Meeting father of my daughter he never seen!!! Help***

Petra

I wonder if you can give me an advice on this situation. Long story short: I have been seeing this guy for few years, all was great until I find out he is married and have 2 kids and also I have find out I was pregnant same time and I decide to keep the baby from him. He ignored the situation since... I carry on with my life as normal and was happy looking forward to the baby. When my daughter was born only thing I did is keep updating him via email - her pictures, things she does and basically that she exist. Never got any replay (I was ok with it as I never asked him questions, just a simple update)

My girl is 15 months old now, I have met many mums etc and when I told them my story I have got a same kind of answers from all of them,, why I am in shadow in this situation, he is still happy with his family and 2 kids, he is successful business man,,, etc that I should let him know his daughter is his too and he should take some responsibilities!!! I am single working mum and things are not easy! So I decide to sent him an email that said,,basically that we are here, not important me but his daughter and would be nice him to know her. I have got a straight replay that he is glad we ok and he is sorry that things are as they are etc.

We set up meeting this Thursday and in his emails, he said that what I expect from him?!? And that's the answer I need help with.... :(

I really just care about my daughter to know his dad,and maybe would like to know how can I start up the conversation about the finances/maintenance. As my daughter is growing and things aren't come cheap....

Please could you be so kind and give me some advice on this one. I wanna be prepared when I meet him.

Kind regards

Camila

Posted on: October 21, 2013 - 10:46pm

GoodEnoughMum

Hi Petra

Welcome to onespace. It's a really positive step that you are going to meet your daughter's father and I think it's very wise you are trying to work out what it is you want to acheive over the meeting.

Number one is clearly to get some sort of maintenance agreed. He absolutely must take responsibility for part of his daughter's upkeep. How much he can pay will depend on how much he earns so rather than thinking about the amount you want I would think about how you could work it out fairly together and how and when you would want to be paid.

One way people use to decide on an amount of maintenance is to use the CSA calculator. You put in his net salary, how many children he has etc. and it tells you how much he should pay per month.

Difficulties in agreeing between the two of you include that he might lie about how much he earns (especially if he works freelance) or he might say he doesn't have any spare money. If you can't agree between the two of you you can ask the CSA to work on your behalf.

Other people I know have a more ad hoc arrangement. When they need to buy something specific for their child (a piece of equipment, uniform etc.) then they ask the ex partner. He may want to just pay you what he wants as and when. You will need to decide if this is helpful to you. For me the consistency of the monthly payment is important but it might not be to you.

Does his wife know about you? If not I would think that would be a pretty strong factor in the maintenance, either that he would want to keep you sweet in case you blow his cover, or that he won't be able to pay maintenance without arousing her suspicions.

I'm sure none of what I have said will happen and it will all be straight forward, but it doesn't hurt to think about what you would say/do in each situation.

Regarding his seeing her, that is a seperate matter. If he wants a relationship with your daughter it would be in her best interests for you to help facilitate that. However, he hasn't shown any interest in her thus far so it would seem a bit unlikely that he would want to get involved now.

A major thing I have learned through this single parent journey is that you can't affect how other people will act. He will only do what he wants to do at the end of the day. For your daughter's sake I hope he steps up, but if he doesn't that will be a shame but not surprising.

All the best with is and let us know how you go. I know there will be other people posting tomorrow with more help too.

Gem

Posted on: October 22, 2013 - 12:33am

Sally W

Parenting specialist

Hi Petra and Welcome along to One space from me too.

Goodenoughmum has given you a good starting point with the CSA calculator (click for link) or you can come up with your own suitable amount between you.

I can understand that you feel apprehensive about asking him for maintenance, you could just say that all your daughters needs are costly and would he consider contributing to her care, it then depends on his response as to what you do or say next.

If he does you can come up with an arrangement between you, if he does not want to contribute then you could approach the CSA to get maintenance on your daughters behalf.

As for contact at this point it sounds like he is just asking what your expectations are, as your daughter is young it could be that he see's her once a week for an hour or so whilst you are there, as she gets to know him and gets older this could be extended and eventually if he wants too he can have her for the day on his own etc.

I think though at this point it is worth just sticking to the immediate future with wanting him to build a relationship with his daughter and negiotating how long that will be between you if he wants to have contact.

Posted on: October 22, 2013 - 7:21am