.
You say that you have never been allowed to stay over at his house. Can you explain more about what you mean? Has it just never happened because you need to be at home for your girls, or has your partner actually said 'No'?
Hi Anna,
I show a sad face because I think that I would like to live with him. I don't see enough of him and really miss him. I imagine us doing our own things but together, he fixing computers or playing guitar while I read, stitch or play on the computer, or relaxing watching a film together, or cooking together (he loves cooking). But due to past experiences I'm scared that it wouldn't work. I don't know why. I couldn't ever imagine him being abusive. I think I'm more scared that my girls and I would be too hard for him to live with.
Is his fear that you need someone to live off? Is that what his ex did? I don't know. It could look like that's what I did in my last marriage, and I suspect that his family might have suggested it. His ex is a very independant woman, she has always worked. When they were married she worked for a bank, after the divorce she retrained and now she is a social worker. I think he's protecting his family.
I'm not allowed to stay at his house. I have asked and he has said no. He says that I have a better mattress, but I think he is evading the real issue. I've never even seen his bedroom. He laughs and says that there is more to him that his bedroom.
Hi Rosedragon.
I've no idea what to suggest, but don't worry about them unfriending you. Have to say that I would have been to.
I do hope you're ok.
Hi again Rosedragon,
It sounds as though 'unfriending' the nieces etc. on F'book was the right decision for you.
Can I ask how long you've been together with D? It sounds as though there are an awful lot of things you would like to talk to him about but don't know how to address/don't want to 'rock the boat' by discussing. How do you feel communication is between the two of you?
'I'm not allowed to stay at his house'; this sentence in your post really made me sad. How does it feel to you that it's ok for him to stay the night a yours but that he won't return the favour?
Thinking of you x
Hi Rosedragon, I think a man who only has son's would find living in a house with 4 women full time pretty hard, however sweet, kind, decent etc he is!! 
I agree with Rudimentary Mary that there are things that you find hard to discuss with D, this is something that would be good to think about.
If you dig deep in your heart do you know what the real reason is that you don't stay at his house? Would you feel uncomfortable pushing him for an answer that sits well with you?
We've been together 4 years. I've known him about 10 years longer than that. He was an aquaintance/friend (but use the term friend very loosely) of ex-husband. He approached me 2 months after I left ex and told me how he knew what I'd gone through because he saw him do worse to his last ex-wife. And he also told me that he had had feelings for me for the last few years and was so very glad when he heard that I was leaving. And we've been together since.
He makes me so happy during the short time we are together at weekends that I don't want to spoil it by 'rocking the boat'. When I try asking questions he is very good at answering so that sometimes I don't realise that he hasn't answered until later. I have got the impression in the past that he is looking forward to me getting my own house, and has hinted that I may need someone to help pay the mortgage. He has also albeit jokingly made a big thing about bonding with the girls, and it appears to be important to him that they like him. At another time I got the idea that he would like us to live together, when the girls are all grown.
When I search in my heart for the reason why I don't sleep at his, I think it's as though his bedroom is a part of him that is private, that he wants to keep for himself. As if there is a part of himself that he doesn't want to share with me. As though he is making a statement that part of him is not mine. It make's me feel that it isn't fair that he can walk around in my home and in my heart and there are no boundaries, but for me there is a wall that I can't get over or around, a part of him that is off limits. It makes me wonder what we really are to each other, what I am to him. And I suppose I feel a little used. But then I know that I would rather have some of him than none of him.
Oh Rosedragon, that last post has made me feel very sad.
It isn't fair that D has free rein at your house whilst he keeps part of his 'off limits' to you. I'm not surprised that you feel as though 'there is a part of himself that he doesn't want to share with me. As though he is making a statement that part of him is not mine.'
If you are happy with only having 'some of him', why do sound so despondant? You also said in an earlier post that you would like to live with your partner, but you can't see that happening anytime soon. Are you worried that if you try & talk to him about how you feel that he'll disappear, never to be seen again?
It seems to me that you are bottling a whole load of stuff up that you want to say to him. The risk with that is that one day it might all come pouring out, without you having any sort of control over it.
With the best of wishes x
Hi Mary,
I'm not happy with only having some of him, it makes me sad. But I would rather have only some of him than none of him. The time we spend together makes me really happy. I just want that happiness all the time.
I've been on edge most of the week. I haven't contacted him since Monday to give him some space from this panicky over emotional woman, and didn't hear anything either until Thursday night when we did the usual good night texts. I saw him last night and we just carried on as if nothing had happened (apart from a needy 'are you coming over' text from me which wasn't such a great idea.) I'm definitely not going to mention his family unless he brings them up first. I don't want to ask any pushy questions at the moment, not while I still feel unsure of how the land lies between us. He obviously wants to carry on as normal and was his usual caring loving self. I do get the impression that to nag him would just push him away. He said that he wishes he had more time to do everything in and more time to himself. He's tired from the pressures of work and immediate family. So I gleen from this that he comes to me to relax and doesn't want more pressure from me.
I have hidden everything on FB and am not going to post any more. I spoke with my mum last night and she insists that I didn't write anything bad and that they totally over reacted, and that she is going to really miss reading the funny things I used to write. She also said that it doesn't matter what Ds family say to him, because if he knows me the way he should by now, he should know better. If he doesn't know me, and wants to believe them, then I haven't lost anything worth losing.
Now that his family are not getting any ammunition from FB to use against me, they shouldn't be able to say anything with any credence to it. Anything they say against me now would be pure spite, and if they do it will just work against them.
If I am right about their opinions of me, then I am really quite annoyed with the hypocrisy of it:
- 2 of the nieces that are SILs are Ds brothers step children. He took them on as his own, and SIL doesn't need to work because the brother has his own successful business.
- The other niece is Ds late sisters daughter. She has a daughter from a previous relationship and is married to an older man who has brought up her daughter when he has other family from a previous marriage.
So who are they to judge me?
Can I say that you don't sound like 'a panicky over emotional woman' to me. You sound like a woman who would like more commitment than she is getting from her boyfriend; but that doesn't make you wrong or needy. What concerns me is that you are unhappy with the situation but don't want to upset D by talking about it. Does discussing how you're feeling have to end in him being upset?
At the end of the day, it is entirely your call (Although I feel the need to point out that talking doesn't have to equal nagging either).
Nobody has the right to judge any other human being - but sadly, people still do. I hope that withdrawing from F'book has the effect you want it to.
Well, we managed to talk a bit this morning after a couple of false starts. Something just didn't feel right, he didn't seem as relaxed and loving as usual, distant in a fooling around, avoiding being serious kind of way. I said that something didn't feel right, and he tried the 'if you are going to be miserable, I am going' tactic. I told him that wasn't very nice and makes him no different from the others. That stopped him in his tracks because he wants to be different. He wants to be the one who makes me happy, and I think he can't cope with me not being happy.
Anyway, he said that he thinks that this is all down to the FB thing (well duh!). He says he's always said that FB wasn't a good thing, and causes too many problems. I will concede that I see his point now. However, I still think that FB and whatever I wrote on FB isn't all to blame. I still think that his family took whatever I wrote and chose to misinterpret it.
It seems that they have a long list of stuff that they have saved, so they still have it long after it was deleted, and shown to him. Some of the stuff that they object to has little or nothing to do with them at all. They just don't like what it says about me as a person. Sometimes I have a dry/sarcastic sense of humour, and anyone who knows me would (I hope) read it as it was meant.
I asked him, if they had a problem with anything I wrote, why didn't they ask me direct, rather than running to him telling tales? Why didn't they give me a chance to explain or defend myself? In my opinion, because they didn't want to know the truth, they just wanted to cause trouble.
I'm hurting now because whenever I have offered to show him my profile, or said that he is welcome to look at it on his sons FB, so he can see what I write, he has said that he doesn't want to because he has no interest in FB, and generally gave the impression that he trusted me. And yet he has read what they have shown him and listened to them, and has obviously been concerned about it, but not given me a chance. ATM it feels that he is not much better than them.
I told him that I am dissappointed because I thought that he knew me better. I asked him if he could be honest with me and that if he ever has any doubts about me, that he should say something instead of pretending that nothing is wrong. He agreed that he would.
He says that he is hoping that everything will all blow over and that in time he and his family will get on. I'm not convinced that I can trust any of them. His family clearly weren't prepared to give me any chances at all. D appears to have been giving me the benefit of the doubt but I'm not entirely sure what his reasons are. I'm just feeling used and betrayed.
Hello Rosedragon
It sounds as if what has happened has really thrown you.
It may be fruitless to wonder what on earth these people have against you? The only clue I can see is that they seemed to be concerned that your children were very young and were pleased that they aren't....but as long as D is happy then it is none of their concern.
I wonder if D is a chap who doesn't like confrontation and so he just "hopes" things will be resolved with his family and does not have you to stay in case "they" realise how long term and involvved this relationship has become.
Perhaps you could let the dust settle? I know from personal experience how awful it is not to be accepted by a partner's family. You are such a strong woman, Rosedragon, and I am not saying it will blow over, but you may get a different perspective on it when your feelings have settled.
Take care, you are such a star
I think that I am crashing and burning. Everything I am trying to do or say is coming out bad and fanning the flames rather than putting them out.
I think now that the problem that D and his family have with me, caused by the FB thing, is that they think I am some kind of stalkerish bunny boiler. And the trouble is this whole thing is making me feel insecure and panicky, so I'm starting to believe them.
how hard for you Rosedragon - I am learning (one day at a time) to ignore what others say in a negative vein because in no way is it helpful - all it seems to do is change your mental state so I would really urge you to ignore all their family stuff and as Louise says let the dust settle and then see how you feel about your partner then. I do think it is a case of your partner not liking confrontation. when things have calmed down you can examine how you feel about your partner and whether you feel you can trust him in the future.
Thinking of you and sending you a hug
Hi rosedragon, I completely understand that feeling when you suddenly feel stalkerish, insecure and all the rest of it, it is very unsettling.
How about taking the bull by the horns and taking control of that situation? Decide that you are going to spend a week on your own. No more discussions about Facebook, no more worrying about his family or him.
Just spend some quality time with Rosedragon and her girls and get back in touch with yourself again?
I have booked a few days in Cornwall for just me and the girls during the second week in August. I have told D that I realise that I'm just a stalker-ish bunny boiler to him and his family and that I am taking a step back and giving him some space.
I haven't posted on FB since all this happened.
Right now I feel heart sick, betrayed, let down and unloved. I wish I could stop loving him and move on. :(
Hello Rosedragon
Sorry to hear you are feeling sad right now. It sounds a great idea for you to go away with the girls for a few days.
Please don't take on the mantle of the stalkerish bunny boiler that they are trying to impose on you, you are not that person and a bit of space may well do you and D the world of good.
I was wondering if one of the reasons he was such a long time introducing you to his family was that he knew their behaviour would be pretty toxic?
Hi Louise,
"I was wondering if one of the reasons he was such a long time introducing you to his family was that he knew their behaviour would be pretty toxic?" I have wondered this too. It fits but he hasn't and probably won't ever say anything that would confirm it.
My main concern at the moment isn't about how his family feel about me. If they don't like me so be it. I don't like them either. I'm more worried about how he feels about me, and where I stand with him. I'm mostly concerned with the way I'm reacting and my emotional stability.
I am being panicky and needy. He doesn't like it, and neither do I. I really hate feeling on the edge of panic all the time. I have been trying really hard to control it this week, but I can't stop analysing everything, looking at everything from different perspectives. One moment I talk myself into believing that everything is ok, the next I'm freaking out to the point where my mind is stuck in a waking nightmare. I really need to calm down. I don't smoke or drink but if I did, I'd be drunk and chainsmoking. There is something wrong with me.
After giving him some space all week, he texted me 11.15pm Friday night "xxx not back yet. Might have to see you Saturday x night for now xxx" I felt relieved because I'd heard from him and that we seemed to be ok. Saturday morning I woke up with a panic attack (like I have been doing every morning). I'd got it into my head that he wanted to finish, but was doing it gently. Then he never showed Saturday night. I couldn't sleep in the early hours so I went for a walk. I walked past his house during the walk (see? I'm a stalker). His car was outside and the living room light was on so he must have fallen asleep in a chair. I walked a bit more and went home and to bed. I woke up to another panic attack this morning. I struggled with wanting to text and not letting myself, and then gave up and phoned at 10am and woke him up. He said that he meant to come round and he meant to text me, but fell asleep. He's really tired because he has been ferrying his son to and from London.
When I phoned I made sure that I sounded upbeat and started by asking about him rather than giving him 'poor me', didn't want to come over as needy (although I am). I just want some reassurance, I need to know that we are OK, but if we are not, I need to know that we are not. I don't want to be let down gently, I want to know where I stand, so I can get on with dealing with it.
He assured me that we are ok, that he loves me, didn't mean to make me worry. Gently said that the neediness wasn't very endearing. And said he would try to see me for a bit later.
I feel kind of reassured and relieved. But at the same time I'm still worried that I am pushing him away with the neediness but he is too nice to want to hurt me. I can't stop hurting and wanting more. I'm on an emotional roller coaster which I can't get off but desparately want to.
Hi Rosedragon,
I haven't responded to this so far because it kind of sounds like a) you really want to be in a relationship with him and b) that he's kind of calling all the shots and c) I am in a militant place at the moment and don't want to be all slash and burn about it.
However, last year I was in a long distance relationship that ended - it had probably been going on for about a year - where I felt like I was very much dancing to his tune, which he kind of changed at will. It sounds like your partner is on the one hand very reassuring and on the other, very much keeping control of this relationship all to himslef. It's not surprising that you feel needy because your needs - which I interpret as being something along the lines of having an open and fulfilling relationship in which you are both involved in each others lives in equal measure - are not being met.
You talk alot about trying to sound upbeat on the phone and giving him space etc and it strikes me that you're somehow not letting yourself be true to your feelings - and perhaps moderating yourself to meet his needs while sort of minimising your own.
In my situation, I started learning salsa, which meant I started to take responsibility for my own social life, for my own fun and it helped me to become more secure because I started to meet many of my basic needs myself. So when I started to feel needy I had something I could channel energy into and although sometimes I still felt miserable, my world had just got a bit bigger. Maybe salsa isn't something you'd enjoy, but if there's something you've always wanted to learn (martial arts, how to speak russian, tango, furniture restoration) maybe now's the time. Your kids are a bit older and it would give you some time to focus on yourself and what you expect/want/need from this relationship and, most importantly, your life.
It would also let him (and you) see that he is not the be all and end all in your life and perhaps give you the confidence to make certain "demands" such as being allowed to see the inside of his bedroom. I get that some people really value their inner sancuary, but you allow him into your body (I assume) forgodssake and I have learned to be very wary of people who keep those they profess to love out of sections of their lives (3 years worth of a relationship at uni with a man I really loved and who I believed really loved me and I WAS THE OTHER WOMAN!!!!). So, yes, I am a bit jaded by that experience, but I hope I wouldn't make that mistake twice.
Take the power back sista!! Not to keep him, or the relationship, but for yourself!
And ETA: If he's prepared to loose you because after 4 years together he's not prepared to have a grown-up normal sort of a relationship with you... well?! You sound like a great person with a lot to give and he's not the only man in the world. Broken hearts often mend wiser if not stronger.
Great post EmmaJ
Rosedragon, I was thinking whilst I read your post "but you are not being needy, you just would like a normal relationship" If we have been in bad relationships in the past then it is tempting to see any guy who is not actually abusive as such a gift that we spend all our time thinking about what HE wants (he wants you to be upbeat, he wants you not to be needy) and not enough about WHAT WE WANT. You are not asking for the moon, you are asking for a normal, healthy, equal relationship. Spend some time thinking about what you want and need.......
Have you read one of my favourite books? here
Reading back a bit, it also seems like you got together with him very soon after getting out of an unhappy relationship... And one which he seems to have known quite a lot about... I know it's not always an appealing option, but I can say from my own experience that time alone can be very enriching.
Have you ever heard of Dan Savage? He does a podcast (savagelove) which you can download from itunes or listen to online here: http://www.thestranger.com/lovecast - but he has (what I think is) a really healthy good take on relationships and pairing - maybe don't focus on the actual problems, but see what you think of the sentiment with which he addresses the questions people ask him. Plus, it's really funny listening - though fairly "blue" in places, so if you're that sort of person, prepare to blush. It helped me get my head round the future a bit.
xxxxx
Thanks Emma, I might give that a listen. Your first post gave me a lot to think about and gave me the courage to tell D that I feel that our relationship is a bit one sided and that I wouldn't feel needy if our needs were met equally.
I have to say that there is a huge difference between saying something like this to D and to ex-husband. X-H would have (and did) got aggressively defensive, flatly denied everything and made me feel crazy. D is gentle, admitted that he didn't quite understand but wanted to try. He says that the reason he comes to me is because he works long hours, does a lot of driving, does a lot of work at home and has trouble finding time to do everything and finding time to devote to everyone. It's just easier for him to come to me when he is free. He says that he loves me coming over but I am a huge distraction from things he has to do. It is true that he does all these things. He also does a lot of favours for people (he works in IT and peoples laptops always seem to need sorting out). He likes helping people and gets offended if they try to pay him for doing something that he loves.
He is worried that I think he is a controller. XH is a huge controller and I left him. D doesn't want to be anything like XH. I told him that I didn't exactly say he is a controller, but that he is in control of the relationship.
I said that I want to do more things together, and he says that he does too. He says thats why he introduced me to his family because he wanted me more involved in his life, but it didn't work out how he imagined it would. He is still having trouble believing that his family were not too keen on me from the first, but I feel a little bit more confident that his family's feelings about me are not affecting his own.
I would like to do a beginners class in something, so I can have a life outside work and housework. I have just broken my vow to never post another status on FB, to ask for ideas. I also know someone who does belly dancing which I think would be fun. I have asked her if she knows of a beginners class.
Thanks Louise, that means a lot to me. I might give the book ago, although when I first clicked on the link, I have to admit that the first thing I felt was denial..
Ah but the book (if you can brave it) will help you look at the pattern of your relationships and focus on your wish list.I think that is quite hard to do on your own. I have every empathy with you, Rosedragon, having been through a couple of relationships that I sooooooo wanted to work, suppressing my own thoughts and needs to make myself into the "ideal" girlfriend, it's tough I know. D is not an awful person, he evidently has many qualities but I do want you to be you, and not what you think he wants you to be
I have just ordered the book from Amazon :)
Actually, that's a great way of putting it - not a controller but in control of the relationship. I think that's how i'd describe the long-distance ex.
It sounds a bit like he has trouble saying no to everyone...except you...maybe..? He also sounds kind of clueless (perhaps that's part of his charm) about other peoples feelings - including those of his family. If that's the case, long-term, that's probably something you're going to need to figure out how to manage. But if he can agree in principle to wanting a grown-up, normal type of relationship with you, then it's something you can probably work round.
I hope it works out - things sound promising from your last post. But remember - if he can't or won't meet your needs, you can flipping well find someone who will! ;)
Good luck with the belly dancing - you could also check out the local library for info on what's going on in your local area - something might take your fancy - or google "what's on in [local area]". And finally, if you want to use FB, do, and you don't have to answer to anyone!! If a bunch of people want to use it to draw conclusions about you then actually, you're sorting the wheat from the chaff with minimal effort on your part. Which is always a good thing IMO.
xxxx
Hello rosedragon,
I can understand why you feel hurt by not being invited, I think I would feel the same. I agree Facebook can cause dramas as people easily get the wrong end of the stick or don't get a proper say but let's face it 90% of us are still on it no matter the effects lol. The awkward thing with meeting your partners family is there is no gaurentee that you are going to like them/them like you, I'm not saying they don't like you dont get me wrong, maybe they just don't know what to say? Or what to ask you about your life & children? I know people who generally have no intreast in my daughter, not because they are rude, because that's just the way they are. maybe suggest another meeting and explain why you was hurt and that you didn't mean to cause offence. I'm glad your partner has just brushed it off his shoulder and hasn't let it effect your relationship :)